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43Quotes from ‘Swarley’

How I Met Your Mother: Swarley

207. Swarley

Aired November 6, 2006

When Marshall starts dating a woman, Ted and Barney warn him that she has "crazy eyes". Meanwhile, the gang start referring to Barney as "Swarley" after a coffee-shop mix-up.

Quote from Barney

Ted: All right, there's only two reasons she'd laugh at that. One, it's the first joke she's ever heard, or two, she likes you. You should totally ask her out.
Marshall: You think?
Ted: Yeah, that why you're not back with Lily, right? So you can experience what it's like to be single.
Marshall: Well, what if the heart doesn't mean anything? What if she writes it on all the cups?
Ted: Mine says "Ted," no heart.
Barney: Mine says "Swarley." How'd they get "Swarley" from "Barney"? It's not even a name. Who would ever be called "Swarley"? [Ted and Marshall look at Barney] Oh, please don't start calling me "Swarley." This would never happen at a bar!

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Quote from Lily

[As Lily, wearing a rain coat pulled over her backpack and her head, chases Marshall's girlfriend through the rain-drenched streets of New York:]
Lily: [inner monologue] There she is. She doesn't look that great. She's not fat, but that doesn't mean anything. I know tons of skinny, ugly women. That's right, snotty girl in my yoga class, I'm talking to you. Come on, Chloe, turn around. Here we go. Turn around, Chloe. Come on, show me that hideous face. Damn it! Ooh, I know, I'll get ahead of her, then I'll cut back so I... [walks into a pipe] Aah! Oh, my God, that hurts! Turn around! Come on! Just turn around! Okay, this is ridiculous. [out loud] Hey! [inner monologue] Turn around! What's the matter with you? [out loud in gruff voice] Hey, you! Turn around! Turn around, Chloe!

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Do you really think she likes me? I mean, I guess it's not that surprising. Every time I come in here, I totally crack her up.
[flashback:]
Chloe: Marshall, here's your pumpkin latte.
Marshall: Wow. How did you fit a pumpkin in this little cup?
[another flashback:]
Man: I'll have a pumpkin latte.
Marshall: How do they even fit a pumpkin in those little cups? What? You got a shrink ray back there? [Wendy laughs]
[another flashback:]
Marshall: Hey, remember that time I said that thing about how do they fit a pumpkin into that little cup?
Chloe: Which time?
Marshall: The first time.
Chloe: [laughs] Yeah. That was really funny.

Quote from Robin

Robin: I love that look. I think I slept with you because of that look. And it's fake?
Ted: Oh, and you biting your lower lip, shyly looking away and thrusting your chest out is natural?
Robin: Yeah, I hear you.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Hey, dude, by the way, I really like that suit. Tell me about the fabric. Is it foreign or something?
Barney: Wow. It is foreign. I'm impressed, Ted. It's Moroccan, actually.
Ted: Whoa.
Carl: I got a call for Swarley. Is there a Swarley here?
Barney: You weren't interested in my suit at all, were you?
Ted: Hmm?
Carl: Swarley!
Ted: [into his cell phone] Yeah, I know he's there. It's really important. Could you ask again?
Carl: Important call for Swarley!
Marshall: Geez, can't you hear him, Swarley? There's a call for you.
Barney: Stop calling me that.

Quote from Barney

Robin: What's up Swarlz?
Barney: No. Okay? No. No more. I will not let this become a thing. It's over. No more Swarley. No Swarlz. No more Swar-lay. No more Swar - wait for it - ley. No more Bob Swarley, mon. No more. No! It's over. Do you understand?
Robin & Lily: Yes.
Barney: Thank you.
[Barney walks away with a note reading "Call me Swarley" pinned to his back]

Quote from Robin

Carl: Phone call for Swarles Barkley?
Robin: [takes phone] Hey, Ted. No, he's not here. Good one, though. Remember that one.

Quote from Barney

Barney: You know, I was thinking about this whole new name thing last night, and you know what I realized? I like it.
Robin: You like being called Swarley?
Barney: Are you kidding? I want you to call me that.
Ted: Do you really think this is gonna work?
Barney: Do I think what's gonna work? I'm just saying, I love my new name, so please only call me that from now on.
Ted: Call you what?
Barney: You know, that-that-that new name that you've been calling me.
Ted: Say it.
Barney: Why? You guys know what it is.
Ted: Say the name.
Barney: No, I don't want to! I hate it! I hate it! It's not funny! It's never been funny! I've never done any... No!

Quote from Robin

Ted: Man, he is really gonna lose it when all the magazine subscriptions start coming in.
Robin: I signed him up for People in Espanol, but I addressed it to Swarlos.

Quote from Future Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] Lily did what any sensible woman would do. She hid under the desk. And she stayed there, listening to her ex-fiance on a date with another woman.
Chloe: I had a really nice time tonight.
Marshall: Yeah, me, too. Stop blinking.
Chloe: I like your eyes a lot, too.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Finally, much like Billy Joel, she couldn't take it anymore.
Lily: Stop!

Quote from Lily

Marshall: Lily, what the hell?
Lily: I'm sorry. I only snuck up there because when I saw how cute she was yesterday, I freaked out.
Marshall: Lily, you saw her yesterday?
Lily: Yeah, I kind of chased her down the street.
Marshall: Wait, so you were the hunchback with the limp?
Lily: Yeah. And she didn't break the picture, I did.
Marshall: So Chloe's not crazy, she's just a nice, normal girl.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Wait, if you were the hunchback, then why did she think you were a guy?
Lily: I-I might have used a voice that sounded like this.
Marshall: Why?
Lily: Because I didn't want her to know it was me, which I now realize doesn't make sense, because she hadn't even met me.
Marshall: You're crazy. You have crazier eyes than anybody that I have ever met.
Lily: Shouldn't you be going back up I mean, you're out of your mind.
Marshall: You're just absolutely insane.
Lily: Shouldn't you be going back upstairs?
Marshall: I've missed you so much.
[Marshall and Lily kiss]

Quote from Future Ted

Ted: Hey. Look at this.
Future Ted: [v.o.] So right there, in the exact same place that six months earlier I had walked up and found Marshall alone, crying over his breakup with Lily, I found him again. Only this time he wasn't alone, and he was happy. So we went to the bar to celebrate, and it was great. I was with Robin, Marshall and Lily were back together, and Barney had a cool new name. All was right with the world until we got back to the apartment.
[The gang return to the apartment, which has been turned upside down by Chloe:]
Robin: Oh, my God.
Marshall: Hey, Chloe, I guess I forgot I left you up here.
Chloe: I was gonna leave, but I can't find my keys.
Marshall: They're right there on the coffee table.
Chloe: [laughs] Silly me. I must have looked everywhere else. Well, I'm just gonna go. [clears throat] Oh, I don't think we've met. I'm Chloe.
Robin: Robin.
Chloe: It's nice to meet you, Roland. I'll see you guys later.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Roland? Your name's Roland. That's funny, right? Rock and Roland. Warsaw is the capital of what? Roland. You're Monica Roland-ski. Hey, yeah, that's just how I Roland.
Ted: Nice try, Swarley.
Barney: Damn it.

Quote from Barney

[As Barney enters MacLaren's:]
All: Swarley!
[Carl plays the "Cheers" theme tune on a boom box]


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