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38Quotes from ‘Columns’

How I Met Your Mother: Columns

213. Columns

Aired January 22, 2007

After the gang finds a naked portrait of Marshall painted by Lily, Barney asks her to paint one of him. Meanwhile, Ted struggles to find the appropriate time to fire his former boss, Hammond Druthers (Bryan Cranston).

Quote from Barney

Barney: Paint me.
Lily: Okay, I don't get this. You've been making fun of that painting all this time and now you want me to paint you?
Barney: We knew we could torture Marshall because he has shame. I do not. In my body, where the shame gland should be, there's a second awesome gland. True story.
Lily: Yeah, that's not the gland I'm worried about painting.
Barney: [laughs] Yeah.

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Quote from Ted

Ted: Oh, my God. This is awesome times awesome. It's awesome squared.

Quote from Barney

Lily: Okay, let's get this over with.
Barney: Hey, hey! I don't want you phoning this in. This painting could, someday, become a serious work of art. I mean, you have been blessed with an amazing gift.
Lily: Thank you.
Barney: I meant me. Now, I like how you captured Marshall's essence. Goofy and unburdened, with wit. But me, I want something more regal. Something my progeny could look at and say, "There's stands Barnabus Stinson." He was wise... [picks up sword] and strong.
Lily: I don't think your sword will fit.
Barney: I get that a lot.

Quote from Barney

Lily: Marshall, do you have the money?
Marshall: Yeah.
Lily: Let's get out of here!
Barney: [o.s.] A smooth area?! You gave me the Ken doll?! Marshall and Lily get out of the apartment. She left out Little Barney. Barnacle Junior. My Barnana is... Barnito Supreme.

Quote from Ted

[flashback to 1982 where a young Ted is building a Lego skyscraper:]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Some kids dream of being astronauts. Some kids dream of playing baseball. When I was a kid, I had only one dream. To build a skyscraper.
Boy: That's stupid. [destroys Ted's tower]
[present day:]
Future Ted: There were some obstacles along the way. But eventually my dream came true. I became an architect.
Ted: Morning, everyone! So, I had an idea for the atrium. Ready? Columns.
Mr. Druthers: That's stupid. [destroys Ted's model]

Quote from Barney

Lily: Ted, you can't let him treat you like that.
Marshall: Yeah, you gotta ask yourself, who's the boss?
Ted: Tony.
Robin: Angela.
Barney: Mona.
Robin: Mona?
Barney: Watch it more closely. Rock your world.

Quote from Robin

Robin: Well, Ted, if you do fire Druthers, the key is timing. Remember when I had to fire my makeup artist?
[flashback:]
Robin: Vicki, um... I'm so sorry about this, but there's been some budget cuts and, um, we have to let you go. I mean, after tonight. I still need my makeup for the broadcast. So...
[Robin on TV wearing clownish make-up:]
Robin: Our thoughts and prayers go out to the families of the victims.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Oh, my God!
Ted: What?
Barney: Do you know about this?
Ted: No.
Robin: What is that?
Barney: Only the greatest thing ever. Wait, wait, wait, that's not enough buildup. If they were to cure cancer tomorrow, this would still be the greatest thing to happen all week. Okay. Now you're ready for naked Marshall.

Quote from Ted

Robin: So, you didn't fire him?
Ted: I can't fire a guy on his birthday. Everyone would hate me. Besides, they put a party hat on me. My authority was compromised.

Quote from Lily

Marshall: Okay, all right, so what, you guys found the painting, huh?
Lily: I knew this day would come.
Marshall: How did you know that?
Lily: Because I didn't hide it very well.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: This painting has caused too much grief already. I'm destroying it right now.
Barney: Oh, no, what's the matter, Marshall?
Marshall: Where is it?
Barney: I'll tell you where it is if you'll answer these riddles three.
Marshall: You hung it up in the bar, didn't you?
Barney: Yo, why you gotta ruin my riddles?

Quote from Lily

Lily: Well, what if I found a way to make a little extra money so that we spend our honeymoon not in Howe Caverns, but in Scotland?
Marshall: Loch Ness?
Lily: Yeah. And you know, Edinburgh and the Highlands and Glasgow...
Marshall: Loch Ness. Nessy. Baby, I would love to search for the enchanted creature of the Emerald Loch, but we can't afford that.
Lily: Maybe we can.

Quote from Barney

[flashback to Barney and Lily at MacLaren's:]
Barney: A nude Barney is a challenge. But I think you're talented enough to immortalize this. Now is the time. I'm 31. I'm at the peak of my physical beauty. If I were a woman, I'd have passed it long, long ago. Long ago.
Lily: Forget it. I promised Marshall he was the only guy I would ever see naked.
Barney: I'll give you $5,000.
[back to Lily and Marshall in bed:]
Marshall: We're going to Loch Ness!
Lily: Yeah!

Quote from Ted

Ted: Morning, team. So, I have given it some thought, and I say we revisit columns.
Mr. Druthers: Oh, God, not this again. Ted, a man in a toga just arrived and delivered a parchment. Let me read it: [mumbling] Oh, it's from ancient Greece. They want their basic architectural elements back. Geez.
Ted: What?
Mr. Druthers: You didn't hear me? Toga, parchment... [mumbling]
Ted: Can I see you for one second?
Mr. Druthers: Ooh, I'm in trouble now.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: Hold still. Hold still. Hold still!
Barney: Paint faster!
Lily: Okay, I guess it's time. Drop your shorts.
Barney: Yeah. Wait, wait, that wasn't enough buildup. I need... In a world without justice, one man...
Lily: Oh, just drop them!
Barney: All right.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: [enters] No! No, this is not right!
Barney: We had a deal!
Marshall: Well, I'm going back on the deal. Barney, get out!
Barney: You...! [exits]
Marshall: It's over! [loudly] Lily, I can't let you go through with this! [quietly] I found a castle we can stay in, but it's an extra two grand. [loudly] It's just not right! [quietly] It's beautiful and they say it's haunted. [loudly] I can't let the woman I love compromise her values for money! [quietly] I totally think we can get some more money out of him. [loudly] I'm never letting my fiancee, ever...! [opens door] Oh, you're still here?
Barney: Before you say anything, I'll give you an extra five grand.
Marshall: We accept.
Barney: You people are so easy to control. [laughs] Dance for me, puppets, dance.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's how Uncle Barney paid for Lily and Marshall's honeymoon.

Quote from Ted

Mr. Druthers: Guys, you have no idea how much this means to me right now.
Ted: Wait, his birthday was yesterday!
Man: Yeah, but a bunch of us were up at the conference in Montreal, so we thought...
Ted: No! No birthday! No! I got something to say and I'm gonna get it out. Hammond, listen to me. I am sorry that your dog died, and that your wife is divorcing you and that... your life is falling apart and that these guys missed your birthday. And there is no easy way to say... What are you doing? What's going on?
Mr. Druthers: Oh, God... [clutches chest]
Ted: Oh, come on, you're not going to pull that, are you? Oh! Look, yeah, right. Now we're falling onto the ground. Well, nice try, but guess what? You're fired! You're fired, you get it? You hear me? You're gone! You're fired!
[later, Mr. Druthers is wheeled out on a stretcher with an oxygen mask on his face as his colleagues applaud him]
Ted: In my defense, I think we all suspected Hammond might have been faking. On the plus side, the EMTs seem to think he's going to be just fine and, as you saw, they did admit that I did not cause the heart attack, even if they said it a bit begrudgingly.


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