James: Barney. Here's a good one. What's the difference between a Journey song and a husband? A Journey song has a climax. Ha, ha. I'm sorry, Robin. I'm just messing with you. Raise a hundred.
Robin: No, it's fine. It's just funny hearing all this anti-marriage stuff from a divorced guy who still wears his wedding ring.
James: What, this? Only wear it because nothing attracts a gay guy faster than a wedding ring. Except saying hi to him. Or being in the same room. Or every app on my phone. People, it is a good time to be gay.

James: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Guys, you are young, attractive people here in the greatest city on earth. There are boys and girls in Nobody Cares, Wyoming, wishing they could be here. But instead, they are in someone's basement drinking bad malt liquor, debating whether or not they're going to spend their Saturday night in the parking lot of the feed store or in some other dude's basement. You owe it to them to rise up and shimmy your lazy asses into something hot, and you go out there and you live their dream! Can I get a "hell, yeah"?
All: Hell, yeah!
James: Can I get a "hell, yeah"?
All: Hell, yeah!
James: Can I get a "woo-woo"?
All: Woo-woo!
James: Go do it for Wyoming!
All: Yes!
James: Testify!

Marshall: Does your mom make stuff like that up a lot?
James: Constantly. I mean, she put more effort into some lies than others.
[flashback to young Barney watching TV:]
Young Barney: Mom, who's my dad? All the other kids at school know who their dad is. Who's mine?
Loretta: I don't know. That guy.
[present:]
Robin: Did she tell you that Bob Barker was your dad too?
James: No, no, no. I heard Flip Wilson, Bill Cosby, James Earl Jones, Meadowlark Lemon. The list goes on. I still can't get a straight answer about who my real dad is. And Barney's no help. He still believes every lie that my mom told us growing up. Not me. I caught on early. [to Lily] Careful! Michael Jackson sent me this glove for my 10th... Damn.

Marshall: Yeah, so now the wedding's back on.
Lily: Anyway, James, how have you been?
James: Awesome, as per "uze." I just went skinny-skydiving. Legendary. And my laser tag team, just made it to regional finals. "Legendary-er." And by now you've noticed the suit. Go ahead, touch it. Handcrafted by Pietro Dellacamera, Milan's famous 101-year-old tailor, who upon completing the very last stitch in this suit dropped dead, which is ironic because that is how gorgeous I look in it. C'mon. [dances] Gimme five.
Barney: Is "gimme five" back?
James: Oh, yeah. I put it in my blog this morning.
Barney: Guys, "gimme five" is back!

Lily: And then there was the time they scored the brother/sister combo.
Barney: It was everything we ever dreamed of when watching Donnie and Marie. She was a little bit country.
James: He was a little bit way into black guys.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Yeah, Barney and James together was a lethal combination. Since there was never any crossover in targets, James was always there for Barney with the assist.
[flashback to James and Barney at MacLaren's]:
James: [to a woman] Whoa. Your scarf... it is fierce!
Woman: Thanks. H&M.
James: What? I would never know, 'cause it is so hot that my eyes are melting. Oh, I can't see. Hey! You know, speaking of things that would look good wrapped around you, have you met my straight brother, Barney? Oh, he is fab...don't you go nowhere...ulous. Okay?

James: Someone order something tall, dark and awesome?

Barney: Oh, boy, my brother wants to know what time he goes on at the reception.
Robin: What does that mean?
Barney: Every wedding he attends, James insists on performing.
[flashback to a side portrait of James wearing a prosthetic beard, a white-haired wig and a white suit:]
James: [singing] Islands in the stream That is what we are No one in between
[present:]
Robin: So? What do you got against K-Rodge? Everybody loves "The Gambler."
Barney: Wait for it.
[flashback:]
James: How can we be wrong?
[James turns to the other side, revealing a blonde wig, no beard and a sparkly red dress:]
James: Sail away with me To another world [turns back] And we rely on each other Uh-huh

James: That's completely insane. This is how it's gonna be.
[black-and-white musical fantasy scene:]
Loretta: [all singing] We're reunited and I'm feeling so glad
Sam: I'm so much sexier than Barney's dad [plays saxophone]
James: Back together, now our life's right on track
Barney: But she's banging my dad behind your dad's back
Jerry: When you're at work, I'm all over her rack
James: That's not true
Barney: Yes, it is
James: That's not funny
Barney: Mom, break the news
Loretta: Okay, we're screwin' like bunnies
Sam: I'll kick your ass
Jerry: I'd like to see you try
James: Well, my dad would win in a fight
Barney: No, my dad would win in a fight
James: No
Barney: Yeah

Future Ted: [v.o.] So that night, Barney got his wish. We all went out.
Barney: Daddy's home! Yeah. All right, bro. What do you like? Guy in super tight black T? Super tight black guy? Guy who looks like Mr. T?
James: Mmm, yes, yes, and talk to me after two martinis. Let's focus on you, my man.