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39Quotes from ‘Milk’

How I Met Your Mother: Milk

121. Milk

Aired May 8, 2006

After Ted turns 28, the matchmaking service he joined finally finds a match for him. Meanwhile, Marshall join Barney in a prank war, and Lily considers making a huge change.

Quote from Marshall

Ted: All right, so, Barney, are you doing this or what?
Robin: Oh, geez, Barney, don't do this.
Barney: I have to, it's my birthday present to Ted.
Marshall: You don't have to. Please, it's going to be embarrassing and we're going to have to stop coming here, which will suck. In addition to probably being kind of healthy.
Ted: Come on, Marshall, it's the greatest pickup line of all time. Barney.
Marshall: Oy, gevalt.

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Quote from Barney

Barney: Uh, excuse me, has anyone ever told y... Oh, my God.
Woman: What?
Barney: Oh! Call an ambulance!
Woman: What's going on?
Barney: Try not to speak. Here, sit down. Just don't talk, don't talk.
Waitress: Is she okay?
Barney: I'm serious, call 911.
Woman: What's wrong? What's the matter?
Barney: Shh! Shh! Just don't move. Don't move. Just try... Here, have some water. Water! Here, drink this. Shh! Shh!
Robin: You know, the more I watch this, the less convinced I am that it's the greatest pickup line of all time.
Ted: Wait for it.

Quote from Future Ted

Lily: 28. Two more 'til the big one, three-oh.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Actually, my 30th birthday wasn't so bad. Well, except for the goat in my bathroom. Which is a great story. But I'll get to that later.

Quote from Barney

Robin: And here come the paramedics.
Barney: Oh, thank God, you're here.
Woman: What is going on?!
Barney: I think there might be some internal bleeding. Probably some fractures. We got to get her to the hospital.
Woman: What are you talking about?
Barney: You've had a terrible fall.
Woman: No, I haven't.
Barney: Really? 'Cause I could swear you fell straight out of heaven. Angel. [chanting] Give him your number. What? [chanting] Give him your number. What?
All: Give him your number.
Barney: Come on, guys, you're embarrassing me.
All: Give him your number.
Barney: What are you...? Come on. They're not going to stop 'til you give me your number.
Woman: All right!
Barney: It works!

Quote from Robin

Marshall: I cannot believe that she gave him her number.
Robin: Maybe she really does have a brain injury.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Thank you, everyone. Thank you, everyone. It's been fun. Wendy, the waitress, tip her well. Thanks a lot, guys. Troilus and Cressida. Neighborhood Playhouse. Check them out, they're good. They're good.

Quote from Ted

Ted: I realize why I'm still single. I'm picky. I'm not going to settle. If I'm going to marry someone, she has to be perfect.
Lily: Well, what's perfect?
Ted: It's not like I have a list.
Robin: Oh, yes, you do.
Ted: Attractive, college-educated, she wants two kids: a boy and a girl.
Lily: That's not hard. I know at least...
Ted: I'm not done. She likes dogs, Otis Redding, does the crossword. She's into sports, but not so much so that her legs are, like, more muscular than mine. That weirds me out. And she plays bass guitar like Kim Deal from the Pixies.
Marshall: Or Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth.
Ted: Any Kim from any cool band, really. Can't be too picky.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Hey, Barney, I had some questions about filling out these requisition forms.
Barney: Binoculars. Second pair on my desk.
Marshall: I don't have time to be creepy, dude. I have a lot of work to do.
Barney: Just take a look, will ya? Okay, corner office. Top floor. Check out that guy. Name's Clark Butterfield. He works over at Nicholson, Hewitt and West and every morning, he orders a sandwich from the deli downstairs.
Marshall: So?
Barney: So guess what I did to that sandwich? Here, I took a picture.
Marshall: Oh, sweet lord!
Barney: And now I'm e-mailing said picture to him.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: That is sick! Why would you do that?
Barney: Who knows? This feud goes so far back I can't remember who fired the first shot.
Marshall: You?
Barney: Totally.
Marshall: Well, look, if you would just... help me fill out these forms, that would be great. [off Barney's look] What?
Barney: Butterfield is going to retaliate within the next four hours. That's been his pattern. This is war, Eriksen. I need you to clear your schedule, call Lily, tell her you'll be home late.

Quote from Ted

Ted: You found me a match?
Bob Rorschach: There she is. Your soul mate. That'll be 500 bucks.
Ted: No way. The last time I did this, the girl turned out to be engaged.
Bob Rorschach: She's not engaged. She's your soul mate. Just read the file.
Future Ted: [v.o.] So I read the file. And by God, this woman was perfect. She liked dogs, she spent her summers in North Carolina, she played bass guitar, she did the Times crossword, she played tennis, she liked old movies, her favorite food was lasagna, her favorite book was Love in the Time of Cholera, her favorite singer was Otis Redding and she wanted two kids: a boy and a girl.
Ted: All right, fine. Set it up.

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] And so, one $90 cab ride later, I was in the middle of nowhere.
Lily: Oh, thank God. I'm so sorry about this. Did you get ahold of your date?
Ted: Yes.
Lily: And was she okay about pushing it back?
Ted: Yes. Because she's perfect. So what am I doing here?
Lily: You can never tell Marshall.
Ted: I won't.
Lily: Ever. Swear. Swear on the lives of your unborn boy and girl.
Ted: I swear on Luke and Leia.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Ted, let's go to New Haven.
Ted: Lily, don't do this to yourself.
Lily: I just need to know if I can get in. If I do this interview, and get into the program, then I'll know, and I can forget all about it, and get married. Come on! It's an adventure.
Ted: No, it's not an adventure. It's a mistake.
Lily: Okay, yes, it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake. But there are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make the mistake, and look back, and say, "Yep. That was a mistake." So, really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake, because then you go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not. And, damn it, I've made no mistakes! I've done all of this - my life, my relationship, my career - mistake-free. Does any of this make sense to you?
Ted: I don't know. You said "mistake" a lot.

Quote from Robin

Robin: And she's looking to get married and have kids?
Ted: Check and check. She wants two kids... a boy and a girl.
Robin: Wow. You know, I've been thinking about this. I think I want to have zero kids.
Ted: Really? You don't want kids?
Robin: You know, Ted, not everyone is as much of a woman as you.

Quote from Future Ted

Ted: I didn't go.
Marshall: What? Why?
Ted: I changed my mind. I don't want to meet her.
Marshall: Why? She sounds perfect.
Ted: I don't want perfect. I want Robin.
Marshall: Oh, God, not this again. Ted, it's a mistake.
Ted: Maybe. But it's a mistake I have to make.
Marshall: Wrong. It's a mistake you don't have to make. Look at the evidence. You and Robin have tried this again and again...
Future Ted: Here's the thing about mistakes. Sometimes, even when you know something's a mistake, you gotta make it anyway. Even really dumb mistakes.


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