‘Jenkins’
Season 5, Episode 13 - Aired January 18, 2010
Marshall can't stop going on about his new colleague, Jenkins, but he has neglected to tell Lily that Jenkins is a woman. Meanwhile, Robin is delighted when she discovers Ted's students are avid viewers of her morning show.
Quote from Robin
Barney: Does she really say "but, um" that much?
Future Ted: [v.o.] That night, we found out just how much she said it.
[As Ted and Barney stay up to watch Robin's show]
Robin: [on TV] Oh, that's great, but, um...
Ted: "But, um."
Barney: Nice.
Robin: This wasn't your first spelling bee, was it?
Kid: Nope. Third.
Robin: Oh! Good for you, but, um... [cut] But, um. [cut] But, um. [cut] But, um... But, um... But, um... [cut] But, um... But, um... [cut] But, um... But, um... But, um... [cut] But, um... But, um... But, um...
[Drunk Barney and Ted laugh hysterically]
Quote from Ted
Ted: These are just a few of the many contributions he made to architecture, and yet, he is only remembered for one thing. That, my friends, is the sad legacy of Gregorio Francetti Gazebo.
Quote from Marshall
Marshall: Okay, I'll come clean! It all started a few weeks ago.
[flashback to Marshall being introduced to Jenkins at work:]
Blauman: By the way, four eyes, new lawyer. This is Jenkins. Watch out for this guy. He steals stuff.
Marshall: I don't steal stuff. And I don't wear glasses. I'm Marshall.
Jenkins: Hi, Marshall. So, are you really a Vikings fan, or was he lying about that, too?
Marshall: Why? Is this a trap? Are you a Packers fan? My wife knows I'm here. She doesn't have money, but what she does have is a very special set of skills.
Jenkins: I'm a Vikings fan, too. I bleed purple and gold. I'm from Pelican Rapids!
Marshall: Pelican Rapids? No way! My grandpa lives in Pelican Rapids. Well, I mean, he's dead now, but he haunts a barn off Route 108.
Quote from Ted
Scotty: It's just... I watch your show all the time.
Robin: Really?
Ted: Really?
Scotty: Totally! What are you doing out with Ted?
Ted: Uh, it's Professor Mosby.
Robin: We're friends.
Scotty: Holy crap! Robin Scherbatsky's friends with my econ professor!
Ted: It's architecture! All right, you know what, Scotty, you're crowding us. Hit the bricks.
Scotty: Wait a minute. You're Big Fudge.
Ted: Go!
Quote from Robin
Marshall: She wasn't jealous at all!
Ted: Of course she wasn't jealous. That's the whole dynamic of your relationship.
Marshall: What's that supposed to mean?
Robin: Well, it's like this, my man. Every good relationship has a reacher and a settler.
Ted: Exactly. One person reaches for someone out of their league, the other one settles for someone below theirs.
Marshall: I did not settle for Lily. Okay, yes, she's a little short, and true, my mom says she doesn't have
the hips to birth an Eriksen child, but it... Oh, my God, you guys think I'm the reacher.
Robin: That's why Lily's not jealous. The settler is never jealous of the reacher because where's the reacher gonna go? The settler, Lily, is the best thing that the reacher, Marshall, is ever gonna get.
Quote from Robin
Ted: Um. Excuse me for a second.
What are you doing here?
Robin: [loudly] I noticed you forgot something this morning, so I thought I'd bring it by. Your pen.
Ted: This is your pen. And you chewed on the end of this. Recently.
Robin: Not a problem, Ted. Your class was on my way to work...
Ted: No, it's not.
Robin: ...at Come On, Get Up, New York, where I'm an anchor, so...
Betty: I watch your show all the time.
Robin: What? You watch the show? Oh! Well, paint me flattered! Any other fans out there?
[Lots of hands go up]
Ted: Okay, all right. Thanks for coming by, Robin.
Robin: Well, tune in tonight. I'm doing a great piece on snail poison. Also, who's got the worst pizza in New York? I'll give you the answer after traffic on the ones, threes, fives, and nines.
Quote from Ted
Ted: Really? You guys watch her show? It's like watching a well-lit aquarium, but not as interesting. And now that I think about it, not as well lit.
Scotty: Well, the truth is, we watch it for the drinking game.
Ted: The who now?
Betty: Her morning show comes on so early we're usually still at the bar, so whenever she does an interview, you have to drink every time she says "but, um."
Quote from Robin
[Ted and his students watch Robin's TV broadcast from a bar:]
Robin: [on TV] So, your third book was your breakout novel, but, um...
All: But, um!
Robin: Damn! Sorry. But... Just "but," no "um." Just "but." Your first novel was written more quickly.
Author: That's correct.
Robin: But, um...
All: But, um!
Ted: How great is this?
Future Ted: [v.o.] And it was right then that Robin got an idea that would end the drinking game forever. I wanted to ask you about the novel you're writing right now, but, um...
All: But, um!
Robin: It's an idea you've had for a... But, um...
All: But, um!
Robin: ... time. But, um...
All: But, um!
Ted: No. No, no, no. Don't drink. It's a trap.
Author: I think I'm gonna go. You can keep your 10 bucks.
Robin: Okay, but, um, thanks for being with us. But, um, if there's any college kids watching, but-um, but-um, but-um, but-um, but-um, but-um, but-um, but-um...
Scotty: We have to drink, professor. It's the rules. She said "but, um."
Ted: God help us all.
Quote from Robin
Ted: Okay, we're just gonna have a nice low-key class today. Not a lot of talking. No loud noises.
Robin: Sup, guys.
[All groan]
Ted: No, no, no, no, no. Please, just go away.
Robin: I just wanted to drop by and say... [siren blares] Thanks for watching, Come on, Get Up, New York! Whoo!
[exits, returns] But, um!
Quote from Ted
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, when you're in your 30s and live in New York, there's a few places you just never want to be. Times Square on New Year's Eve. Rockefeller Center around Christmastime. But most of all...
Ted: A college bar? Oh, man, we're probably gonna run into my students. They're gonna corner me and want a free lecture. I don't even have my slide projector.