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32Quotes from ‘The Locket’

How I Met Your Mother: The Locket

901. The Locket

Aired September 23, 2013

As everyone heads to Long Island for Barney and Robin's wedding, the happy couple worry about which of their "wild card" family members will ruin the wedding. Meanwhile, Lily can't take traveling with Ted any more and decides to make her own way there, while Marshall worries about a picture posted online.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Aw... Look at my little cousins in their flower-girl dresses.
Barney: Aw, they'll look so cute next to the ring bear.
Robin: Yeah. Wait, you said ring bearer, right?
Barney: [nods] Ring bear.
Robin: Ring bearer.
Barney: Ring bear.
Robin: Are you planning some crazy stunt with a dangerous wild animal at our wedding because...

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Quote from The Mother

Lily: [inner monologue] No, I'm not looking. I don't need to see my child used against me. My sweet, beautiful child, who I haven't seen in a week. Whose head smells like love and unicorn teardrops and why are trains so Ionely? Damn it, I'm looking.
The Mother: Hey, are you okay? You look stressed. Plus, you muttered a few words out loud. I heard "Ionely" and "unicorn." Which actually gave me a great idea for a children's book, so thank you. Are you okay?
Lily: No.
The Mother: But there's nothing you can do... You want a cookie?
Lily: Yes. Yes, I do.
The Mother: Wow. You just took a cookie from a complete stranger on a train. I like how trusting you are. There could be drugs or poison in there.
Lily: There's not, is there?
The Mother: No idea, I found them under my seat. Kidding! Sorry. You looked stressed so I thought you could use a cookie. Then I thought you could use a joke. I should've stopped at the cookie.
Lily: You know, I don't care if these are poisoned. There's chocolate and peanut butter and caramel in these sumbitches!
The Mother: I call them "Sumbitches!"
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's how Lily met your mother.

Quote from James

Barney: Oh, boy, my brother wants to know what time he goes on at the reception.
Robin: What does that mean?
Barney: Every wedding he attends, James insists on performing.
[flashback to a side portrait of James wearing a prosthetic beard, a white-haired wig and a white suit:]
James: [singing] Islands in the stream That is what we are No one in between
[present:]
Robin: So? What do you got against K-Rodge? Everybody loves "The Gambler."
Barney: Wait for it.
[flashback:]
James: How can we be wrong?
[James turns to the other side, revealing a blonde wig, no beard and a sparkly red dress:]
James: Sail away with me To another world [turns back] And we rely on each other Uh-huh

Quote from The Mother

Lily: So I was driving with my friend, who thinks he's the road-trip master. He has leather driving gloves. Who wears those?
The Mother: Huge dorks. That's who.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Your mother was lying. She had her own pair.
Lily: And he always makes us stop to see some weird roadside attraction no one except him gives a crap about.
The Mother: Nerd alert!
Future Ted: Kids, you remember the seven-hour detour on our trip to Disney World so your mother didn't miss
that goat in South Carolina who could blow smoke rings.
Lily: And he won't go one mile an hour over the speed limit.
The Mother: That would drive me crazy. I would give him a humiliating nickname until he stopped driving like a little girl.
Future Ted: It was Lady Tedwina Slowsby. And it worked.

Quote from Robin

Robin: [answers phone] Hi, Grandma. You can explain how Cousin Mitch is related to us?
Barney: Explain, Grandma! Explain!
Robin: He married Barney's dad's cousin Renee, who he met selling Vachon cakes outside a curling bonspiel in Chicoutimi.
Barney: English, Grandma, English!
Robin: And on our side of the family, he was adopted because his real parents were eaten alive by their sled dogs? That's awesome! Thanks, Grandma. [chuckles]

Quote from Ted

Ted: Who are you honking at?
Lily: You. You're going 40 in a 65. Pick it up, Grandma!
Ted: Look, I'm happy to rock it up into the 50s, but I'm gonna need a hand... or two.
Lily: Oh, no, not the driving gloves.
Ted: In 99.9 percent of highway accidents, the driver was not wearing gloves.
Lily: Because they're stupid. They don't help you drive better. That's why no one wears them.
Ted: Then why is it called the "glove compartment"?
Lily: I'm not having this argument again.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Now as you know, a Mosby Road Trip is not only safe, but informative! Chiggedy-check it!
Lily: Manhattan To Farhampton: Lil and Ted's Excellent Adventure.
Ted: That baby's stuffed with fun facts about our unsung neighbor to the east, Long Island. For instance, just up ahead: The historic childhood home of Florian van Otterloop, the Dutch buckle-smith who revolutionized the belt industry. Fun story about that colorblind genius...
Lily: Please stop!
Ted: I was gonna slow down for pictures, but that enthusiasm can't go unrewarded.

Quote from Ted

Lily: Why are we exiting again?
Ted: Well, if you turn in your binder to the section labeled "Mennonite Windmills"...
Lily: Get back on the expressway, now.
Ted: The expressway's for gloveless amateurs.
Lily: I'm done. There's a train station coming up. Drop me off.
Ted: Okay, but some train's not gonna stop at the 40-foot tall butter churn in Ronkonkoma!
Lily: Yes, but unlike any of your 18th-century stops, at least the train will have a 21st-century toilet!
Ted: You're a 21st-century toilet!

Quote from Barney

Barney: Okay, so far, I've got 12 wild cards, not counting the ring bear.
Robin: Ring bearer.

Quote from Barney

Barney: [on the phone] Are Cousin Mitch and I directly related?
Robin: [separately, on the phone] No, Mom, I'm asking is Cousin Mitch a blood relative?
Barney: I'm not asking about Cousin Pete. I'm asking about Cousin Robin. Mitch! Cousin Mitch!
Robin: Well, just find out from Uncle Frank. Call me back.
Barney: Well, then go visit Cousin Cecil at his sky-diving school and ask him. Oh, God, he did? I guess that can happen no matter how experienced you are. I'm so sorry. [hangs up, sighs] My cousin Cecil got fired.
Robin: Oh. That's a relief.
Barney: He was so distraught, he jumped off a bridge. He's dead.
Robin: Um, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Barney: It may be our loss.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Look, if it's true, if we are, you know, It's really not that big a deal. We know we won't have kids.
Barney: And even if we did, King Joffrey's parents were brother and sister, and he was a fair and wise leader!
Robin: No one ever needs to know but us.
Barney: Exactly.
Ranjit: I know.
Barney: [telepathically] We might have to...
Robin: [telepathically] Take care of Ranjit.
Barney: [telepathically] Hey, you just finished my...
Robin: [telepathically] Creepy telepathic murder thought! Aw. It must be a soul-mate thing!
Barney: [telepathically] Unless it's a weird cousin thing.

Quote from The Mother

Lily: I still can't believe he dragged me to the childhood home of some stupid buckle-smith no one's ever even heard of.
The Mother: Yeah. Who cares about Florian van Otterloop?
Lily: I never told you his name.
The Mother: Sumbitch?

Quote from Ranjit

Barney: So...
Robin: You and I share no DNA whatsoever.
Barney: Let's change that.
Ranjit: [o.s.] Don't hold back. This divider is totally soundproof.Go all the way!
Robin: Wait till the hotel?
Barney: Totally.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Hey, you know what? I'm not worried about a wild card at our wedding anymore. Whether it's Uncle Vic, or Aunt Shelly or the ring bear.
Robin: Ring bearer.
Barney: Whether any of those mammals go rogue, our wedding is gonna be legendary.
Robin: No "wait for it"?
Barney: I've got you. I don't have to wait for it anymore.

Quote from Lily

Marshall: Lily's gonna see it. We'll have the biggest fight of our lives.
Daphne: Oh. I wish I could see your wife kick your ass.
Marshall: I don't mean a physical fight. She's not an animal.
[meanwhile:]
Lily: I'm sorry I tried to bite you.
The Mother: I'm sorry I swatted you on the nose with a rolled-up magazine.
Lily: It's the only way I'll learn.


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