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34Quotes from ‘Last Words’

How I Met Your Mother: Last Words

614. Last Words

Aired January 17, 2011

As the gang supports Marshall at his father's funeral in Minnesota, Ted and Barney try to get him to laugh, Lily tries to look out for Judy, and Robin carries a well-stocked purse. As the service approaches, Marshall thinks about his father's last words to him.

Quote from Lily

Marshall: Lily?
[flashback to Lily in their apartment, rushing to the phone with her hands full with grocery bags:]
Lily: [answers] Hello.
Mickey: [o.s.] Lily, it's Dad. Listen, I'm sort of in jail for not paying taxes for the last 25 years But bright side... I thought of a great new board game. "Tax Evasion"... ages six to ten. Which is, ironically, what I might be looking at. Anyway, Pumpkin, I need $15,000.
Lily: Fooled ya. Leave a message after the beep. We'll get back to ya. Beep.
[present:]
[Lily drinks from the flask]
Marshall: Lawyered.

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Quote from Marshall

Lily: Hey, so it's a pocket dial. You have so many great memories with your dad. Who cares about the last one?
Ted: She's right.
Barney: Your dad was hilarious.
Marshall: You guys don't get it, okay? None of you do. My dad was my hero. And he was my teacher. And he was my best friend. He always came through for me. And now he's just gone. And what am I left with? [plays message] Thanks a lot, God! Thank you! You took my father... the greatest man that I have ever known... and you ripped him off this Earth, way too young! And he'll never get to meet our kids, Lily. But we got this voice mail. Thank you so much for the voice mail! It's a great comfort! 'Cause whenever I'm starting to feel lonely or sad, or... or you know what, or maybe a little bit cheated, at least I got the sound of his pocket to console me.
Lily: Marshall.
Marshall: How is this fair? You know, like, an entire human life and it just ends for no reason, and... and what are we left with?
Marvin Sr.: [on message] Marshall? Oh, looks like I've been calling you for almost five minutes. How's my pocket sound? Oh, sorry about that, buddy. Um, anyway, your mom and I had such a great time seeing you. I love you.
Lily: Looks like your dad came through one last time.

Quote from Robin

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, when your best friend loses someone, you drop everything and rush to his side. Only to find yourself standing there with no idea what to do or say.
Ted: This is the toughest time in Marshall's life and I feel absolutely useless. What can we do to help?
Lily: Don't look at me. This morning Marshall said, "I have to pee". And I, "Don't worry, baby, I'll do it for you". Halfway through the pee, I'm, like, "This doesn't even make sense!"
Robin: Well, uh, I've been to a couple funerals, so I know my role: I'm Vice Girl. Whatever Marshall needs to get through this day, I got it right here. [opens purse]
Ted: Whoa! Cigarettes, alcohol... Are these firecrackers? My God, Robin, you somehow crammed Tijuana into a purse.
Robin: Be cool, nerds!

Quote from Robin

Marshall: Hey, guys, sorry, uh... I left my charger back in New York, so my phone's out of juice. Does anyone have...?
Robin: Outlet or USB?
Marshall: Uh, outlet. Thank you. Oh...
Lily: [to Robin] Wow, you really do have everything in there, don't you?
Ted: You're like Mary Poppins, if her magic purse was also filled with drugs.
Robin: "If"? Ted, the kids in that movie jumped into a painting and spent 15 minutes chasing a cartoon fox. "Spoonful of sugar..."? [scoffs] Grow up.

Quote from Lily

Robin: Judy, I...
Lily: I did it.
Judy: What possible excuse could you have for this?
Lily: I'm from New York. We think getting minors drunk is funny.
Judy: There's nothing funny about getting minors drunk! You should be ashamed, Lily! Ashamed! [takes a spoonful of salad] Mmm! Oh, cripes, that's tasty. Mmm! Mmm!
Lily: [to Robin] That salad's the first food she's eaten in two days. Sure, it's mostly cheese, mayonnaise and jelly beans, but it counts.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Wait a minute. Today, we are gonna make Marshall laugh.
Robin: How?
Barney: Ted, what's the one thing that always cracks him up?
Ted: Internet footage of a guy getting hit in the nuts.
Barney: Internet footage of a guy getting hit in the nuts, exactly! So we are gonna get our bro a four-star nad rattler. You search knees, feet, banisters, fire hydrants and diving boards, and I'll cover bats, rackets, hockey sticks, golf clubs and riding crops.
Ted: What about animals?
Barney: Uh... claws, paws, talons, hooves, beaks and clenched monkey fists. We can do this!

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: "Plane food is ass". Those are the last words my father will ever say to me. Right after I denied the man a pork chop. Oh, God.
[Robin hands Marshall a flask]
Marshall: [spits out the drink] Wait! I'm wrong! I'm wrong! That wasn't it! They couldn't find a cab... so my dad called up from the street.
[flashback to Marvin Sr. and Judy on the street outside Marshall and Lily's apartment:]
Marvin Sr.: Hey, Marshall! Marshall! Looks like rain out here! I couldn't find an umbrella in your closet! You know who probably has an umbrella?
Marshall: [v.o.] And then, well, see, my dad grew up in a small town, in another generation, so sometimes... totally well-meaningly... he'd say stuff like...
Marvin Sr.: The Koreans across the hall! Hey, the Koreans are a trustworthy and generous people!
Marshall: Dad...
Marvin Sr.: I betcha one of the Koreans has an umbrella! Heck, they're Koreans!
[present:]
Marshall: My dad's last words to me were a string of odd racial stereotypes.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: No, wait... I'm wrong. That wasn't it. They couldn't find a cab, so I went down there.
[flashback to Marshall joining Marvin Sr. and Judy out on the street:]
Marshall: Hey, you were right. The Kangs did, in fact, have an umbrella.
Marvin Sr.: Of course they did.
Judy: Bye, sweetie. [blows kiss]
Marshall: Bye, Mom.
Marvin Sr.: Hey, son, I just want to leave you with a little advice. Rent Crocodile Dundee III. I caught it on the cable last night. It totally holds up!
[present:]
Marshall: Crocodile Dundee III is the second-best of the Croc trilogy, so maybe I can live with that.

Quote from Barney

Robin: You should listen to it. Just don't put too much pressure on it.
Ted: She's right. I mean, this idea that someone's last words have to be profound and meaningful? I mean, who can live up to that?
Barney: Exactly. All those "famous last words" people supposedly said? They're all made up. Like that patriotic
dude, Nathan Hale, from third-grade history?
[fantasy scene of Barney as Nathan Hale about to be hanged:]
Barney: My I only regret is I have but one life to lose for my country.
[present:]
Barney: You know what his real last words were?
[fantasy:]
Barney: [high-pitched] I'm peeing my pants!
[present:]
Barney: True story.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Guys, listen to what just happened.
[flashback to Lily and Judy in the kitchen:]
Lily: Judy, do you need a break? I'm happy to cook for a while.
Judy: You think your snobby New York cooking is better than mine... admit it! Well, go ahead, Lily, why don't
you just whip up a batch of your fancy tofu sushi bagels! And choke on them!
[present:]
Barney: Whoa.
Ted: Are you okay?
Lily: Listen!
[flashback:]
Judy: [yawns] I'm gonna go take a nap.
[present:]
Lily: Judy's finally sleeping and it's all because of me! Guys, I have a role: I'm Judy's bitch! Yeah!
Ted: Well, but this day is tough on you, too. You sure you can absorb all that?
Lily: Yeah! Robin gave me a little orange pill from her purse. I don't know what's in it, but things are flowin' pretty smooth right now.
Robin: Hey, stay hydrated.

Quote from Robin

Marshall: Robin?
[flashback to Robin Sr. on the phone with Robin:]
Robin Sr.: And so, despite the endless disappointment you've caused me, I pray that this will finally be the year you achieve something of actual significance. I'd love to stop lying to my friends about you
being in a coma. Anyway, the point is, happy birthday, RJ.
[present:]
Barney: Whoa-ho!
Ted: Wow.
Lily: That's awful.
Robin: No, here's the awful part.
[flashback:]
Robin: You remembered my birthday!
[present:]
[Robin drinks from the flask]

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: "I love you". My father's last words to me are "I love you".
Marvin Sr.: [on message] Ooh, and let me know if you find my foot cream. That fungus thing is acting up again.
Marshall: "I love you". My father's last words to me are "I love you".
Lily: Yes.
Ted: Yes, they were.
Barney: We heard it. Loud and clear.
Marshall: Bye, Pop.

Quote from Marshall

Future Ted: [v.o.] So Marshall finally got up to speak. Funny thing, though...
Marshall: Then my father said the last words that he'll ever say to me: "Rent Crocodile Dundee III. I caught it on the cable last night and it totally holds up".
Future Ted: He decided to keep Marvin's real last words just for himself.

Quote from Lily

Judy: Thanks.
Lily: For what?
Judy: I know what you've been doing today. And I really needed it.
Lily: Any time.
Judy: That dress makes you look like a Kansas City whore. Sorry, dear. Last one.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: I'll be right back. And if I don't come back, well, then these are my last words to you all. I really, really, really love you guys. And I'm going to go drop a deuce.
All: [groan]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Last words, it's a lot of pressure, kids.
Ted: It gets you thinking. [on the phone] Hi, Dad.
Lily: [on the phone] Hi, Dad.
Robin: [on the phone] Hi, Dad.
Barney: [on the phone] Hey, Mom. [sighs] I'm ready to meet my dad.


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