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‘Columns’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

How I Met Your Mother: Columns

213. Columns

Aired January 22, 2007

After the gang finds a naked portrait of Marshall painted by Lily, Barney asks her to paint one of him. Meanwhile, Ted struggles to find the appropriate time to fire his former boss, Hammond Druthers (Bryan Cranston).

Quote from Barney

Barney: Paint me.
Lily: Okay, I don't get this. You've been making fun of that painting all this time and now you want me to paint you?
Barney: We knew we could torture Marshall because he has shame. I do not. In my body, where the shame gland should be, there's a second awesome gland. True story.
Lily: Yeah, that's not the gland I'm worried about painting.
Barney: [laughs] Yeah.

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Quote from Ted

Ted: Oh, my God. This is awesome times awesome. It's awesome squared.

Quote from Barney

Lily: Okay, let's get this over with.
Barney: Hey, hey! I don't want you phoning this in. This painting could, someday, become a serious work of art. I mean, you have been blessed with an amazing gift.
Lily: Thank you.
Barney: I meant me. Now, I like how you captured Marshall's essence. Goofy and unburdened, with wit. But me, I want something more regal. Something my progeny could look at and say, "There's stands Barnabus Stinson." He was wise... [picks up sword] and strong.
Lily: I don't think your sword will fit.
Barney: I get that a lot.

Quote from Barney

Lily: Marshall, do you have the money?
Marshall: Yeah.
Lily: Let's get out of here!
Barney: [o.s.] A smooth area?! You gave me the Ken doll?! Marshall and Lily get out of the apartment. She left out Little Barney. Barnacle Junior. My Barnana is... Barnito Supreme.

Quote from Ted

[flashback to 1982 where a young Ted is building a Lego skyscraper:]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Some kids dream of being astronauts. Some kids dream of playing baseball. When I was a kid, I had only one dream. To build a skyscraper.
Boy: That's stupid. [destroys Ted's tower]
[present day:]
Future Ted: There were some obstacles along the way. But eventually my dream came true. I became an architect.
Ted: Morning, everyone! So, I had an idea for the atrium. Ready? Columns.
Mr. Druthers: That's stupid. [destroys Ted's model]

Quote from Barney

Lily: Ted, you can't let him treat you like that.
Marshall: Yeah, you gotta ask yourself, who's the boss?
Ted: Tony.
Robin: Angela.
Barney: Mona.
Robin: Mona?
Barney: Watch it more closely. Rock your world.

Quote from Robin

Robin: Well, Ted, if you do fire Druthers, the key is timing. Remember when I had to fire my makeup artist?
[flashback:]
Robin: Vicki, um... I'm so sorry about this, but there's been some budget cuts and, um, we have to let you go. I mean, after tonight. I still need my makeup for the broadcast. So...
[Robin on TV wearing clownish make-up:]
Robin: Our thoughts and prayers go out to the families of the victims.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Oh, my God!
Ted: What?
Barney: Do you know about this?
Ted: No.
Robin: What is that?
Barney: Only the greatest thing ever. Wait, wait, wait, that's not enough buildup. If they were to cure cancer tomorrow, this would still be the greatest thing to happen all week. Okay. Now you're ready for naked Marshall.

Quote from Ted

Robin: So, you didn't fire him?
Ted: I can't fire a guy on his birthday. Everyone would hate me. Besides, they put a party hat on me. My authority was compromised.

Quote from Lily

Marshall: Okay, all right, so what, you guys found the painting, huh?
Lily: I knew this day would come.
Marshall: How did you know that?
Lily: Because I didn't hide it very well.

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