Barney: OK, I've got it. Here, put on this eye patch.
Ted: Why?
Barney: The ultimate ice breaker. [puts on an eye patch] A bunch of cobras got loose in Central Park. You and I are jogging, training for the Death Valley Iron Man. No big deal, we do it every year. Suddenly we see these snake bastards sneaking towards a little baby. Not on our watch. You grab the kid, I strangle six cobras with my bare hands. Women of New York, one at a time please.
Ted: So, what are the eye patches for?
Barney: We got bit.
Ted: On the eye?
Barney: Yes.
Ted: Both of us.
Barney: They're different eyes. I don't see why this bugs you. Patch up!

Robin: Why is this kid around anyway? Shouldn't he be with his mom? What kind of lawyer does this guy have if he has to take care of the kid all the time?
Lily: A good one. He won full custody.
Robin: He won? He won. Oh God, getting the kid is winning, isn't it? [Lily nods] Don't tell anyone I said that.

[Doug eats his cereal as Robin reads the newspaper at the dining table]
Doug: What are you reading?
Robin: The business section. The Fed's gonna lower rates again to bail out these subprime lenders, bunch of idiots.
Doug: Miss Aldrin says it's not nice to call people names.
Robin: Well, maybe if they weren't such idiots, I wouldn't have to call them that.
Doug: That's what I said. You're pretty cool.
Robin: You too.

Marshall: I am not irrelevant. I ran the numbers. If Lily and I have sex twice a week, which, let's be honest, we all know is being conservative. And we've been together for ten years, plus seventeen more times on the honeymoon, minus the two week drought when I said the checker at the grocery store reminded me of a young Lily. Then we have had sex a total of... wait for it...
Barney: Nice.
Marshall: 1,053 and a half times. My mom called once. But that's more times than Barney has ever had sex and to your point, Ted, Lily is a quality girl. I win. Lawyered.
Barney: Doesn't count.
Marshall: Totally counts.
Ted: You're right, it counts. It counts as one. You've had sex once. How was it?
Marshall: I still matter.

Lily: So, Robin, I've got a guy for you. He's cute, he's funny, he's smart.
Ted: What's his 'but'?
Lily: What do you mean?
Ted: When someone wants to set you up they always tell you the good qualities first but then they leave out their huge flaw.
[flashback to Barney talking to Ted in MacLaren's:]
Barney: She's totally hot and really fun. [inner monologue] But she has a dead tooth.
[flashback to Marshall telling Ted about a woman at MacLaren's:]
Marshall: She's superhot and she's so successful. [inner monologue] But she has a pug that she pushes around in a stroller.
[flashback to Lily telling Ted about a woman at MacLaren's:]
Lily: She's so cute and she's so smart. [inner monologue] But her last boyfriend had to get a restraining order against her and then his cat and new vacuum cleaner both went missing.
Ted: Wow, set it up.
[present:]
Ted: I'm still convinced she killed my turtle.

Robin: Hey, you know what, not every setup has a 'but'. What about, um, Jamie, that girl that Lily set you up with? She was really nice.
Barney: If memory serves me, she had a huge 'but'. Her huge butt. Nailed it!

Ted: Robin's not going out with a guy with a kid.
Lily: But the guy is really great. And his kid's sweet, he's in my class.
Ted: Doesn't matter. Robin hates kids.
Robin: I don't hate kids.
Ted: You told me even when you were a kid, you hated kids.
[flashback to a young Robin with her little sister:]
Little Girl: Robin, will you watch cartoons with me?
Young Robin: I go to school all week. Can't I just have five minutes to myself to read Highlights and drink my juice?
[present:]
Robin: Okay, yes, kids are not my favorite thing in the world but I like them.
Ted: Well, you don't wanna have them.
Robin: I like sports cars but it doesn't mean I wanna push a Ferrari through my vagina.
Barney: Shotgun.

Marshall: You can't blame us for thinking that the kid would be a problem. I mean, if we were friends with Garfield, we wouldn't set him up on a date with Mondays.

Robin: Yeah. Hey, what's my 'but'? You know, I'm really nice, but...
Ted: [inner monologue] But she's afraid of commitment.
Lily: [inner monologue] But she's a gun nut.
Barney: [inner monologue] But she's Canadian.
Marshall: [inner monologue] But she didn't like Field of Dreams.
Barney: I can't think of anything.
Ted: You don't have a 'but'.

Robin: Can't wait to meet him? Why did I say that? I don't wanna meet his kid.
Lily: Well, you knew you'd meet him sooner or later.
Robin: I was just hoping for later, like in 20 years when I'm a cougar and he's as hot as his dad.