Future Ted: [v.o.] And so we did it. We asked Barney all the questions we'd always wanted to.
[montage:]
Barney: In one night? Four.
Barney: In one family? Three.
Barney: Yes, but not while she was Secretary of State.
Barney: Yes, but not while she was Secretary of State.
Barney: Just once. With a French male model, Henri. It was late, we were the last two people in the club. I was Ionely and I figured, why not try it? That was the only time I ever split a cab.
Barney: Yes, but not the MIT you're thinking of: The Magicians Institute of Teaneck.
Barney: I've had sex in Ted's bed 14 times.
Ted: I asked if you wear shoulder pads. I think I've just got one question left, and it's a biggie. Barney Stinson, what do you do for a living?

Ted: Tell us more about this job.
Barney: Well, as you know, back in my hippie days, a man came into my coffee shop, told me money was all that mattered and stole my girlfriend. That's when I decided to become awesome. But I had no idea how to break into the corporate world. So, hoping he wouldn't recognize me, I went to the person from whom I knew I could learn everything.
[flashback:]
Greg: Do we know each other, bro?
Barney: We're all connected in Gaia's tapestry of... [clears throat] No. We don't. Bro.
Greg: Wow, you went to MIT. Pretty impressive.
Barney: I did get a perfect score on the ACTs.
[present:]
Barney: Advanced card tricks.

[flashback:]
Greg: Look, buddy, you got a sweet resume, but we don't have openings you're qualified...
Man: They set me up! It was a trap! It's a trap!
Greg: We have one opening you'd be perfect for.
Barney: Great. What do I do?
Greg: Please.
[later, Greg and Barney stand by a whiteboard:]
Greg: "Provide legal exculpation and sign everything." Just show up every day, scribble your name on a bunch of documents, and we'll pay you 16 craploads a year. The deets are in the contract. I'll give you time to think about it.
[17 seconds later:]
Barney: I'll take it.
Greg: Hold on. Did you even read this before signing it?
Barney: No.
Greg: You're hired.

Robin: Barney, you're being stupid. The company is setting you up as their fall guy for all of their illegal activities.
Barney: No, you guys are being stupid. Especially Ted.
Ted: What? I didn't say anything.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And then, kids, Barney revealed to us his master plan. It all went down a few months after the wedding.
[two months later:]
Barney: Hey, Greg? I know you're busy, but F.Y.I, I've been colluding with the Feds. They know everything. They are on their way to shut down this division and arrest you. Door closed, or...
Greg: What? Why would you do that?
Barney: Oh, gosh, countless moral reasons could have applied. But this is pretty much revenge for stealing my girlfriend. See, that day I vowed I would do everything in my power to track you down, gain your trust and then destroy you.
Greg: Who are you?
Barney: Who am I? Just a guy who served you coffee once. Peace out, loser.
[Barney Stinson theme song plays]
Greg: You son-of-a-bitch. I'll destroy you! Get your hands off of me!

Marshall: So just to be clear, after we finish having sex, that's when we'll have our fight?
Lily: That's right.
Marshall: Excuse me. [runs into the bathroom, puts cold water on his face] Okay, Marshall, it's go time. You've had great nights of sex before, most of them with Lily. A few by yourself. And we'll always have that unscrambled Spice Channel glitch of '93. But this has gotta be the performance of a lifetime. Jimi Hendrix at Monterey. James Brown at the Apollo. Your law school funk band pretty much anywhere. So get out there and bang your wife for as long as you possibly can. Not a good sign that I'm already out of breath.

Marshall: Oh, yeah, baby, I could go all night. [inner monologue] I can't hold out much longer. What are the least arousing things I can think of?
Man: [singing] Day-old roadkill Oh, yeah Fingernail, fingernail clippings That is some dull stuff How your TMJ night guard smells In the morning Nasty Bugs, mm! More bugs
Marshall: [inner monologue] It's working. It's working. Uh-oh, it's working too well. Think sexy thoughts. Think sexy thoughts.
Man: [singing] Bugs with boobs
Lily: Marshall, are you all right? You don't seem to be...
Marshall: Please excuse Medium-Sized Fudge.

The Mother: Okay. It's over.
Ted: Starting the clock now. Labor sucks, huh?
The Mother: Yeah. That fun-sounding name? It's totally misleading.
Ted: [chuckles] We better have this baby soon. You know my mom's rule. "Nothing good happens after 2 a.m."
The Mother: I don't buy it. Just like I don't buy what her son told me. "Let's go away for one last weekend before the baby comes. We'll be fine."
Ted: Well, I hate to point fingers, but you should never listen to me. You know that.
The Mother: That's my bad.

Barney: You guys can't still see where Marshall slapped me?
Ted: Your face looks like a "don't walk" signal.
Robin: Your face looks like a photo negative of the Hamburger Helper box.
Ted: A palm reader could tell Marshall's future by studying your face.
Robin: The phrase "Talk to the hand because the face ain't listening" doesn't work for you because the hand is on your face.
Barney: A simple "yes" would've sufficed.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Ever since Lily heard that Marshall had accepted an offer to be a judge, thus jeopardizing their planned year in Italy, they both knew a big fight was coming. But when they finally saw each other...
Lily: Pause?
Marshall: Pause.
Future Ted: See, Lily and Marshall had a long tradition of hitting "pause" on their arguments. Sometimes they paused because they suddenly had other things to do.
[flashback:]
Marshall: We have to stick to our budget, okay? You cannot be out there buying all these Brazilian bikini waxes and Kama Sutra body oils and edible... Pause.
Future Ted: Sometimes they paused to keep their fights from changing subjects.
[flashback:]
Marshall: Baby, I cannot put up with your shoes being all over the house.
Lily: Why not? I put up with your terrible mother. [gasps] Pause.
Marshall: Pause.
Future Ted: And now that they were paused., Marshall realized he would do anything to stay paused for as long as he could.

Marshall: Oh! And now, the best thing to come out of my cross-country trip, a little segment I like to call: "Embarrassing Souvenirs I Picked Up From Ted's Childhood Home."
[Marshall picks up a tote bag which reads "Shaker Heights Debate Team"]
Marshall: "Totally awesome Ted." What, did you steal this off some kid named Ted? I'm just getting warmed up here.
Ted: This is fun. We're all... I'm having fun.
Marshall: When you squeeze this toy, a recording of Ted says, "I love you, Mommy."
Robin: Oh, that's sweet. Why would we make fun of him for that?
Marshall: He gave it to her when he was 19.
Ted: [on recording] I love you, Mommy.
Marshall: And lastly, a photo of young Ted and his best friend dressed up like cowboys.
Lily: No. All right, leave him alone.
Marshall: His best friend was a balloon.
Robin: I wanna see that picture more than I wanna get married. Ha-ha-ha!
Marshall: I hate you so much.