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32Quotes from ‘The Bro Mitzvah’

How I Met Your Mother: The Bro Mitzvah

822. The Bro Mitzvah

Aired April 29, 2013

Barney is disappointed with the bachelor party that Ted and Marshall organized for him, while Robin spends the evening with Loretta.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Another guest? Who could this be? Why, it's Lily! And she's here to deliver one of your requests!
Barney: Oh, thank you, Marshall.
Lily: Oh, not that one.
[flashback to ten months earlier:]
Barney: An appearance by my all-time idol, the Karate Kid!
Future Ted: [v.o.] The Karate Kid was an uplifting '80s classic about a teen, played by Ralph Macchio, who defeats the local jerk, played by William Zabka. At least, that's how most people saw it.
Lily: Here he is, just as hot as when his Tiger Beat photo spread gave a young girl the courage to explore the suddenly unfamiliar topography of her changing body... the Karate Kid!
Ralph Macchio: Hey, Barney. It's Ralph. Listen, it's always flattering...
Barney: No! I hate Ralph Macchio! I hate him, hate him, hate him! He is not the Karate Kid! The Karate Kid was William Zabka, star pupil of the Cobra Kai Dojo, who this monster defeated with a cheap, illegal head-kick in the most tragically haunting film ending of all time.
Ralph Macchio: Oh, see, I thought you meant fun-crazy.
Barney: Shut it, Ralph Macchio. Why don't you go have a party with Luke Skywalker and Harry Potter and War Horse and all the other movie bad guys and stop ruining mine!

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Quote from Barney

Ted: But don't worry. Back when you were engaged to Quinn, you told us everything you wanted for tonight.
[flashback to ten months earlier:]
Barney: A bachelor party is a man's... bro mitzvah!
Quinn: Did you just think of that?
Barney: Totally! We can wear... bro-mulkes, spin the bro-del... and consult the wisdom of the Bro-rah. Written in... He-bro.
Ted: Not at all bro-ffensive.
Barney: Ooh, ooh! Couple other ideas, and I'm just spit balling here... so take 'em or leave 'em. Booze, duh, cigars, duh, strippers, duh... Ooh! Things should get so crazy that at some point we should fear for our lives.

Quote from Loretta

Loretta: Hold on. You want me to help you trick my own son? I love it. Barney deserves it. You know, he told me you were a virgin.
Robin: [scoffs] Ridiculous!
Loretta: I know. You are a dirty ho-bag just like me. But he loves you so much. And so do I.
Robin: [mouths] Ho-bag?

Quote from Loretta

Barney: [answers phone] Hey, Robin.
Robin: Hey, sweetie, having fun at your bachelor party?
Barney: No.
Robin: Good, 'cause my night's been hell!
[flashback:]
Loretta: And that's the inverted chimney sweep, the last of the 17 basic sexual positions.
Robin: Now, bondage...
Loretta: Stop! I'm not a virgin! My napkin ring has seen plenty of breadsticks. And one baguette. I dated a center for the Knicks.
Loretta: Oh, thank God you're not a prude. Now we can really talk. Four cosmos, pronto!
[present:]
Robin: [on the phone] Now she's drunk, holding up a napkin ring and three breadsticks, and talking about her night with Crosby, Stills and Nash.
Loretta: [o.s.] Waiter, can I have another breadstick?
Robin: And Young. Please come back.

Quote from Robin

Robin: Give him the worst night of his life.
[title: "The Barney"]
Robin: We'll give him the worst hotel room with the worst entertainment, the wrong Karate Kid, and the absolute last stripper he would want to see.
[flashback:]
Quinn: Hold on. You want me to pretend my life's gone to crap and I'm back to stripping just screw with my ex-fiance? I love it!
[back:]
Robin: That party will be so terrible, he'll have to leave it. Then I'll instruct his arch-nemesis to say, "I mean, what kind of loser has his bachelor party ten yards from A.C. and doesn't even gamble?" Barney will take the envelope of cash I gave him and head straight into our trap. Meanwhile, I'll make sure he's abandoned me in my nightmare scenario.
Ted: Wait, hold on. Is there any chance this is all too mean to Barney? [all laugh] Just kidding.
Robin: Okay, we just need the finale.
Marshall: Oh! The Chinese mobsters chop off my hand right in front of Barney! Yes, we're all equally enthused! [nobody high-fives Marshall]
Robin: Okay, here's the plan. After I storm off...

Quote from Barney

Barney: Everyone, everyone, thank you for an incredible bro mitzvah.
Ted: Mazel brov!
All: Mazel brov!
Barney: Mm, oh, you didn't really get everything on the list. No offense to Ralph Macchio, but he ain't the Karate Kid.
William Zabka: I couldn't agree with you more. [starts to remove clown make-up] You know, they almost didn't get me. But after 18 voice mails, I returned Robin's call. And she told me how you're one of the few people in the world who truly gets The Karate Kid movie. So when she asked if I'd help, well, my answer just had to be... Hai!
Barney: William Zabka!

Quote from Robin

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, this is the story of the night Barney's life completely fell apart.
[six hours earlier:]
Barney: My life is finally perfect, and that is never going to change. Fired up for dinner with my mom tonight?
Robin: Yeah. To help streamline the rest of our lives, you can always assume my answer to that question is no. I'm pretty nervous.
Barney: Nervous? Why? It's just gonna be two hours of "I love Barney the most". "No, I love Barney the most".
Robin: You're right. I may not even get a chance to talk.

Quote from Barney

Robin: But I'm still... I don't know. I'm worried she won't think I'm good enough to be engaged to her precious little Love-Love.
Barney: Okay, first of all, it's "Wuv-Wuv". And second, don't worry. I'm just gonna drop off our catering deposit, and then I will be there for you.
Robin: Okay, well, please don't be late. I am counting on you tonight. And be careful... that's 5,000 bucks in there.
Barney: Uh, I think I'll be okay walking four blocks here on the Upper East Side.
[A masked man throws a cover over Barney's head and pushes him into a waiting minivan.]
Barney: Please, I swear I never talked to the North Koreans! Unless you are the North Koreans, in which case I never talked to the South Koreans!
Man: [altered voice] Barney Stinson, you are being kidnapped.
Ted: For your surprise bachelor party!

Quote from Barney

Barney: A kidnapping. Respect. I was secretly worried you might not be able to pull off my bachelor party.
Marshall: Yeah, it wasn't that secret.
[flashback to three weeks earlier:]
Barney: You two? Planning my bachelor party? Look, you seem like nice kids. But this is a sacred event, a man's rite of passage with his bros. His... bro mitzvah!
Lily: You didn't just think of that. You've been saying it for months every...
Barney: But here's my dilemma: my average night is like an average guy's bachelor party. So, no offense, but if you two plan it, it's gonna be ordi... why wait for it?... nary. Ordinary.
Robin: I can help.
Barney: You? Look, you seem like a nice kid, but bros' fiancees cannot plan bachelor parties. Sorry. You two are on your own. And you will disappoint me. But make it great, okay?

Quote from Barney

Barney: But this is a strong start. The students have become the intermediate students. I just have to make one call. [on the phone] Hello. Robin, great news! I've been kidnapped for a surprise bachelor party so I won't be there at all!
Robin: What? Barney, I can't do dinner with your mom alone.
Barney: Okay, I'll call her, make up an excuse and cancel. And don't worry, I'll take all the blame. Hold on.
Loretta: [answers phone] Hi, Wuv-Wuv.
Barney: Hi, Momsies. I forgot, I'm mentoring an underprivileged child tonight, and Robin can't stand the idea of dinner with you by herself, so we're not gonna be able to...
Robin: [taking Loretta's phone] Don't bother. She's already here.
Barney: Hold on. [switches call] Robin? Too late. She's already there.
Robin: Barney, don't...
Loretta: Robin can't stand the idea of dinner with me?
Barney: Great! We're all set then.
Robin: Don't you leave me alone with her.
Barney: That problem is solved.

Quote from Barney

Barney: [answers phone] Hey, Robin.
Robin: Did you tell your mother I'm a virgin?
Barney: What? Why would you think that?
[flashback:]
Loretta: Save yourself room for dessert. And I hear you excel at saving yourself.
[flashback:]
Loretta: You are so funny. What's gotten into you? Oh, that's right... nothing ever.
[flashback:]
Loretta: You may be nervous as to what goes where on your wedding night. It's really simple. Let me show you. And let's start with the fundamentals.
[present:]
Robin: Why would you tell her I'm a virgin?
Barney: I panicked. Look, I really want her to like you, so just go with it, okay? Okay!
Robin: Listen, Wuv-Wuv, you better get your ass back... [Barney hangs up]

Quote from Barney

Barney: This night has been catastrophic.
Ted: "Catastrophic"! Everybody pound.
Ralph Macchio: Sorry, bro. I'm staying. If this is anything like my bachelor party - strippers, booze, definitely no hand stuff, wink-wink - it is gonna be in... wait for it... credible. Incredible!
Ted: Wow. You guys are actually a lot alike.
Barney: You take that back, sir! I am nothing like Ralph Macchio! I mean, did you guys even get a stripper?

Quote from Barney

Ralph Macchio: Whoa, whoa! I was promised boobs.
Lily: Oh, Ralph, if you want, I can...
Ted: Lily.
Quinn: Is that the Karate Kid?
All: Yes!
Barney: No.
Quinn: He's a lot like Barney, huh?
Barney: You take that back, madam. I am nothing like Ralph Macchio!

Quote from Barney

Barney: Ted, this was my bachelor party. A man only gets two or three of these in his lifetime.

Quote from Lily

Marshall: Man, it's crowded in here.
Quinn: I know, it's like a clown car.
Lily: Well, I can make some room by grinding on Ralph's lap. Si-Sitting! I meant, I meant sitting.

Quote from Barney

Barney: This is the worst bachelor party ever.
Ralph Macchio: Man, my bachelor party was incr... wait for it... and I hope you're hungry, 'cause the second half of this word is... edible! Incredible! Self-shake.
[The clown mimes that Barney and Ralph are similar]
Barney: [gasps] You take that back, clown. I am nothing like Ralph Macchio!
Ralph Macchio: Yeah. You've got more in common with the clown, except his suit's more expensive.
Marshall: Hey-oh!

Quote from Barney

Robin: I just tore your mom away from a living version of a Nick Nolte mug shot and put her in a cab home. Thank you for abandoning me on what has been one of the worst nights of my life.
Quinn: So, it's my usual fee, plus I always charge an extra hundred for girl-on-clown action.
Robin: What the hell is she doing here?
Barney: Robin, I swear, nothing happened.
Ralph Macchio: That means just hand stuff.

Quote from Robin

Quinn: Barney is suicidal.
Robin: I know, it's awesome!
Future Ted: [v.o.] Yep, kids, we had planned out every step of the night. It started three weeks earlier.
[flashback:]
Barney: and you will disappoint me. But make it great, okay?
Ted: Oh, it'll be great, all right! Okay, after two weeks of brainstorming, all I have on my list so far is Purell. Marshall, what do you got?
Marshall: Well, nothing now. This is impossible! How do you make something memorable for a guy who makes every night the best night of his life?
Robin: Give him the worst night of his life.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Please, just don't shoot me in the face... or the crotch!
All: Surprise!
Barney: What's going on?
Robin: Well, we decided to give you everything you wanted for your bachelor party without you even realizing it.
Barney: Wait, so that's why you made me think Marshall might die? And I'd lost all that money and my friends hated me and my wedding was off? You just decided to-to check off everything on this list in the most twisted way imaginable? That is... awesome!
Robin: And it was all planned by a girl.
Barney: Wow!

Quote from Lily

Ralph Macchio: So, Lily, later on tonight, you want to...?
Lily: Whoa, whoa, whoa. That was all just part of the act. You knew that, right?
Ralph Macchio: Yeah! Totally. We pulled it off, right? Platonic shake!
[Lily licks her hand that Ralph Macchio just shook]


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