Marshall: A slap in the face. Ah, yes, Barney, there's something I need to tell you about the next slap that you're going to receive. You see, I want this slap to be as painful as humanly possible.
All: Sure.
Barney: Okay, okay. Yeah, I'm gonna stop you right there. Yes, you won a slap bet with me seven years ago. And yes, over the years you got in some great slaps...
Marshall: Some great slaps.
Barney: But here's the problem. You've tormented me so much that I am now immune to it. It's as if my face, my psyche, my soul were covered in that numbing cream, we all put on our deal so that we can go all night, right, fellas? Okay, we'll all just pretend like we've never done that. Just like we've all never sat on our left hand until it fell asleep and then used it for an away-gamer. Okay, we'll all pretend like we've never done that, just like we've all never taken two live jumper cables...
Ted: Please, stop.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Oh, sorry, kids. I forgot to mention there's a bit of a back-story to this particular slap.
[flashback a few weeks earlier:]
Marshall: Oh, man. At least it landed on the mustard stain.
Barney: Don't bother. That suit is a stain. A stain on the very institution of suits. You know what tie goes with that suit? The tie at the top of a Hefty bag. A suit like that only needs one button, self-destruct.
Lily: Hey, I bought him that suit.
Barney: Where, Barfs Brothers? Men's Outhouse? Georgio Arms-Are-Not-The-Same-Lengthy? That suit is a slap in the face to all suits everywhere.

Barney: Cleveland?
Marshall: Cleveland.
Barney: Why Cleveland?
Marshall: It's the city equivalent of being slapped in the face.
Ted: Bro.

Marshall: Barney, I'm well aware that you've developed a resistance to all of my old tricks, which is why I sought out special training.
[flashback to Marshall going to a kung fu class]
Marshall: Hi. Hey, I'm sure you get this question all the time, but is there a special class where I just learn slapping?
Teacher: We teach kung fu here.
Marshall: Right. See, the thing is I don't need to learn anything about kicking, you know, because, uh... So yeah, I'm good there. What I really need to learn is slapping. I need someone to teach me how to slap my friend just, like, really hard... right in his stupid face. Can you teach me that?
Teacher: Kung fu is an ancient and honorable martial art. It must be learned with great devotion and respect.
Marshall: So where are we on this slapping thing? Yes, no, maybe...?
Teacher: Get out.
Boy: Psst. I know what you seek. You seek to learn the slap of a thousand exploding suns.
Marshall: Yes, that's totally a thing I've heard of. Can you teach me?
Boy: No, but I know who can.
Marshall: Can you take me to this great master? I have much gold.
Boy: It is not one great master you seek, but three. They will teach you the three mighty virtues of slapistry. Speed. Strength. And accuracy. Put these three virtues together, and only then will you have mastered
the slap of a million exploding suns.

Barney: I'm sorry to interrupt but a second ago, wasn't it the slap of a thousand exploding suns?
Marshall: Pretty sure I said a million. Guys?
Robin: He said a million.
Ted: Definitely.

Marshall: So I went to Shanghai...
Barney: You didn't go to Shanghai.
Marshall: I went to Shanghai.
Barney: When did you go to Shanghai?
Marshall: Last year I went to Shanghai.
Barney: You didn't go to Shanghai.
Lily: He went to Shanghai.
Barney: He didn't go to Shanghai.
Ted: Totally went to Shanghai.
Barney: Didn't go to Shanghai.
Marshall: So I went to Shanghai. In search of the first master.

Barney: Okay, enough. I know you're trying to freak me out, but like I said, it's not working. So I will give you much gold to stop wasting my time.

Marshall: Relax, I'm not gonna slap you right now. When I slap you, it shall be beneath a willow tree next to four women and a tiger.
Barney: A willow tree, four women and a tiger? What are you talking about?
Marshall: Who said anything about a willow tree, four women and a tiger? Guys?
Ted: You were totally silent just now.
Barney: But Marshall just said that. What is going on? How did you do that to the jukebox? Wait, it's fake. That's a prop jukebox designed just to mess with me.
Carl: Marshall, that jukebox cost 8 grand.
Marshall: I have much gold.
Carl: Huh. That is much. You got lucky, Eriksen.

Marshall: Look, if you're really nervous, don't think of it as a slap, think of it as a high-five. For your stupid face. So anyway, I'm in the noodle house.
[flashback:]
Marshall: I'll admit, I didn't expect Red Bird, master of speed, to be a girl. You sure you really know how to...?
Robin: What is the sound of one hand slapping?
Marshall: I'm sorry, I don't understa... [slapped] Wait, how did you...? [slapped] Lucky shot, I wasn't ready... [slapped] You know, that tip isn't a full 20 percent... [slapped twice] Train me, Red Bird. Teach me speed.
Robin: No. I retired long ago.
Marshall: Retired? You're like 32.
Robin: I am 86 years old. But slapping is now a part of my past.
Marshall: Darn, I really wanted to slap Barney Stinson.
Robin: This is to slap Barney Stinson? Yeah, okay, I'll totally teach you.

Barney: Beg your pardon, the fabled Slapping Tree of Gongqing Forest?
Marshall: Sure.
Barney: Really? Fabled? Because I've never heard of it.
Marshall: Pretty sure everybody's heard of it. Guys?
Ted: I backpacked there in college.
Marshall: See? Fabled. It even inspired a popular Chinese children's book. It's a poignant parable whose message is if you love someone, set them free. But not before first slapping them right in their stupid face.