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41Quotes from ‘Robots Vs. Wrestlers’

How I Met Your Mother: Robots Vs. Wrestlers

522. Robots Vs. Wrestlers

Aired May 10, 2010

Barney is afraid the gang is falling apart when Ted blows off "Robots vs. Wrestlers" to attend an exclusive party.

Quote from Future Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I think I told you how earlier that year we had seen some doppelgangers of ourselves around town. There was Lesbian Robin. There was Mustache Marshall. And, of course, Stripper Lily. Well, that night, one more doppelganger surfaced. Mexican Wrestler Ted.

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Quote from Marshall

Peter Bogdanovich: Which is exactly what Truffaut was talking about in his 1954 article in Cahiers du cinema. Film is an auteur's medium, full stop.
Marshall: [laughs] Movies. Right? Actors. Willem Dafoe. Funny thing about Willem Dafoe. Uh, his name kind of sounds like a frog talking to a parrot. [in deep voice] Willem. [in high-pitched voice] Dafoe! [deep] Willem. [high] Dafoe! No?

Quote from Barney

Barney: Fine, you guys can have a baby, but only under these conditions. One, you promise to always love me more than the baby. Two, once a month I get to use the baby to pick up chicks. Three, that may involve the baby falling from a two-story window and me heroically catching it. Four, no breast-feeding in front of me. Five, forget about four. You can whip them out whenever you want.

Quote from Ted

Jefferson Van Smoot: But you see, music was changing, and Giovanni Artusi simply didn't understand the new style of composing.
Ted: Excuse me. Are you talking about Monteverdi and his fourth book of madrigals?
Jefferson Van Smoot: My dear chap, what else?
Ted: That's my favorite book of madrigals!

Quote from Marshall

Waiter: Smoked foie gras with caramelized mango and creme fraiche?
Marshall: Hey, hey, guy. You have anything in the mini-cheeseburger department?
Waiter: I don't think so, sir.
Marshall: No. Mini-pizzas? Little cups of fries? Any food at all that'll make me feel like a giant?
Waiter: I'll check, sir. [exits]
Marshall: He's not gonna check.

Quote from Barney

Barney: I'm performing open heart surgery on the Dutch ambassador in the morning. I hope he pulls through.
Hannah: Really? A colleague of mine just prescribed Coumadin to the Dutch ambassador. And there's no way she'd be on anticoagulants if she were about to undergo surgery.
Barney: Just... Okay. [walks away]

Quote from Ted

Ted: Guys, guys, guys, guys, Will Shortz! Editor of the Times crossword! You know how I've been saying, "They always use Ulee from Ulee's Gold because of the vowels"? Well, tell them, Will, tell them.
Will Shortz: Because of the vowels.
Ted: It's because of the vowels!
Marshall: Wow. Ted, can I talk to you just for a second?
Ted: Hey, Will. Ten-letter word for diminutive egg-based torte?
Will Shortz: Mini-quiche? Where?
Ted: Right there.

Quote from Lily

Ted: I know, you don't have to say it. You don't decant white wine.
[Lily picks up a candlestick to threaten Ted]
Lily: Miss Lily, in the living room, with the candlestick.
Jefferson Van Smoot: [o.s.] Oh, my heavens, no! That was Edgar Allan Poe's!
Lily: Sorry.

Quote from Ted

Barney: I hope Ted is miserable right now.
[cut to the Van Smoot party at The Alberta:]
All: [singing] Constance Fry Constance Fry Anytime you call Constance will fulfill your needs Winter, spring or fall
Will Shortz: Ted, your lyric baritone is outstanding.
Ted: Thank you, Will Shortz.

Quote from Lily

Marshall: Baby, are you really starting to think about this?
Lily: I don't know. Well, maybe a little.
Marshall: Okay. Well, for whatever it's worth, I think that we're ready. You know, look, we love each other, we're financially stable and honestly, I don't think it would change our lifestyle all that much.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Aunt Lily still likes to remind Uncle Marshall he once said this.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Marshall, if we were at home with a baby tonight, we never would've seen Ted's doppelganger. Imagine missing that. How would that feel?
Marshall: I would blame that child for the rest of his life.
Lily: Exactly. For the rest of her life.
Marshall: Okay, you're right. There's no hurry.
Lily: Okay, how about this? We agree there's no sense in having a baby until we've seen all five doppelgangers, right?
Marshall: Of course. Stands to reason.
Lily: Okay, so, when we finally see Barney's doppelganger, that's the universe telling us it's go time, and that's when we'll start trying. Deal?
Marshall: Deal.

Quote from Barney

Barney: She said no? How could she say no? Robots vs. Wrestlers is our most important tradition as a group!
Lily: Tradition? We've never done this before.
Barney: It's Robots vs. Wrestlers, Lily. How is that not gonna be a tradition? Well, this is how it starts. First Robin moves in with Don, then Marshall and Lily have a baby, then Ted...
Ted: Gets married.
Barney: I was gonna say was found alone in his apartment, devoured by his cats, but either way, not pretty. Everyone's leaving me and I don't like it!

Quote from Ted

Ted: Dude, relax. It's for Marissa Heller.
Barney: Marissa Heller? She sounds hot. Face, boobs, describe. Start with boobs.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Who was Marissa Heller? That mystery began when Marshall and I first moved in together.
[flashback to 10 years earlier:]
Marshall: Ted, we got our first mail delivery! We are popular. We've got a golf magazine for Marissa Heller. We got a wicker furniture catalog, also for Marissa Heller. And a coupon for a bird store addressed to Marissa Heller, or, stay with me, "current occupant." That's us! We've got mail!
Ted: Fantastic! Marissa Heller? She must be the woman who lived here before us. I wonder what she was like.
Future Ted: And just like that, a picture began to take shape. A picture of Marissa Heller, the golfer. Marissa Heller, the wicker catalog shopper. And Marissa Heller, the bird owner.
[present:]
Ted: And since then, with each piece of mail we've gotten, the picture's become a little clearer. The only thing we don't know is what she looks like.

Quote from Lily

Barney: Okay, guys, huddle up. Now, Lil, you can do this. All you have to do is look that guy in the eyes, say your name is Marissa Heller, and we are golden. And again, just so we're clear, no accent.
Lily: [in a bad Cockney accent] Are we sure she's not British, innit?
All: No!


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