Barney: Exactly! Ted, let's wrap. Statistic: at every New York party there's always a girl who has no idea whose party she's at. She knows no one you know, and you will never see her again. Do you see... where I'm going... hu-with this?
Ted: Barney, I don't wanna say.
Barney: Argh! Scoping, beep, scoping, beep!
Lily: Man you're a dork.
Barney: Beep, beep, beep, beep. Target acquired! And now it's time we play a little game I like to call "Have You Met Ted?"
Ted: No, come on not this.
Barney: [taps woman] Hi! Have you met Ted?

Future Ted: [v.o.] Now ever since Marshall put that ring on her finger, Lily had been, well, extra affectionate.
Marshall: Baby, no. I have a twenty-five paged paper on unconstitutional law due on Monday, I barely started,
Lily: Hey, I'm just sitting here. Wearing my ring. My beautiful ring. Kind of makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. Like my shirt. Kind of don't wanna wear my shirt anymore. Or my underwear. Oh, that's right. I'm not wearing any.
Marshall: [closes laptop] No underwear?
Lily: Not even slightly.
Ted: Guys! Boundaries!

Marshall: So, Gatsby, what are you gonna do when Robin shows up?
Ted: Okay, I got it all planned out.
[fantasy:]
Ted: [v.o.] She steps through the door, and where's Ted? Not eagerly waiting by the door. Nah, I'm across the room at my drafting table showing some foxy young thing all my cool architecture stuff. So Robin strolls over and I casually give her one of these, "Hey, what's up?" She says, "Hey, nice place" etcetera, etcetera. And then I say, "Well make yourself at home," and I casually return to my conversation. Then, an hour later, "Oh, you're still here?" I say like I don't really care, but it's a nice surprise. And then very casually, "Wanna see the roof?"
[fantasy ends:]
Lily and Marshall: The roof!
Ted: Get her up to the roof and the roof takes care of the rest.

Barney: Solid plan, my little friend.
Ted: We're the same height.
Barney: But may I suggest one little modification.
[Barney takes over the fantasy scene:]
Barney: [v.o.] That foxy young thing you were chatting up, take her up to the roof and have sex with her! Crazy monkey-style.
Ted: That's not the plan.
Barney: Should be the plan, I mean look at her. Ted, look at her. She's smokin'!
Fantasy Girl: Thank you.

Ted: [on the phone] Oh, Robin. Hey, yeah, guess you never showed up did you?
Robin: No, I got stuck at work, but they finally got that kid out of the crane machine.
Ted: Did he get to keep the purple giraffe?
Robin: Yeah, they let him keep all the toys. He was in there a long time and little kids have smaller bladders.

Barney: So, it's over between me and works-with-Carlos girl.
Ted: Oh, that was fast.
Barney: Yeah, I was trying to think what's the quickest way to get rid of a girl you just met?
[flashback:]
Barney: I think I'm in love with you.
Tatiana: What?
[back:]
Barney: Thanks, bro.

Robin: You know something, Ted?
Ted: What?
Robin: You are a catch. You're gonna make some girl very happy, and I am going to help you find her.
Ted: [laughs] Well, good luck. I mean maybe New York's just too big a town, you know? There's millions of people in this city. How in all this mess is a guy supposed to find the love of his life? I mean, where do you even begin?
Robin: [taps a woman] Hi, Have you met Ted?

Ted: So you reporting a news story or something?
Robin: Yeah, kid stuck in a crane machine. How sweet of you to call it news.
Ted: Wow, kid in a crane machine. [to Leroy] You just had to have that toy didn't ya? Couldn't play the game like everyone else.
Leroy: You're all sweaty!
Ted: Cute kid. [wipes forehead]

Future Ted: [v.o.] Okay, where was I?
Daughter: You were telling us how you met mom.
Son: In excruciating detail.
Future Ted: Right, so... Back in 2005 when I was twenty-seven, my two best friends got engaged. And it got me thinking, "Maybe I should get married." Then I saw... Robin. She was incredible. I just knew I had to meet her. That's where your Uncle Barney came in.

Ted: I just have this feeling. She's the future Mrs. Ted Mosby. [Lily squeals] Lily, you squeaked? She said something about me didn't she? Come on, spill it, Red.
Lily: Fine.
[flashback to earlier in the bar:]
Lily: So what do we think of Ted?
Robin: [laughs] Ted's something else.
[back:]
Ted: Huh. I'm gonna spin that as good. Lots of guys are "something", I'm "something else".
[flashback:]
Robin: Comes on a little strong.
[back:]
Ted: But...that's part of my charm.
[flashback:]
Lily: But that's part of his charm.
Robin: Oh, totally. I mean, he's sweet, he's charming, he's just looking for something a little bit more serious than I am. I mean the most I can handle right now is something casual. This just stays between us, right?
Lily: Are you kidding? This flapper Fort Knox.
[back:]
Lily: Oops.