Barney Stinson: True Story
The totally true stories of Barney Stinson.
Robin: You have to go home and get to bed.
Barney: Oh, Robin, my simple friend from the untamed north, let me tell you about a little thing I like to call mind over body. You see, whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story. Yeah, in two minutes, I'm going to pound a sixer of Red Bull, hop in a cab, play a couple of hours of laser tag, maybe get a spray-on tan. It's gonna be legen... Wait for it... [Barney falls asleep]
Barney: So he stays home all the time not getting laid? No, see, that's what you do when you have a fiancée. He should be down here celebrating. He's free. He got that red-head-tumor removed.
Ted: You should write and illustrate children's books.
Barney: You know what Marshall needs to do? He needs to stop being sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.
Ted: Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing. He waited 3 days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday". And then they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude". And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
Barney: And he's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days... Three.
Ted: OK, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead". Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.
Marshall: Hey, why don't you tell us again about your first time at the camp in the Catskills.
Barney: Baby and her family spent every summer at Kellerman's. Her dad did not approve of our love.
Ted: Did anyone put Baby in a corner?
Barney: Oh, God, no. What can I say, I had the time of my life. True story.
Barney: Paint me.
Lily: Okay, I don't get this. You've been making fun of that painting all this time and now you want me to paint you?
Barney: We knew we could torture Marshall because he has shame. I do not. In my body, where the shame gland should be, there's a second awesome gland. True story.
Lily: Yeah, that's not the gland I'm worried about painting.
Barney: [laughs] Yeah.
Robin: Wow. Sounds like you had some accident in that car.
Ted: Actually, he had two accidents if you add the fact that he...
Barney: Hummina-hummina-hummina-hummina ummina-hummina-hummina hummina. I shouldn't even be here, thanks to that deathtrap. But fate... Fate gave me a second chance. And helped me realize that our days on this planet are too few to squander. So I decided from that moment on to continue living life to its fullest.
Lily: So you made a life-changing decision to not change your life at all.
Barney: True story.
Barney: Wait. Where is my cash?
Robin: Oh, yeah, I did a little exchange for ya, Canucklehead. This Canadian dollar here is called a "loonie." And this two-dollar coin? A "toonie." True story.
Barney: It's federal currency and you people talk about it like it's a Hannah-Barbera character.
Robin: Not you people, Barney. Our people.
Robin: Well, I'm more worried about taking vows with this useless pile of garbage in a few hours. What do we do?
Ted: You guys see the irony here? The only person who could possibly get Barney back on his feet is Barney.
Future Ted: [v.o.] See, over the years, we'd all come to experience something Barney called:
Barney: Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir. The most effective post-bender-head's-too-tender-ender from here to Denver.
Ted: What's in it?
Barney: Glad you asked. Columbia University, 1941.
Ted: I take it back.
Barney: [v.o.] President Franklin D. Roosevelt, who we all know is most famous for being a world-class drunk, commissioned a top-secret project: Develop an elixir to cure the common hangover. And what brilliant scientific mind did boozy old FDR pick to head up this historic task?
Ted: Look, my head really hurts. Let's just speed this along. You're clearly ripping off the story of the Manhattan Project, which was run by Dr. Robert Oppenheimer so I'm gonna guess it was your distant relative... Barnert Stinsonheimer?
Barney: Somebody's read their history books. The Too Many Manhattans Project hit a few snags at first. The first batch exploded, which sounded kind of like this: Boom!
Ted: Oh, you suck.
Barney: Just let me finish. But the second batch, sadly also exploded. Boom!
Ted: Oh! Why are you here right now?
Barney: Do you want to hear the story?
Ted: Absolutely not. Please leave. After some trial and error, Dr. Stinsonheimer finally found the magic formula.
Ted: Hang on. Funyuns? Tantrum soda?
Ted: In 1941?
Barney: Sure. They haven't made new Tantrum since then, it lasts a while. Anyway, the elixir was such a success he was awarded the Bro-Bel Prize. True story. Boom!
Barney: I don't understand. Wh... Wait a sec. Ted Evelyn Mosby, you broke The Broath.
Ted: Howdare you?! A Broath is the most sacred bond between... Okay, yeah, I did.
Barney: Are you aware that breaking a Broath can have deadly, even fatal repercussions? Have you studied history, Ted?
Ted: Extensively. But I'm a little shaky on fake history, so...
Barney: The tragic cost of a broken Broath dates back to Ancient Bro-man times...
Barney: Hey, Bro-tus, you'd tell me if, like, a bunch of dudes were conspiring to assassinate me, right?
Ted: Um, totally, Caesar. Paranoid much?
Barney: Just to be sure, can you swear a Broath to me?
Ted: Sure. I swear.
Barney: Thanks. You've always got my back.
[A team of ninjas arrive and attempt to kill Ceasar, but he manages to overpower them]
Barney: Et tu, Bro-te? [throws a ninja star]
Barney: And then he banged, like, a hundred chicks and invented a salad. True story.
Robin: You should listen to it. Just don't put too much pressure on it.
Ted: She's right. I mean, this idea that someone's last words have to be profound and meaningful? I mean, who can live up to that?
Barney: Exactly. All those "famous last words" people supposedly said? They're all made up. Like that patriotic
dude, Nathan Hale, from third-grade history?
[fantasy scene of Barney as Nathan Hale about to be hanged:]
Barney: My I only regret is I have but one life to lose for my country.
Barney: You know what his real last words were?
Barney: [high-pitched] I'm peeing my pants!
Barney: True story.
[Barney runs down the street with two armed men chasing after him. A man wearing a Fez offers him a place to shelter:]
Man in Fez: Psst. In here!
Barney: I'm safe.
Man in Fez: [pulls gun] Not quite. The amulet, please, Mr. Stinson.
Barney: Why? [knocks the guy down]
Boy: Help! Help!
Barney: The kid.
Barney: Hang on, kid. Grab my tie.
Boy: But you're not supposed to take the tie off. You lost a bet with your friends Lily and Marshall which requires you to wear the tie for a full year.
Barney: If it means saving your life, I think they'll understand!
Boy: They sound like nice people!
Barney: Yeah, they are. Grab that... Come on. That's it.
Boy: Thanks, Mister. How can I repay you?
Barney: You can stay in school, that's how.
[A bird flies off the tie]
Barney: True story. But golly, I'm just gonna miss the heck out of that ducky tie. I really am.
Lily: Look what I just found in the trash.
Barney: No! [puts the tie back on]
Barney: Robin, did you know that boutonniere is French for "bootie is near?"
Barney: True story. Une histoire vraie.
[title: "Barney Stinson: Player King of New York City"]
Lily: Is any of this true?
Barney: Of course. [v.o.] Now, hang on to your "chayers." For that day I was called before... the High Council of Players.
Staten Island Lou: Gentlemen, for your attendance here, our deepest thanks. I'm sad to say, this council has a poacher in its ranks. For Barney here picked up a girl outside his territory. The East Side is Tuxedo Charlie's turf. He's mad.
Tuxedo Charlie: True story. The Agreement of 2004 quite clearly did define Fifth Avenue to be our hunting grounds' dividing line. Your West Side college girls are not the slip I park my boat in. So you should know my East Side debutantes are quite verboten.
[title: "Barney Stinson: Player King of New York City"]
Lily: Please. Bronx Donnie? No chance he could get me in the sack. Tell that Mafioso I know something he can whack.
Barney: Ladies, don't you worry, your fair legs can all stay closed. 'Cause luckily they took the counteroffer I proposed.
[at the Council of Players:]
Barney: Well, gentlemen, it seems there's nothing I can say to sway you. Charlie, Donnie, say no more, I gladly will repay you. Carlotta, some champagne. Let's toast before we all adjourn. To boobies. Oh, and B-T-dub, y'all just drank poison. Ha-burn. [laughs maniacally]
Barney: And thus, my friends, I have become, through methods somewhat gory the Player King of New York City. Boom. The end. True story.