Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I think I told you how earlier that year we had seen some doppelgangers of ourselves around town. There was Lesbian Robin. There was Mustache Marshall. And, of course, Stripper Lily. Well, that night, one more doppelganger surfaced. Mexican Wrestler Ted.

Peter Bogdanovich: Which is exactly what Truffaut was talking about in his 1954 article in Cahiers du cinema. Film is an auteur's medium, full stop.
Marshall: [laughs] Movies. Right? Actors. Willem Dafoe. Funny thing about Willem Dafoe. Uh, his name kind of sounds like a frog talking to a parrot. [in deep voice] Willem. [in high-pitched voice] Dafoe! [deep] Willem. [high] Dafoe! No?

Barney: Fine, you guys can have a baby, but only under these conditions. One, you promise to always love me more than the baby. Two, once a month I get to use the baby to pick up chicks. Three, that may involve the baby falling from a two-story window and me heroically catching it. Four, no breast-feeding in front of me. Five, forget about four. You can whip them out whenever you want.

Jefferson Van Smoot: But you see, music was changing, and Giovanni Artusi simply didn't understand the new style of composing.
Ted: Excuse me. Are you talking about Monteverdi and his fourth book of madrigals?
Jefferson Van Smoot: My dear chap, what else?
Ted: That's my favorite book of madrigals!

Barney: She said no? How could she say no? Robots vs. Wrestlers is our most important tradition as a group!
Lily: Tradition? We've never done this before.
Barney: It's Robots vs. Wrestlers, Lily. How is that not gonna be a tradition? Well, this is how it starts. First Robin moves in with Don, then Marshall and Lily have a baby, then Ted...
Ted: Gets married.
Barney: I was gonna say was found alone in his apartment, devoured by his cats, but either way, not pretty. Everyone's leaving me and I don't like it!

Ted: Dude, relax. It's for Marissa Heller.
Barney: Marissa Heller? She sounds hot. Face, boobs, describe. Start with boobs.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Who was Marissa Heller? That mystery began when Marshall and I first moved in together.
[flashback to 10 years earlier:]
Marshall: Ted, we got our first mail delivery! We are popular. We've got a golf magazine for Marissa Heller. We got a wicker furniture catalog, also for Marissa Heller. And a coupon for a bird store addressed to Marissa Heller, or, stay with me, "current occupant." That's us! We've got mail!
Ted: Fantastic! Marissa Heller? She must be the woman who lived here before us. I wonder what she was like.
Future Ted: And just like that, a picture began to take shape. A picture of Marissa Heller, the golfer. Marissa Heller, the wicker catalog shopper. And Marissa Heller, the bird owner.
[present:]
Ted: And since then, with each piece of mail we've gotten, the picture's become a little clearer. The only thing we don't know is what she looks like.

Barney: Okay, guys, huddle up. Now, Lil, you can do this. All you have to do is look that guy in the eyes, say your name is Marissa Heller, and we are golden. And again, just so we're clear, no accent.
Lily: [in a bad Cockney accent] Are we sure she's not British, innit?
All: No!

Waiter: Smoked foie gras with caramelized mango and creme fraiche?
Marshall: Hey, hey, guy. You have anything in the mini-cheeseburger department?
Waiter: I don't think so, sir.
Marshall: No. Mini-pizzas? Little cups of fries? Any food at all that'll make me feel like a giant?
Waiter: I'll check, sir. [exits]
Marshall: He's not gonna check.

Barney: I'm performing open heart surgery on the Dutch ambassador in the morning. I hope he pulls through.
Hannah: Really? A colleague of mine just prescribed Coumadin to the Dutch ambassador. And there's no way she'd be on anticoagulants if she were about to undergo surgery.
Barney: Just... Okay. [walks away]

Ted: Guys, guys, guys, guys, Will Shortz! Editor of the Times crossword! You know how I've been saying, "They always use Ulee from Ulee's Gold because of the vowels"? Well, tell them, Will, tell them.
Will Shortz: Because of the vowels.
Ted: It's because of the vowels!
Marshall: Wow. Ted, can I talk to you just for a second?
Ted: Hey, Will. Ten-letter word for diminutive egg-based torte?
Will Shortz: Mini-quiche? Where?
Ted: Right there.