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37Quotes from ‘Last Time in New York’

How I Met Your Mother: Last Time in New York

903. Last Time in New York

Aired September 30, 2013

Lily discovers a list of all the things Ted wants to do one last time before he leaves New York. Meanwhile, Barney and Robin try to find a naughty place to have sex at the inn, while avoiding their elderly relatives.

Quote from Marshall

[flashback to April 26 at 12:44 pm:]
Ted: Oh. Hey.
Marshall: Hey, bud. I was about to take Lily's rehearsal dinner dress to the dry cleaner.
Ted: Oh, that's too bad. Because, uh, I was just watching The Princess Bride, when something occurred to me.
Marshall: How, at the end, Andre the Giant hooks them up with those horses and then Inigo Montoya is like, "Fezzik, you did something right." And it's like, bro, Andre's been doing stuff right the whole movie. Knocking out serpents, busting down castle doors. Basically carrying your revenge-and-sangria-soaked ass. So instead of being a patronizing jerk, how about a simple: "Hey, thanks for the horses, bro"? That's totally what you were thinking, right?
Ted: No, l... No, I came over here... God, that's a really good point.

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Quote from Robin

Robin: There's gotta be someplace to bang here.
Barney: I'm starving. I knew we should've hit the buffet...
Robin: [slaps Barney] Don't say "buffet." That attracts old people. Same goes for "coupon," "60 Minutes," and "Mandy Patinkin."
Barney: What? Robin, you're being paranoid. Old people don't magically sense it when you say "Mandy Patinkin." [echoing] Patinkin.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Hey, Ted?
Ted: Yeah?
Lily: You wrote down all these things to say goodbye to, but so many of them are good things. Why not just say goodbye to the bad things? Say goodbye to all the times you felt lost. To all the times it was a "no" instead of a "yes." To all the scrapes and bruises. To all the heartache. Say goodbye to everything you really want to do for the last time. But don't go have one last Scotch with Barney. Have the first Scotch toasting Barney's new life. Because that's a good thing... And the good things will always be here waiting for you. What?
Ted: Turn the page.
Lily: "Get one last life lecture from Lily." Well, you're dreaming if you think that's the last one of those.

Quote from Barney

Robin: So the hairdresser shows up at 2 on Sunday.
Barney: Great. And while you do that, I'll check in on the ring bear.
Robin: I'm sorry, you're saying "ring bearer," right?
Barney: Ring bear.
Robin: Okay, look into my eyes and say: "I promise that I'm not bringing a dangerous wild animal to our wedding."
Barney: [laughs]

Quote from Marshall

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, as you recall, Uncle Marshall had gotten kicked off his flight home from Minnesota and was hightailing it across the country with another stranded traveler named Daphne.
Lily: [on the phone] How's it going, baby?
Marshall: Fine. Except the flames of Lucifer keep singeing our back bumper as we drive through this hellish, cheese-infested wasteland.
Lily: Wisconsin?
Marshall: Wisconsin. Packers Country. But don't worry, the Eriksen men are repping the purple and gold like two bosses. Go Vikings!
Lily: And how are you doing, Daphne?
Daphne: Not bad considering Marshall's been spouting Vikings trivia for the last hour. Do you know I Don't Care led the league last year in dumb sports stuff?

Quote from Lily

Marshall: [on the phone] I should be back in time for the rehearsal dinner tomorrow.
Lily: Oh, the rehearsal dinner. Daphne, you should've seen the dress I was gonna wear. Up top, it packed the gals together like opening night of a Sex and the City movie. And down south, it made mama look like a dream Sir Mix-A-Lot would never wanna wake up from.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Ooh, is that your toast?
Ted: Uh, yeah.
Lily: Yeah, I'm just gonna wing mine. Because if you get up there and speak from the heart... things good... ...mouth words... ...memory times.

Quote from Ted

Lily: You have been avoiding Barney and Robin since the carousel. And now on Monday, you're running away to Chicago.
Ted: I'm not running away. I'm moving on.
Lily: This list isn't written by someone who's ready to move on. It's written by someone who loves New York. I mean, "Fix graffiti on 96th and Amsterdam"?
Ted: I hated looking at it.
[fantasy: Ted goes to a wall which has "Your a penis" graffitied on it. He corrects it to "You're a penis".]

Quote from Ted

Lily: "Finally tell my upstairs neighbor how I've been feeling all this time."
Ted: Yeah.
[fantasy:]
Ted: Hi. Um, I live downstairs, and I've always wanted to say this to you... but I've never had the guts. And so here goes. [loudly] Are your shoes made of lead? Because you are the loudest upstairs neighbor in history. Oh, and you suck at the bongos, but, hey, heh, keep practicing. In the middle of the night before any important interview I've ever had.

Quote from Ted

Lily: "Come clean about April 26th." What happened April 26th?
Ted: Uh, ha, ha... Can you believe people used to swim in those? "Meet me at Coney Island, see. I'll be doing the Charleston atop my giant-wheeled bicycle in an era where folks inexplicably talked like this." Ha, ha.

Quote from Lily

Ted: Look, I'm really sorry.
Lily: No, it's not good enough. Since I'm being forced to wear something I don't want to, you should have to wear something you don't want to.
[later, Ted walks into the bar wearing the old-timey swim costume:]
Ted: Why am I the only one being punished? Marshall's just as responsible as I am.
Lily: Yeah, but he's in the middle of Wisconsin. How am I gonna punish...?
[elsewhere, Daphne takes a photograph of Marshall decked out in Green Bay Packers merchandise and wearing a large block of cheese on his head.]
Daphne: Say, "Cheese."
Man: Go, Pack, go.
Marshall: [to the heavens] I'm sorry, Dad.

Quote from James

Barney: You avoiding the family too?
James: I'm gay, I'm black and I'm getting a divorce. Those walking skeletons are gonna have more questions for me than their pharmacists. Ha, ha. But they're family and I love them.
Robin: The greatest generation.
Barney: Smother me before I'm that age.

Quote from Barney

Robin: You check the second floor for open rooms. I'm gonna check the gym.
Barney: No, no, no, that gym has a sauna. You know my Papa Sid can't go 10 minutes without a schvitz. What about the gazebo out back?
Robin: Next to the lawn-bowling court? Get you head out of your ass. It looks like they're casting Cocoon 3 out there. What about the business center?
Barney: A room full of computers? Perfect. Technology is their compression-sock-covered Achilles' heel.

Quote from Lily

Robin: "Have a drink with my favorite students." Lily, you taught kindergarten.
Ted: That does seem pretty irrespons... [Lily slaps Ted]
Robin: "Come clean about April 26th." You told Ted about our sword fight?
Ted: Wait, you guys had a sword fight?
Lily: Maybe a tiny one. I was pretending to be Mandy Patinkin. [echoing] Patinkin. But it was no big deal.
Robin: No big deal? We destroyed their 30-year Glen McKenna and replaced it with cheap booze, ketchup, and hand sani.
Ted: I knew it.
Lily: You knew nothing!

Quote from Barney

Robin: I can't believe my great-grandparents still do that.
Barney: I never imagined a walker being used for anything other than walking. Plus, how about those balls dragging all over the ground?
Robin: Barney.
Barney: No, the tennis balls on the bottom of the walker. Plus, his testicles were swinging like a broken yo-yo.

Quote from Robin

Robin: Still, when you think about it, married for 60 years and they still wanna jump each other's bones. I mean, it's kind of sweet.
Barney: In 60 years, that'll be us, right?
Robin: Yeah. It will. So, what do you think? Hmm? On the count of three?
Barney: Mm. Okay.
Robin: Okay.
Both: One, two, three. Mandy Patinkin.


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