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40Quotes from ‘I Heart NJ’

How I Met Your Mother: I Heart NJ

403. I Heart NJ

Aired October 6, 2008

Ted convinces his friends to spend the evening at Stella's house in New Jersey, which makes the proud New Yorker realize he could never live there. Meanwhile, Robin quits her job after growing tired of Metro News One.

Quote from Ted

Lily: Okay, Stella, this is crazy. You can't actually think that New Jersey is better than New York. New York has Broadway. We win right there.
Barney: Oh, no, she did not. Knuckle up for safety.
Stella: We have Atlantic City.
Barney: Can't beat the A.C. Pretty please? No one has to know.
Ted: New York has Greenwich Village.
Stella: New Jersey has The Shore.
Lily: Woody Allen.
Barney: Oscar-winning chronicler of urban neuroses. Bump it!
Stella: Bruce Springsteen.
Ted: Sinatra.
Stella: Yeah, he's from Hoboken, New Jersey.
Ted: Yeah, but what city is he singing about? It's not "Secaucus, Secaucus."

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Quote from Marshall

Lily: Look, Stella, I understand that coming from New Jersey you don't picture yourself loving New York,
but trust me, Marshall didn't expect to, and now he wouldn't think of living anywhere else.
Marshall: I hate New York!
Lily: What?
Marshall: I'm sorry, but it's true. Okay, today I was walking around PriceCo. Have you ever been there? It's huge.
All the stores in New York are so cramped. Every time I turn, I knock something over. I'm like some huge monster that came out of the ocean to destroy bodegas.
Lily: But, Marshall, you love New York.
Marshall: Yeah, I do, except that I hate it. I'm too big for New York, okay? I'm always trying to fit into cramped little subway seats or duck under doorways that were built 150 years ago. Hey, guess what? People are bigger now. Build bigger doorways. What the hell is the matter with you?
Barney: Small city, big man, give it up.
Marshall: And it's so loud, all the time. Yes, it's the city that never sleeps. Well, guess what, I like to sleep. I've been tired for eight years. Tired and scared with black and blue marks on my elbows from trying to fit through
all these tiny, little elf doorways. New Jersey's great. It's got huge stores, and lawns and you never have to carry a cup again. Not for the rest of your life. I'm not afraid to say it... I love New Jersey. [off Lily's look] I'm just kidding.

Quote from Barney

Lily: Wow, she really quit.
Barney: You think we had anything to do with that?
Lily: Yeah, I think we did. Nice job, Barney. [fist bumps Barney]
Barney: Oh, my God! Thank you! That was killing my arm. My arm hasn't been this sore since I was 13 years old and figured out how to lock a bathroom. Up top. [Lily shakes her head] Oh, no.

Quote from Ted

Lily: Why am I telling you this? You hate New Jersey more than anyone.
Ted: What? I don't hate New Jersey! Why would you think that?
[flashback:]
Ted: And then he cut in front of me! God, I hate line cutters more than I hate... New Jersey. Well that's not true, there's nothing I hate more than New Jersey.
[flashback to Ted arriving at MacLaren's wearing a t-shirt which reads "New Jersey" under a red banned sign]
Ted: Huh? [Ted turns around to reveal "I Hate New Jersey" is written on the back] Nice?
[flashback:]
Marshall: Hey, you want us to wait for you?
Ted: No, I might be awhile, I got to a drop a massive New Jersey.
[present:]
Ted: Okay, so New Jersey's not my favorite place but once Stella and I get married, and she and Lucy move in with me, I'll never set foot in New Jersey again. Unless I'm going to see a Giants game or, flying down at Newark, or, God forbid, disposing of a body.

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] So when the call came in that she got the big national anchor job, she finally got to say the words she'd been dreaming of saying for years...
Robin: Tonight will be my last broadcast. I came to Metro News One as a little caterpillar, and for four years, this desk has been my cocoon, but tonight, I emerge, an ambitious butterfly.
[watching in MacLaren's:]
Marshall: Why does she sound like an idiot? Did she have a stroke?
Ted: Yeah, a stroke of genius. This speech is really good.
Robin: With one eye on the horizon, one eye on the truth, and one eye, on all of you.
Lily: You wrote it for her, didn't you?
Ted: It's a modified version of the speech I gave when I had to leave the swim team because of the chronic inner ear situation.
Marshall: I thought you were the towel-boy.
Ted: It's part of the team!

Quote from Barney

Barney: No, thanks. I don't mess with fish bowls unless they have my two favorite fish. The suckerfish and the blowfish. What up? [Barney puts his fist out for a bump]
Ted: For blowfish? I don't think so.
Barney: Marshall?
Marshall: You're better than that.
Barney: Lily?
Lily: Not good enough.
Barney: Stella?
Stella: Sorry.
Barney: I am not lowering this, until someone gives me the respect of another person's knuckles tapping against mine in a light but decisive manner. Pretty-pretty... Pretty-pretty... Pretty-pret... Who's a pretty baby? Then know this, until it gets what it wants, nay, deserves, this fist, will not yield. It... will... not... yield.

Quote from Robin

Robin: Okay, I'm going to call and beg Joel to give me my job back.
Marshall: No.
Lily: You hated that job.
Robin: I don't know, it wasn't so bad.
Lily: Robin, what did they make you call Tropical Storm Hector when it was raining cats and dogs?
Robin: A furricane.

Quote from Marshall

Ted: I can't move here. I hate it here. I would kill myself.
Marshall: Maybe New Jersey is not that bad. Okay, Stella has a lawn. You could get a riding lawn mower. They sell them over there. I saw one with a cup holder. I saw a recliner with a built-in cup holder. I even saw a hammock with a cup holder. You live in New Jersey, you never have to hold a cup again.
Ted: I don't think I have as big a problem holding cups as you do.

Quote from Ted

Stella: Hey, did you get the beer?
Ted: Yeah, I got 144-pack. The rest is in the trunk.
Stella: And did you sign up for the membership?
Ted: No.
Stella: Why not?
Ted: There was a line for the photos... My hair's a mess... I don't want to move to New Jersey.
Stella: What?
Ted: I can't do it. And I can't see any reason why you and Lucy shouldn't move to New York.
Stella: Well, my daughter goes to school here. All of her friends are here. I've lived here my whole life. My whole family is here. This is my house. I'm on the PTA, and as of June 1, I'm the deputy mayor.
Ted: Yes, but my apartment is really close to the subway.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Ted, if you murder me, and bury me in New Jersey I'll haunt you for ever.
Ted: But if I murder you and bury you in somewhere else?
Lily: Eh. I'll leave you alone. I'm sure you had your reasons.

Quote from Robin

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, your aunt Robin was sick of her job in Metro News One. She was sick of the low production value.
Robin: I'm Robin Scherbatsky and your watching... [The "M" falls from the logo on the desk] Etro News One at 11:00... [A "1" drops] and again at 1:00.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Sick of the stories she had to report...
Robin: So hurry up and get your votes in for New York's cutest doggie.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And most of all, she was sick of all the stupids puns.
Robin: Four transit workers were electrocuted when a subway train jumped the tracks. Stay tuned for the... shocking derails. Joel, people died.


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