Previous Episode Next Episode 

33Quotes from ‘Nannies’

How I Met Your Mother: Nannies

803. Nannies

Aired October 8, 2012

As Lily and Marshall search for a nanny, Barney is out of tricks to pick up women following his break-up with Quinn. Meanwhile, Robin and Ted try to make each other jealous of their new relationships.

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] That night, Lily and Marshall called Julie hoping she'd accept the job.
Julie Jorgensen: I'm so sorry. I can't.
Marshall: Don't tell us you took the other job.
Julie Jorgensen: No, I didn't. I'm not taking any nanny job.
Lily: I don't understand.
Julie Jorgensen: The most amazing thing happened at my next interview after you guys. I fell in love with a single dad who turns out to be a billionaire. Tomorrow we're heading off to Paris in his private jet. It's gonna be, as he would say, legend-Wait for it.
[cut to Lily and Marshall going to Barney's place:]
Lily & Marshall: Barney!
Barney: Ixnay on the eal-ray ame-nay.
Julie Jorgensen: Mr. and Mrs. Eriksen?
Lily: You son of a... itch-bay!

Rate

Quote from Barney

Barney: Look, I'd offer you guys coffee but I have another nanny interview in about 15 minutes, so-
Marshall: Barney, quick question. Why are you interviewing nannies?
Barney: Glad you asked. You guys were all pressuring me to think of a revolutionary new way to get chicks for Bangtoberfest. And frankly, I was stumped, until...
[flashback:]
Lily: So far, everyone we can afford on this Web site, HeyNannyNanny.com is Scary Poppins.
Barney: [v.o.] And there it was. The Big Bro in the sky had answered my prayers. Almighty five. Ow.
[present:]
Barney: I'd introduce you to little baby Edgar, but one, he's napping, and two, he doesn't exist.

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, October of 2012 kicked off The Autumn of Breakups. And Barney, having broken his engagement with Quinn was slowly trying to pick himself back up.
Barney: Welcome to Bangtoberfest! Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt. I'm back! Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt. I'm single again. [woman screams] Sorry about your eye. I'm available.
Ted: “Bangtoberfest. This time it's really not personal.”
Robin: Barney, you just went through some really big emotional stuff. You need to give yourself some time to heal.
Barney: Robin, I spent seven grand on merch. This is happening.

Quote from Mickey

Marshall: So Lily's dad just showed up two days ago unannounced.
[flashback:]
Mickey: Remember when I bought all those Mexican fireworks so I'd never have to buy Christmas presents again?
Lily: Oh, God. You blew up the house.
Mickey: Wha-Blew up the house? Oh, no. Nothing like that. No. No, the fireworks blew up the garage. The house burned down. Holy frijoles! Do I smell brownies?
[present:]
Robin: We covered that fire on the news. I had no idea “Naked Man Runs Back into Inferno to Rescue Potato Salad” was Mickey.

Quote from Lily

Lily: My hour's up. Your turn, Marshall. Oh, no. Baby Marvin, did you just go poo-poo? Craziest thing. He just went poo-poo this very second.
Marshall: Hmm. Are you sure this poo-poo didn't happen on your watch... and you just ran out the clock until it was my problem?
Lily: Oh! Yeah, right. What kind of mother lets her son sit in his own filth for an extra nine minutes and 42 seconds? [Lily hands over Marvin]
Marshall: I got my eye on you, Aldrin. It's watering right now... but I got my eye on you.

Quote from Mickey

Lily: I can't believe I have to go back to work on Monday and we still haven't found a nanny.
Robin: Well, if Grandpa Mickeys there, couldn't he just-
Lily: Oh! Are you kidding? My dad was never there for me when I was a kid. And when he was...
[flashback to Lily with her father at a race track in 1988:]
Lily: What's wrong, Daddy?
Mickey: Oh, Daddy can't pick a horse to save his freakin' life. All I need is just one lucky number. Hey, when's your birthday?
Lily: Today.
Mickey: Well...

Quote from Lily

Future Ted: [v.o.] The next day, Lily and Marshall's nanny search hit pay dirt.
Mrs. Buckminster: Mr. and Mrs. Eriksen, I promise to create a safe, nurturing environment, full of learning, laughter and love so that even when we have to eat lima beans or we get a boo-boo on our knee, we know everything will be just fine. And do you know why?
Lily: Because you're an angel sent from heaven?
Marshall: I wanna bury my head in the safety of your bosom.
Mrs. Buckminster: Because Mrs. Buckminster is here.
Lily: Ah, the search is over. Mrs. Buckminster, we just need to know your salary.
Mrs. Buckminster: Oh, delightful. Well, my weekly fee is...
[later, Mrs. Buckminster comforts a sobbing Lily and Marshall:]
Marshall: There, there. I'm sure you'll find someone you like just as much.
Lily: No, we won't.
Marshall: Not like you!

Quote from Barney

Barney: Bangtoberfest is a flop. I can't think of an innovative way to bang chicks that properly honors my return to the game. Sure, I've tried some old reliables.
[flashback to Barney in MacLaren's dressed as a police officer:]
Barney: Ten unpaid parking tickets. I suppose there is one way I could... get you off. No. I've used that admittedly awesome line a thousand times. You're better than this, Barney.
[flashback to Barney dressed as a judge in MacLaren's:]
Barney: Well, the evidence is pretty incriminating... but I suppose there is one way I could get you off. Damn it!

Quote from Mickey

Future Ted: [v.o.] But Lily and Marshall needed a nanny so they forged ahead with their search.
Lily: So “zero experience” as a nanny?
Woman: Right. But in rehab, I was in charge of the cats, and only two died. So I figured...
Mickey: [coughs] I'm available. [coughs]
[later, Marshall and Lily interview another woman:]
Marshall: How do you feel about spanking?
Woman: For eight bucks an hour, you can do whatever you want to me.
Mickey: [coughs] I'm available. [coughs]
Lily: Dad, we know.
Mickey: I wasn't talking to you.

Quote from Marshall

Future Ted: [v.o.] Finally they met Julie Jorgensen.
Marshall: You're from St. Cloud, Minnesota? I'm from St. Cloud.
Julie Jorgensen: Really? Oh, you must know my dad. George Jorgensen?
Marshall: Of course. George Jorgensen's Organs.
Julie Jorgensen: Oh, last year my brother joined the business.
Marshall: Really. Who knew that Morgan Jorgensen would go into organs?
Lily: Anyway, Julie...
Marshall: Is it still called George Jorgensen's Organs or did they change it to George Jorgensen and Son Organs?
Julie Jorgensen: They changed it to George and Morgan Jorgensen's Organs. Guess whose idea that was.
Both: Morgan's.
Julie Jorgensen: They just opened a new shop out of state.
Marshall: Oh, yeah? Where?
Julie Jorgensen: Oregon.
Marshall: What's that one called?
Julie Jorgensen: Piano Town.

Quote from Barney

Lily: What about baby Edgar's mom?
Barney: Oh, that's a sad story.
[flashback to Barney telling the story to a woman:]
Barney: And in the end, the coroner's report confirmed what I already feared. The female body cannot withstand that many consecutive orgasms. I blame myself.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Once I got the nannies all sympathetic, I had to check their qualifications.
[flashback:]
Barney: I'd like to see how you handle bath time. Follow me to the tub.
Woman: Should I get the baby?
Barney: No.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Once the interview was over, I went in for the kill.
[montage flashback:]
Barney: You're perfect for the job. So congratulations. You're hi- No. I can't do this. I find you very attractive and it wouldn't be appropriate. [all the woman but one grasp Barney's hand at this point] It wouldn't be appropriate. It wouldn't be appropriate. I repeat. It- It would not be appropriate. [the woman finally grasps Barney's hand]
[present:]
Barney: It was like taking candy from an imaginary baby.

Quote from Mickey

Lily: Dad, what happened?
Mickey: [v.o.] Well, when I came back this morning from my jog, Marshall was gone, and I couldn't find Mrs. What's-her-face. And you two were sawing logs. So I figured I'd lend a hand.
[flashback to Mickey taking Marvin out of Lily's hand and replacing him with a burrito]
Lily: Then why did I wake up holding a monkey?
Mickey: Well, a little later, I got kind of hungry.
[flashback to Mickey swapping the burrito for the monkey toy]
Mickey: So I gave him a bath and put his diaper rash ointment on, and fed him strained peas, not bananas,
'cause he had bananas yesterday. Then I did the laundry, finished my burrito, put him down for his nap at noon, sterilized the bottles, and then we just went to the park.

Quote from Mickey

Lily: Wow. That's incredible. When did you get so good with kids?
Mickey: You know something, honey? You don't remember this, but, um, for the first few years of your life, your mom worked and I was a stay-home dad.
Lily: I thought Grandma and Grandpa took care of me.
Mickey: Well, they visited a lot, but I was the guy who took care of you. You know, America thinks I ran into that burning house to get potato salad. But I actually ran in to get this photo album... and potato salad.

Quote from Mickey

Lily: Dad, I never realized you were there for me. How come there are no pictures of me after I go to preschool?
Mickey: Well...
[flashback to Mickey dropping Lily off at school:]
Mickey: Okay. Well, have fun on your first day at preschool, princess. Mwah. Okay, off you go. There you go. Ugh, how am I gonna make it to 3:00 without her? [reads] Belmont Racetrack. Hmm. Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to go just once.
[present:]
Mickey: Six months later, guess what gambling addicts thumbs had metal pins in them. This guy. Bam.

Quote from Barney

[Barney is dressed as a police officer at MacLaren's:]
Barney: Ten parking tickets, huh? I suppose there is a way I could, uh, get you off. Why'd I ever doubt a classic?
Mrs. Buckminster: Now, now, now. This is exactly the sort of behavior you hired me to put an end to, Mr. Stimson. Off with you, dear. Go make better decisions.
Barney: You're right. Thanks, Mrs. Buckminster.
Mrs. Buckminster: You're welcome. And I'm proud of you for trying to change. What you're doing with these young women is simply not appropriate. [Mrs. Buckminster holds Barney's hand]
[cut to Barney and Mrs. Buckminster in bed:]
Barney: That can never happen again.
Mrs. Buckminster: Oh, pish posh. You said that five times ago.


 Episode 802 Episode 804 
  Select another episode