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39Quotes from ‘Cleaning House’

How I Met Your Mother: Cleaning House

602. Cleaning House

Aired September 27, 2010

When the gang help Barney and James clear out their mother's house ahead of a move, they learn that Loretta shielded them from the truth throughout their childhood. Meanwhile, Robin sets Ted up on a date.

Quote from Loretta

Loretta: Okay, everyone, lunch is ready. Who wants sloppy joes?
James: Mom, who's Sam Gibbs?
Loretta: [squeals] That doesn't sound familiar. Who wants sloppy joes?
James: There's a picture of me and Barney in an envelope addressed to him. And you wrote "Your son" on the back.
Loretta: Oh, no, that... It says "Yourson." For Yourson, North Dakota. That's where we took the picture. Lovely town. We went kayaking, and you two rescued the mayor's dog, which had wandered into the rapids. Then Mayor Sam Gibbs asked for your pictures so the city could make statues of you both. I guess I never sent it. That's embarrassing. Now, how about those sloppy joes?
James: If this picture was taken in North Dakota, then why is our old swing set in the background?
Loretta: [shouts] I don't know! I did my best as a single parent and it wasn't always easy. And I'd recommend putting the coleslaw right on top of the sloppy joe. Because it's delicious. That's why!

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Quote from James

Marshall: Does your mom make stuff like that up a lot?
James: Constantly. I mean, she put more effort into some lies than others.
[flashback to young Barney watching TV:]
Young Barney: Mom, who's my dad? All the other kids at school know who their dad is. Who's mine?
Loretta: I don't know. That guy.
[present:]
Robin: Did she tell you that Bob Barker was your dad too?
James: No, no, no. I heard Flip Wilson, Bill Cosby, James Earl Jones, Meadowlark Lemon. The list goes on. I still can't get a straight answer about who my real dad is. And Barney's no help. He still believes every lie that my mom told us growing up. Not me. I caught on early. [to Lily] Careful! Michael Jackson sent me this glove for my 10th... Damn.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Man, I thought I was a light-skinned Caucasian, but in truth I'm a really light-skinned African-American. Man, try to hail a cab in Manhattan. Am I right? Nope. No one's stoppin' for this. These guys don't understand
what I'm talkin' about.

Quote from Marshall

Ted: Wow. Loretta really lied a lot to her kids.
Lily: Well, she's not alone. Whenever Marshall was acting too hyper, his mom would suddenly decide he was "sick" and give him cough medicine until he passed out.
Marshall: I'm pretty sure that's what stunted my growth. I hit 6'4" in the fifth grade, and then I just stopped.

Quote from Loretta

Loretta: Listen. I always wanted to be enough for you boys. I think that's why it always hurt whenever you asked
about your dads, because I was always trying so hard to be both parents for you. But I was being selfish. You deserve the truth, so here it is. Sam is not your father.
Barney: Are you sure?
Loretta: Yes. He's black, dear.

Quote from James

James: Someone order something tall, dark and awesome?

Quote from Ted

Ted: Robin, how can I possibly live up to that review?
Robin: What? You know what you're doing down there.
Ted: Oh, Teddy Westside can bring it. We know this. But that is not the point. You broke the first rule of setting people up... undersell. It's like if someone's never seen The Karate Kid, you don't say, "It's the greatest movie ever." You say, "Uh, it's pretty good." And then they see it, and it blows their freakin' mind. 'Cause Cobra Kai Sensei's all, like, "Sweep the leg!" And Daniel-san's all, like, "Ahh-ahh-ahh."
Robin: Maybe I did oversell you a bit.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Oh, my God. Look at this. My letter from the postmaster general. I still can't believe he took the time to write this.
[flashback to young Barney reading a letter:]
Young Barney: "Dear Barney"...
Postmaster General: "I sincerely apologize about losing all the invitations you sent out to your eighth birthday party. That's why none of your classmates showed up. Not because you threw up when they turned the lights off at the planetarium. Ah, no one even noticed that. Also, Janey Masterson's mother is a whore and, with gin on her breath at 10:00 in the morning she's got some nerve kicking us out of the carpool. Love, Postmaster General."

Quote from Marshall

Lily: Santa's still a lie, and I'm not lying to our kids.
Marshall: Baby, it's Santa. Don't you want our kids goin' to sleep on Christmas Eve with their hearts full of hope, their heads full of crazy cough syrup nightmares, knowing that downstairs Kris Kringle is stuffing their stockings full of joy and stuffing his belly full of milk and lutefisk that they left him?
Lily: Milk and lutefisk? Santa doesn't get cookies in Minnesota?
Marshall: Yeah, that's just what Santa needs at 3:00 a.m. when he's battling a snowstorm over the Rockies, a sugar crash. No, Santa needs protein.

Quote from Barney

Barney: [laughing] Look at us! It's like three of the same guy. Oh, my God. This explains why I was always so awesome at basketball. Guys, I'm black. Sorry. African-American. No. I'm allowed to say either. I gotta go get my camera!

Quote from Barney

Loretta: But if you want, I can tell you who your father really is.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And at that moment, Barney suddenly saw his childhood more clearly than he ever had before.
[flashback to young Barney struggling to bounce a basketball in gym as Loretta talks to the coach:]
Coach: I'm sorry, but your son can't be on the team. He's terrible. [exits]
Young Barney: What did Coach say, Ma?
Loretta: He said you're simply too good to be on the team. It's not fair to the other boys. But that's okay. We can just play together in the backyard.
[flashback to Barney's birthday party:]
Young Barney: Why didn't anyone come?
Loretta: Oh, you know what, dear? Apparently there was a mix-up with the mail. I just got this letter from the postmaster general.
Young Barney: "Dear Barney, I sincerely apologize for losing all the invitations you sent out to your eighth birthday party."
[flashback to Loretta, dressed as Santa Claus, putting presents beneath the three as young Barney and James watch]
[present: Barney takes the piece of paper from Loretta and tears it up:]
Loretta: Barney.
Barney: It's okay, Mom. I don't need it.
Loretta: But it's your father.
Barney: I already have a father. And his name... is Loretta.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, your Uncle Barney grew up without a dad, and it always made him feel incomplete. But as he hugged Loretta, surrounded by the boxed-up remnants of his happy childhood he realized he had
one hell of a mom.

Quote from Robin

Robin: So, Ted.
Ted: Hmm?
Robin: You were worried that I oversold you to Liz. Well, I fixed it.
Ted: How?
Robin: I sent her another e-mail. "Dear Liz, I hope it didn't sound like I was trying to oversell Ted. The truth is, he is a genuinely nice, down-to-earth guy... and I think you two would really hit it off."
Ted: Thank you. Thank you. That's perfect. That totally takes the pressure off.
Robin: "Is he gonna rock your world in bed? No. But he's clean, open to criticism and not into anything too weird. He's not bad at all. Not bad at all."
Ted: See, now you went too far in the other direction.
Robin: "I'll be honest, the first few times aren't gonna be that great. He's gonna say 'Are you finished? ' more
times than a waiter at a busy restaurant."
Ted: Stop!

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] During that afternoon, Sam and James began to discover how much they had in common.
Sam: [singing and playing piano] When the night has come Oh, and the land is dark [talking] Come on, you know this. Come on.
Both: [singing] And the moon Is the only Light we'll see
Barney: [singing] Light we'll see
Sam & James: Oh, I won't
Barney: No, I won't
Sam & James: Be afraid
Barney: Hey! Ho!
Sam & James: Oh, I won't shed a tear
Barney: No, I won't shed no tear
[Lily drags Barney off]
Sam & James: Not as long As you stand Stand by me
Sam: There you go.
Barney: Whenever you're in trouble Won't ya stand
Sam & James: Stand by me
Barney: [scatting]
Sam & James: Stand Won't you stand by...
Barney: Hey! [Lily drags Barney off again]

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] Eventually the strangest afternoon of our lives wound to a close and we headed back
to Staten Island, where Barney and his mom had a long-overdue heart-to-heart.
Loretta: Barney, I need to talk to you.
Barney: Uh, me first. Mom, there's something that I need to ask you, and l... I want you to be honest with me. Why do white people like Carrot Top?

Quote from Barney

Barney: So, this chick and I are going at it behind the Central Park Zoo. The bonobo chimps start giving us a standing "O." And just when I'm about to give her the same thing... What up! l-l... I can't. I just... I can't. Guys, I know you count the minutes until you can escape from your humdrum lives by hearing how awesome mine is. And I love doing that for you. But I just can't tonight.

Quote from Ted

Barney: All right! I'll tell you. My mother is selling the house I grew up in. All of my childhood memories gone, just like that.
Ted: That sucks. I've been there, buddy.
Marshall: What are you talking about? Your mother still lives in the house you grew up in.
Ted: With her new hippie husband Clint. The comfort of home is a little ruined when someone turns your old room... into what I'm pretty sure is a tantric sex temple. With all the bamboo, pot smoke and '60s music... it's like my old G. I. Joes are frozen in some weird Vietnam flashback.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Anyway, I need you guys to come out to Staten Island on Saturday and help box everything up.
Lily: [laughs] You expect us to spend a whole day... packing up your mom's house?
Barney: No, of course not. It's a two-day job.
Robin: Uh, pass.
Ted: Same.
Marshall: Unsubscribe.
Barney: You guys are adorable. You seriously believe that I, Barney Stinson, can't talk you into this? I got the queen to give me a fist bump.
Ted: No one believes that story.

Quote from Barney

James: Thank you guys so much for helping us out with this stuff.
Lily: Oh, it gives us a rare insight into the makings of Barney Stinson.
Barney: Hmm.
Lily: Hey, look at this. Who was a cute little basketball player... before he became the biggest pervert in the world?
Barney: I loved pee-wee basketball. Well, until they kicked me off the team. [v.o.] I was so awesome, the coach asked me to quit because it wasn't fair to the other kids.
Marshall: That sounds plausible.
Barney: Hey, it's true. Tell 'em, James.
James: Oh, yeah. He had, like, a four-foot vertical leap. He would hit it from the outside, hit it from the inside.
[Barney leaves] He sucked. Coach cut him from the team, and Mom fed him that story so he'd feel better.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: And then there's the most popular parental lie in history: Santa.
Marshall: Yeah, but that's a good lie. Like when we tell Ted he'll meet the right girl and settle down.
Ted: I always find that reassuring.
Marshall: You will meet her, buddy.
Ted: Ya think so?
Marshall: Yeah. [hugs Ted]

Quote from James

Barney: Ah, Valentine's. The second base of third grade. I always got a Valentine from every single girl in my class.
James: Funny how all these girls have the exact same handwriting as the postmaster general, Mom, and home run king "Frank" Aaron.
Barney: Yeah, schoolgirls. The more they ignore you, pretend to hate your guts, Iock you in the coatroom over winter break, the more they secretly like you.

Quote from Barney

James: Can you believe her?
Barney: I know. Forgetting to send the photo. That poor sculptor had to work from memory. Those statues probably look nothing like us. Damn it, Mom!

Quote from James

James: Listen to me. There is no Yourson, North Dakota.
Barney: Mom...
James: And Sam Gibbs wasn't the mayor. He might be one of our fathers.
Barney: He's not my dad. My dad's Bob Barker.
James: Barney, you've gotta stop livin' in these fairy tales that Mom told us. Bob Barker is not your father. Sam Gibbs might be. But Bob Barker is absolutely, unequivocally not your father!

Quote from Robin

Ted: "Ted Mosby is solid as a rock." No. Dependable. No. Rugged. No...
Robin: Why don't I just go to the Chevy web site and copy down adjectives?

Quote from Barney

Sam: Can I help you?
James: Yeah, um... You're Sam Gibbs?
Sam: Yes.
James: I'm James Stinson. And, uh, I think you may have known my mother, Loretta Stinson in the '70s.
Sam: Loretta. Yeah. Yeah, l-l-l-I knew Loretta.
James: My mother meant to send you this.
Sam: You're my son.
Lily: God, this must be so hard for Barney.
Marshall: Yeah, but you know what? He took a big step today.
Barney: Papa!
Marshall: Uh-oh.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Wait, Barney and James are two years apart. If Sam only knew Loretta for a few months, he couldn't possibly be Barney's father.
Robin: [texting] He's also quite the detective.

Quote from Barney

[Sam plays the piano as he and James sing:]
Sam & James: If the sky We look upon
James: Mmm-mmm-mmm
Sam & James: Should tumble and fall
Barney: [distorted through vocoder:] Or the mountains Should crumble To the sea To the sea
[Sam and James get up and walk away]
Barney: [still distorted] Wait, Dad, James. Where you goin'? That's the best part. Can we go camping?


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