Robin: That was ten years ago. People evolve. I mean, are you the same person that you were in high school?
[Lily sees her African-American friend Michelle enter MacLaren's:]
Lily: Oh, hell, no!
Marshall: I think you're gonna enjoy this.
Lily: That my girl Michelle?
Michelle: Bitch, you know it!
Lily: How she livin'?
Michelle: She living only way she know how to. Large!
Lily: Oh, girl, you gots to get your drink on up in here.
Michelle: I'm hoping my fat ass can hustle me up a vodka-Gatorade.
Lily: For reals. [snaps fingers]

[Robin Sparkles, "Sandcastles in the Sand". Make It Sparkle. Dominant Records]
Robin: [singing] Met you at the mall. Didn't know how far ... My friends said I was a fool. You're a fool. [Shut up]. 'Cause you were a fool and got kicked out of school. [You're so rad.] Together we were gonna travel the globe. From Alberta to Ontario. And now I'm building sandcastles in the sand. [Sandcastles in the sand] Though I could fly when you held my hand. Thought I could fly [But now] Eternity returns to black and white. It was the greatest weekend and a half of my life. We used to go to the beach. On our favorite bench. We'd sit and talk and you taught me to French.

Marshall: So is he the guy who... How shall I say this like a gentleman? Robin, did he take your maple leaf?
Robin: No, it wasn't like that.
Barney: Sounds to me like he gave you your first "O, Canada!" face.
Future Ted: [v.o.] This went on for a really long time. Some of them jokes were elegant and well-crafted... [fast-forward]
Lily: Wait, wait. Did he break up with you and tell you he's just not that Inuit? [fast-forward]
Future Ted: others were crude, and ill-formed...
Ted: Um, something about fur trapping.
Barney: Did you ride his Zamboni?
Future Ted: and others were obvious, but needed to be said... [fast-toward]
Barney: Did you ride his Zamboni?

Robin: No. Actually, he was my first boyfriend. Simon. I thought he was the coolest guy ever. He smelled like Drakkar. He could ollie on a skateboard. And he had the most amazing collection of Hard Rock Cafe T-shirts. [sighs] We spent the whole summer madly in love.
Barney: Tell me more. Tell me more. Like, did he have a car?

Ted: So, I got up this morning, its freezing. So I walk over there. And I don't know why I am still talking. Because clearly we are all asking the same question. What in God's creation is going on with Robin's breasts.
Robin: I know, right, isn't that amazing? I spent half an hour making these happen. Its tape in there, cotton balls, half of a Nerf football, but it works, right?
Lily: Totally. What's the occasion?
Robin: And old friend from Canada is in town and I'm meeting him for a drink.
Barney: Ooh! Somebody you went to Degrassi with?

Marshall: Robin, why do you want to see this guy?
Lily: Oh! I know why. You're gonna win, aren't you?
Robin: I have no idea what you' talking about.
Ted: Yes, you do. Whenever you haven't seen someone for a long time, no matter how much you want to deny it, there's always a clear winner and a clear loser.

Robin: Well, since you brought it up, let's add up the points.
Barney: You're starting out with two big ones right there.
Robin: Thank you. Okay. So, Simon still lives with his mom.
Ted: Point Robin.
Robin: Um, he never became a rock star.
Lily: Point Robin.
Robin: He now works at a water slide park outside of Ottawa.
Marshall: Point Simon.
Ted: Wait. Do they have a wave pool?
Robin: No.
Marshall: Ah. Point Robin. That's five-zip. There's no coming back from that.
Robin: Yeah, he's going down. I mean, unless somehow, he got hotter. There he is.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And sure enough, there was a clear winner, and a clear loser. It just wasn't clear to everybody.
Simon: Hey, babe.
Robin: [giggling] Oh, my God.

Barney: I'm sorry, Simon. Here we are nattering on about our big celebrity. What do you do for a living?
Simon: Oh, I work at the Splish Splash Ottawa Water Slide Park.
Ted: Huh! A water slide park. That sure is different than what Robin does.
Simon: Yeah, it is, because I save lives. If I'm not sitting in that stool at the top of the slide, going... "[raises hand] Go, [raises hand] go, [raises hand] go." people die. What, you think it's so easy? You try it.
Ted: Um... [clears his throat)... okay. Go.
Simon: You didn't put your hand up. Kid just died.
Ted: No, I didn't know...
Simon: Another kid just went. He died, too.
Ted: Oh, well, sure. I mean, if I was actually...
Simon: Another kid just went; now you've got a pile-up and Robin's got something to report on the news. This just in: My friend, Ted, just killed a bunch of kids today.

Robin: I'm sorry. But you guys just don't understand. The fact that he kept the band going...that's impressive! I mean, I gave up my musical dream.
Barney: Which brings us to the most important piece of information from tonight.
[flashback to MacLaren's:]
Barney: So, Simon, how did you guys meet?
Simon: Oh, I was in her video.
Robin: Starred in it is more like it.
Simon: Well, once you win Mr. Teen Winnipeg, everybody wants a piece of the moneymaker.
Barney: I'm sorry. I've seen "Let's Go to the Mall" about a thousand times, and you, sir, are not in it.
Simon: No, I was in the other one.
Barney: There's another video?!
[An excited Barney jumps up and rushes out of MacLaren's]

Marshall: It was so hard to watch, Robin. You're usually so cool.
Robin: I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm sitting next to Simon, and suddenly I'm 16 again.
Ted: Oh, it's actually a common thing. When you're around someone from your past, you kind of revert back to who you were when you knew them. There's not really a name for it, though.
Marshall: It's called "revertigo."
Ted: Yeah, I don't know about "revertigo."
Marshall: You know who gets really bad revertigo? [whispers] Lily when she around her high school friend, Michelle.