Ted: [answers phone] Barney, where are you?
Barney: In a cab, heading downtown with our hot and sexy dates for the evening. Yes, it happens that fast! We're going to that club, Low Point, and you're coming with us.
Ted: Barney, for the last time...
Barney: All right, I didn't want to tell you this in front of Marshall and Lily because they're old and married, and it's too late for them anyway, but Ted, the world is going to come to an end tonight. Yes. Think about it. End of the world, Nostradamus. Notre Dame. Fighting Irish. Irish. St. Patrick's Day. This is it, bro. Bro-pocalypse Now. Bromageddon.

Future Ted: [v.o.] So that was Saint Patrick's Day, 2008. I found out years later that your mom was at that party. I just didn't meet her. And it's a good thing I didn't, 'cause if I had met her, I don't think she would have liked me. Heck, I don't think I liked me. But that's okay. Tomorrow had arrived. You see, I didn't know it yet, but my luck was about to change.

Ted: The whole do bad, good things happen... Ashlee is married.
Barney: So?
Ted: What do you mean, so?
Barney: Open your brain tank, brah, 'cause here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. There's three rules of cheating: It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married, it's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels, and it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.
Ted: How do you know she's from a different area code?
Barney: She's 516. She might dress like she's 718, act like she's 212, but trust me, she's 516. Oh, and her husband, letting her out alone on Saint Patty's Day? If that dude's not 973, I'm 307. Wyoming.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I never would've met your mother without a little luck. Specifically the luck of the Irish. Saint Patrick's Day The one day of the year when every young person in New York goes out and gets crazy. Really crazy. Okay, maybe not that crazy. But by 2008, we'd all had enough. Well, most of us.
Barney: [enters, Irish accent:] Who wants to kiss The Barney Stone?
Lily: Look, it's the Riddler.
Marshall: That's not the Riddler. That's Gumby. Hey, Gumby, can we tie you in a knot later?
Ted: Hey, NBA player sidelined by a knee injury?
Barney: All right, laugh all you want, but this is my lucky St. Patty's Day suit. I have dry-cleaned many a stain off of this baby. You know why it's lucky? 'Cause it's green, the color of go, as in let's.

Ted: Uh, Barney, we, uh... We talked this over, and, uh, we're not doing St. Patty's Day this year.
Barney: [laughs] Come on. Let's... Are you s... Wow. Okay. I think I got to lie down.
Marshall: Can we shoot pool on you?
Barney: No! No! Unacceptable! That's so not Raven!

Ted: Sorry, Peter. We're grown-ups now. We can't fly off to Neverland with you anymore.

Marshall: Oh, now this is ridiculous. Is it the nail?
Robin: Marshall?
Marshall: Is the wall slippery or something?
Robin: Marshall.
Marshall: Is there a wind? Is there some sort of draft in here?
Robin: Marshall!
Marshall: What?
Robin: Your apartment's crooked.
Marshall: What do you mean?
[Robin places the bottle of champagne on the apartment floor in front of her. It rolls all the way to the other side of the room.]
Future Ted: [v.o.] It was the kind of thing you didn't notice until you noticed it. But once you did notice it, you couldn't not notice it. Lily and Marshall's new apartment was crooked.

Marshall: Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no! Oh, no, no. Oh, no.
Robin: Yes.
Marshall: Are you telling me that we just spent our entire life savings and then some on... on a crooked apartment?
Lily: [o.s.] Oh, my God!
Marshall: No, she's gonna flip.
Robin: Just calm down. It's gonna be fine.
Lily: [enters] Look what I found in the kids' room! Free skateboard. Score! Free Hungry Hungry Hippos. Double score! I'm gonna check the kitchen!

Robin: How could she not notice this? It's like the last 20 minutes of Titanic in here.
Marshall: We have to keep this quiet. If Lily finds out her new dream house is crooked, it's gonna... it's gonna break her heart.
Lily: Free salad strainer! I love this place.
Marshall: Just for tonight, okay?
Robin: Okay. But it's gonna be an uphill battle. I am just saying we have to think of the right angle. I have a third one, but I'm not gonna say it.

Lily: I win again. Why do I keep winning?
Robin: Maybe your hippo is just hungrier hungrier than ours.
Marshall: That's it. That's what it is. It's not gravity, that's for sure. I'll tell you that.