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40Quotes from ‘Aldrin Justice’

How I Met Your Mother: Aldrin Justice

206. Aldrin Justice

Aired October 23, 2006

After Ted gets Lily a job at his work, she decides to punish his boss, Hammond Druthers (Bryan Cranston), with her unique brand of "Aldrin Justice". Meanwhile, Barney takes on the challenge of a "cougar" in the form of Marshall's teacher, Professor Lewis (Jane Seymour).

Quote from Lily

Ted: Hey. Um, Lily, question for you. Why did I find Mr. Druthers' baseball signed three times by Pete Rose in your desk drawer?
Lily: That's easy. I took it.
Ted: Why?
Lily: It's simple.
[flashback:]
Mr. Druthers: I can't believe there's no horseradish for the roast beef. I guess you were sick the day they taught that at sandwich university
[another flashback:]
Mr. Druthers: [on the phone] Mother, no one from the nursing home is stealing from you. I didn't get you a birthday present.
[another flashback:]
Mr. Druthers: [knocks the ice cream out of a kid's hand] What? You gonna cry? Huh? Little crybaby's going to cry? Hey, everybody, look! The little crybaby's gonna cry! I lost my ice cream!
[back:]
Lily: Okay, I may have exaggerated that last one, but the point is, he was mean. And that's why I took away his ball.
Ted: What does his ball have to do with anything?
Lily: Druthers has to be taught he can't behave like that. When I was teaching kindergarten, whenever a kid was mean, I would take away one of his toys. The kid would be upset at first, but then he'd learn to stop being mean.

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Quote from Barney

Marshall: Yeah, well, it was supposed to be, but my professor's like the toughest grader I've ever seen. She had like a bad divorce this summer and now she's taking it out on us. To tell you the truth, I think she just needs to get laid.
Barney: Really? Laid, you say?
Marshall: You wouldn't be into her. She's, like, in her late 40s.
Barney: She hot?
Marshall: Yeah, I guess she's kind of hot, yeah.
Barney: And she's looking for some action. Sounds to me like she could be a cougar.
Robin: A what?
Barney: A cougar. An older woman, usually in her 40s or 50s, single and on the prowl for a younger man.
Ted: What's a woman in her 60s or 70s? A turtle?

Quote from Barney

Marshall: That's Professor Lewis's office there.
Barney: Okay, let's take a look. Oh, yeah, it's a cougar all right. A prime specimen. See, you can identify a cougar by a few key characteristics. Start with the hair. The cougar keeps up with current hairstyles as a form of camouflage. The prey may not realize that he's engaged a cougar until he's already being dragged, helpless, back to her lair. Now, the blouse. The cougar displays maximum cleavage possible to captivate her prey. If you're watching them bounce, she's about to pounce. See the claws? Long and sharp, to ward off rival females... Or open alimony checks. Yeah, this one's a beaut. Okay, let the hunt begin.

Quote from Lily

Robin: Hey, guys. What's going on?
Ted: Lily stole my boss' baseball signed three times by Pete Rose.
Robin: Why? Was he being mean?
Ted: You know about this?
Robin: Yeah. It's her own personal form of justice. Did you tell him about that time at the Gap?
Lily: Oh, that was a good one. This sales guy was rude to Robin, so I took a pair of khakis.
Robin: I gave them to you for your birthday.
Ted: So I've been walking around in stolen khakis?
Lily: I prefer to call them "justice khakis."

Quote from Lily

Lily: What do you want?
Ted: I don't think that's how you're supposed to greet a customer at Big Wave Luau.
Lily: Aloha, island visitors. The big wave brought you to our humble luau. For that, we thank you. Or in my native tongue, mahalo.
Barney: I didn't catch your name. Did you guys catch her name?
Ted: No.
Lily: My name is Anuhea. It means cool and fragrant, much like any of our 12 specialty drinks.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Marshall, I've thought it over and I accept your challenge.
Marshall: I didn't challenge you to have sex with...
Barney: Tomorrow, the cougar hunt begins.

Quote from Ted

Mr. Druthers: Well, finally. I wondered whether you were making the trees or waiting for them to sprout on their own.
Ted: [laughs] Good one, sir. Anyway, here they are.
Mr. Druthers: Too green.
Ted: Too green?
Mr. Druthers: Yes, the leaves should really be more of a natural brown color. Almost brunette. And think bushier. I want this tower to rise from a thicket of wild, ungroomed, brunette shrubbery. Can you picture it, Ted?
Ted: I can't un-picture it.

Quote from Lily

Ted: Lily, your little system doesn't even make sense. In kindergarten, the kid knew why he was being punished. Druthers just thinks someone stole his ball.
Lily: Well, that's why I left a note.
Ted: A note?
Lily: Yeah. When he finds it, he'll understand why his ball was taken away, he'll stop being mean, and the office will be a nicer place to work. Maybe he'll even be open to hearing your ideas.
Ted: Look, Lil, we're all tolerating this prolonged nervous breakdown you're clearly having, with the punk band and the beekeeping and the petty larceny, but this is my career you're messing with.
Lily: I'm not sure I like your tone. You know what? Now you just lost the ball.

Quote from Lily

Mr. Druthers: Now, as most of you know, my Pete Rose, Pete Rose, Pete Rose baseball has been stolen. Well, I just found this note. "DearMmr. Druthers, I, your baseball, am leaving. Maybe, if you start being nice, I'll come back. If not, other things in your office may follow my lead. In fact, I overheard your iPod talking, and he may shuffle off at any minute." Normally, I would scream at everyone until my voice goes, but maybe that's the wrong reaction here.
Lily: Interesting.
Mr. Druthers: Instead, I'm giving my baseball until the end of the day to decide he's homesick, or, tomorrow morning, I'll begin firing three people an hour. And, if the thief doesn't believe me, well, then you are gambling more than Pete Rose, major league baseball's all-time hit leader, a man whose absence from the hall of fame is a travesty to the entire sports world, ever "allegedly" did!
Lily: Wow. Looks like bye-bye, iPod.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Dude, you're killing me. You didn't tame the cougar. You just made her angrier.
Barney: Do you not see the PowerBar in my hand? I'm fueling up.
Marshall: So you're going back over there?
Barney: Oh, yeah. And tonight, just like John Mellencamp, I am going to get rid of the "cougar" once and for all. Get it? 'Cause that's what he did with his name.

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] Our client was a major bank and financial services company in Spokane. They wanted a modern skyscraper that still captured the distinct flavor and history of the northwest.
Mr Druthers: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Spokane national bank building.
Bank President: That's a penis!
Mr. Druthers: That's- That's ridiculous. There's no way this majestic tower can be confused with the male organ of love.
Bank President: We're not building a penis. You got any other ideas?
Mr. Druthers: Other ideas? You said you wanted Hammond Druthers. This is Hammond Druthers.
Bank President: Well, hats off to your lady friends, but I'm not building it. We're done here.

Quote from Lily

Robin: To Ted! The youngest person to ever design a building over 70 stories... Probably!
All: Probably!
Lily: Congrats, Ted.
Ted: Hey, thanks for telling me to stand up to Druthers and pitch my idea. Seriously, none of this would have happened if it weren't for you.
Lily: Oh. You know what, Ted? That was very nice. You have earned these screws back. Don't sit in your desk chair until you've put them back in.


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