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42Quotes from ‘No Tomorrow’

How I Met Your Mother: No Tomorrow

312. No Tomorrow

Aired March 17, 2008

When Barney takes Ted out on St. Patrick's Day they both live like there's no tomorrow. Meanwhile, Robin notices something weird about Marshall and Lily's new apartment.

Quote from Barney

Ted: [answers phone] Barney, where are you?
Barney: In a cab, heading downtown with our hot and sexy dates for the evening. Yes, it happens that fast! We're going to that club, Low Point, and you're coming with us.
Ted: Barney, for the last time...
Barney: All right, I didn't want to tell you this in front of Marshall and Lily because they're old and married, and it's too late for them anyway, but Ted, the world is going to come to an end tonight. Yes. Think about it. End of the world, Nostradamus. Notre Dame. Fighting Irish. Irish. St. Patrick's Day. This is it, bro. Bro-pocalypse Now. Bromageddon.

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Quote from Barney

Ted: The whole do bad, good things happen... Ashlee is married.
Barney: So?
Ted: What do you mean, so?
Barney: Open your brain tank, brah, 'cause here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. There's three rules of cheating: It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married, it's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels, and it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.
Ted: How do you know she's from a different area code?
Barney: She's 516. She might dress like she's 718, act like she's 212, but trust me, she's 516. Oh, and her husband, letting her out alone on Saint Patty's Day? If that dude's not 973, I'm 307. Wyoming.

Quote from Future Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] So that was Saint Patrick's Day, 2008. I found out years later that your mom was at that party. I just didn't meet her. And it's a good thing I didn't, 'cause if I had met her, I don't think she would have liked me. Heck, I don't think I liked me. But that's okay. Tomorrow had arrived. You see, I didn't know it yet, but my luck was about to change.

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I never would've met your mother without a little luck. Specifically the luck of the Irish. Saint Patrick's Day The one day of the year when every young person in New York goes out and gets crazy. Really crazy. Okay, maybe not that crazy. But by 2008, we'd all had enough. Well, most of us.
Barney: [enters, Irish accent:] Who wants to kiss The Barney Stone?
Lily: Look, it's the Riddler.
Marshall: That's not the Riddler. That's Gumby. Hey, Gumby, can we tie you in a knot later?
Ted: Hey, NBA player sidelined by a knee injury?
Barney: All right, laugh all you want, but this is my lucky St. Patty's Day suit. I have dry-cleaned many a stain off of this baby. You know why it's lucky? 'Cause it's green, the color of go, as in let's.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Uh, Barney, we, uh... We talked this over, and, uh, we're not doing St. Patty's Day this year.
Barney: [laughs] Come on. Let's... Are you s... Wow. Okay. I think I got to lie down.
Marshall: Can we shoot pool on you?
Barney: No! No! Unacceptable! That's so not Raven!

Quote from Ted

Ted: Sorry, Peter. We're grown-ups now. We can't fly off to Neverland with you anymore.

Quote from Robin

Marshall: Oh, now this is ridiculous. Is it the nail?
Robin: Marshall?
Marshall: Is the wall slippery or something?
Robin: Marshall.
Marshall: Is there a wind? Is there some sort of draft in here?
Robin: Marshall!
Marshall: What?
Robin: Your apartment's crooked.
Marshall: What do you mean?
[Robin places the bottle of champagne on the apartment floor in front of her. It rolls all the way to the other side of the room.]
Future Ted: [v.o.] It was the kind of thing you didn't notice until you noticed it. But once you did notice it, you couldn't not notice it. Lily and Marshall's new apartment was crooked.

Quote from Lily

Marshall: Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no! Oh, no, no. Oh, no.
Robin: Yes.
Marshall: Are you telling me that we just spent our entire life savings and then some on... on a crooked apartment?
Lily: [o.s.] Oh, my God!
Marshall: No, she's gonna flip.
Robin: Just calm down. It's gonna be fine.
Lily: [enters] Look what I found in the kids' room! Free skateboard. Score! Free Hungry Hungry Hippos. Double score! I'm gonna check the kitchen!

Quote from Robin

Robin: How could she not notice this? It's like the last 20 minutes of Titanic in here.
Marshall: We have to keep this quiet. If Lily finds out her new dream house is crooked, it's gonna... it's gonna break her heart.
Lily: Free salad strainer! I love this place.
Marshall: Just for tonight, okay?
Robin: Okay. But it's gonna be an uphill battle. I am just saying we have to think of the right angle. I have a third one, but I'm not gonna say it.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: I win again. Why do I keep winning?
Robin: Maybe your hippo is just hungrier hungrier than ours.
Marshall: That's it. That's what it is. It's not gravity, that's for sure. I'll tell you that.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Okay, Lily, while you were in the other room, Robin and I, we discovered something about the apartment. It's not a big deal. It's not like a disaster. It's just... It's something that we're going to have to learn to live with. Robin and I saw a ghost.
Lily: What? Oh, he's kidding, right?
Robin: No, we really saw a ghost.
Lily: What did it look like?
Robin: Uh, a sheet with two holes in it.
Marshall: He was a Confederate general who was wounded at the Battle of Antietam, and he died at the army hospital which once stood on this very spot. And now he wanders these halls, vowing revenge against the Union cannonade hat once felled him. But he seems nice. He's a good-good guy.
Lily: Marshall, you see ghosts everywhere. You see ghosts at Starbucks.
Marshall: That Kenny G holiday CD just flew off the shelf.
Robin: Last time that happened.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: Tell me you're messing with me, guys. You didn't actually see a ghost.
Marshall: It's not a big deal, baby. He seemed friendly.
Lily: You said he's a Confederate general. They're the bad guys. And he's probably racist.
Marshall: No, he seemed polite. He had courtly Southern manners.
Lily: We're gonna raise our kids here. I don't want some Confederate general ghost teaching them his racism.
Marshall: He loves people of all colors and creeds. He was fighting for states' rights, that's all.
Lily: Robin said he was wearing a sheet. What do you think that means?

Quote from Robin

Robin: The apartment is crooked!
Lily: What?
Marshall: Robin and I didn't see a ghost.
Lily: The floor is crooked, isn't it?
Marshall: Yeah.
Lily: We spent our entire life's savings on this floor. The next 30 mortgage-paying years of our lives will be spent on this floor, and it's crooked. [sobs]
Marshall: Thanks a lot, Robin.
Robin: How is "racist ghost" better than "crooked"? Seriously, somebody tell me how that's better.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Um, dude, so, I'm having second thoughts about that theory.
Barney: I'm telling you, if you want to know how old a woman is, check her elbows.
Ted: Not that theory.
Barney: You have to be more specific, Ted, 'cause I have so many theories.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: We're gonna have to nail down all our furniture.
Marshall: We won't be able to get a pinball machine. I mean, unless we put some books under two of the legs or something. But then what if we want to read those books?
Lily: This is a nightmare. We can't raise our kids here. They'll grow up slanted.
Marshall: If we have a daughter, we'll have to call her Eileen.


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