Ted: So you are mad about me and Robin holding hands.
Barney: Of course I'm mad, Ted. Holding hands is like the fourth grade equivalent of banging. Well, in your case, 12th grade. Self-five. You broke the Bro Code.
Ted: No, I did not. I only went to help Robin as a friend because you didn't show up. I did not break the Bro Code.
Barney: It's in the text: "A bro shall not have a weird moment with another bro's fiancee."
Ted: Well, too bad we're in Farhampton and can't actually check.
Barney: I'm pleased to announce the Bro Code has replaced the Gideons' Bible at select hotels throughout the country.

Marshall: [over video chat] To resolve this, I really need to parse the text of the Bro Code.
Ted: Too bad Marshall doesn't have a copy.
Marshall: Actually, I do. They were in the seat-back pockets of my flight in place of the safety cards.
Barney: I'm also pleased to announce the Bro Code is now available in select airlines across the country. And Lufthansa. Der Bro Code is, like, huge in Germany.

Robin: Who's that for?
Lily: Marshpillow.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, as you may recall, whenever Marshall left town for a few days, Lily would compensate with a body pillow she dressed up and named Marshpillow. Pretty normal stuff. But with Marshall stuck driving across the country, Lily decided to upgrade.
Lily: Meet Marshpillow 2.0. Yay.
Marshall: [through iPad on Marshpillow 2.0] Am I on?

Barney: It's in here somewhere. It has to be. Damn it. I should've done these in alpha-bro-tical order.
Ted: Who cares about the Bro Code? It's just some stupid book you made up.
Barney: [gasps] How dare you? The Bro Code has been around for centuries. Nay... whatever's more than centuries.
Ted: Please don't launch into a fake history lesson.
Barney: The Bro Code can trace its lineage all the way back to Broses himself.
[historical fantasy:]
Broses: Article 1: Bros before ho's.
[present:]
Ted: Okay, I see what you're doing. You can't prove I broke the Code, so you're making up stories.
Barney: This sacred text was eventually brought to the New World in 1776 by none other than Christopher Brolumbus.
[historical fantasy:]
Christopher Brolumbus: Article 62: A bro who calls dibs first has dibs. Oh? Dibs.
[present:]
Barney: And that's why he got to bang Pocahontas.
Ted: Pocahontas was with John Smith.
Barney: Maybe according to the hotel register. Whatever Mrs. Brolumbus didn't know couldn't hurt her, right? Except maybe that New World syphilis, but I digress.

Lily: I'm sorry I said you hate women.
Robin: Don't be. For whatever reason, I just... I can't seem to connect with them. Down!
Patrice: Can you help me? I've got a bunch more wedding gifts in the van. Yay, I love Robin so much.
Robin: God, I'm gonna strangle that bitch.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, it was two days before Barney and Robin's wedding and everything was going off
without a hitch.
Ted: Ah. I've been waiting for the perfect time for this. And that time, my friend, is...
Barney: I saw you and Robin at the carousel.
Future Ted: Okay, there was one slight hitch.
Barney: She called me to help her, and there you were, in the rain, holding hands with my fiancee. What up?
Ted: Nothing up. Everything down. All parts of me down. Look, you were busy, so I went to the park to help her look for this locket she buried years ago. She couldn't find it, she got upset, I held her hand. End of story.
Barney: Cool. I just wanted to air that out, you know, bro to bro. You're my best friend and my best man. Of course I trust you. Oh, come on, you don't have to cry about it.
Ted: [sobbing] It's not that. That was a $600 bottle of Scotch.
Barney: Oh, my God. [both sobbing]

Lily: I hope Marshall gets here for the rehearsal dinner. Thank you, Linus. He's somewhere in Wisconsin in a rental car.
Ted: Hertz?
Lily: I mean, it hurts a little, but I'm not gonna cry about it. Hey!
Ted: We've been doing that all afternoon.

Marshall: [over video chat] Hey, Ted, can you give me a gander of the environs? Wow, this place looks beauti... Barney: Wait for it.
Ted: He's frozen.
Lily: Same thing happened last night at the worst possible time. I had just gotten on all fours and taken off my pantie...
Robin: Now Lily's frozen.

Robin: Wow, Lily, looks like you really put some time into this, huh? Though I wonder if instead of dressing up your giant husband doll like Malibu Ken, you could have spent a minute or two, I don't know, planning the weak-ass bachelorette party you threw me.
[flashback to Lily and Robin in white bridal dresses alone in MacLaren's:]
Lily: It's possible I forgot to send out the Evite.
Patrice: Robin, happy bachelorette party.
Robin: You invited Patrice to my bachelorette party?
Lily: No.
[present:]
Robin: You know, it's funny, when I was planning Barney's bachelor party, I managed to wrangle his boyhood hero, Billy Zabka from The Karate Kid. But you scored Patrice.

Ted: Barney, if you believe in the Bro Code, how come you've broken it so many times?
Barney: [gasps] How dare you? I have never broken the Bro Code.
Ted: Hmm, hmm, ah! "Article 104: The mom of a bro is always off-limits."
Barney: Okay, look. We've all had a lot of fun joking about me banging your mom.
Ted: Not all of us. Continue.
Barney: But I swear nothing ever happened between the two of us. Trust me.
Ted: Then what's going on with your fingers?
Barney: That's how our bodies were intertwined.