Loretta: Okay, everyone, lunch is ready. Who wants sloppy joes?
James: Mom, who's Sam Gibbs?
Loretta: [squeals] That doesn't sound familiar. Who wants sloppy joes?
James: There's a picture of me and Barney in an envelope addressed to him. And you wrote "Your son" on the back.
Loretta: Oh, no, that... It says "Yourson." For Yourson, North Dakota. That's where we took the picture. Lovely town. We went kayaking, and you two rescued the mayor's dog, which had wandered into the rapids. Then Mayor Sam Gibbs asked for your pictures so the city could make statues of you both. I guess I never sent it. That's embarrassing. Now, how about those sloppy joes?
James: If this picture was taken in North Dakota, then why is our old swing set in the background?
Loretta: [shouts] I don't know! I did my best as a single parent and it wasn't always easy. And I'd recommend putting the coleslaw right on top of the sloppy joe. Because it's delicious. That's why!

[Flashback to 1982, where young Barney and James are watching TV:]
Future Ted: [v.o.] The truth is, Barney and James got a lot of different explanations from their mom over the years.
Loretta: Well, boys, you look different because when I was pregnant with you, I only ate vanilla ice cream. And when I was pregnant with you, can you guess what kind of ice cream I ate?
James: Coffee?
Loretta: No, James, I ate chocolate ice cream. But I did drink tons of coffee when I was pregnant with both of you. Can't smoke without my coffee.
[flashback to 1984:]
Loretta: I don't know, boys, I guess it's just one of those things.
[flashback to 1986:]
Loretta: Stop asking me! You know what you two are? You're little racists!

Ted: Your dad is Bob Barker?
Barney: That's right
Lily: The host of The Price Is Right, Bob Barker?
Barney: That's Pops.
Robin: Barney?
Barney: Yes, Robin?
Robin: Why in the world do you think Bob Barker is your father?
Barney: Uh, because my mother told me he was, that's why.
[flashback to Barney as a kid, watching The Price is Right:]
Young Barney: Mom, who's my dad? All the other kids at school know who their dad is. Who's mine?
Loretta: Oh, I don't know. That guy. [points to Barney on TV]

Lily: I can't believe we haven't met you before. Who knew Barney had such a great mom?
Loretta: Oh, thanks, dear. Truth is, I wasn't always the best mother when I was younger.
Marshall: Oh, don't say that. I'm sure you were great.
Loretta: Yeah, I was a bit of a whore.
Lily: Excuse me?
Loretta: A whore, dear. A dirty whore. I'm not proud of it. But... still, I had some fun. There is no thrill equal to looking into some guy's eyes and thinking, "I don't know your name, you don't know mine, but... for the next eight minutes, we are gonna rock this gas station bathroom right off its foundation." And then just drive off in opposite directions. Just keep driving.
Marshall: Barney's mom?
Lily: Loretta.
Marshall: Loretta.
Loretta: Anyway, that's, that's all in the past now. I did the best I could. But sometimes I wonder how Barney
turned out to be so perfect.

Loretta: Listen. I always wanted to be enough for you boys. I think that's why it always hurt whenever you asked
about your dads, because I was always trying so hard to be both parents for you. But I was being selfish. You deserve the truth, so here it is. Sam is not your father.
Barney: Are you sure?
Loretta: Yes. He's black, dear.

Loretta: Hold on. You want me to help you trick my own son? I love it. Barney deserves it. You know, he told me you were a virgin.
Robin: [scoffs] Ridiculous!
Loretta: I know. You are a dirty ho-bag just like me. But he loves you so much. And so do I.
Robin: [mouths] Ho-bag?

Loretta: Honey, are you okay?
Barney: Look, Mom, there's something I have to tell you. Something I should have told you a long time ago. Tyler is dying. And Betty said that when he goes, she's gonna off herself. So that's probably all gonna go down pretty soon.
Loretta: Oh, my God!
Barney: Okay. No, no! None of that is true! The truth is, I... The truth is Betty and Tyler are actors that I hired to pretend to be my family.
Loretta: What?
Barney: I just wanted you to think I had the life you wanted for me. I wanted you to be proud of me. I know it sounds crazy, and I am so sorry, Mom.
Loretta: So Betty is not your wife?
Barney: No.
Loretta: Thank God! I do not like that woman.
Barney: Really?
Loretta: Yes. And Tyler... I know I'm his grandma and I'm supposed to love him, but I hate that kid. "Tyler no likey!" What the hell is that?
Barney: Right?
Loretta: And those fake friends of yours out there, I just wanted to shoot myself.
Barney: I know. Aren't they horrible?

Barney: [answers phone] Hey, Robin.
Robin: Hey, sweetie, having fun at your bachelor party?
Barney: No.
Robin: Good, 'cause my night's been hell!
[flashback:]
Loretta: And that's the inverted chimney sweep, the last of the 17 basic sexual positions. Now, bondage...
Robin: Stop! I'm not a virgin! My napkin ring has seen plenty of breadsticks. And one baguette. I dated a center for the Knicks.
Loretta: Oh, thank God you're not a prude. Now we can really talk. Four cosmos, pronto!
[present:]
Robin: [on the phone] Now she's drunk, holding up a napkin ring and three breadsticks, and talking about her night with Crosby, Stills and Nash.
Loretta: [o.s.] Waiter, can I have another breadstick?
Robin: And Young. Please come back.

Loretta: You get your brother's ring back.
Barney: Mom, please don't make me take sides.
Loretta: That's your brother out there. You two shared bunk beds and baseball mitts, and when you were hungry, these supple breasts... Arguably a little too long. Stinsons stand up for each other. Take care of this. I'm gonna play some cards. All right, chumps. I'm gonna tell you what I told Frampton's guitar tech when he couldn't find a condom. Let's gamble.

Barney: Oh, great. You guys escaped. Got rescued!
James: Are you okay?
Jerry: A bit shaken up.
James: Being trapped in an elevator is scary.
Jerry: No, Barney lowered in a TV showing some pretty graphic 1970s pornography.
Loretta: Still, a lot of familiar faces in there. Well, not just faces.