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33Quotes from ‘Unpause’

How I Met Your Mother: Unpause

915. Unpause

Aired January 20, 2014

Marshall tries to put off his fight with Lily for as long as he can, but she decides to unpause their argument. Meanwhile, Ted and Robin get an insight into Barney's life when he gets so drunk he can only speak the truth.

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] And so we did it. We asked Barney all the questions we'd always wanted to.
[montage:]
Barney: In one night? Four.
Barney: In one family? Three.
Barney: Yes, but not while she was Secretary of State.
Barney: Yes, but not while she was Secretary of State.
Barney: Just once. With a French male model, Henri. It was late, we were the last two people in the club. I was Ionely and I figured, why not try it? That was the only time I ever split a cab.
Barney: Yes, but not the MIT you're thinking of: The Magicians Institute of Teaneck.
Barney: I've had sex in Ted's bed 14 times.
Ted: I asked if you wear shoulder pads. I think I've just got one question left, and it's a biggie. Barney Stinson, what do you do for a living?

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Quote from Barney

Ted: Tell us more about this job.
Barney: Well, as you know, back in my hippie days, a man came into my coffee shop, told me money was all that mattered and stole my girlfriend. That's when I decided to become awesome. But I had no idea how to break into the corporate world. So, hoping he wouldn't recognize me, I went to the person from whom I knew I could learn everything.
[flashback:]
Greg: Do we know each other, bro?
Barney: We're all connected in Gaia's tapestry of... [clears throat] No. We don't. Bro.
Greg: Wow, you went to MIT. Pretty impressive.
Barney: I did get a perfect score on the ACTs.
[present:]
Barney: Advanced card tricks.

Quote from Barney

[flashback:]
Greg: Look, buddy, you got a sweet resume, but we don't have openings you're qualified...
Man: They set me up! It was a trap! It's a trap!
Greg: We have one opening you'd be perfect for.
Barney: Great. What do I do?
Greg: Please.
[later, Greg and Barney stand by a whiteboard:]
Greg: "Provide legal exculpation and sign everything." Just show up every day, scribble your name on a bunch of documents, and we'll pay you 16 craploads a year. The deets are in the contract. I'll give you time to think about it.
[17 seconds later:]
Barney: I'll take it.
Greg: Hold on. Did you even read this before signing it?
Barney: No.
Greg: You're hired.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Barney, you're being stupid. The company is setting you up as their fall guy for all of their illegal activities.
Barney: No, you guys are being stupid. Especially Ted.
Ted: What? I didn't say anything.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And then, kids, Barney revealed to us his master plan. It all went down a few months after the wedding.
[two months later:]
Barney: Hey, Greg? I know you're busy, but F.Y.I, I've been colluding with the Feds. They know everything. They are on their way to shut down this division and arrest you. Door closed, or...
Greg: What? Why would you do that?
Barney: Oh, gosh, countless moral reasons could have applied. But this is pretty much revenge for stealing my girlfriend. See, that day I vowed I would do everything in my power to track you down, gain your trust and then destroy you.
Greg: Who are you?
Barney: Who am I? Just a guy who served you coffee once. Peace out, loser.
[Barney Stinson theme song plays]
Greg: You son-of-a-bitch. I'll destroy you! Get your hands off of me!

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: So just to be clear, after we finish having sex, that's when we'll have our fight?
Lily: That's right.
Marshall: Excuse me. [runs into the bathroom, puts cold water on his face] Okay, Marshall, it's go time. You've had great nights of sex before, most of them with Lily. A few by yourself. And we'll always have that unscrambled Spice Channel glitch of '93. But this has gotta be the performance of a lifetime. Jimi Hendrix at Monterey. James Brown at the Apollo. Your law school funk band pretty much anywhere. So get out there and bang your wife for as long as you possibly can. Not a good sign that I'm already out of breath.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Oh, yeah, baby, I could go all night. [inner monologue] I can't hold out much longer. What are the least arousing things I can think of?
Man: [singing] Day-old roadkill Oh, yeah Fingernail, fingernail clippings That is some dull stuff How your TMJ night guard smells In the morning Nasty Bugs, mm! More bugs
Marshall: [inner monologue] It's working. It's working. Uh-oh, it's working too well. Think sexy thoughts. Think sexy thoughts.
Man: [singing] Bugs with boobs
Lily: Marshall, are you all right? You don't seem to be...
Marshall: Please excuse Medium-Sized Fudge.

Quote from The Mother

The Mother: Okay. It's over.
Ted: Starting the clock now. Labor sucks, huh?
The Mother: Yeah. That fun-sounding name? It's totally misleading.
Ted: [chuckles] We better have this baby soon. You know my mom's rule. "Nothing good happens after 2 a.m."
The Mother: I don't buy it. Just like I don't buy what her son told me. "Let's go away for one last weekend before the baby comes. We'll be fine."
Ted: Well, I hate to point fingers, but you should never listen to me. You know that.
The Mother: That's my bad.

Quote from Barney

Barney: You guys can't still see where Marshall slapped me?
Ted: Your face looks like a "don't walk" signal.
Robin: Your face looks like a photo negative of the Hamburger Helper box.
Ted: A palm reader could tell Marshall's future by studying your face.
Robin: The phrase "Talk to the hand because the face ain't listening" doesn't work for you because the hand is on your face.
Barney: A simple "yes" would've sufficed.

Quote from Marshall

Future Ted: [v.o.] Ever since Lily heard that Marshall had accepted an offer to be a judge, thus jeopardizing their planned year in Italy, they both knew a big fight was coming. But when they finally saw each other...
Lily: Pause?
Marshall: Pause.
Future Ted: See, Lily and Marshall had a long tradition of hitting "pause" on their arguments. Sometimes they paused because they suddenly had other things to do.
[flashback:]
Marshall: We have to stick to our budget, okay? You cannot be out there buying all these Brazilian bikini waxes and Kama Sutra body oils and edible... Pause.
Future Ted: Sometimes they paused to keep their fights from changing subjects.
[flashback:]
Marshall: Baby, I cannot put up with your shoes being all over the house.
Lily: Why not? I put up with your terrible mother. [gasps] Pause.
Marshall: Pause.
Future Ted: And now that they were paused., Marshall realized he would do anything to stay paused for as long as he could.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Oh! And now, the best thing to come out of my cross-country trip, a little segment I like to call: "Embarrassing Souvenirs I Picked Up From Ted's Childhood Home."
[Marshall picks up a tote bag which reads "Shaker Heights Debate Team"]
Marshall: "Totally awesome Ted." What, did you steal this off some kid named Ted? I'm just getting warmed up here.
Ted: This is fun. We're all... I'm having fun.
Marshall: When you squeeze this toy, a recording of Ted says, "I love you, Mommy."
Robin: Oh, that's sweet. Why would we make fun of him for that?
Marshall: He gave it to her when he was 19.
Ted: [on recording] I love you, Mommy.
Marshall: And lastly, a photo of young Ted and his best friend dressed up like cowboys.
Lily: No. All right, leave him alone.
Marshall: His best friend was a balloon.
Robin: I wanna see that picture more than I wanna get married. Ha-ha-ha!
Marshall: I hate you so much.

Quote from Barney

Barney: [speaks alien language]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Over the years, we'd seen all sorts of levels of Barney's drunkenness.
[flashbacks to Barney at MacLaren's:]
Barney: How you doing?
Future Ted: Richard Dawson drunk.
Barney: Is this your sister?
Future Ted: "Big plans with strangers" drunk.
Barney: Hey! Me and the Road Dawgs are going splitsies on a time share in Flint, Michigan. And non-refundably booked. Come on, I'm gonna buy you all some mopeds. Road Dawgs!
Future Ted: And Marcel Marceau drunk. But we knew the night was over whenever Barney got Jabba drunk. So drunk that his speech bore an uncanny resemblance to that of... Jabba the Hutt from Return of the Jedi.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Okay, we have to go to bed.
Barney: Yeah, I need to get my ear hair trimmed in the morning. It's like a rainforest in there.
Robin: Uh, why would you volunteer that information?
Barney: Because it's the truth. Also, I peed a little on my tie at the urinal.
Ted: Uh, Barney, who's taller, me or you?
Barney: You're taller. I wear lifts in my shoes.
Ted: Oh, my God, Robin. Barney has reached a whole new level. He's truth serum drunk. He can't lie. So we can finally get the answers we've always been wondering about. Look, I know you said you had to get to bed, but...
Robin: Screw tomorrow. We go big tonight.

Quote from Barney

Robin: So Barney will answer any question we ask him with the truth?
Ted: I think so.
Robin: Honey, when that Bryan Adams song came on the radio, did two mosquitoes really fly into your eyes at the same time?
Barney: No. I got all choked up thinking about how everything he does, he does it for her.
Robin: Checks out.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Okay, what next? It's hard to know where to begin, there are so many...
Ted: What did you do to my mom?
Barney: Well, that night, we were in my car...
Ted: I was wrong. I can't handle this. Just tell me in baseball terms.
Barney: I got thrown out trying to stretch a single into a double.
Ted: I can live with that.

Quote from Barney

Robin: How about that time you walked into the bar wearing triple X-ray goggles?
[flashback:]
Barney: Well, hello, you two lovely ladies.
Robin: What are you wearing?
Barney: Oh, hey, Robin, didn't see you there. Just triple X-ray goggles, no big deal.
Lily: There is no way those things work.
Barney: I'm not even here, just act natural. Right, because that jacket's made of lead.
[present:]
Robin: Those things didn't work, did they?
Barney: Absolutely, Lily's boobs always work for me. Oh, the goggles? No.

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, in all the time we knew Barney, there was one question he would always answer the same way.
[flashback:]
Marshall: Seriously, what is it that you do?
Barney: Ha-ha-ha. Please.
[flashback:]
Lily: Seriously, what do you do for a living?
Barney: Ha-ha-ha. Please.
[flashback:]
Marshall: You finally gonna tell me exactly what your job is?
Barney: Ha! Please.
[present:]
Future Ted: So naturally, this was a pretty big moment for us.
Ted: Well? What do you do for a living?
Barney: Please.
Robin: He's not telling us. More booze.
Ted: Not so fast, princess. I guess subtle clues and the bar tab are two things you don't pick up. Because I think he is telling us.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Wait, that's your job? You sign sketchy, legally binding documents that could implicate you for God-knows-what?
Barney: Best job ever, right?

Quote from Lily

Lily: No more pausing. We're getting through this argument.
Marshall: Okay. But no pot shots at my mom.
Lily: Fine. No distracting me with your calves.
Marshall: Fine. I love you, Lilypad.
Lily: I love you, Marshmallow. Now... How could you take that job without telling me?
Marshall: Baby, I'm sorry, but they needed an answer right away. This is a huge opportunity. It could be good
for our family and we have to at least talk about it.
Lily: Sorry, you lost your chance to talk about it when you didn't talk about it. We're going to Italy.
Marshall: But I could be a judge. We can't give that up for what is clearly just a hobby. Pause.
Lily: No pause. That hobby is my dream. We're going to Italy.
Marshall: Well, it's my dream to...
Lily: We are going to Italy.
Marshall: Baby, can you just...
Lily: We are going to Italy. Don't you get it? You went behind my back. You hurt me. You were more selfish than I have ever been to you.
Marshall: You broke up with me and moved to San Francisco.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: Why are you bringing up San Francisco? That was seven years ago.
Marshall: Because you are being selfish all over again.
Lily: Marshall, I apologized over and over again. Now you're saying you've never forgiven me? There is nothing more important to me than our family, you know that.
Marshall: Well, let me ask: What if you had found success in San Francisco? How do I know that you even would have come back to me?
Lily: Stop it.
Marshall: Are Marvin and I and any other future children we may have just some consolation prize?
Lily: I have to get out of here.
Marshall: Babe...

Quote from Barney

Ted: Okay, I got one last question for you and I can't believe I haven't asked it yet. Dude, you're getting married tomorrow. How are you doing?
Barney: Good. I mean, I'm a little nervous. But I love Robin more than I've ever loved anyone and I'm gonna do everything I can to make her happy. For a long time, deep down, I felt sort of... broken? But I don't feel that way anymore. Robin, along with the idea that vengeance will soon be mine, has made me 100 percent awesome.
Ted: I'm proud of you, buddy.
Barney: [babbling]
Ted: Okay. Come on, Jabba. Big day tomorrow.
Linus: Tab for the night. Just so you know, those last few rounds of 35-year Glen McKenna were not cheap.
Ted: Whoa. Um... You know what? Charge them to the bride's room.

Quote from The Mother

The Mother: Okay. Okay.
Ted: Everything is fine, okay? Don't freak out.
The Mother: I'm not freaking out.
Ted: I was talking to myself.
The Mother: Do you have the baby?
Ted: The elevator!
The Mother: What?
Ted: Marshall and Lily are right, never gets old.
The Mother: Unless you're crowning.
Ted: So proud of you.
The Mother: Thank you.
Ted: Penny's so proud of you.
The Mother: Let's go get you a brother, okay?
Ted: You want a brother? I love you.
The Mother: I love you too.
Ted: You're gonna be great.
The Mother: Yeah, okay.
Future Ted: [v.o.] 2 a.m., it's a good rule. But every rule has an exception. And for us, that exception was you, Luke.
Ted: We're having a baby!


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