Previous Episode Next Episode 

40Quotes from ‘The Bracket’

How I Met Your Mother: The Bracket

314. The Bracket

Aired March 31, 2008

One of Barney's ex-girlfriends is conspiring to turn women against him but he has no idea who. The gang helps Barney narrow the field down with a March Madness-style bracket. Lily helps Barney approach the four women he has most wronged.

Quote from Barney

[As Barney sits at his table and updates his blog, the "Doogie Howser" theme plays:]
Barney: [types] "March 21, 2008. Barney's Blog. Sometimes we search for one thing but discover another. Even though I didn't find the mystery girl... I did find out something very important about myself..."
Woman: Barney, come back to bed. You have a shuttle launch tomorrow. And that asteroid that's headed for Manhattan, It's not gonna destroy itself.
Barney: [types] "I'm awesome..."

Rate

Quote from Barney

Lily: You okay, Barney?
Barney: Something strange is going on. I was down at the hardware store trying to get a little somethin' somethin'.
Robin: Wait. You go to the hardware store to pick up girls?
Barney: There are four kinds of women who go to the hardware store by themselves.
Robin: Of course there are.
Barney: Single, recently single, recently divorced, lesbian who will let me watch.
Lily: You could not be more evil.
Barney: Sorry. Five. Recently widowed.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Anna, hi.
Anna: Look who it is, Mr. Big Shot Architect. If you're here to ask me to take down the website, forget it.
Barney: What website?
Anna: TedMosbyIsAJerk.com.
Barney: You're right, I do deserve that. That's all I came here to say. You know what? I don't care who knows about it. Excuse me. Excuse me. I, Ted Mosby, am a jerk to women. Tell your sisters. Tell your daughters to stay away! TedMosbyIsAJerk.com.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that little Web site went on to get 400,000 hits. Thanks, Barney!

Quote from Barney

Barney: So, I'm talking to this girl...
[flashback to Barney talking to a crying woman at a hardware store:]
Barney: Look, I'm sure he's in a better place. Now let's find you a sturdier ladder.
[present:]
Barney: I was only gone for a second when...
[flashback:]
Barney: See? Skid-proof.
[The woman slaps Barney]

Quote from Barney

Barney: Weird, right? Yeah. The same thing happened last week at the museum.
Lily: [raises hand] Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Barney: Lily.
Lily: You pretend to be a struggling young artist who needs a new muse.
Barney: [raises hand] No. Marshall.
Marshall: You're a millionaire art thief casing the joint for a thrill money can no longer give you!
Barney: No. Robin.
Robin: You're going blind, and you're trying to soak up all the beauty in the world before the darkness descends.
Barney: Bingo! So, I was talking to this girl...

Quote from Barney

[flashback to Barney talking to a woman at a museum:]
Barney: At this point, about 83%. Soon, these audio guides will be all that I have left.
Woman: I'm so sorry.
[Barney feels her face]
Barney: My God, you are beautiful. How about I get you a headset so you can see with your ears like I do?
[As Barney walks away, he repeatedly crashes into a man]
Barney: [v.o.] I couldn't have been gone more than 20 seconds, but when I came back... [dialogue] Hmm.You know, I also love the smell of great art.
[The woman slaps him and leaves]

Quote from Barney

Barney: This is a nightmare. Some woman that I slept with and screwed over is trying to ruin my life. God, why is this happening to me?
Lily: It's karma.
Barney: Nah, it's not Karma. She's stripping in Vegas. Plus, we're good.

Quote from Marshall

Ted: Look, if you want to figure out who it is, why don't you just start by checking your list?
Barney: My list?
Ted: Dude, do not pretend you're not the kind of guy who keeps a list of all the girls he's slept with.
Marshall: I have one. It's called my marriage license.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Ted, don't be crass. I would never demean the women that I've slept with by putting their names on some tawdry list.
[later, at Barney's apartment:]
Barney: This is a scrapbook of all of the women I've slept with. I made it at the Scrapbook Barn on 7th. Ask for Heloise. Tell her I sent you.

Quote from Barney

Barney: What do you think, Lil? You recognize the saboteur?
Lily: I don't know, Barney. I only saw her face.
Ted: How many of these girls know they're being photographed?
Barney: All of them, but only about half buy a copy on the way out.

Quote from Barney

Lily: No way. The girl who thought he had 12 hours to live has way more cause to ruin his life than the girl he faked proposed to.
Robin: It's fake proposal girl. I mean, she hired a wedding planner!
Ted: It's 12 hours to live! That girl flew them both to Paris!
Robin: Oh, she only bought him a one-way ticket!
Barney: Okay, okay, everybody! Hands.
Marshall, Lily and Ted: 12 hours to live!
Robin: Damn it!

Quote from Barney

Barney: Okay, toss up. "Thought I was Jorge Posada," or "You have my dead wife's kidney?"
Ted: Kidney!
Robin: Jorge Posada!
Lily: She bought Yankees season tickets to watch him play!
Barney: That's true...
Marshall: It's "Dead Wife's Kidney." How are we even discussing this?

Quote from Lily

Barney: Ah, there she is.
Lily: Ooh and she's holding hot coffee. Maybe she'll throw it in your face.
Barney: You're really enjoying this, aren't you?
Lily: I'm making a scrapbook. [takes a photo of Barney]

Quote from Barney

Barney: I don't remember you. I've spent the last two days trying to remember every girl that I've slept with and all the horrible things that I have done to them. And I have done some horrible things. I mean, at one point, I'm pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn't speak the language, but I shook a guy's hand, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there. I'm the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all of the women I have slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So from the bottom of my heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize.
Lily: Oh, Barney! Oh, I'm so proud of you. That's not her. I'm so sorry.


 Episode 313 Episode 315 
  Select another episode