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‘The Magician's Code - Part Two’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

How I Met Your Mother: The Magician's Code - Part Two

724. The Magician's Code - Part Two

Aired May 14, 2012

When the bride at Barney's future wedding asks to see Ted, he looks back to the day he chased after the one that got away.

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] Meanwhile, Barney and Quinn were off to Hawaii for their first getaway as a couple.
TSA Agent: Ma'am, I need you to open your suitcase.
Barney: It's mine. Did you have to replace my luggage, too?
Quinn: Run away on me again, you'll be wearing hot pink stilettos.
TSA Agent: What's that?
Quinn: Yeah, what is that?
Barney: It's a magic trick. You see, I'm something of a magician.
TSA Agent: Open the box, sir.
Barney: [laughs] Oh, I can't do that. [dog barks]
TSA Agent #2: Sir, are there drugs in that box?
Barney: Oh, no. He's probably just barking because of the explosives.
[The TSA agents pull their guns on Barney]
Quinn: Oh, my God!
TSA Agent: Tell us what's in the box right now!
Barney: I can't. Magician's Code.

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Quote from Robin

Ted: Wow. Seeing them in there all together like that, they're a family, you know? That's what I want.
Robin: Oh, Ted, I'm glad we're friends again.
Ted: Me, too.
Robin: Because as your friend, I have to tell you: You're full of crap! You say you want a family, you say you want to meet "The One," but you are always chasing the wrong women.
Ted: That is not true.
Robin: Look at the women you date, starting with me: I told you right away I didn't want marriage or kids. Stella had a child with another man who she still loved. Zoey was married and trying to sabotage your career and wore a lot of stupid hats. I mean, if you really wanted a family, you would stop pursuing women you know there is no future with.
Ted: Okay, first of all, hats were in that year, kind of. Secondly, I don't always choose women there's no future with. Kind of.
Robin: Name one exception.
Ted: Victoria. Victoria was great.
Robin: Exactly, and you threw it all away to chase after some hot piece of ass. [scoffs]
Ted: You mean you?
Robin: Thank you! Victoria is the only woman you've dated who could've been "The One." You should call her.
Ted: Tiny thing, last time I saw her, she was getting engaged.
Robin: That was eight months ago. For all you know, she's single again.
Ted: What if she's married?
Robin: What if she's not? Then you would actually have a chance to get what you say you want, and it terrifies you. Why? Because if I stole a scalpel and cut you open, all I would find inside is a scared, trembling pile of crap.
Ted: See, I've missed these talks.
Robin: Me too.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Mr. Flanagan wasn't banging my mom.
Mr. Drury: Well. Your flight left. We need to hold Mr. Stinson for further questioning. But you're free to go.
Quinn: Maybe I should.
Barney: Wait! I'll show you the trick. Sir! May I please have the silk handkerchief in your top left breast pocket?
TSA Agent: Well... I don't have... [chuckles]
Barney: Sim salabi ma... Sim salabi ma... [Barney pulls out a sword] Relax, relax, it's part of the trick.
TSA Agent: How did you get that through the X-Ray machine?
Barney: No questions from the audience, please! [gibberish]
TSA Agent: What is that?
Barney: Madam, may I please have the key on your necklace?
Quinn: [giggles] Oh!
Mr. Drury: Is that gonna explode?
Barney: [covers ears] What? [explosion] [loudly] Will you marry me?
Quinn: Yes.

Quote from Ted

[a little ways down the road:]
Ted: The road to this day has had a few twists and turns, hasn't it?
Marshall: Yeah. Just a few. In a weird way, it all makes sense, though, doesn't it?
Ted: Yeah. Yeah, it kind of does.
[Ted knocks on a door and walks in]
Ted: The bride wants to see me?
[Robin turns around]

Quote from Marshall

Ted: [on the phone] Why did you make me call Victoria? She's here in a wedding dress. I'm the verge of ruining a wedding! And Mrs. Madsen's friend thinks I'm gay, but let's put a pin in that till later.
Robin: [to Lily and Marshall] Oh, my God. Victoria's at the bar with Ted.
Lily: That's a seven.
Robin: And she's in a wedding dress.
Marshall: That's a ten. We got a ten!

Quote from Ted

Victoria: Well, I'm sort of supposed to get married today.
Ted: All your friends and family are waiting for you in some church right now?
Victoria: Well, not all. We had five last-minute no-shows. Well, six.
Mrs. Matsen: Mazel tov, Ted. I was starting to think this would never happen.
Ted: Oh, no, Mrs. Matsen.
Mrs. Matsen: I told you he wasn't gay.
Ted: Wait, what?

Quote from Future Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] Which brings us to the story of a wedding day that went horribly wrong.
Lily: Ted, the bride wants to see you.
Future Ted: Uncle Barney was getting married. How the hell did we get there?

Quote from Robin

Ted: I love the name Marvin. Marv. Sounds like a little middle-aged man.
Barney: Golf next weekend, Marv?
Ted: How's that tax report coming, Marv?
Robin: At your age, erectile dysfunction is nothing to be ashamed of, Marv.

Quote from Future Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] It was a beautiful moment. But then a thought popped into my head, kids. The same thought that will pop into your heads the first time you see your best friend holding their baby.
[flashback to Ted and Marshall's college dorm in 1996. Marshall is holding a staple gun while Ted "eats a sandwich":]
Marshall: Wonder how much this would hurt. [screams]
Future Ted: That guy's a dad.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Whoa. What's wrong?
Barney: I ruined things with Quinn. I insisted she stop stripping, we got in a huge fight about it, then I ran off to Atlantic City for two days without calling. What the hell am I coming home to?
[fantasy scene:]
Quinn: Let's have an eight-way with my six hottest stripper friends.
[reality:]
Robin: Um, how is that a punishment?
Barney: Wait for it.
[fantasy:]
Quinn: But I forbid you from filming it with your overhead camera that zooms in on whoever's being the loudest.
Barney: Nooooo!

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