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38Quotes from ‘Brunch’

How I Met Your Mother: Brunch

203. Brunch

Aired October 2, 2006

When Ted's parents visit New York City, a series of disagreements break out at brunch which end up revealing a big secret. Meanwhile, Lily and Marshall try to drive each other crazy when they first spend time together as friends following their split.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Can you believe your dad rack-jacked me like that?
Ted: My dad made out with Wendy the waitress? He cheated on my mom? No, that's impossible.
Barney: Ted, it's a well-known statistic that 83% of people married longer than six months are seeing someone on the side.
Ted: Do you know that when you make up a statistic, you always use "83%"?
Barney: You think I'm lying. Well, have you done any surveys on the subject? Because the good people at www.swingers.openmarriageisnaturallegalizepolygamy.org have, and they beg to differ.
Ted: That's not a real Web site.
Barney: Oh, and I suppose I didn't get a real T-shirt for running in their 10K.

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Quote from Barney

Robin: What's the matter with you? I'm his girlfriend, and I'm not even trying that hard. Way to wreck the curve, kiss-ass.
Barney: Robin, I'm his best friend. That's a commitment. Girlfriend? That's like a bad flu. Out of your system after a couple weeks in bed. High five!

Quote from Barney

Alfred Mosby: Whoa! Bravo, Barney.
Virginia Mosby: That is my all-time favorite sonata. Barney, you are just delightful.
Barney: No, Virginia, you're delightful, I am deligh-ted. And he's just Ted. I'm really not planning these things; they just keep happening.

Quote from Robin

Virginia Mosby: Robin, dear, did I say something to upset you?
Robin: Why don't you want me to have your grandkids?
Virginia Mosby: Do you want to have my grandkids?
Robin: No! I mean, I don't know. I just... I want you to want me to want to have your grandkids. And you should. I'm a genetic gold mine. No family history of diabetes or heart disease. Everyone has nonporous teeth and perfect eyesight. I had one schizophrenic uncle but even he had perfect vision. Which was unfortunate for the people around the bell tower he was in, but still he was a very fine man, and...

Quote from Ted

Ted: I mean, I don't even know you people. I don't even know how you met.
Alfred Mosby: I never told you how I met your mother?
Ted: No.
Alfred Mosby: Oh, great story. At a bar.
Ted: That's it? That's what passes for communication in our family? Man, when I have kids, and I tell them how I met their mother, I'm gonna tell them everything, the whole damn story.
Alfred Mosby: I think it was an Irish bar.

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] Okay, now I got to back up all the way to the beginning to tell you the me and Robin part of the story. We were expecting my parents at any minute.
Ted: One last thing about my mom. She grills every single one of my girlfriends about when we're gonna get married and have kids.
Robin: But this is the first time she's meeting me.
Ted: Doesn't matter. And you'll know it's coming when she mentions my cousin Stacy, six kids in five years. The woman's basically a ride at a water park.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: All right, that's it. I want The Beatles Anthology.
Marshall: Oh, well, that's too bad. I'm keeping it! And you know the U2 box set I gave you? Look inside, all Dave Matthews.
Lily: You are evil.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.
Alfred Mosby: Ted.
Ted: I know you've all been excited to meet...
Barney: Barney Stinson. An honor to meet the two of you. That needlepoint "Bless This Mess" pillow you made for Ted, what a stitch. Stitch! Did that just happen? [laughs]

Quote from Barney

Robin: So, I made a reservation at San Marino tonight for 8:00.
Barney: San Marino! Oh, you're serious? Yikes. No. We have to try Casa A Pezzi. Best salmon risotto I have ever had.
Virginia Mosby: I love salmon risotto.
Barney: I know.
Robin: How are we supposed to get a table at Casa A Pezzi? They're booked for weeks.
Barney: Well, lucky for you, I happen to know the head waitress, which is ironic because...
Ted: Stop it! Don't, don't!
Barney: Ironic because we both work at a homeless shelter where I serve the food. Where do you volunteer, Robin?

Quote from Barney

Barney: Anyone up for a drink at MacLaren's?
Robin: No, I'm kind of tired.
Lily: Me, too.
Ted: Yeah, I'm sure my folks are gonna want...
Alfred Mosby: I feel like I could knock back a few cervezas.
Ted: Cervezas? Did he fall?
Virginia Mosby: I'd join you, too, but I want to get up early for Mass tomorrow.
Barney: St. Peter's, 8:45 a.m., it's my favorite service.
Ted: Wait a minute. You're able to cross the threshold of a church?
Barney: I'll save you a seat.

Quote from Barney

Barney: You know, he mentioned he was divorced last night. I totally spaced on that. Ooh, no line at the omelet station.

Quote from Lily

Marshall: Lily, I'm sorry that I said all those things.
Lily: Me, too.
Marshall: I just find it really confusing to be around you right now.
Lily: It's the same for me. I think we're probably both better off trying to keep some distance for a while.
Marshall: Yeah, I think you're right. Are you wearing a push-up bra?
Lily: Did you Mystic Tan your calves?
Marshall: I withdraw the question.

Quote from Ted

Alfred Mosby: We're sorry we didn't say anything about the divorce.
Virginia Mosby: It was wrong not to tell you.
Ted: Thank you.
Alfred Mosby: But listen, don't tell your sister.
Virginia Mosby: It would just upset her.
Ted: No, this is ridiculous! We have to start talking about stuff, and not just baseball.
Alfred Mosby: Indians won today on a walk-off double.
Ted: Against the Red Sox? Boy, that's a big win. No. No. No. We're not gonna blow past this.

Quote from Ted

Virginia Mosby: So we are definitely going to try and communicate more.
Alfred Mosby: From now on, full disclosure.
Ted: Good. Good, I think it'll be really good for the family. By the way, how's Grandma? She hasn't returned my last couple calls.
Virginia Mosby: I'm gonna get some juice.
Ted: No. No.
Alfred Mosby: You missed a great game last night. Real squeaker.

Quote from Lily

Future Ted: [v.o.] This was only the second time Marshall and Lily had seen each other since breaking up, but to their credit, it wasn't that awkward.
Marshall: Actually, we're cool. We just divided up CDs. It was all very civil. I'm proud of us. We're, we're good.
Virginia Mosby: Well, we were all going to go to Casa a Pezzi at 8:00. Lily, would you like to join us?
Lily: [looks at Marshall] Um...
Marshall: What?
Lily: Well, I- I don't want to go if it would make you uncomfortable.
Marshall: Why would it?
Lily: Well, I mean, yeah, we're... We're good, but you got to admit there's that stuff between us.
Marshall: Um, not for me. Now it's just like we're friends. It's like we're brother and sister.
Lily: "Brother and sister"?! Okay. Fine, yeah, I'll see you at the restaurant, bro.
Future Ted: See? Not awkward at all.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Hello, Marshall.
Virginia Mosby: Lily, that is a stunning dress.
Lily: Oh, thanks. It's kind of revealing, but I thought, "Hey, we're all family." Right, bro? Ooh, ah...
Ted: What's wrong?
Lily: Oh, I, I hurt my ankle in yoga today. The instructor told me to just take deep breaths to get through the pain, just... [Lily breathes deeply as Marshall watches her] Are you all right? You're kind of sweating.
Marshall: No, I'm fine. It's just... This roll is really spicy.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Lily is evil! She just wore that dress to torture me. Well, you know what? Two can play at that game. See, at brunch, I'm going to torture Lily right back. Yeah. There's a part of my body that she's got a weakness for, too.
Barney: Dude, you can't whip that out at brunch.
Marshall: No, not that. I'm going to unleash my calves.
Barney: That's crazy. Nobody's turned on by men's calves. They're a thoroughly unerotic body part.
Marshall: Well, yeah, I'd say that, too, if I had those skinny little chicken legs.
Barney: I'll be waiting by the phone for your apology.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: I really wasn't expecting that to happen.
Marshall: Yeah, me neither. It kind of complicates things, doesn't it?
Lily: Yeah, it does. Why did you have to throw your magnificent calves at me? You know you have a punter's leg.
Marshall: Well, why did you have to throw your beautiful boobs at me? You know you have... boobs.


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