Robin and Patrice
All the times Robin got angry at her colleague Patrice. "Sisters fight, Ted!"
[title card: "The Damsel in Distress":]
Barney: Hey, Robin, I just got your text. What's the big emergency?
Patrice: Hi, Barney! You seem like you run fast. Do you want me to fan you with my US magazine?
Robin: He's fine.
Barney: Thanks, Patrice.
Robin: Oh, thank goodness you're here. I just got this new printer, and I need somebody big and strong to take it to my office for me. I promise to repay you.
Patrice: We'll do it for you, Robin!
Robin: Don't you have a late-breaking weather story to cover, Brandi?
Brandi: Oh, I did it already. It rained.
Barney: Oh, I got to jump on a big Brobibs conference call. The lawyer from Dude Aprons is really busting my balls. See ya.
Robin: Nobody asked for your help, Patrice! You either, Brandi!
Robin: She can't see that Barney is using her, and it breaks my heart. You know, I love Patrice. We're like sisters.
Ted: You've never gotten through even one exchange without screaming at her.
Robin: Sisters fight, Ted! But the bond is always there.
Robin: I appreciate what you're doing. But I'm not chasing after Barney anymore. I just got done being crazy about all that. I mean, why would I want to throw myself back in that pit?
Ted: Because you're in love with him.
Robin: No, I'm not. I'm happy for him.
Ted: So, it doesn't bother you that Barney Stinson's gonna propose to another woman on top of the World Wide News building?
Robin: Wait, why the top of the World Wide News building?
Ted: I guess it's Patrice's favorite spot in the city.
Robin: Damn it, Patrice, that's my favorite spot in the city!
Ted: Whoa. [phone chimes] Ranjit says, "Whoa."
Patrice: You've never looked more beautiful, Robin.
Robin: [quietly] Nobody asked you, Patrice.
Robin: God, I feel awful. Barney is going through something big, and I've been obsessing about one stupid final hookup to get him out of my system. He needs space and time to figure things out. And I have to give it to him.
[later, Barney opens his front door:]
Barney: Robin? What are you doing here?
Robin: It's okay if you don't know what you want in life.. As long as you know what you want tonight.
[Robin takes off her coat to reveal a skimpy outfit]
Barney: Well... I do know what I want.
Patrice: Hi, Robin!
Robin: Nobody asked you here, Patrice!
Ted: And where's the worst abuser of my generosity, Barney? Or should I say, "Borrow-ney"?
Marshall: You should never say that. And I think he's out with Patrice.
Robin: Ugh, Patrice? That's still happening?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, you remember Patrice. She worked with your Aunt Robin.
Patrice: Robin! You left your purse at the vending machine, and some guy tried to steal it! I fought him off, but I think I dislocated my shoulder.
Robin: You scratched the leather! Oh! Can't you do anything right, Patrice?!
Robin: So, let me ask you a few questions, Clarice... Patrice.
[fantasy of Robin talking to Patrice down a pit:]
Robin: How would you rate your performance in the last six months?
Patrice: Well, I don't like to talk about myself, but all my coworkers deserve an A-double-plus, that's for suresies. Ooh, fancy lotion.
Robin: It puts the lotion in the basket.
Patrice: It's just, this is really nice lotion. And what a pretty basket, Robin.
Robin: I know, that's why I bought it, Patrice!
Future Ted: [v.o.] And Robin was staying with her coworker, Patrice.
Patrice: You seem so down today, Robin. I made you cookies.
Robin: Damn it, Patrice, stop smothering me!
Robin: Barney is not who you think he is.
Patrice: What do you mean?
Robin: Well, he has a book of plays he uses to trick women into sleeping with him.
Patrice: Oh, no way, Barney's my honey bear.
Robin: Actually, one of his plays is called The Honey Bear. He dresses up like Winnie the Pooh, and the next thing you know, his hand's stuck in your pot.
Patrice: Robin, you're a doll for worrying about me, but that doesn't sound at all like my Barney.
Robin: Why won't you let me help you, Patrice?!
Barney: I knew you'd cave. Which is why I came up with a little extra incentive to break up with Nick. End it by 8:00 p.m. Tonight or this invite goes live.
Robin: "Robin and Patrice's BFF Fun Day"?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, Patrice was a coworker of Robin's, who'd become sort of obsessed with her. Robin had managed until now to keep Patrice at arm's length. But if Patrice were invited to something called "Robin and Patrice's BFF Fun Day', she'd latch onto Robin and never let go.
Robin: Why would you do that? Delete that right now!
Barney: No! If I don't give you a little push, you'll let this drag on until Nick can have sex again and then you'll be right back to procrastinating on all fours.
Robin: I hate to admit it, but the man in the suit has a point.
Robin: Uh, our flight leaves at 9:00 p.m., not a.m. God... Patrice!
Patrice: But, Robin, the schedule says 9:00 a.m. and my ticket says 9:00 a.m. and all the e-mail reminders said 9:00 a.m. and our boss in the car downstairs said...
Robin: Okay, Patrice, I get it!
Robin: I can't believe I'm talking to a therapist. Well, usually, I'm not the touchy-feely, talk-about-your-emotions type, but with this, I just had to be a big enough person to admit that I need help. Huh. I guess this is what growing up feels like.
Kevin: This is court-mandated therapy. You assaulted a woman.
Robin: Oh ,that silly thing. I guess we can talk about that. It all began a few months ago. There's this guy, Barney. We used to date. I set him up with this girl I work with, Nora. Barney was working hard to prove he was
real boyfriend material. So, all week, I had to sit there watching him, send flowers, chocolates, balloons. Then one day...
[flashback to Robin at work:]
Robin: Hey, I heard Barney didn't send anything today. Patrice said maybe he met somebody else. She's such
a bitch, right?
Barney: [singing] When a man loves a woman Can't keep his mind on nothin' else
Patrice: He's so dreamy.
Robin: Nobody asked you, Patrice!