Barney: Uh, excuse me, has anyone ever told y... Oh, my God.
Woman: What?
Barney: Oh! Call an ambulance!
Woman: What's going on?
Barney: Try not to speak. Here, sit down. Just don't talk, don't talk.
Waitress: Is she okay?
Barney: I'm serious, call 911.
Woman: What's wrong? What's the matter?
Barney: Shh! Shh! Just don't move. Don't move. Just try... Here, have some water. Water! Here, drink this. Shh! Shh!
Robin: You know, the more I watch this, the less convinced I am that it's the greatest pickup line of all time.
Ted: Wait for it.

Ted: All right, so, Barney, are you doing this or what?
Robin: Oh, geez, Barney, don't do this.
Barney: I have to, it's my birthday present to Ted.
Marshall: You don't have to. Please, it's going to be embarrassing and we're going to have to stop coming here, which will suck. In addition to probably being kind of healthy.
Ted: Come on, Marshall, it's the greatest pickup line of all time. Barney.
Marshall: Oy, gevalt.

Lily: 28. Two more 'til the big one, three-oh.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Actually, my 30th birthday wasn't so bad. Well, except for the goat in my bathroom. Which is a great story. But I'll get to that later.

Robin: And here come the paramedics.
Barney: Oh, thank God, you're here.
Woman: What is going on?!
Barney: I think there might be some internal bleeding. Probably some fractures. We got to get her to the hospital.
Woman: What are you talking about?
Barney: You've had a terrible fall.
Woman: No, I haven't.
Barney: Really? 'Cause I could swear you fell straight out of heaven. Angel. [chanting] Give him your number. What? [chanting] Give him your number. What?
All: Give him your number.
Barney: Come on, guys, you're embarrassing me.
All: Give him your number.
Barney: What are you...? Come on. They're not going to stop 'til you give me your number.
Woman: All right!
Barney: It works!

Marshall: I cannot believe that she gave him her number.
Robin: Maybe she really does have a brain injury.

Barney: Thank you, everyone. Thank you, everyone. It's been fun. Wendy, the waitress, tip her well. Thanks a lot, guys. Troilus and Cressida. Neighborhood Playhouse. Check them out, they're good. They're good.

Ted: I realize why I'm still single. I'm picky. I'm not going to settle. If I'm going to marry someone, she has to be perfect.
Lily: Well, what's perfect?
Ted: It's not like I have a list.
Robin: Oh, yes, you do.
Ted: Attractive, college-educated, she wants two kids: a boy and a girl.
Lily: That's not hard. I know at least...
Ted: I'm not done. She likes dogs, Otis Redding, does the crossword. She's into sports, but not so much so that her legs are, like, more muscular than mine. That weirds me out. And she plays bass guitar like Kim Deal from the Pixies.
Marshall: Or Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth.
Ted: Any Kim from any cool band, really. Can't be too picky.

Marshall: Hey, Barney, I had some questions about filling out these requisition forms.
Barney: Binoculars. Second pair on my desk.
Marshall: I don't have time to be creepy, dude. I have a lot of work to do.
Barney: Just take a look, will ya? Okay, corner office. Top floor. Check out that guy. Name's Clark Butterfield. He works over at Nicholson, Hewitt and West and every morning, he orders a sandwich from the deli downstairs.
Marshall: So?
Barney: So guess what I did to that sandwich? Here, I took a picture.
Marshall: Oh, sweet lord!
Barney: And now I'm e-mailing said picture to him.

Marshall: That is sick! Why would you do that?
Barney: Who knows? This feud goes so far back I can't remember who fired the first shot.
Marshall: You?
Barney: Totally.
Marshall: Well, look, if you would just... help me fill out these forms, that would be great. [off Barney's look] What?
Barney: Butterfield is going to retaliate within the next four hours. That's been his pattern. This is war, Eriksen. I need you to clear your schedule, call Lily, tell her you'll be home late.

Ted: You found me a match?
Bob Rorschach: There she is. Your soul mate. That'll be 500 bucks.
Ted: No way. The last time I did this, the girl turned out to be engaged.
Bob Rorschach: She's not engaged. She's your soul mate. Just read the file.
Future Ted: [v.o.] So I read the file. And by God, this woman was perfect. She liked dogs, she spent her summers in North Carolina, she played bass guitar, she did the Times crossword, she played tennis, she liked old movies, her favorite food was lasagna, her favorite book was Love in the Time of Cholera, her favorite singer was Otis Redding and she wanted two kids: a boy and a girl.
Ted: All right, fine. Set it up.