Ted Mosby Quotes Page 1 of 28
Quote from We're Not From Here
Ted: New Jersey is not "pretty much New York". You are not "pretty much New Yorkers".
Colleen: And how would you know?
Ted: Because I live here. That's right. I live here. Yes, we're full of crap. Yes, we pretended to be from out of town so we could sleep with you and leave in the morning. But you know what's even worse than that?! Saying you're a New Yorker when you're not. Because, this is the greatest city in the world and you have to earn the right to call yourself a New Yorker. So why don't you girls crawl into the open sewer pipe you call the Holland Tunnel and flush yourselves back to "pretty much New York"? Because I will do a lot to get laid, but I am not going to New Jersey!
Quote from Intervention
[flashback to Marshall arriving at the apartment as Ted stacks books on a shelf:]
Marshall: Hey. What's that?
Ted: A 1986 World Book encyclopaedia. [en-sahy-kluh-pay-dee-uh] It's exactly the one I grew up with.
Ted: Oh, you think it should be pronounced encyclo-pee-dia. It's a common mistake. But if you look at that squished together "ae" symbol in this here encyclopaedia, you'll learn that it's a ligature derived from the Anglo-Saxon rune...
[The bookshelves collapse, ripping off a portion of plasterboard and exposing the building's red brick walls]
Marshall: You know, you're gonna have to paedia for that.
Quote from How Lily Stole Christmas
Ted: [on answering machine] Hey, Marshall. Are you lying on the couch right now moping about Lily? You are, aren't you? Well, stop it. She's not worth it. You gotta get over that Grinch.
Future Ted: [v.o.] But I didn't say "Grinch." I said a bad word. A very, very bad word.
Ted: Oh, fudge.
Future Ted: But I didn't say fudge.
Quote from Last Forever
Ted: [v.o.] Aunt Lily wasn't wrong. It was at times a long, difficult road. But I'm glad it was long and difficult, because if I hadn't gone through hell to get there, the lesson might not have been as clear. You see, kids, right from the moment I met your mom, I knew... I have to love this woman as much as I can for as long as I can, and I can never stop loving her, not even for a second. I carried that lesson with me through every stupid fight we ever had, every 5:00 a.m. Christmas morning, every sleepy Sunday afternoon. Through every speed bump, every pang of jealousy or boredom or uncertainty that came our way, I carried that lesson with me. And I carried it with me when she got sick. Even then, in what can only be called the worst of times, all I could do was thank God. Thank every god there is, or ever was, or will be, and the whole universe, and anyone else I can possibly thank... that I saw that beautiful girl on that train platform, and that I had the guts to stand up, walk over to her, tap her on the shoulder, open my mouth, and speak.
Quote from Tailgate
Ted: You'd all be better off coming upstairs to my place for a beer.
Man: Hey, dude. You serious?
Barney: Ted, do you remember a couple years ago, we had the best idea of all time?
Ted: We should buy a bar.
Barney: Of course! We could buy a bar! The name of our bar? Puzzles. People will be like, "Why is it called Puzzles?" That's the puzzle.
Ted: A bar where no one's overcharged, where everyone feels valued and respected.
Barney: A bar... where we get chicks drunk and bang them.
Ted: We're opening Puzzles tonight.
Barney: Of course we're opening Puzzles tonight!
Ted: Aren't you going to ask us why it's called Puzzles?
Quote from Tailgate
Ted: Oh, check it out. We worked out a theme song for Puzzles.
Kevin: While I was carrying 100-pound kegs up four flights of stairs? Awesome.
[Ted plays the piano as he and Barney sing:]
Ted: Puzzles is a place where people go To feel like they belong
Barney: Gonna take advantage of dumb drunk girls
Ted: No, we're not. That would be wrong A place where wit and wisdom bloom
Barney: A place to bang chicks in Ted's room
Ted: Not gonna happen.
Barney: We'll talk about it.
Both: At Puzzles, we all fit together
Kevin: And I'm the bartender!
Quote from Last Forever
Ted: Okay, suppose I were interested in Aunt Robin in that way, it's not like I'd do anything about it. I got you guys to think about.
Daughter: Dad, we love Aunt Robin.
Son: Whenever she comes over for dinner, you guys are so obvious.
Daughter: Come on, Dad. Mom's been gone for six years now. It's time.
Ted: What, I just... just call her up on the phone and ask her out on a date?
Ted: And that... that's something you guys would want?
Ted: All right, I'll give her a call.
Daughter: Do it.
Ted: I am.
Son: Call her.
Ted: I'm calling her.
Ted: Here I go. Or...
[elsewhere, Robin arrives home with five dogs]
Robin: Alright, home sweet home. Wait one second. Okay. Okay. Stay. Ah. We'll work on that. [intercom beeps] Television, display front door security. Television, dis... Oh, for Pete's sakes.
Robin: Television, display front door security. Television, dis... Oh, for Pete's sakes.
[Robin opens the window and looks down to the street. Ted is standing there. He holds up the blue french horn. Robin smiles.]
[title: how i met your mother]
Quote from The Stinsons
Barney: What could you possibly have to say for yourself?
[flashback to Ted and Margaret talking about acting tips:]
Margaret: Acting rule number one: "Don't be afraid to improvise."
Ted: Was it me who betrayed you, or you who betrayed me?
Barney: I'm sorry. What?
Margaret: Acting rule number five: "Invent a rich back story for your character."
Ted: November 14th, 1998. The overnight train to Monte Carlo. I was in the billiards car hustling some Algerians out of few thousand dinar, when you seduced my fiancee! Who is blind and thought you were me.
Barney: What in God's name are you talking about?
Margaret: Acting rule number eight: Don't be afraid to get physical.
Ted: [slaps Barney] You know damn well what I'm talking about!
Barney: No, I don't!
Ted: [slaps Barney again] Yes, you do! And by God, I'll hear you say it, scoundrel!
Quote from Legendaddy
Ted: Okay. Now I feel bad about making fun of him for the tool thing. My dad was the one who taught me all that stuff.
Robin: Well, to be fair, everyone has some glaring gap in knowledge. Something really obvious you somehow never learned.
Ted: Okay. But a screwdriver? Come on. I don't have any gaps that fundamental.
Robin: Really? I seem to recall...
[flashback to Ted's classroom:]
Ted: Daniel Burnham was an architect whose ever-shifting style and aesthetic... made him a true architectural "chama-lee-on." And only the most gifted "chama-lee-on"... could've designed classic beaux-arts masterpieces... right alongside sleek, modern flatirons. His name might as well have been Daniel Chama-lee-on.
Betty: Um, Professor? Uh, do you mean "chameleon"?
Ted: Betty, I'm pretty sure it's pronounced "chama-lee-on," so... [all the students shake their heads] Class dismissed. No homework for a while.
Ted: Okay. I learned that word by reading it. That's how I've always pronounced it.
Robin: Ted, that wasn't easy. It took a lot of "char-acter" to admit that.
Quote from Last Forever
Ted: And that, kids... is how I met your mother.
Daughter: That's it?
Ted: That's it.
Daughter: No. I don't buy it. That is not the reason you made us listen to this.
Ted: Oh, really? Then what's the reason?
Daughter: Let's look at the facts here. You made us sit down and listen to this story about how you met mom. Yet mom's hardly in the story. No. This is a story about how you're totally in love with Aunt Robin. And you're thinking about asking her out, and you want to know if we're okay with it.
Ted: I can't believe this. I kept this story short and to the point, and you guys still missed it. The point of the story is that...
Daughter: Is that you totally, totally, totally have the hots for Aunt Robin.
Ted: No, I don't.
Daughter: Yes, you do.
Ted: You're grounded.
Son: Wow, you are really into Aunt Robin.
Ted: You're grounded, too.
Quote from The Lighthouse
Ted: I'm starting to think a person gets a certain allotment of lighthouses per lifetime. And I've used all mine up.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that, kids, is the kind of stupid thing you say before you've met the person who hits the reset button on the world, who makes everything new again, who makes it seem ridiculous that you ever considered settling, because not two years later...
Ted: Look at that.
The Mother: It's like traveling back in time.
Ted: That is exactly what I said. Why couldn't it have been you here with me two years ago?
The Mother: That's probably for the best. When you vomit, I vomit. You know that.
Ted: Well, thanks for being here with me now.
The Mother: Thanks for bringing me. Wow. It is just bonkers beautiful here. I don't know how you could improve on a day like this.
Ted: Well, I'm gonna try. [gets down on one knee]
The Mother: Whoa.
Ted: Will you...
The Mother: Yes.
Ted: You didn't even let me...
The Mother: Yes.
Ted: Marry me?
The Mother: Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes... yes.
Quote from The Naked Man
Mitch: This is my move. It's called, "The Naked Man."
Ted: "The Naked Man"?
Mitch: Goes like this: You're on a first date, you've had a few drinks, you make an excuse to go up to the girl's apartment.
Robin: So, the bathroom's right there. [cellphone rings] You know what, I'm going to grab this.
Mitch: [v.o.] Then, once she leaves the room, you strip down naked and wait. When she comes back, she laughs. She's so charmed by your confidence and bravado, she sleeps with you. Boom!
Ted: There is no way that works!
Mitch: Two out of three times.
Ted: Two out of three times?
Mitch: Two out of three times.
Quote from Slapsgiving
Lily: Isn't it sad? I mean in 2007, some countries actually still condone corporal punishment.
Ted & Robin: [salute] Corporal punishment.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Because once you start, it's surprisingly hard to stop.
Marshall: Oh, man, I got a kernel stuck in my teeth.
Ted & Robin: [salute] Colonel stuck-in-my-teeth.
Marshall: Please stop!
Barney: I hate you!
Lily: You're killing me!
Quote from Now We're Even
Marshall: So, how's living alone?
Ted: You know, it's interesting. When I first moved into my new apartment, I was nervous. For the first time in my adult life, I didn't have a roommate. But then it hit me, for the first time in my adult life, I didn't have a roommate! If I want to walk around naked, nobody cares. If I want to leave the laundry basket in the middle of the living room, nobody stops me. If I bring home soup from the deli and leave it in the fridge for two days, nobody eats it. And if I do something colossally stupid, nobody ever has to know. People make fun of the guy who stays home every night doing nothing. But the truth is... that guy's a genius. Because let's be honest, sitting around watching TV, drinking beer and eating ribs alone is what every red-blooded American would rather be doing at all times.
Marshall: Yeah, but wouldn't it be better to have someone to share the... I mean, don't you get lonely without... Yeah, that sounds pretty great.
Quote from The Time Travelers
Ted: Oh. I think I'm gonna head home.
Barney: I understand.
Ted: What, you're not gonna try and stop me?
Barney: And how would I try and stop you?
Ted: I don't know, by telling me life is short, and if you ever come across a beautiful, exciting, crazy moment in it, you got to seize it while you can before that moment's gone?
Barney: Ted, this moment already is gone. The whole Minnesota Tidal Wave thing happened five years ago. It's just a memory. And the rest of this never happened. Right now, Marshall and Lily are upstairs, trying to get Marvin to go back to sleep. Robin and I are trying to decide on a caterer. And you've been sitting here all night, staring at a single ticket to Robots vs. Wrestlers because the rest of us couldn't come out. Look around, Ted. You're all alone.