Ted: Okay, I want to lay down some ground rules for tonight. Barney, I actually like Victoria. A lot. So don't say anything embarrass... Don't say anything. And guys, I haven't exactly told Victoria that I used to have a kind of thing for Robin, so we you could just avoid the...
Barney: Well, well, well. How rich. You make me promise to be on my best behavior around your girlfriend, yet, you have been lying to her since day one. Excuse me. [takes phone out] Hi. Leg Warehouse? Yeah, my friend Ted needs something to stand on. So, nothing for him to stand on? Okay, and thanks so much.

Barney: [on tape] Shannon! I love you! I love you so much. What about us changing the world together? Don't tell me you've forgotten. I know I haven't. [singing] Will I ever see another rainbow? Will an eagle ever soar through this tempest of woe? Baby, please Don't go There's a thief in the palace, she's stolen all my love There's a thief in the palace and she's...

[flashback to earlier that night:]
Barney: Hi, Shannon.
Shannon: What are you doing here?
Barney: Just listen. When you left me for that guy Greg, it changed me. Now, I'm this. I-I know this is crazy. It's just, you were once such a big part of my life. And it just seemed insane that you didn't know who I am now. So here I am. And then she told me about her life.
[back:]
Barney: She and Greg dated for a while and then split up. But here's the real kicker: Shannon's a mom. She has a little kid named Max. That's crazy. That could have been my kid. But instead, what do I have? My whole life's some money in the bank, some suits in my closet and a string of one-night stands.
Lily: Hey. Come on. I mean, just because her life went one way and yours went another, it doesn't make your life any worse.
Barney: My life rocks! Money, suits and sex. These are tears of joy! I could be cooped up in some tiny apartment changing some brat's poopy diapers. But instead, I'm out in the world being awesome 24-7, 365! You let me dodge a bullet, Big Guy.

Barney: Ted, doesn't Victoria deserve to know that you once had the hots for Robin? I have half a mind to tell the story of the re-return.
Ted: No. I-I swore you to secrecy on that.
Lily: Ooh, I am smelling dirt. What is the story of the re-return?
Ted: Nothing. It's nothing. And speaking of digging up dirt, can I count on you two to behave around Victoria?
Lily: Us? What would we do?
Ted: Look, um, you guys have always been like the parents that I still have and, in fact, moved here to get away from. However, could we skip the traditional interrogation of the new girlfriend tonight?

Marshall: Did you try his cell phone?
Ted: Yeah, I left two messages. I checked the cigar club, the Lusty Leopard. He's off the grid.

Lily: Marshall's mom sent us cookies...
Marshall: Lily, no!
Lily: For the team, Marshall, for the team.
[flashback:]
Lily: [on the phone] Hey, Mrs. Eriksen, it's Lily. Thank you so much for the delicious cookies. Mayonnaise. Really? Never would have guessed. Well, I will definitely give Marshall a kiss for you. Okay. Take care. [puts phone down]
Marshall: Oh, crap. My mom sent cookies?
Lily: Yeah. I wish we had a dog, so they wouldn't go to waste.
Marshall: So we've got the whole place to ourselves.
Lily: I'm thinking floor sex.
Marshall: Sounds reasonable.
Lily: Ooh, floor's cold. Grab that afghan your mom made.
[screen splits to show Judy still on the phone line; flashback ends]
Robin: The whole time?
Lily: The... whole... time.

[flashback:]
Barney: Shannon! Shannon, you came back!
Shannon: I'm just picking up my last paycheck.
Barney: Oh. Did you... did you get my tape?
Business man: Oh, she got the tape.
Barney: You? It was you?
Business man: Oh, man.
[A crying Barney runs out of the coffee shop. Out on the street, a man hands him a flyer which reads "Suit Up!" Barney cuts his ponytail, shaves his goatee and suits up]

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, something you might not know about your Uncle Marshall is that he's always been good at games. I mean, unbeatable.
[cut]
Marshall: Gin!
[cut]
Marshall: Yahtzee!
[cut]
Marshall: Poker!
Ted: You don't have to shout out "poker" when you win.
Marshall: I know. It's just fun to say.
Future Ted: We all finally agreed Marshall should be running our game nights instead of playing in them. Which he took to mean, "invent your own game."

Marshall: It's called "Marsh-gammon." It combines all the best features of all the best games... Candy Land, I Never, Pictionary...
Robin: Backgammon, obviously.
Marshall: No. Backgammon sucks. I took the only good part of backgammon, the "gammon," and I left the rest of it in the trash where it belongs.

Robin: Hey.
Lily: Hey. So, are you going to be okay hanging out with Victoria tonight?
Robin: Oh, sure. She's great. Oh, what? Because of the whole thing where I said I liked Ted? No. Victoria's great. She's fun, she's free-spirited, she's great. I said, "She's great" too many times, didn't I?
Lily: You must really hate the bitch.