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34Quotes from ‘Murtaugh’

How I Met Your Mother: Murtaugh

419. Murtaugh

Aired March 30, 2009

Barney tries to complete Ted's "I'm too old for this stuff" list in one day. Meanwhile, Marshall and Lily disagree about the right way to coach her kindergarten basketball team.

Quote from Future Ted

Ted: Yeah, whatever. I'm adding laser tag to the Murtaugh List.
Barney: Jeez, not the Murtaugh List.
Robin: What's the Murtaugh List?
Future Ted: [v.o.] The Murtaugh List is something that came into being around the time I turned 30. It all started with your Uncle Marshall's beer bong. When we were in our early 20s, every time we had a party, that beer bong came out. And around the time we turned 30, same thing. Of course, in our early 20s, the next day would go like this.
[flashback to Ted and Marshall playing around in their underwear]
Future Ted: But by the time we were 30, the next day would go like this.
[Ted on the couch with a sick bucket]
Future Ted: Then one day, in the throes of the worst hangover of my life, I realized there was only one person in the world that I could relate to: Detective Roger Murtaugh, played by Danny Glover in the '80s noir masterpiece Lethal Weapon, known for his oft-quoted catchphrase:
Murtaugh: I'm too old for this...
Future Ted: "Stuff." He said, "I'm too old for this stuff."

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Quote from Robin

Marshall: By the way, how good is Lethal Weapon?
Robin: I don't know. It's kind of a rip-off. Old guy paired up with a young renegade cop. Sound familiar? McElroy and LaFleur. Don't tell me you guys have never seen McElroy and LaFleur. It's the greatest Canadian action movie of all time. McElroy is a young, renegade Mountie whose horse was just killed by evil Americans, while LaFleur, his grouchy, old, African-Canadian partner, just bought a cozy ice fishing shack in northern Alberta...

Quote from Barney

McCracken: Stinson, my office! Now!
Barney: Crap.
[in McCracken's office:]
McCracken: Disorderly game play, three counts of shoving, and now this! Stinson, you're a liability!
Barney: I know, I don't play by your precious rules, McCracken, but, damn it, I get results!
McCracken: Look, you're a good laser tag player. Maybe the best I've ever seen. But one of these days, you're gonna get someone hurt. Maybe even yourself.
Barney: You just forget what it's like out there. You've had your fat ass stuck behind that desk for too long.
McCracken: That's it! You're out of here, Stinson! Hand in your gun and your ID badge!
Barney: With pleasure. [slams badge and gun down, heads towards the door] Please don't do this.This game is all I got. And I've almost got enough tickets for the remote control helicopter. Please.
McCracken: I can't believe I'm doing this. But I'm gonna give you one last shot. But so help me, if you so much as step one toe out of line, you're gonna be playing Duck Hunt in your mama's basement so fast, it's gonna make your head spin. Now, get out of here!
Barney: You won't regret this.
[later:]
McCracken: That's it, Stinson. You're banned for life!
Barney: No!

Quote from Barney

Barney: All right, Ted. You win. I hate this. I hate all of it. My back is killing me. Everyone at the rave thought I was a narc. My ear hurts so bad I can hear it. I can hear my own ear. Think about that. My clothes... What is it... What is it... What am I... Get this stuff off of me! Ted, I'll pay you double for your finest suit. Here's 30 bucks. And throw in the shoes. You win, Ted. I'll never do anything on the Murtaugh List again. I'm too old for this stuff.

Quote from Marshall

Ted: It's sad to admit, but as you get older, there's things you can't do anymore. That's why I have this list, so I never make the mistake of thinking that I can still pull an all-nighter.
Marshall: Oh, I'm too old for that stuff.
Ted: Or eat an entire pizza in one sitting.
Marshall: I'm too old for that stuff.
Ted: Or hang posters on your wall without frames.
Marshall: "Riggs." "Riggs!" I'm too old for that stuff.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: I can't believe you got kicked out of laser tag. What are you gonna do?
Barney: What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? I'll tell you what Ted and I are gonna do. We're gonna break in after hours and TP the place. [raises hand for a high-five]
Ted: Barney, we are too old to cover a place in toilet paper just because they won't let you play laser tag. And for that matter, too old for laser tag.
Barney: Ted, laser tag knows no age restrictions. Kind of like stripping in the Midwest.

Quote from Barney

Barney: You guys mind if I crash on your futon tonight?
Robin: We don't have a futon.
Barney: Put it over there, boys.
Robin: What's going on?
Barney: It's on the Murtaugh List. "Crash on a friend's futon instead of getting a hotel room."
Robin: Oh, I am too old for that stuff.

Quote from Ted

Robin: I must say, there's something admirable about the way Barney wants to stay young at heart. I mean, who wants to get old?
Ted: This guy. Robin, life is a meal and old age is the dessert. I spend so much of my time worrying about the future. Where's my career going? Who am I gonna marry? But when you're old, you don't worry, 'cause all that stuff's already happened. Plus, you get to wear comfy shoes and a chair takes you up and down the stairs, it's perfect.
Robin: That's not perfect. That's pathetic. You can't just jump to the end. The journey is the best part.
Ted: Oh, Robin, I used to feel that way, too, but you'll understand when you're a little bit older.

Quote from Robin

Barney: No. One thing left. "Beer bong."
Ted: Ooh, coming right up. Oh, I... found these weird Russian beers in the basement.
Robin: Russian beers? I'll take a brewski. Hey! Brewski. Get it?

Quote from Ted

Ted: You know, Barney, last night, I went to bed at 8:00 because it was on the list, and I couldn't sleep because... well, it was 8:00. So I decided to watch Lethal Weapon. And then, when I still couldn't sleep, I watched Lethal Weapon 2. And then I watched 3. And then, halfway through Lethal Weapon 4, is when it occurred to me... Murtaugh kept saying, "I'm too old for this stuff", but every time he'd say it, he'd turn around, make another movie, and do more stuff. I guess what I'm saying is... screw being old. Let's go TP laser tag.
Barney: And then the hospital.

Quote from Barney

McCracken: Stinson! Son... you have been a pain in my ass ever since you joined this club. But damn it if this ain't some of the finest TP work I've ever seen. You're reinstated. Effective immediately.
Barney: Really?
McCracken: [shouting] Hell, no! I'm calling the police! Grown-ass man with pink hair throwing toilet paper. You gotta be kidding me. I'm too old for this...
Future Ted: [v.o.] Stuff. He said stuff.


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