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‘Slapsgiving 3: Slappointment in Slapmara’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

How I Met Your Mother: Slapsgiving 3: Slappointment in Slapmara

914. Slapsgiving 3: Slappointment in Slapmara

Aired January 13, 2014

Before he delivers the fourth slap, Marshall explains how he mastered the Slap of a Million Exploding Suns.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: A slap in the face. Ah, yes, Barney, there's something I need to tell you about the next slap that you're going to receive. You see, I want this slap to be as painful as humanly possible.
All: Sure.
Barney: Okay, okay. Yeah, I'm gonna stop you right there. Yes, you won a slap bet with me seven years ago. And yes, over the years you got in some great slaps...
Marshall: Some great slaps.
Barney: But here's the problem. You've tormented me so much that I am now immune to it. It's as if my face, my psyche, my soul were covered in that numbing cream, we all put on our deal so that we can go all night, right, fellas? Okay, we'll all just pretend like we've never done that. Just like we've all never sat on our left hand until it fell asleep and then used it for an away-gamer. Okay, we'll all pretend like we've never done that, just like we've all never taken two live jumper cables...
Ted: Please, stop.

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Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] Oh, sorry, kids. I forgot to mention there's a bit of a back-story to this particular slap.
[flashback a few weeks earlier:]
Marshall: Oh, man. At least it landed on the mustard stain.
Barney: Don't bother. That suit is a stain. A stain on the very institution of suits. You know what tie goes with that suit? The tie at the top of a Hefty bag. A suit like that only needs one button, self-destruct.
Lily: Hey, I bought him that suit.
Barney: Where, Barfs Brothers? Men's Outhouse? Georgio Arms-Are-Not-The-Same-Lengthy? That suit is a slap in the face to all suits everywhere.

Quote from Marshall

Barney: Cleveland?
Marshall: Cleveland.
Barney: Why Cleveland?
Marshall: It's the city equivalent of being slapped in the face.
Ted: Bro.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Barney, I'm well aware that you've developed a resistance to all of my old tricks, which is why I sought out special training.
[flashback to Marshall going to a kung fu class]
Marshall: Hi. Hey, I'm sure you get this question all the time, but is there a special class where I just learn slapping?
Teacher: We teach kung fu here.
Marshall: Right. See, the thing is I don't need to learn anything about kicking, you know, because, uh... So yeah, I'm good there. What I really need to learn is slapping. I need someone to teach me how to slap my friend just, like, really hard... right in his stupid face. Can you teach me that?
Teacher: Kung fu is an ancient and honorable martial art. It must be learned with great devotion and respect.
Marshall: So where are we on this slapping thing? Yes, no, maybe...?
Teacher: Get out.
Boy: Psst. I know what you seek. You seek to learn the slap of a thousand exploding suns.
Marshall: Yes, that's totally a thing I've heard of. Can you teach me?
Boy: No, but I know who can.
Marshall: Can you take me to this great master? I have much gold.
Boy: It is not one great master you seek, but three. They will teach you the three mighty virtues of slapistry. Speed. Strength. And accuracy. Put these three virtues together, and only then will you have mastered
the slap of a million exploding suns.

Quote from Barney

Barney: I'm sorry to interrupt but a second ago, wasn't it the slap of a thousand exploding suns?
Marshall: Pretty sure I said a million. Guys?
Robin: He said a million.
Ted: Definitely.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: So I went to Shanghai...
Barney: You didn't go to Shanghai.
Marshall: I went to Shanghai.
Barney: When did you go to Shanghai?
Marshall: Last year I went to Shanghai.
Barney: You didn't go to Shanghai.
Lily: He went to Shanghai.
Barney: He didn't go to Shanghai.
Ted: Totally went to Shanghai.
Barney: Didn't go to Shanghai.
Marshall: So I went to Shanghai. In search of the first master.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Okay, enough. I know you're trying to freak me out, but like I said, it's not working. So I will give you much gold to stop wasting my time.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Relax, I'm not gonna slap you right now. When I slap you, it shall be beneath a willow tree next to four women and a tiger.
Barney: A willow tree, four women and a tiger? What are you talking about?
Marshall: Who said anything about a willow tree, four women and a tiger? Guys?
Ted: You were totally silent just now.
Barney: But Marshall just said that. What is going on? How did you do that to the jukebox? Wait, it's fake. That's a prop jukebox designed just to mess with me.
Carl: Marshall, that jukebox cost 8 grand.
Marshall: I have much gold.
Carl: Huh. That is much. You got lucky, Eriksen.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Look, if you're really nervous, don't think of it as a slap, think of it as a high-five. For your stupid face. So anyway, I'm in the noodle house.
[flashback:]
Marshall: I'll admit, I didn't expect Red Bird, master of speed, to be a girl. You sure you really know how to...?
Robin: What is the sound of one hand slapping?
Marshall: I'm sorry, I don't understa... [slapped] Wait, how did you...? [slapped] Lucky shot, I wasn't ready... [slapped] You know, that tip isn't a full 20 percent... [slapped twice] Train me, Red Bird. Teach me speed.
Robin: No. I retired long ago.
Marshall: Retired? You're like 32.
Robin: I am 86 years old. But slapping is now a part of my past.
Marshall: Darn, I really wanted to slap Barney Stinson.
Robin: This is to slap Barney Stinson? Yeah, okay, I'll totally teach you.

Quote from Marshall

Barney: Beg your pardon, the fabled Slapping Tree of Gongqing Forest?
Marshall: Sure.
Barney: Really? Fabled? Because I've never heard of it.
Marshall: Pretty sure everybody's heard of it. Guys?
Ted: I backpacked there in college.
Marshall: See? Fabled. It even inspired a popular Chinese children's book. It's a poignant parable whose message is if you love someone, set them free. But not before first slapping them right in their stupid face.

Quote from Marshall

[fantasy:]
Marshall: [v.o.] As my training continued, I also learned the delicate art of Chinese painting.
Robin: That looks nothing like this bowl of fruit.
Marshall: [v.o.] My training went on for a year.
[back:]
Barney: A year?
Marshall: A year.
Barney: One year? None of us noticed you were stuck in Shanghai for a year?
Marshall: I wasn't being held slaptive, I chose to stay and complete my training.
Barney: I'm not even gonna... Just, whatever.

Quote from Marshall

Robin: You have shown great slaptitude, young one. You are ready for your final test. Slap me.
Marshall: What?
Robin: Slap me now.
Marshall: No, Red Bird, I can't.
Robin: Slap me. That is not a request.
Marshall: I won't.
Robin: The Vikings will never win the Super B... [slapped] Wait, how did you...? [slapped] Lucky shot, I wasn't re...
[slapped] That's a big tip. You must have much gold... [slapped] You are ready for your final step.

Quote from Robin

Marshall: Awesome. Oh, man, I can't wait to slap Barney Stinson right across his stupid fa... [slapped multiple times] What? What did I say?
Robin: You must not slap anyone until your training is complete. The consequences could be dire. First you must meet White Flower, the second master, who will teach you strength. She lives atop a mountain.
Marshall: Which mountain?
Robin: No. Not Witch Mountain. Slap Mountain.

Quote from Marshall

Barney: Hate to cut in again, but Slap Mountain?
Marshall: That's right.
Barney: You're claiming there's a mountain in China in the exact shape of a hand?
Marshall: Everyone knows that. Right?
Lily: Totally.
Ted: I backpacked there in college.
Marshall: It's the largest of the Slappalachian Mountains. And at the top...

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Excuse me. Do you know where I can find White Flower?
Man: How dare you speak that name? That is the most feared name in 40 villages.
Marshall: Really? White Flower? I'm sorry, just it's not exactly Voldemort.
Man: Bro. Why don't you just say Candyman three times and be done with it? Jeez.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Awesome. Can you teach me how to do that?
Lily: No, I retired from teaching long ago.
Marshall: Retired? You're like 32.
Lily: I am 106 years old.
Marshall: What is in these noodles?

Quote from Marshall

[fantasy:]
Lily: The true power of any slap comes from the anger behind it. So for a truly devastating slap, you must harvest the anger of many. Every time someone who hates Barney slaps you in the face, the power of their anger goes from your face into your hand.
Marshall: White Flower and I made love that night in the forest.
[reality:]
Barney: No, sorry, flag on the play. You banged White Flower?
Marshall: I made love to White Flower. And then I banged her.
Barney: In the forest?
Marshall: In Gongqing Forest, yes. Actually, right near the Slapping Tree. Which may or may not have come into play.
Robin: Oh, my God, you had a tree-way? [Marshall and Robin high-five]
Barney: And, Lily, you were okay with Marshall having an affair?
Lily: What happens in the magical Gongqing Forest, stays in the magical Gongqing Forest.
Marshall: Best wife ever.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: Like I was saying, you need to harvest the anger of others into your own slap. Now dig deep. Can you think of anyone, anyone at all, who hates Barney Stinson? [laughs] I know, I almost couldn't get through it with a straight face.
Marshall: There are just so many people who hate Barney's guts.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: Point is you need to go get slapped in the face by a bunch of gullible chicks Barney banged.
[montage of Marshall greeting women and them slapping him:]
Marshall: I'm a friend of Barney Stinson... Ooh!
Marshall: I'm a friend of Barney Stinson... Ugh.
Marshall: I'm a friend of Barney Stinson... Oh!
Marshall: Unh.
Woman: I'm sorry, I thought you said you were a friend of Barney Stinson.
Marshall: I did. Oh.
Marshall: Oh! Unh! Wow. Could you also slap me in the face?
Woman #2: God, you're just as perverted as Barney.
Marshall: Oh!

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: [v.o.] And after a while...
Marshall: Look at this thing. It's all hot and glowy. I'll never have cold pizza again. I'll never have cold pizza again.
Lily: Silence.
Marshall: Sorry, White Flower. I've just got a slappetite for destruction. Thanks for everything. I'm gonna go slap Barney Stinson in his stupid face.
Lily: Wait, first you must go learn accuracy from the one who is called The Calligrapher in the far-off, mystical land of Cleveland.

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