Robin: Aw... Look at my little cousins in their flower-girl dresses.
Barney: Aw, they'll look so cute next to the ring bear.
Robin: Yeah. Wait, you said ring bearer, right?
Barney: [nods] Ring bear.
Robin: Ring bearer.
Barney: Ring bear.
Robin: Are you planning some crazy stunt with a dangerous wild animal at our wedding because...

Lily: [inner monologue] No, I'm not looking. I don't need to see my child used against me. My sweet, beautiful child, who I haven't seen in a week. Whose head smells like love and unicorn teardrops and why are trains so Ionely? Damn it, I'm looking.
The Mother: Hey, are you okay? You look stressed. Plus, you muttered a few words out loud. I heard "Ionely" and "unicorn." Which actually gave me a great idea for a children's book, so thank you. Are you okay?
Lily: No.
The Mother: But there's nothing you can do... You want a cookie?
Lily: Yes. Yes, I do.
The Mother: Wow. You just took a cookie from a complete stranger on a train. I like how trusting you are. There could be drugs or poison in there.
Lily: There's not, is there?
The Mother: No idea, I found them under my seat. Kidding! Sorry. You looked stressed so I thought you could use a cookie. Then I thought you could use a joke. I should've stopped at the cookie.
Lily: You know, I don't care if these are poisoned. There's chocolate and peanut butter and caramel in these sumbitches!
The Mother: I call them "Sumbitches!"
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's how Lily met your mother.

Barney: Oh, boy, my brother wants to know what time he goes on at the reception.
Robin: What does that mean?
Barney: Every wedding he attends, James insists on performing.
[flashback to a side portrait of James wearing a prosthetic beard, a white-haired wig and a white suit:]
James: [singing] Islands in the stream That is what we are No one in between
[present:]
Robin: So? What do you got against K-Rodge? Everybody loves "The Gambler."
Barney: Wait for it.
[flashback:]
James: How can we be wrong?
[James turns to the other side, revealing a blonde wig, no beard and a sparkly red dress:]
James: Sail away with me To another world [turns back] And we rely on each other Uh-huh

Lily: So I was driving with my friend, who thinks he's the road-trip master. He has leather driving gloves. Who wears those?
The Mother: Huge dorks. That's who.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Your mother was lying. She had her own pair.
Lily: And he always makes us stop to see some weird roadside attraction no one except him gives a crap about.
The Mother: Nerd alert!
Future Ted: Kids, you remember the seven-hour detour on our trip to Disney World so your mother didn't miss
that goat in South Carolina who could blow smoke rings.
Lily: And he won't go one mile an hour over the speed limit.
The Mother: That would drive me crazy. I would give him a humiliating nickname until he stopped driving like a little girl.
Future Ted: It was Lady Tedwina Slowsby. And it worked.

Robin: [answers phone] Hi, Grandma. You can explain how Cousin Mitch is related to us?
Barney: Explain, Grandma! Explain!
Robin: He married Barney's dad's cousin Renee, who he met selling Vachon cakes outside a curling bonspiel in Chicoutimi.
Barney: English, Grandma, English!
Robin: And on our side of the family, he was adopted because his real parents were eaten alive by their sled dogs? That's awesome! Thanks, Grandma. [chuckles]

Ted: Who are you honking at?
Lily: You. You're going 40 in a 65. Pick it up, Grandma!
Ted: Look, I'm happy to rock it up into the 50s, but I'm gonna need a hand... or two.
Lily: Oh, no, not the driving gloves.
Ted: In 99.9 percent of highway accidents, the driver was not wearing gloves.
Lily: Because they're stupid. They don't help you drive better. That's why no one wears them.
Ted: Then why is it called the "glove compartment"?
Lily: I'm not having this argument again.

Ted: Now as you know, a Mosby Road Trip is not only safe, but informative! Chiggedy-check it!
Lily: Manhattan To Farhampton: Lil and Ted's Excellent Adventure.
Ted: That baby's stuffed with fun facts about our unsung neighbor to the east, Long Island. For instance, just up ahead: The historic childhood home of Florian van Otterloop, the Dutch buckle-smith who revolutionized the belt industry. Fun story about that colorblind genius...
Lily: Please stop!
Ted: I was gonna slow down for pictures, but that enthusiasm can't go unrewarded.

Lily: Why are we exiting again?
Ted: Well, if you turn in your binder to the section labeled "Mennonite Windmills"...
Lily: Get back on the expressway, now.
Ted: The expressway's for gloveless amateurs.
Lily: I'm done. There's a train station coming up. Drop me off.
Ted: Okay, but some train's not gonna stop at the 40-foot tall butter churn in Ronkonkoma!
Lily: Yes, but unlike any of your 18th-century stops, at least the train will have a 21st-century toilet!
Ted: You're a 21st-century toilet!

Barney: Okay, so far, I've got 12 wild cards, not counting the ring bear.
Robin: Ring bearer.

Barney: [on the phone] Are Cousin Mitch and I directly related?
Robin: [separately, on the phone] No, Mom, I'm asking is Cousin Mitch a blood relative?
Barney: I'm not asking about Cousin Pete. I'm asking about Cousin Robin. Mitch! Cousin Mitch!
Robin: Well, just find out from Uncle Frank. Call me back.
Barney: Well, then go visit Cousin Cecil at his sky-diving school and ask him. Oh, God, he did? I guess that can happen no matter how experienced you are. I'm so sorry. [hangs up, sighs] My cousin Cecil got fired.
Robin: Oh. That's a relief.
Barney: He was so distraught, he jumped off a bridge. He's dead.
Robin: Um, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Barney: It may be our loss.