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39Quotes from ‘The Ashtray’

How I Met Your Mother: The Ashtray

817. The Ashtray

Aired February 18, 2013

When Ted gets an unexpected phone call from The Captain, the gang remember the awkward night they spent with him at an art exhibit.

Quote from Lily

Marshall: Lily!
Lily: Hey, you know the rules. You misbehave, I take away one of your toys. Aldrin Justice, baby.
Marshall: So you're telling me that that ashtray that's been in our apartment for over a year and a half is not only stolen, but also very expensive.
Lily: Both of those things, yes.

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Quote from Barney

Ted: [on the phone] Uh, Captain, can... can I put you on hold?
The Captain: Affirmative.
Ted: He wants Robin's number. Should I give it to him?
Barney: Is he trying to hook up with my fiance? No, uh-uh. The only way that's happening is if I get to hook up with someone, too. Wait a second... No. Unless... Absolutely not. However... Forget it. On the other hand... Ixnay! [slaps himself]

Quote from Barney

Robin: So he invited me back to his bedroom to show me this painting, and...
[flashback to The Captain waiting on his bed:]
The Captain: Finally. We're alone.
[present:]
Barney: Robin, no, I don't want to picture that.
Robin: Nothing happened.
Barney: Aw, that means hand stuff.
Robin: What? No. I'm serious. He was on the rebound. I told him to take some time to pull himself together and call me in a year and a half.
Barney: Ah, great. What if he asks you out? What does that mean for our relationship? What, are we planning to be in some super-enlightened, forward-thinking marriage, where we don't get hung up on the suffocating and outdated principles of monogamy, and instead enjoy the company of multiple partners, sometimes bringing said partners into our marital bed, but just girls, not dudes, except maybe one time just to see what that's like? I mean, is that what you want?
Robin: No.
Barney: Okay. Me, neither!

Quote from Barney

Ted: You know what, Barney? Now that I think about it, you were there.
Robin: That's right, you were.
Barney: I was?
Robin: Yeah.
Barney: I mean, I know I was. That's what I'm saying, guys.
Ted: We just... We just didn't realize it because you were in disguise.
Robin: Yeah, you were doing one of your plays from the playbook.
Ted: On Shelly, the art consultant.
Robin: Yes, it was some play that had to do with art...
Barney: The Royal Archduke of Grand Fenwick? A simple play you can do using two everyday household objects: a Prussian military costume and an oil painting of yourself?
Robin: That's the one, and it worked on Shelly.
Barney: I totally nailed her! And then I nailed her sister who was even hotter. [high fives Ted] Oh, good times.

Quote from Lily

Marshall: You are gonna return that ashtray, and you're gonna pray that he doesn't press charges, because I can't be in a marriage where one of us is in prison. I know that we role-play conjugal visits a lot, but I can't do that for realsies.
Lily: I'm sorry. All rulings are final. I am not taking it back.
Marshall: Oh, my God! Lily, what is the big deal? Okay, so what? So he said you're just a kindergarten teacher. Why do you let that bother you?
Lily: Because he was right. I am just a kindergarten teacher. And, yes, I have a degree in art history and I was
meant to do something with it, but I didn't. Somewhere along the line, I forgot to pursue my dream, and... and now I'm old and I'm a mom and it's just too late for me.

Quote from Lily

Marshall: Lily, okay, okay.
Lily: It's too late.
Marshall: No, no, no, it's not too... It's not too late. You're gonna quit your job tomorrow, and you're gonna... You're
gonna go back and pick up right where you left off with that art stuff. And then you know what? I'm gonna find Shelly, and I'm gonna punch her in the face. I am. I'm gonna punch a girl, and run away. Look. I promise you, your best and your most exciting days are all ahead of you.
Lily: I love you so much for saying that, but there gets to be a point in life where that just stops being true. I'm sorry I stole this. I'll return it first thing tomorrow.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Yeah, and I think I know why. It has to do with the last time I saw him. It was... it was, like, a year and a half ago. Oh, boy, that was a crazy story.
Barney: Oh, boy, yeah. I remember.
Ted: You weren't there.
Barney: Ted, bubbeleh. If you have a crazy story, I was there. That's just a law of the universe.

Quote from Barney

[flashback to Ted and Becky in the apartment:]
Becky: [on TV commercial] Boats, boats, boats! Boats!
Ted: What's this a commercial for again? I can't quite...
Barney: Oh, get a room, you two.
[present:]
Ted: You weren't there.
Barney: I was, too.
Ted: All right, you were there? Tell me the story.
Barney: I like the way you tell it.
Ted: Please, I insist.
Barney: Okay, we'll tell it together.
Ted: Okay. Lily...
Barney: Lily...
Ted: had invited us...
Barney: had invited us...
Ted: to an art...
Barney: Garfunkel concert.
Ted: gallery opening.
Barney: An Art Garfunkel gallery opening concert. Go on, Ted. You're doing great.

Quote from Ted

The Captain: Well, well, Ted Mosby, my old nemesis. What are you doing here?
Ted: Um, well... Lily saw an ad for this...
The Captain: Gallery?
Ted: So we... we came to check out the...
The Captain: Artwork.
Ted: And then we ran into...
The Captain: Me.
Ted: [inner monologue] Man, this guy's so rude. I mean, I get why he's mad. I did stick it to his ex-wife... repeatedly. Still, he's being a jerk. Someone needs to bring him down a peg.
The Captain: I'm sorry. Where are my...
Ted: Manners. That's how that feels.

Quote from Ted

[flashback to stoned Ted at the art gallery:]
The Captain: Well, well. Ted Mosby, my old nemesis. What are you doing here?
Ted: Well, Lily... saw an ad for this... [confused silence]
The Captain: Gallery.
Ted: So we thought we'd... come and check out the... [confused silence]
The Captain: Artwork?
Ted: And then we ran into...
The Captain: Me?
Robin: [v.o.] And the Captain wasn't glaring at you. He couldn't take his eyes off...
The Captain: Hey, nice to see you again.
Robin: Yeah, you, too.
Ted: [out loud] Oh. Man, this guy is so rude. I mean, I get why he's upset. I did stick it to his ex-wife... repeatedly. Still, the guy's being a jerk. Someone needs to take him down a peg.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Okay, Robin, look, you-you need to call the Captain and let him down easy, okay? Let him move on with his life. Let him go out on his boat with his old friends, maybe some new friends. Maybe let one of those new friends steer the boat. Just so that one of them could say, "Iceberg straighthead!"

Quote from Lily

Lily: It finally happened. My past finally caught up with me.
Marshall: Oh, God. Lily, if you tell me that you slept with the Captain for anything under 2.8, which we agreed was as low as we were going to go...
Lily: No, it's nothing like that. Do you guys remember the last time we saw the Captain?
All: Yes.
Lily: Oh, right. Of course you don't. Barney, you weren't there. Ted, you had just floated out of a Snoop Dogg B-side. And, Robin, you had just come from that big meeting that ran long.
[flashback to Robin pounding shots]

Quote from Lily

Marshall: Oh, no, Lily, what did you do?
Lily: He was a jerk. He deserved to have that precious painting stolen.
Marshall: Oh, God, Lily, you didn't...?
Lily: Of course I didn't. I stole this ashtray instead.

Quote from Barney

Ted: I can't believe that was the same ashtray. I should've recognized it.
Barney: I know... me, too.
Ted: Barney, you weren't there. Why is it so important that you be part of this story?
Barney: Because crazy stories are my thing. You have architecture, Marshall has the law, Lily has art, Robin has pleasing me sexually. You all have a passion that drives you. Well, if I have a passion, it's taking life and turning it into a series of crazy stories. If you can do that without me, then... I don't even know who I am anymore.


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