Ted: Okay, this may come as a shock to you, Barney, but people don't like to be lied to.
Barney: Wrong. They don't like finding out they've been lied to. "Because a lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth." Barney Stinson.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, you may be wondering how many of these stories I'm telling you are true. It's a fair question. After all, there's a fine line between a good story and a bald-faced lie. I've never met anyone who could work that line better than your Uncle Barney. Heck, he could jump rope with it.
[at MacLaren's:]
Barney: I love to travel myself.
Sarah: Really? Where's the best place you've visited?
Barney: Hawaii's nice. A buddy of mine lives in Seattle, that's a good spot. But the best place, I'd have to say the moon. Hi, Neil Armstrong.
[later, in the apartment:]
Ted: No! You did not convince a girl you were the first man to walk on the moon! That happened seven years before you were born.
Barney: Ted, baby doll, minor hurdle.
[flashback:]
Barney: Oh, yeah, well, our spaceship passed through a wormhole or some gamma rays or something. I started aging backwards, blah, blah, blah. So, you work in a yogurt shop, that must be wild.

Marshall: Although, I did actually work in a yogurt store in high school. And it was indeed wild.
Barney: Anywho, 20 minutes later, the eagle landed. We knocked space boots. Houston, we have a moaner. Other space related double entendres.

Lily: Oh, my God! You got mugged?
Barney: Who mugged you? Was he wearing a black skull-knit cap and a five o'clock shadow? Did he say, "Stick them up"?
Marshall: Yes, Barney, because I got mugged in 1947, at the corner of Abbott and Costello.

Barney: The truth is, I'm afraid the three-way story didn't go exactly as I said it did.
[flashback to Barney chatting with Sarah and Lisa:]
Barney: Nailed it. Who's up for a three-way?
[The two ladies throw their drinks at him.]
Barney: Lisa, wait.
Lisa: Yes, Neil?
Barney: Oh, you're Lisa? Sarah, wait. Look, I'm not Neil Armstrong. I'm sorry I lied.
Sarah: Well, I guess I wasn't completely honest with you either. I mean, I said that I was 28, but the truth is that I'm really 31. And if we're being completely honest, I went to the doctor the other day and found out...
[present:]
Barney: Thirty-one! I was happy, very happy, thinking that I had nailed a 28-year-old with some sun damage. People want the lie, Marshall. They need the lie, which is why, as far as I'm concerned, you were mugged by a monkey. Just as sure as I had that three-way. I am the greatest in the world!

Lily: Ooh! That's the pizza. Baby, do you have any cash?
Marshall: Oh! You know, I don't... I actually... I don't think that I should have to pay, 'cause I'm not a fan of pizza.
Lily: [gasps] What?
Ted: Marshall, we've driven halfway across the country for a piece of pizza, literally, hundreds of times.
Lily: I once caught you eating pizza in the shower.
Delivery guy: Marshall, there's a cartoon of you on our coupons.
Barney: I'm not saying Marshall's a guy who likes pizza, but last time he went in for a physical, doctor says, "Marshall, you got to stop eating pizza." Marshall says, "Why?" Doc says, "So I can examine you." But seriously, we kid because we love.

Ted: So, you weren't mugged by a monkey?
Marshall: No, I wasn't.
Barney: So, what you're saying is, the monkey tricked you into giving him your wallet?
Marshall: No, that's not what I'm saying.
Ted: So, you mugged the monkey?
Marshall: Guys, there was no monkey! It was a human being with a gun.
Barney: Are you sure it wasn't one monkey standing on another monkey's shoulders wearing a men's trench coat?
Ted: Be about the right height.
Marshall: No! I... I just made that story up so that Lily wouldn't get a gun. The truth is that it never happened.

Robin: [enters] I hate my job.
Marshall: What are you talking about? I thought you just interviewed the mayor.
Robin: Mayor McWoof. He wears a dog costume, and teaches kids not to litter. At least he's supposed to.
[flashback to Robin's news show:]
Mayor McWoof: I don't want to talk about Mayor McWoof. I want to talk about these amazing insoles from Bon Appe-Feet! Just look how shock absorbent they are!
Robin: A prop! The table's a prop! [sighs] We'll be right back. We'll be right back.
Mike: Oh! Sorry, Robin. Got bored.
Robin: Yeah, I don't blame you.

Robin: Man, just one decent interview would be so nice for a change.
Ted: Fine. I'll look at my schedule, see when I'm available. But I want a list of questions ahead of time, and my personal life is off limits.
Robin: Ted, you caught seven peanuts in a row. It's impressive but it's not newsworthy.
Barney: You caught seven in a row?
Ted: Seven in a row.
Marshall: Whoa!

Ted: No, I'm talking about how I was selected to build a scale model of the Empire State Building, for the largest re-creation of the New York skyline in the world.
Robin: Is that the thing you were playing with the other night?
Ted: I wasn't playing. I was working.
[flashback to Ted playing with tiny figures on top of his Empire State Building model:]
Ted: "It's you." "It's me." "I saw you in the street." "Are you Annie?" "Yes."
Robin: Ted? Are you acting out the last scene of Sleepless in Seattle with little dolls?
Ted: How long have you been out here?
Robin: Ten seconds.
Ted: Yeah. Just the last scene.
[present:]
Marshall: Oh, Ted. Again?