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40Quotes from ‘Little Boys’

How I Met Your Mother: Little Boys

304. Little Boys

Aired October 15, 2007

Barney and Ted compete for the affection of the same woman, while Robin must pretend to like kids when she meets a new guy.

Quote from Barney

Barney: OK, I've got it. Here, put on this eye patch.
Ted: Why?
Barney: The ultimate ice breaker. [puts on an eye patch] A bunch of cobras got loose in Central Park. You and I are jogging, training for the Death Valley Iron Man. No big deal, we do it every year. Suddenly we see these snake bastards sneaking towards a little baby. Not on our watch. You grab the kid, I strangle six cobras with my bare hands. Women of New York, one at a time please.
Ted: So, what are the eye patches for?
Barney: We got bit.
Ted: On the eye?
Barney: Yes.
Ted: Both of us.
Barney: They're different eyes. I don't see why this bugs you. Patch up!

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Quote from Robin

Robin: Why is this kid around anyway? Shouldn't he be with his mom? What kind of lawyer does this guy have if he has to take care of the kid all the time?
Lily: A good one. He won full custody.
Robin: He won? He won. Oh God, getting the kid is winning, isn't it? [Lily nods] Don't tell anyone I said that.

Quote from Robin

[Doug eats his cereal as Robin reads the newspaper at the dining table]
Doug: What are you reading?
Robin: The business section. The Fed's gonna lower rates again to bail out these subprime lenders, bunch of idiots.
Doug: Miss Aldrin says it's not nice to call people names.
Robin: Well, maybe if they weren't such idiots, I wouldn't have to call them that.
Doug: That's what I said. You're pretty cool.
Robin: You too.

Quote from Ted

Lily: So, Robin, I've got a guy for you. He's cute, he's funny, he's smart.
Ted: What's his 'but'?
Lily: What do you mean?
Ted: When someone wants to set you up they always tell you the good qualities first but then they leave out their huge flaw.
[flashback to Barney talking to Ted in MacLaren's:]
Barney: She's totally hot and really fun. [inner monologue] But she has a dead tooth.
[flashback to Marshall telling Ted about a woman at MacLaren's:]
Marshall: She's superhot and she's so successful. [inner monologue] But she has a pug that she pushes around in a stroller.
[flashback to Lily telling Ted about a woman at MacLaren's:]
Lily: She's so cute and she's so smart. [inner monologue] But her last boyfriend had to get a restraining order against her and then his cat and new vacuum cleaner both went missing.
Ted: Wow, set it up.
[present:]
Ted: I'm still convinced she killed my turtle.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Hey, you know what, not every setup has a 'but'. What about, um, Jamie, that girl that Lily set you up with? She was really nice.
Barney: If memory serves me, she had a huge 'but'. Her huge butt. Nailed it!

Quote from Robin

Ted: Robin's not going out with a guy with a kid.
Lily: But the guy is really great. And his kid's sweet, he's in my class.
Ted: Doesn't matter. Robin hates kids.
Robin: I don't hate kids.
Ted: You told me even when you were a kid, you hated kids.
[flashback to a young Robin with her little sister:]
Little Girl: Robin, will you watch cartoons with me?
Young Robin: I go to school all week. Can't I just have five minutes to myself to read Highlights and drink my juice?
[present:]
Robin: Okay, yes, kids are not my favorite thing in the world but I like them.
Ted: Well, you don't wanna have them.
Robin: I like sports cars but it doesn't mean I wanna push a Ferrari through my vagina.
Barney: Shotgun.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: You can't blame us for thinking that the kid would be a problem. I mean, if we were friends with Garfield, we wouldn't set him up on a date with Mondays.

Quote from Robin

Robin: Yeah. Hey, what's my 'but'? You know, I'm really nice, but...
Ted: [inner monologue] But she's afraid of commitment.
Lily: [inner monologue] But she's a gun nut.
Barney: [inner monologue] But she's Canadian.
Marshall: [inner monologue] But she didn't like Field of Dreams.
Barney: I can't think of anything.
Ted: You don't have a 'but'.

Quote from Robin

Robin: Can't wait to meet him? Why did I say that? I don't wanna meet his kid.
Lily: Well, you knew you'd meet him sooner or later.
Robin: I was just hoping for later, like in 20 years when I'm a cougar and he's as hot as his dad.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Robin, what's the big deal? He's just a kid. He's not gonna bite. He may bite. We're working on biting.

Quote from Marshall

Barney: Which one of us has more game?
Marshall: Neither of you guys has any game, right, or else you'd be married like me.
Barney: What?
Marshall: If dating is the game, then marriage is winning the game.
Ted: Yeah, if you're playing in the women's league.
Marshall: You're joking. I have mad game, brah.
Barney: OK. One, we agreed not to ever say 'brah' anymore. It was a good week, we had a lot of fun, but it's over. Two, you've been with Lily for eleven years. Your idea of good game is slapping on a Dr. Seuss hat and flashing two tickets to a Spin Doctors concert.

Quote from Robin

Lily: [answers phone] Hey, what's up?
Robin: It's here, Lily. It's looking at me. The kid, what do I do?
Lily: Just talk to him. You can do this, Robin.
Doug: Who are you?
Robin: I'm Robin.
Doug: That's a bird's name.
Robin: No, it's not. It's actually a type of bird.
Doug: My friend, Patrick, has a parakeet named Robin, so there. You wanna talk in Morse code?
Robin: Dude, I'm just reading my paper.

Quote from Robin

Doug: Beep, beep beep beep, beep beep, beeeep. I'm starving. Can you make me cereal?
Robin: Sure.
[Robin pours cereal into the bowl]
Doug: What are you doing? You're supposed to pour milk first?
Robin: What? No, you pour the cereal first so you know how much milk you need.
Doug: It tastes better milk first.
Robin: It all tastes the same once it's in the bowl.
Doug: Why are you wearing my dad's pants?
Robin: Milk first it is.
[Robin dumps the cereal into the bin]

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: I am not irrelevant. I ran the numbers. If Lily and I have sex twice a week, which, let's be honest, we all know is being conservative. And we've been together for ten years, plus seventeen more times on the honeymoon, minus the two week drought when I said the checker at the grocery store reminded me of a young Lily. Then we have had sex a total of... wait for it...
Barney: Nice.
Marshall: 1,053 and a half times. My mom called once. But that's more times than Barney has ever had sex and to your point, Ted, Lily is a quality girl. I win. Lawyered.
Barney: Doesn't count.
Marshall: Totally counts.
Ted: You're right, it counts. It counts as one. You've had sex once. How was it?
Marshall: I still matter.

Quote from Barney

Barney: We've never shared a woman, have we, Ted? Isn't that funny? You're with her now, I was with her a year ago. You figure for her, that's like 200 showers ago. You gotta ask yourself, Ted, is 200 enough?
Ted: You know what, I don't mind.
Barney: No, of course you don't mind. Just like the second guy to climb Mt. Everest didn't mind getting all the way to the top only to find Sir Edmund Hilary's flagpole thrust into its supple peak. [Ted looks disgusted] No, I'm sure when you're with her I'll be the furthest thing from your mind. Kissing what I've already kissed. Nuzzling what I've already nuzzled. Going [motorboats] on what I've already gone [motorboats] on.
Ted: Barney, I'm not afraid of catching your cooties, OK?
Barney: Really? Ted's not afraid of cooties. OK, well then I guess you'd have no problem having a sip of my gin and tonic. [holds drink out for Ted]
Ted: Fine. [Ted takes the drink, brings it to his mouth and then backs out]
Barney: And I only stirred that with my pinky.

Quote from Robin

Robin: Do guys really think this is me?
Lily: Honey, it's you. And if you're gonna break up with George, you have to break up with his kid too.
Robin: Really?
Lily: Yeah, you can't just abandon him. You have to talk to him. Come on, Robin, you know it's the right thing to do.
Robin: Man. Doug was right, you are a pain in the ass.

Quote from Robin

Robin: Look, uh, Doug. There's no good way to say this.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Aunt Robin didn't know what to say. This kid had never been dumped before. But then she realized this kid had never been dumped before. She could use every cliché in the book.
Robin: We need to talk. I just think, um, we both could use some space right now. It's not you, it's me. I know this hurts but you deserve someone better. I'm just really trying to focus on my career right now, you know. I just hope we can still be friends.

Quote from Ted

Ted: I should have just worn that stupid eye patch.


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