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40Quotes from ‘The Fight’

How I Met Your Mother: The Fight

410. The Fight

Aired December 8, 2008

A bartender at MacLaren's asks Ted and Barney to help him fight a group of men who were occupying the gang's usual booth.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Okay. We have to start going someplace else. At this bar, I'm always going to be the guy who got left at
the altar.
Marshall: This sucks.
Barney: Good times.
Ted: Uh-oh. We lost Barney.
Robin: What do you mean?
Lily: There's a girl over there in a tight red sweater. So he's not listening to a word anyone's saying. Right, Barney?
Barney: Give me a break!
Ted: See, he figured out a while back he could fake an entire conversation just by saying titles of black sitcoms
from the '70s and '80s.
Barney: What's happening?
Lily: Hey, Barney, want to go upstairs and do stuff to me that I won't even let Marshall do?
Barney: Ha. Different strokes.

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Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Dude, fighting is for losers. We're civilized guys. Civilized guys don't fight. Unless it's with lightsabers. But that's like three to five years away, so...
Robin: Well, that's not true.
Marshall: Robin, I'm on the forums every day. Three to five Thanksgivings from now, I'm going to be carving
the turkey with Old Green.

Quote from Marshall

Doug: Hey! Victory drinks! Free! Free! Free! Free! [to Marshall] $7.50.
Marshall: Why do I have to pay?
Doug: 'Cause you don't got my back. These guys got my back.
Marshall: Okay, you know what, Doug? I will gladly pay. And you know why? Because that's what grownups do. They pay for their drinks, and they don't get into fights. You know what I was doing, while you guys were out there being immature? I'll tell you what I was doing.
Barney: Your nails?
Marshall: No, I was doing...
Ted: The relationship quiz in this month's Cosmo?
Marshall: No, I was doing...
Barney: Your best not to cry when Big came back for Carrie at the end of the Sex and the City movie?
Marshall: No. No. Spoilers much?
Marshall: I'll tell you what I was doing...
Robin: The captain of the football team because he gave you his promise ring and you look so pretty in your open back Homecoming dress?
Lily: Sorry.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: I hate those guys! Acting like they're the manliest guys in the universe, like they're Crocodile Dundee and David Hasselhoff.
Lily: Those are the manliest guys in the universe?
Marshall: I don't understand why they're getting all this attention. I mean, I'm the real hero here.
Lily: Yeah, you are.
Marshall: I'm serious, woman. Put it back in your pants.

Quote from Ted

Marshall: I don't know.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Actually, he did know that the worst we were looking at was a small civil settlement, and probably no criminal charges. But he was really pissed at us.
Marshall: I mean, you guys could be looking at some serious prison time.
Barney: Prison?!
Ted: I can't go to prison! I mean, I could get a lot of reading done, finally write some short stories. Work out all the time. Seriously, if I don't come out of there completely ripped...
Barney: Ted, we can't go to prison! People get shivved in the joint! Plus the meals are really starchy.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Good news... I talked to the guys.
Ted: What guys?
Marshall: The guys you didn't beat up. They agreed to drop the lawsuit. Boom! Lawyered.
Barney: What? They agreed to drop it?
Marshall: Yeah. I just explained that you two are wusses. We had a good laugh about that. A good long laugh, actually. I explained how you get a mani/pedi once a month.
Barney: Weekly, Wolverine... some of us care.
Marshall: And how you played the hammer dulcimer in the Pre-Reformation Dance Society at Wesleyan.
Ted: Did you at least tell them we were one of the premier Medieval [med-ay-val] chamber groups in the Little Ivies?
Marshall: Oh, I did. And we all agreed it was much more likely that one guy beat up the three of them than that you two had anything to do with it, so...

Quote from Ted

Ted: Doug, look, you don't understand, you beat up those guys all by yourself.
Marshall: It's true, all right? They had nothing to do with it. I mean... look at these two.
Barney: [runs off] It was all Ted!
Marshall: Look at this guy.
Ted: Yeah, look at me!
Marshall: He wouldn't last 5 minutes in a fight.
Ted: I think I could last at least five...
Marshall: He's got the muscle definition of linguini.
Ted: Linguini with meatballs maybe... check it.

Quote from Ted

Doug: Okay, you know what, maybe it was just me. Actually, you know what, that makes a lot of sense. I tend to black out a lot. Anyway, look, I always got your back. All I ask in return is that you got mine. But you know what? You don't. You can't be counted on. No wonder your fiance left you.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And here it is, kids, the only fight I've ever been in. So what can I share about the experience?
Well, for starters, when you punch someone in the face, it hurts your hand. A lot. But what hurts even more than that? This. And the next thing I remember was waking up.
Barney: [returns] Okay, I'm all warmed up. Let's do this thing.
Ted: Turns out getting in a fight was a terrible idea.

Quote from Marshall

[Thanksgiving day, three to five years later:]
Marshall: It is so good to be home. Mom, Lily, fantastic job. "Good food, good meat, good God, let's eat." Right? Okay, here we go. Goggles on. [Marshall powers up a lightsaber] All right, so, you guys pass the plates. Lily, you want white or dark meat?
Lily: Dark! Honey, please be careful.

Quote from Lily

Future Ted: [v.o.] Why do we fight? What does that thing deep within each of us, that compels us to settle disagreements with our fists? Whatever it is, it's there right from the beginning.
Lily: Stop fighting!
Boy: Why?
Lily: Because it's stupid and juvenile.
Boy: We're six. We are stupid and juvenile.

Quote from Barney

Doug: What the hell is this?!
Ted: Oh, some guys are sitting in our booth. But you know what? This is fine.
Doug: It's cool. I'll take care of it.
Lily: Oh boy, there he goes.
[There is a ruckus as Doug talks to the guys in the booth.]
Doug: Ladies, if you'll please adjourn to your usual booth. Gentlemen, I will require your assistance outside.
Ted: Our assistance with what?
Doug: We're going to go out in the alley and fight those guys.
Barney: What's happening now?

Quote from Barney

Ted: A fight. Should we go out there?
Barney: Come on, Ted. There's only three things you'll ever see me fight: The stubborn clasp of a bra, sexual harassment charges... nine for nine [kisses his fist and raises it to the sky]... And the urge to vomit when I see someone wearing brown shoes with a black suit. [gips]

Quote from Robin

Robin: No, I'm saying there are plenty of legitimate reasons to get in a fight. It might not be pretty, but in certain situations, you gotta do what you gotta do.
Ted: Right, I forgot. She thinks fighting's sexy.
Robin: No, I do not! A lot... Look, I come from a culture of hockey players. If a guy can throw down, it's somewhat way hot. And scars, hello! If a guy's got a scar, he's got a Robin. And if he's missing teeth? I'm missing my pants.
Barney: I'm missing my wisdom teeth. Outpatient procedure. Local anesthesia. Whatever. It ain't a thing. [flexes]


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