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‘Cleaning House’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

How I Met Your Mother: Cleaning House

602. Cleaning House

Aired September 27, 2010

When the gang help Barney and James clear out their mother's house ahead of a move, they learn that Loretta shielded them from the truth throughout their childhood. Meanwhile, Robin sets Ted up on a date.

Quote from Loretta

Loretta: Okay, everyone, lunch is ready. Who wants sloppy joes?
James: Mom, who's Sam Gibbs?
Loretta: [squeals] That doesn't sound familiar. Who wants sloppy joes?
James: There's a picture of me and Barney in an envelope addressed to him. And you wrote "Your son" on the back.
Loretta: Oh, no, that... It says "Yourson." For Yourson, North Dakota. That's where we took the picture. Lovely town. We went kayaking, and you two rescued the mayor's dog, which had wandered into the rapids. Then Mayor Sam Gibbs asked for your pictures so the city could make statues of you both. I guess I never sent it. That's embarrassing. Now, how about those sloppy joes?
James: If this picture was taken in North Dakota, then why is our old swing set in the background?
Loretta: [shouts] I don't know! I did my best as a single parent and it wasn't always easy. And I'd recommend putting the coleslaw right on top of the sloppy joe. Because it's delicious. That's why!

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Quote from James

Marshall: Does your mom make stuff like that up a lot?
James: Constantly. I mean, she put more effort into some lies than others.
[flashback to young Barney watching TV:]
Young Barney: Mom, who's my dad? All the other kids at school know who their dad is. Who's mine?
Loretta: I don't know. That guy.
[present:]
Robin: Did she tell you that Bob Barker was your dad too?
James: No, no, no. I heard Flip Wilson, Bill Cosby, James Earl Jones, Meadowlark Lemon. The list goes on. I still can't get a straight answer about who my real dad is. And Barney's no help. He still believes every lie that my mom told us growing up. Not me. I caught on early. [to Lily] Careful! Michael Jackson sent me this glove for my 10th... Damn.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Man, I thought I was a light-skinned Caucasian, but in truth I'm a really light-skinned African-American. Man, try to hail a cab in Manhattan. Am I right? Nope. No one's stoppin' for this. These guys don't understand
what I'm talkin' about.

Quote from Marshall

Ted: Wow. Loretta really lied a lot to her kids.
Lily: Well, she's not alone. Whenever Marshall was acting too hyper, his mom would suddenly decide he was "sick" and give him cough medicine until he passed out.
Marshall: I'm pretty sure that's what stunted my growth. I hit 6'4" in the fifth grade, and then I just stopped.

Quote from Loretta

Loretta: Listen. I always wanted to be enough for you boys. I think that's why it always hurt whenever you asked
about your dads, because I was always trying so hard to be both parents for you. But I was being selfish. You deserve the truth, so here it is. Sam is not your father.
Barney: Are you sure?
Loretta: Yes. He's black, dear.

Quote from James

James: Someone order something tall, dark and awesome?

Quote from Ted

Ted: Robin, how can I possibly live up to that review?
Robin: What? You know what you're doing down there.
Ted: Oh, Teddy Westside can bring it. We know this. But that is not the point. You broke the first rule of setting people up... undersell. It's like if someone's never seen The Karate Kid, you don't say, "It's the greatest movie ever." You say, "Uh, it's pretty good." And then they see it, and it blows their freakin' mind. 'Cause Cobra Kai Sensei's all, like, "Sweep the leg!" And Daniel-san's all, like, "Ahh-ahh-ahh."
Robin: Maybe I did oversell you a bit.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Oh, my God. Look at this. My letter from the postmaster general. I still can't believe he took the time to write this.
[flashback to young Barney reading a letter:]
Young Barney: "Dear Barney"...
Postmaster General: "I sincerely apologize about losing all the invitations you sent out to your eighth birthday party. That's why none of your classmates showed up. Not because you threw up when they turned the lights off at the planetarium. Ah, no one even noticed that. Also, Janey Masterson's mother is a whore and, with gin on her breath at 10:00 in the morning she's got some nerve kicking us out of the carpool. Love, Postmaster General."

Quote from Marshall

Lily: Santa's still a lie, and I'm not lying to our kids.
Marshall: Baby, it's Santa. Don't you want our kids goin' to sleep on Christmas Eve with their hearts full of hope, their heads full of crazy cough syrup nightmares, knowing that downstairs Kris Kringle is stuffing their stockings full of joy and stuffing his belly full of milk and lutefisk that they left him?
Lily: Milk and lutefisk? Santa doesn't get cookies in Minnesota?
Marshall: Yeah, that's just what Santa needs at 3:00 a.m. when he's battling a snowstorm over the Rockies, a sugar crash. No, Santa needs protein.

Quote from Barney

Barney: [laughing] Look at us! It's like three of the same guy. Oh, my God. This explains why I was always so awesome at basketball. Guys, I'm black. Sorry. African-American. No. I'm allowed to say either. I gotta go get my camera!

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