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38Quotes from ‘The Playbook’

How I Met Your Mother: The Playbook

508. The Playbook

Aired November 16, 2009

Now that he's single again, Barney turns to "The Playbook" to hook up with women.

Quote from Barney

Barney: The Playbook contains every scam, con, hustle, hoodwink, gambit, flimflam, stratagem and bamboozle I've ever used, or ever hope to use, to pick up chicks and give them the business.

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Quote from Barney

Barney: To more advanced maneuvers like "the Mrs. Stinsfire."
[flashback to a sorority house:]
Woman: Now kappas, after our disciplinary hearing for lewd behavior last semester, we have been assigned a new housemom. I'd like you to meet Mrs. Stinsfire.
Marshall: [high-pitched in a Scottish accent] Hello, girls!
[Barney winks to camera; present:]
Marshall: Wow. I can't picture a way that wouldn't work.

Quote from Barney

[title card: "The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn":]
Barney: [v.o.] To perform the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn, here's what you'll need: basic knowledge of web site design and a very unique fake name. So, think of your fake name right now. Have you got it? Good. Now, select your target. Preferably a girl with a real nice... Phone.
[at MacLaren's, Barney approaches a woman at the bar who is using her phone]
Barney: [sighs] Yeah, it's me.
Shelly: Do I know you?
Barney: I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
Shelly: Are you, like, famous or something?
Barney: Yes. [chuckles] You really don't know who I am, do you? What a refreshing change of pace. Nice to meet you...
Shelly: Shelly.
Barney: Shelly. Once again, I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. Spelled like it sounds, two "t"s. Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. Ciao.
Barney: [v.o.] Then, as soon as you're gone, she gets out her phone and does an internet search for Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. And that's when she discovers... A series of fake web sites, all devoted to the incredible life of Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. There's the fake business article about Lorenzo, the reclusive billionaire. The fake explorers club newsletter describing his balloon trek to the north pole as a feat of pure daring and imagination. The fake medical journal featuring the heartbreaking story of doctors telling him penis reduction surgery isn't an option. And by the time you get back...
Barney: Hi, Shelly, I hate to be forward, but can I buy you a cup of coffee?
Shelly: Yes! Please.
Barney: What does coffee go for these days, $50?
Shelly: Lorenzo.
Barney: [v.o.] And it is on.
[Barney winks to camera]

Quote from Barney

Lily: Ooh, I got a text from Barney. "Look under the table." Oh. It's a page from the Playbook.
Robin: What does it say?
Ted: It's "The Scuba Diver".
[title card: "The Scuba Diver"]
Barney: [v.o.] Step one: tell a meddlesome female friend about the Playbook. Step two: run a play on one of her coworkers, making her so angry she steals the play book. Step three, put on the scuba suit and tell her you're gonna do "The Scuba Diver" on the hot girl standing by the bar. Your friend, let's call her Lily, goes and talks to the girl and tells her everything about the book. Now, here's where it gets tricky. When Lily and the girl ask what "The Scuba Diver" is, take off your mask, give them spiel about your deep-seated insecurities which don't really exist, because, let's face, it you're awesome. Feeling bad for you,Lily talks you up to the girl who agrees to go get coffee with you. And it... is... on.
[Ted, Robin and Marshall are stunned into silence]
Lily: You son of a bitch.

Quote from Barney

Lily: Don't you think you're kinda rushing back into this?
Barney: Lily, since I started dating Robin, there's a certain thing haven't used as much as I would like to. It's... Kinda big, surprisingly heavy, kind of leathery, and it's black.
Lily: Huh?
Barney: This, my friends... Is the Playbook.

Quote from Barney

Ted: What's "the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn"?
Barney: I'm glad you asked. "the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn" will be my grand return to the stage. Or you know, the bed. Actually, my bed is kind of on a stage. I put a platform and got some lights. It's a real production. Barney exits!

Quote from Barney

[title card: The SNASA. flashback to Barney at MacLaren's with a woman:]
Woman: Wow. You're an astronaut?
Barney: Ssh. I'm actually in a top secret government space program called secret NASA or SNASA.
Woman: Wow, SNASA. Do you go to the moon?
Barney: Well, not the moon you're familiar with, though I have been to the... smoon.
Woman: Wow, the smoon.
[Barney winks to camera; present:]
Robin: If you fall for that one, my heart breaks for you, but I'm sorry, you're a smoron.

Quote from Barney

Lily: Come on, Barney, you just... You just got out of an honest to God relationship. You're a real boy now. You can't go back to these cheap tricks.
Barney: Cheap tricks?! Not one of these is a cheap trick. Except for "the Cheap Trick".
[flashback to Barney at MacLaren's with long blonde hair, wearing a vest and a red bandanna:]
Barney: I'm the bass player for Cheap Trick.
[present:]
Barney: And even that one involves expensive hair extensions.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: That's not even the worst one in here. Have you guys seen "my penis grants wishes"?
[title card "My Penis Grants Wishes". Barney is dressed like a genie as he talks to a woman at MacLaren's:]
Woman: Really? A genie comes out of it?
Barney: Only if you rub it hard enough.
[Barney winks to camera; present:]
Claire: So, then, what happened?
Barney: It says here he breaks into song, and then the furniture comes to life and dances with him.
Marshall: It's not very well thought out. It's no "Mrs. Stinsfire".

Quote from Lily

Lily: That's awful. You realize you broke her heart, right? She's inconsolable.
Barney: Why would she be inconsolable? Lorenzo's balloon won't disappear over the arctic for another week. She would be upset only if someone told her it was a bunch of lies.
[flashback to Lily and Shelly talking at work:]
Shelly: It was all just a bunch of lies?
Lily: It was all just a bunch of lies.
Shelly: The balloon expedition?
Lily: Lies!
Shelly: The man-made island shaped like his face off the coast of Dubai?
Lily: Lies!
Shelly: Finishing 3 in laser tag competion?
Lily: Li... Actually, that one's true. I went to that.
Shelly: You went to the Vatican?
Lily: Lies!

Quote from Barney

Barney: Oh, my God! Well, I hope you're happy with yourself.
Lily: What?
Barney: You broke that girl's heart.
Lily: Me?
Barney: You! She'll probably never trust a guy again. You ruined her for Ted. Not to mention Julio Von Matterhorn, Lorenzo's twin brother.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Now, if you don't mind, I'm off to prepare for tonight's main event. I will be performing "the he's not coming". Glad you asked.
[title card: "The He's Not Coming". flashback to Barney on the observation deck of the Empire State Building:]
Barney: [v.o.] To perform "The He's Not Coming", here's what you'll need, the observation deck of the Empire State Building. Are you up there? Good. For generations, this has been the spot New Yorkers have chosen for their romantic reunions with long-estranged lovers, so all you have to do is walk up to every girl you see and say...
Barney: He's not coming.
Woman #1: What are you talking about?
Barney: Never mind. [to another woman] He's not coming. [Barney gives up when she doesn't respond] [to a third woman] He's not coming. She's not coming? Sorry.
Barney: [v.o.] Until sooner or later...
Barney: He's not coming.
Woman #4: He's not? But we agreed. We always said we'd meet here. On this night. I'm such a fool.
[Barney winks to camera]

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Robin, it's like this. Do you have any idea how many times I've gone to the freezer looking for frozen waffles and not found them?
Robin: Thousands?
Marshall: Millions. But when I go to the freezer looking for a popsicle... Or the remote control because we are having a fight and she's hidden it there... You know what I find? Frozen waffles. That's how it works. You go out there looking for a paper, you're coming back with frozen waffles. And, in this case, frozen waffles is a guy. Also, could you pick up some frozen waffles? In that case, frozen waffles... are frozen waffles.

Quote from Barney

Barney: So, we get up to my place, and I go into my room to set up the camera... To light the candles... And when I come out, she's gone, and so is The Playbook! I think we all know who is responsible for this.
Lily: Yeah, we do.
Barney: Yeah. Al-Qaeda.
Lily: No, you idiot. It was me.
Barney: You son of a bitch.

Quote from Lily

Barney: An actress. Of course. That explains her impeccable diction and her sluttiness.
Lily: Barney, I've got half a mind to take that playbook and put it up on the internet for the whole world to see.
Barney: You wouldn't.
Lily: I won't, as long as you agree to no more scams, no more cons, no more hustles, no more hoodwinks, no more gambits, no more stratagems and no more bamboozles.
Barney: I notice you left out flimflams.
Lily: No flimflams!
Barney: Damn it.

Quote from Ted

Robin: Oh, my God. I'm sorry to interrupt, but look at this.
Ted: No.
[title card: "The Ted Mosby". flash to Barney at MacLaren's in a flannel shirt talking to a woman at the bar:]
Barney: I got left at the altar.
[Barney winks to camera. present:]
Ted: Oh, my god, that's horrible. I wonder if that would work.

Quote from Ted

Ted: For those of you keeping score, "The Ted Mosby" works.

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] There's two basic philosophies of how to handle yourself after a breakup. Some people throw themselves into...
Robin: My career. That's my number one focus right now. From now on, no more dating. Just work.
Future Ted: [v.o.] While others throw themselves into...
Barney: Every woman in New York City. That's right, Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Daughters, lock up your milswancas.
Marshall: Milswancas?
Ted: Wait, I can get this. Mothers I'd like to sleep with and never call again.
Barney: Correct! Circle gets the square.

Quote from Barney

Barney: It's all in here. Everything from basic moves like "the don't drink that."
[flashback to Barney at MacLaren's rushing over to a woman at the bar:]
Barney: Whoa, don't drink that. I saw some guy slip something in there.
Woman: What? Who?
Barney: Uh, that guy. [points to Ted, at the other end of the bar, who is then tackled by the barman]
Woman: Thank you.
[Barney winks to camera]

Quote from Marshall

Ted: You're gonna fall in love.
Marshall: So soon.
Robin: Not likely. I'm focusing on my career. I'm done with dating.
Ted: Oh, okay, we playing the pyramid? "Things people say right before they meet the love of their life."
Marshall: Boom. Kelly Harris, girl I went to law school with said... "Hey, law school's so hard, I just want to focus on my studies." Six months later? Married!
Ted: Travis Frenchroy, backup bartender tells me... "I'm so over the whole dating game. I just want to focus
on my Star Trek fan fiction." Six months later... Married!
Robin: May I respond? While that's all well and good for...
Marshall: Matthew Blitz, accountant at my office says... "Aw, I'm gonna die single and alone. I might as well just focus on this year's taxes." Six months later? City union and planning to get married pending the passage of legislation currently on the floor of the NY state senate.
Ted: Protest all you want, but it's gonna happen. It's a law of nature.
Marshall: Lawyered. Of nature.

Quote from Lily

Shelly: I know. I'm sorry, I feel terrible.
Lily: You should feel terrible!
Shelly: I do feel terrible! I do!
Lily: You should!
Shelly: I do, I do!
Lily: You should! You should!
Shelly: I don't. Look, I was really looking forward to meeting Ted, but I got to the bar an hour early and I met this amazing guy. Like, seriously amazing.
Lily: And you met him at MacLaren's?
Shelly: Yeah, right at the bar.
Lily: What's his name?
Shelly: I shouldn't say. Oh, what the heck. It's Lorenzo Von Matterhorn!
[cut to Lily at Barney's apartment:]
Lily: You son of a bitch.


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