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41Quotes from ‘Mom and Dad’

How I Met Your Mother: Mom and Dad

910. Mom and Dad

Aired November 18, 2013

When Barney's father, Jerry, arrives at the hotel, Barney puts a scheme in motion to get his parents back together. Meanwhile, Ted thinks somebody is sabotaging his work as best man.

Quote from Barney

Barney: What do we do?
James: You back down and let me get my mom and dad back together?
Barney: Um, how about you back down and let me get my mom and dad back together? I can already picture it.
[black-and-white musical fantasy scene:]
Loretta: [all singing] We're reunited and we're going so strong
Jerry: My wife died parasailing and I've moved on
Both: And now our Barney-boy will always be near
Barney: I'll come to live with you and it won't be weird
Loretta: Of course not, Wuv-Wuv!
All: Back together and forever we'll be
Loretta: Mom
Jerry: And Dad
Barney: And Barney makes three
Jerry: We love you, champ!
Robin: And I'll live here, too, since we're married and I'm totally cool with it!

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Quote from James

James: That's completely insane. This is how it's gonna be.
[black-and-white musical fantasy scene:]
Loretta: [all singing] We're reunited and I'm feeling so glad
Sam: I'm so much sexier than Barney's dad [plays saxophone]
James: Back together, now our life's right on track
Barney: But she's banging my dad behind your dad's back
Jerry: When you're at work, I'm all over her rack
James: That's not true
Barney: Yes, it is
James: That's not funny
Barney: Mom, break the news
Loretta: Okay, we're screwin' like bunnies
Sam: I'll kick your ass
Jerry: I'd like to see you try
James: Well, my dad would win in a fight
Barney: No, my dad would win in a fight
James: No
Barney: Yeah

Quote from Barney

Jerry: [to police officers] She's been missing all day, and I found what appears to be a-a suicide note on my bed. But it doesn't really sound like her. "I'm going to kill my - wait for it - self."

Quote from Loretta

Barney: Oh, great. You guys escaped. Got rescued!
James: Are you okay?
Jerry: A bit shaken up.
James: Being trapped in an elevator is scary.
Jerry: No, Barney lowered in a TV showing some pretty graphic 1970s pornography.
Loretta: Still, a lot of familiar faces in there. Well, not just faces.

Quote from James

Barney: James, unless you have a minister, I don't want to hear it.
James: You mean, like this one?
Future Ted: [v.o.] A few years back, Barney's brother James finally met his long-lost father, Sam, who turned out to be a reverend.
Sam: I know pronounce your asses saved.

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] Reverend Gibbs wouldn't be the only VIP arrival that day.
Barney: Dad!
Jerry: Barney. Oh, I can't believe you're getting married. You've grown up so fast. Then again, I did miss about 30 years of your life. Did I mention we got you two things from your registry?

Quote from Marshall

Marshall & Daphne: [singing] Well, I would walk 500 miles And I would walk 500 more Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles Then falls down at your door.
Daphne: Ha! You're right. That crap grows on you.
Marshall: Again?
Daphne: Proclaim it!

Quote from Barney

Barney: Hey. So there I am, lying in the wet, filthy sand under the patio, just minding my own business, when my dad bumps into my mom, and he says - get this - he says to her, "Weather's improving, huh?" It's like, why don't you just do it already? Huh?
Robin: Barney, I know you've always dreamed of a reunited family, but Jerry's married.
Barney: So what? Marriage is just a meaningless piece of paper.
Robin: I'm a lucky gal.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Sweetie, this just isn't gonna happen. Now, please promise me you haven't already put some crazy scheme in motion.
Barney: [pause] I haven't put some crazy scheme in motion.
Robin: Why did you pause?
Barney: [pause] I didn't pause.
Robin: Why did you pause?!

Quote from Barney

[Jerry walks up to the stairs, where there's a sign which reads "The stairs are wet. No, broken. Yeah, the stairs are broken." Jerry then walks to the elevator, which Loretta is already in.]
Jerry: Oh, hey there.
Loretta: Hi. Barney texted me to meet him ASAP, but the stairs are wet.
Jerry: No, broken.
Loretta: Yeah, the stairs are broken.
Jerry: Yeah. I got the same text.
[The elevator comes so a sudden halt and the lights goes out]

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Who is ready to rock it Scottish-identical-twin-brothers style? [sings along] When I wake up Yeah, I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who ends up next to you... [talking] Oh, man, I hope they're not singing to the same girl. Or to each other.
Daphne: Shut up! Music sucks! Scotland sucks! You suck! Just drive, pumpkin head.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Hey, guys, don't worry. Help's on the way.
Jerry: Oh! Thank you, Barney.
Loretta: Thank you, honey.
Barney: In the meantime, I'll try to keep you two as comfortable as possible.
[Barney lowers down a tray featuring two candles, a bottle of wine with two lasses, an iPod, and one bowl of soup]
Jerry: Well, we don't need wine.
[Barney reels the tray back up and drops it down again]
Jerry: We don't need champagne, either. We need help! This could be very unsafe!
[Barney throws a ream of condoms down]
Loretta: Oh. I'll say something.
Jerry: No. You've had a whole lifetime of this. Let me. Barney, are you thinking you can get your mother and me back together? Because I'm married. My wife is right upstairs!
Barney: No, she's not.
Jerry: What's that?
Barney: Nothing! I'm just trying to keep you refreshed through this unexpected and flukish elevator malfunction! Here's some water! [Jerry and Loretta are soaked] Ah... drat. Clumsy hands much, Barney? Just disrobe and send up those wet clothes. You'll be cold, so I'll send down strawberry warming gel and some cozy, zippered masks.

Quote from Barney

Sam: Look, is there any way you guyscan be all right with this?
James: Of course I am!
Sam: Barney?
Barney: Look, I know I've been acting crazy today, but I just have one real question, Mom, and I want an honest answer. Is there a scenario - and hear me out - where you might consider doing kind of a three-way deal with both of our dads?
Sam: God! What is wrong with you?!
James: Oh, dude, come on!
Barney: [sobbing] That's what I thought!

Quote from Barney

Barney: You said it was nuts to think that my mom and dad would get back together. But that's what happened for James. I've been dreaming of that since I was five. Well, that and my own operational Death Star. But mostly them getting back together. Why does James get it and I don't?
Robin: Well, think about it. You have me, your dad has Cheryl...
[meanwhile:]
Jerry: [two police officers] "So to summarize: I'm super dead, you should totally bone Loretta, and I never loved you. Cheryl." which is misspelled.
[back:]
Robin: ...but James is going through a divorce. He just lost his family. I-I know you've been dreaming of this, but maybe he needs "Mom and Dad" more than you.


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