Lily: Are you okay, Robin?
Robin: No, I'm not okay because apparently I am marrying my dad in a few hours.
Genevieve: Oh, sweetie, no, I'm sure that's not true. I mean, there's so much you don't know about your father. There were so many other red flags in our marriage. I mean, for instance, do you know that before he was engaged to me, he was engaged to marry an exotic dancer? Hello. Red flag.
Lily: Oh, Genevieve. Not good.
Genevieve: And, did you know that one time to impress women, he dressed up like a Prussian aristocrat, had a painting of himself made, and posed next to it in an art gallery? Can you imagine?
Lily: That's a rough one.
Genevieve: Darling, darling, the list goes on. He would always take his mother's side in arguments. He never checked with me before making plans. And our rehearsal dinner? Oh, boy, did we have it out right before our rehearsal dinner.
Lily: Thank you, Linus.
Genevieve: For the first 10 years I knew him, I didn't even know what your father did for a living. Every time I used to ask him, he'd say...
Lily: Please.
Genevieve: Yes, that's exactly what he used to say. How did you know that?

Genevieve: Oh, darling. Come on. No, no, you're not marrying your father. Your father... I mean, let's just put it this way. Your father was a sociopath. He slept with over 20 women. And sure, you know, we were friends for years first and it was entertaining watching him lie to those poor girls to get inside their snow pants. But I should've known back then this was not husband material. I mean, even your Uncle Jim, you know, his gay black brother...
Lily: Will you shut up?

Marshall: Well, it's official. I'm gonna be Judge Marshall Eriksen.
Ranjit: That is great. Can you help me get a driver's license?
Barney: Uh, what?

Ted: No, no, no, wait. He has a point. You said yourself, it was her decision. Lily chose to give up her job and not move to Rome so you could be a judge.
Marshall: Yeah, but something seemed off. We had this big fight, and she stormed out. When she came back, she had totally, like, changed her mind.
Billy Zabka: Wait, what time was this?
Marshall: A little after 3 a.m., Billy Zabka. Why?
Billy Zabka: Well, last night, I was doing some late night dirt biking.
Marshall: Naturally. Continue.
Billy Zabka: And I ended up at that EZ Pick a few miles up the road. And, well...
[flashback to Billy Zabka eating a corn dog as he watches Lily emerge from a convenience store and get in a black car:]
Billy Zabka: That's odd. [people booing]
[present:]
Barney: You saw Lily getting into someone's car? I wonder who it was.
Marshall: What did the license plate say?
Billy Zabka: It said "Ahoy."
Marshall: The Captain. Lily's boss. He has a house out here.

Ted: Why was Lily getting into the Captain's car at 3 in the morning?
Barney: Guys, I hate to even say this, but do you think it's possible that I could eat six of these saltines in under a minute? Challenge accepted.

Robin: The saltine challenge? Now?
Lily: Heh. It's his wedding day. Guys do weird things on their wedding day.
Genevieve: Well, on my wedding day, Robin's father completely disappeared for about three hours. He just said, "I've gotta go and teach somebody some manners," and off he went. And then three hours later, he emerged from the woods with a dead elk slung across his shoulder. And I didn't even know that there were elk in Bermuda. But this Barney, he sounds like a fine young man.
Robin: Yes, he is.

The Captain: [all singing] My gallant housekeeping crew, good morning
All: Sir, good morning
The Captain: I hope you are quite well
All: Quite well, and you, sir?
The Captain: I am in reasonable health, and happy to meet you all once... [doorbell rings] Oh, bother it. I'll get it.

Ted: Wait. Stop the duel.
Marshall: Oh, thank God. I mean, why?
Ted: Why? Because I just solved the mystery, that's why. Mosby Boys.
Barney: We agreed you wouldn't do that anymore.

Ted: Now, a simple question. When Lily and Marshall are apart for an extended period of time what is the one thing Lily always does?
Marshall: Cry?
Barney: Masturbate?
Billy Zabka: Karate?
The Captain: Go sailing?
Ted: No. When Lily and Marshall are apart... for a long period of time... Lily... always... starts smoking again.
Marshall: That's true. She does.
Ted: Happened when she went to Paris in college. It happened when she moved to San Francisco and last week, it happened again. From the moment Marshall left for Minnesota, Lily's been secretly puffing down the ciggies like a 46-year-old grandma at a Reno slot machine. Problem was, come Friday morning she knew she'd have to quit again. Cold turkey. And it wouldn't be easy. She tried to make it a whole car ride without a fix, but couldn't. She pretended to be annoyed by perfectly reasonable things, like my stylish driving gloves and my appreciation of the historic Van Otterloop manse. All so she could have one last smoke on the train. But afterwards, her breath told the tale. And that's why, when she got to the hotel.. Lily... was chewing... gum. Lily never chews gum.

Barney: Great job, Ted. That's some pretty solid evidence. Gum.
Ted: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, Barney, my dear boy, I'm just getting started.
Billy Zabka: Getting started?
Ted: Lily knew that cigarette was probably her last for a while. She needed something to keep her calm,
so she headed to the bar. Any time you see me without a drink in my hand, you put a drink in my hand. Are you my guy, Linus? What followed was a long day-and-a-half for Lily. A really long day-and-a-half. It's kind of insane how much happened in just a day-and-a-half. Anyway, Marshall returned, they had a big fight, Lily stormed out. And that's when she realized, if she was gonna sneak one this weekend, this was her chance. And after that fight, boy did she need one. Only problem? She was all out. Now, it's 3 a.m. You need a cigarette. The only place is an EZ Pick five miles down the road. You have no car. What do you do? Go.
Billy Zabka: Dirt bike it.
Marshall: I can walk that far.
Barney: Masturbate.
The Captain: Take a boat.
Ted: What? A boat? Dude, she got a ride in your car, remember?