Lily: I'm going into the city. Just, while I'm gone, don't go snooping around in our stuff. I know you think we have a sex tape hidden somewhere, so I'll save you the trouble. We don't. Good-bye. [rewind]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Here's that moment from Barney's perspective.
Lily: [droning] We have a sex tape hidden somewhere. [droning]
Barney: Challenge accepted.

Ted: Damn it, Lily, why are you rooting against me?
Lily: I'm not rooting against you.
Ted: Yes, you are.
Lily: No, I'm not.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Yes, she was. You see, at that very moment...
[elsewhere, in Marshall and Lily's house:]
Barney: "Long-term bets"? "Lily bets Marshall that Barney will die by murder", "Marshall bets Lily that Robin will never return the hair dryer", "Lily bets Marshall that Ted'll go bald, "Marshall bets Lily that if Ted goes bald, he'll totally pull it off" My God! They're placing bets on our lives. And I'm sorry, Ted cannot pull off bald. You know Ted.
I'm right about this. [cleaners laugh]
[at MacLaren's:]
Lily: Ted, I'm your best friend. Why would I root against you?
[back:]
Barney: "Lily bets Marshall that Ted and Robin won't end up together."
Future Ted: [v.o.] That's why.

Future Ted: [v.o.] And Marshall and Lily explained. It all started ten years earlier. They had been looking for a new hobby they could do as a couple.
[flashback to Ted wearing winter sports gear in the apartment with a bored Lily and Marshall:]
Ted: I already missed the beginner's lesson. Maybe I shouldn't even go. Ah, screw it. I've seen the Olympics.
I know what I'm doing. I'm going skiing, bitches! [exits]
Lily: He's gonna break his leg.
Marshall: He's not gonna break his leg.
Lily: 20 bucks says he does.
Marshall: "Lily bets Marshall that Ted will break his leg skiing." [they shake hands]
[12 hours later, Ted's entire upper body is in a cast and he's wearing a neck brace:]
Ted: You would be amazed. People fall off ski lifts all the time. Well, I gotta hit the head.
Lily: Well, he didn't break his leg. [gives Marshall money]
Marshall: Yeah, I gotta say that, um, making money off this bet just makes me feel...
Lily: More alive than you've felt in years?
Marshall: Yes!
Lily: New hobby!
Marshall: We need a cash box, some glitter and some glue!

Future Ted: [v.o.] Here's the funny thing. In my own crazy way, I was kind of happy. For the first time in years, there was no little part of me clinging to the dream of being with Robin. Which meant, for the first time in years, the world was wide open. Because, kids... when a door closes, well... you know the rest.
[Ted walks into a sea of women with yellow umbrellas]

Robin: Uh, our flight leaves at 9:00 p.m., not a.m. God... Patrice!
Patrice: But, Robin, the schedule says 9:00 a.m. and my ticket says 9:00 a.m. and all the e-mail reminders said 9:00 a.m. and our boss in the car downstairs said...
Robin: Okay, Patrice, I get it!

Future Ted: [v.o.] So, Lily was betting against me and Robin. I just didn't know it.
Lily: Okay, you want to make it work with Robin? You need to stay on her radar. Call her right now.
Ted: She's on the plane. Her phone's off.
Lily: Oh, my God! How adorable would it be if when the plane lands, she turns on her phone and her mailbox is full of messages from you?!
Marshall: Ted, don't leave her any voice mails.
Ted: Why not?
Marshall: Because...
Lily: Because you need to go to Russia. With love! Surprise her. Make the, in no way creepy, grand romantic gesture that we all know Robin loves. Oh!
Ted: So I just walk up to her in Red Square with a dozen roses? Or float down to her in my hot air balloon with ten dozen roses!
Lily: Yes, that's perfect!
Marshall: Not like this, Lily. Not like this.
Ted: If you'll excuse me, I've got some sonnets to write.

Marshall: Don't watch that tape!
Lily: Watch that tape! Well, sorry, I just really want to win the bet.
Barney: And here we go.
Marshall: Okay. Okay, fine, Barney. Watch our dirty little home movie, but be forewarned, at about the one minute mark, you're going to see me make this face.
Ted: Oh, God, that's the face you made the day we rode motorcycles.
Marshall: Yeah. Yeah. You really want to see that? And do you want to hear me go, uh... [nasal grunting]
Barney: It can't sound like that. It can't.
Ted: I know that noise, I've heard it through the walls. I thought the neighbors had a sick cat.
Lily: Okay, but, Barney, just remember, you'll also be seeing a lot of this: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's this, but I'm not pregnant.
Marshall: My skin is loose, like an elephant.
Lily: My boobs are perky and plump.
Marshall: I slobber like a confused old dog.
Lily: I slap my own ass.
Marshall: I slap my own ass!
[Barney destroys the VCR]
Ted: Barney, that was my VCR.
Barney: Ted, it was a VCR.

Barney: I found it! Sweet glory hallelujah, I found it, Ted. You're the only idiot I know who still owns a VCR, so you are the lucky winner of the "Who gets to sit next to me and watch our best friends go bananas all over each other sweepstakes." To the outdated viewing device!

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I'll never forget the first time I told your mother I loved her. It was a rainy day in New York. We just had a horrible lunch. The movie we wanted to see was sold out, and I just looked at her and said, "I love you." It was a big deal for me. I hadn't said that to a girl since...
[flashback to Ted and Robin on the roof:]
Ted: I love you, Robin. I'm serious. Do you remember why we broke up in the first place? We asked each other,
"Where do you want to be in five years?" And our answers were just too different. Well, it's five years later, and where are we? Standing on the roof where I kissed you for the first time. I know this is a lot to process, so no pressure here. Just... what do you think? You know what? You're exhausted, it's late. Let's just go to sleep. Well, good night.
[later that night, Ted is in bed alone:]
Ted: [inner monologue] What the hell was that? Okay, I can fix this. I-I was just temporarily insane because of my Lyme disease, which I got on a camping trip that I didn't tell her about because... I go camping in secret. Perfect. Or I could say, "I'm sorry, we're great as friends. Let's just forget I ever said anything." Yeah, that's probably better. Okay, here goes.
[Ted gets up and opens his bedroom door. Robin is already there.]
Ted: I go camping in secret.
[Robin kisses Ted]

Robin: Wow, Ted, I... wow, okay. You got to give me a minute here.
Ted: Yeah, of course.
Robin: Okay, um, we need to talk about this. This time yesterday, I was in Vermont engaged to another man. I mean, it's been 24 hours of emotional mayhem, and, and the day is still not over. I mean, I swear to God, if there's any more surprises, I'm gonna hit someone!
[Patrice knocks and enters the apartment]
Patrice: [speaks Russian] ... comrade. That means, "Hello, coworker." You ready for our trip to Mother Russia?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Oh, yeah, Aunt Robin was thrilled World Wide News asked her to go to Moscow to cover Maslenitsa. She was less thrilled to discover Maslenitsa is the city's annual butter festival. Even worse, she'd spend an entire week with all those buttery Russians and her archenemy, Patrice.