Previous Episode Next Episode 

39Quotes from ‘The Rough Patch’

How I Met Your Mother: The Rough Patch

507. The Rough Patch

Aired November 9, 2009

When Barney and Robin hit a rough patch in their relationship, Ted and Marshall conspire to break them up but they need a little help.

Quote from Barney

[As Ted watches the pornographic movie "Archisexture", from Barney's collection:]
Woman: [on tape] Archisexture...
Barney: [on tape] Hello, Ted. If you're watching this tape, and I knew you'd pick this one, then you are now in possession of my porn. This can only mean one of two things, either I'm dead, or I'm in a committed relationship. If I'm dead, I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to The Hamptons and recreating Weekend at Bernie's. I wanna dance, I wanna have sex with a girl and I wanna go fishing. If, on the other hand, I'm in a committed relationship, then, as your best friend, I have only one request. Please, for the love of God, get me out of it!

Rate

Quote from Lily

Lily: Are you out of your mind? You knew they were playing relationship chicken, and what did you do? You put an engagement ring in front of them. Okay. That's it. I'm taking over. I'm coming out of retirement for one last breakup.
Ted: Yes!
Marshall: All right. How are we gonna do it?
Lily: These guys are in so deep just one fight ain't gonna do it. We need to reignite the four biggest fights they've ever been in, all at once. Number one, the battle of the dirty dishes. [flashback to fight] Number two, the ex-girlfriend conflict. Number three, the Star Wars altercation. And of course, the biggie, the Canadian-American war.

Quote from Barney

[flashback to Barney and Robin fighting the "Canadian-American war":]
Barney: Thank God that song's over. Who the hell was that old lady singing?
Robin: Okay, you know that Neil Young is my favorite musician.
Barney: Right. Now was that the same old lady who played Archie Bunker's wife in All in the Family, or just a sound-alike?
Robin: Neil Young is a Canadian treasure. Do not make fun of Neil Young.
Barney: Robin, I would never make fun of a defenseless, old lady with vocal cord paralysis. Ever.

Quote from Lily

Ted: I got it. I got it. We e-mail them pictures reminding them of each of these fights.
Lily: You child. Here's how it goes down. They're at the diner. First, rekindling the Canadian-American debate... Ontario native Alan Thicke stops by the table.
Marshall: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ted: Alan Thicke?
Marshall: Oh! Right, Robin knew him back when she was a singer.
Lily: Yeah, and they still keep in touch. I already got his number off her phone. Seriously, amateurs. [.vo.] So Alan Thicke restarts the Canada-US fight. Right at that moment, Crazy Meg shows up. Then, a Stormtrooper happens to walk by the window. And just when they can't take anything more, a busboy walks by with a tray full of what? Dirty dishes.

Quote from Robin

Alan Thicke: Well, Robin, I'm glad we could catch up.
Robin: Yeah. Let's do it again soon.
Lily: I love that you guys are still friends so long after you did that music video.
Robin: Yeah.
Alan Thicke: The music... Oh, the Sandcastles video. Yes, yes. We did that together, too.
Barney: What do you mean "too"?
Alan Thicke: Well, we had this failed Canadian TV variety show. That was so embarrassing. Imagine what would happen if anybody ever got their hands on that?
Robin: Oh, you.
[Barney runs out of MacLaren's]

Quote from Ted

Pizza guy: Someone ordered an extra-large sausage.
Ted: Hey, one of Barney's videos starts off just like that.
Marshall: Hey, guys, Barney's ordering five of something.
Pizza guy: I don't know if it's gonna fit in here.
Ted: Okay. Now you're just quoting the video.

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, as long as I'd known your Uncle Barney, he'd always had some pretty strong opinions on relationships.
[flashback to Ted with a woman and the gang at MacLaren's:]
Barney: Your girlfriend? She's your "girlfriend"? She's a girl, and a friend? How is... Do not humanize the enemy, Ted. But nice to meet you, Barney Stinson.
Future Ted: And yet, in the fall of 2009, he was the one with the girlfriend.
[the gang in the apartment:]
Barney: Go ahead, open it. Open it, open it, open it, open it! It's my porn collection! Just kidding. That would be weird.
Ted: It's your porn collection.
Barney: It's my porn collection! I'm giving you my porn. Now that things are so great with Robin, I don't need it anymore.
Lily: Wow. You are voluntarily... [Barney nods, Robin shakes her head] giving up your porn.

Quote from Lily

Ted: You know, in a way, it's sad, right? I mean, Barney's giving up his porn. He's got relationship gut. They eat at the same diner every night. It's like the end of Barney Stinson as we know him.
[Marshall and Lily each grab a porn DVD and try to sneak it out of the apartment]
Marshall: Yeah, well, so what? They're happy...
Lily: Yeah, well, we gotta go. Later.
[in the hallway:]
Marshall: So, what'd you get?
Lily: I got Squat.
Marshall: What are you... I thought I saw you take one?
Lily: Yeah, I did. It's called Squat.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Look, there's no reason we should take this seriously, right?
Lily: Of course not. This is an old tape. Barney is happy with Robin.
Future Ted: [v.o.] But over the next couple of weeks, I started to notice things. Barney and Robin stopped having crazy adventures.
[at MacLaren's, where Barney is eating bar nuts throughout the conversation:]
Lily: So, what'd you guys do last night?
Robin: I wanted to go to a concert. He wanted to go to a party. Obviously, we couldn't do what just one of us wanted, so we just stayed in, watched a movie on cable.
Barney: It was Legen... Wait for it. ...ds of the Fall. Legends of the Fall! It was okay.

Quote from Lily

Marshall: You're right. Barney and Robin are miserable together, but they're too stubborn to admit it.
Ted: So, we have to get them to break up.
Marshall: How do we do that? We unleash the Kraken.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, as you know, earlier that year, I'd learned that Lily had broken up not one, not two, but seven of my past relationships.
[cut to Ted and Marshall approaching Lily as she drinks at the bar in MacLaren's:]
Lily: Forget it. I'm retired. I'm out of the game.
Marshall: But nobody's better than you.
Lily: I'm telling you. I swore off that racket. I've gone legit. I'm a matchmaker now.
Ted: Set me up with someone.
Lily: Whoa! I'm just starting out.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Stakeout van.
Ted: What?
Marshall: We should have gotten a stakeout van. We could have ordered pizza, and looked through big binoculars and said, "This ain't what I signed up for." Stuff like that.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: We're getting a stakeout van!
[cut to Ted, Marshall and Lily in a car outside the diner:]
Marshall: A station wagon? Really? You rented a station wagon?
Ted: Yeah, a van cost, like, 25 bucks more.
Marshall: A station wagon.

Quote from Lily

Ted: What the hell is this?
Lily: They didn't have any Stormtroopers, so I had to get a different robot. This will still work.
Ted: Different robot? Stormtroopers aren't robots.
Lily: Of course they're robots. "Must kill Luke Skywalker."
Ted: Um, nobody says that in Star Wars. At all. Ever.
Marshall: Really lousy robot voice, honey.

Quote from Robin

Ted: I never thought I'd be saying this tonight, but to Barney and Robin, the happy couple.
Future Ted: [v.o.] That was the moment we learned that relationships take hard work, but eventually, everything will work out.
Lily: Hey.
Robin: Hey.
Lily: Where's Barney?
Robin: Uh... We broke up.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that was the moment we unlearned that other lesson we had just learned a few seconds earlier. You see, earlier that night, when Lily thought Barney and Robin had spotted her, this is what they really saw.
Barney: Why do that fat guy and old lady keep... Oh, my God. That's us.
Robin: Look at us. Did we always look this awful?
Barney: Robin, I'm not happy. I mean, I wish I was. Nothing would make me happier than being happy, but I'm not.
Robin: But what are we doing wrong? We love each other. I mean, if this doesn't work, what will? We're so similar.
Barney: We both like scotch. We're both awesome.
Robin: You know, maybe that's it. Maybe there's just too much awesome here.
Barney: Exactly. Two awesomes cancel each other out. I'm tired of being canceled out.
Robin: Me, too. Are we breaking up?
Barney: I think so. Aw, crap. Now comes the next part, the part where you and I can't go back to being friends.
Robin: Well, maybe this isn't a breakup. Maybe this is two friends getting back together.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: So, how's Barney doing?
Robin: He's okay, I think. It might be a while before he fully recovers, but... Did you guys just feel a chill?
Ted: Yeah.
[Barney walks into MacLaren's, svelte and suited-up:]
Barney: Daddy's home. [winks to camera]


 Episode 506 Episode 508 
  Select another episode