Previous Episode Next Episode 

35Quotes from ‘Double Date’

How I Met Your Mother: Double Date

502. Double Date

Aired September 28, 2009

When Ted goes on a blind date, he realizes he went out with the same woman seven years earlier. Meanwhile, Barney and Marshall discover Lily's doppelganger at a strip club.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Lily, sometimes I think about other women. Okay, it happens. But even when I do, I feel so guilty that I have to imagine you... passing away first. Because even in a fantasy world, I could never cheat on you. You're... You're just my life, baby. And I love you.
Lily: You kill me off?! I mean, fantasize about other girls all you want, but could you maybe not murder me?
Marshall: Murder? No! Baby, no. You develop a chronic illness. I spare no expense for your care. I even stand up a foundation in your name. We're, like, this close to a cure.

Rate

Quote from Future Ted

Barney: You will not believe who we saw tonight.
Marshall: Dude, um...
Barney: We saw the third doppelganger!
Lily: [gasps]
Future Ted: [v.o.] I should explain. Over the years we had spotted two strangers who looked exactly like members of our group.
[flashback to the group walking down the street:]
Barney: Hey, hey, hey, hey! [points to a short-haired woman wearing a flannel shirt and a baseball mitt]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Lesbian Robin.
[flashback to the group, minus Robin, outside a theater where they see an advertisement on a bus for a Mexican television show, "Senor Justicia":]
Future Ted: [v.o.] And Mustache Marshall. By the following summer, we would find the remaining two doppelgangers. But I'll get to that.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Hey, do you think they'll have Wookiee to English dictionaries there? I mean, even just an everyday phrase book would be helpful.
Barney: We're not going to the "Origins of Chewbacca" exhibit, Marshall. It's in Houston this year. Everyone knows that. I just wanted to get rid of the girls.
Marshall: Where are you taking me, Barney?

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] This wasn't the first time your Uncle Barney had kidnapped one of us.
[flashback to Ted and Barney in a taxi four years earlier:]
Ted: Wait a second, the "Origins of Chewbacca" exhibit's in Montreal this year. Everyone knows that. Where are you taking me?
Barney: My guy in the DA's office scored us front row seats to a lethal injection. But we're still stopping for chili dogs first.
Ted: Stop the cab.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Barney, why are we here?
Barney: Marshall, now that Robin and I are together, I've learned a lot about relationships by watching you and Lily.
Marshall: Thanks, man.
Barney: You're a terrible couple. Lily has taken all the man out of you. I used to think that's just every relationship. But what I've got with Robin proves that you can have a girlfriend and fully functioning male genitalia all at the same time.
Marshall: Okay, right. So, if Robin knew that you were here, she would be completely fine with it?
Barney: Are you kidding? She'd sprint down here with a purse full of singles and a poncho for the 10:30 Jell-O show. BT-Dub, I called ahead it's lime.

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] Meanwhile, Jen and I were at my favorite first date restaurant... for the second time.
[2009:]
Ted: So, Jen, what do you do?
Jen: I'm between jobs banking crisis.
[2002:]
Jen: I'm between jobs Internet bubble burst. Makes me realize I should go into something more stable... like banking. So what about you?
[2002:]
Ted: I'm an architect. Hopefully, one day, I can use my own humble brush on the masterpiece that is Manhattan's skyline.
[2009:]
Ted: I teach architecture. Get 50% off at the book store so, that's pretty sweet.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Married!
Barney: What is wrong with you? You're just looking. It's like fantasizing about other women. It's harmless. Wait. Don't tell me you don't fantasize about other women.
Marshall: I do! It's just not that easy.
Barney: False! I once fantasized about that silhouette chick you see on a truck's mudflaps. Took me less than a mile.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Not everyone is you, okay, Barney? Even when I do start to have a dirty thought like that... it seems so much like cheating on Lily, that I feel guilty]
[Marshall imagines an attractive female courier delivering a package.
Marshall: [v.o.] So first, I need to have a different fantasy.
[In Marshall's fantasy, he and Lily sit on the couch. She hiccups once. They share an ominous look. Later, Marshall is by her side in the hospital room as a doctor approaches.]
Doctor: Bad news. Lily has a rare and fatal hiccup disorder that's apparently medical illegitimate.
Marshall : What?! How could this be?!
Doctor: Beats me, but it says it right here on this doctor clipboard that doctors have.
Lily: [hiccups]
[6 months later, Lily is in a hospital bed as Marshall tries to scare the hiccups out of her by making a loud noise with a plastic bag]
Lily: It's time, baby.
Marshall: I will never love again.
Lily: No, Marshall, you must. And after an appropriate number of years, you should find someone else. Someone like that busty delivery girl from that one time. And plow her like a cornfield. [Lily hiccups and dies]
[At Lily's funeral:]
Priest: And so, Marshall, to honor Lily, you must find that busty delivery girl from that one time and plow her like a cornfield.
[An appropriate number of years later, there's a knock at Marshall's door]
Courier: Delivery for Marshall Eriksen.
Marshall: [kisses his hand and raises it to the heavens] This one's for you, Lil'. [to the courier] Where do I sign?
[reality:]
Marshall: And then watch out, because it is on! [raises his hand for a high-five]
Barney: That is the saddest thing I've ever heard.

Quote from Barney

Barney: [on the phone] Ted, we found a stripper who looks exactly like Lily!
Ted: Yeah, I can't talk right now.
Barney: I'm speechless, too. Everything's as perky as we've always imagined!
Marshall: Stop looking at her.
Ted: Uh, look, I got to go. Take a picture.
Barney: Oh, I will. But first, I'm going to make Marshall watch as I wedge Ulysses S. Grant between his wife's tatas.
Marshall: I'll kill you!

Quote from Ted

[2009:]
Jen: So, any thoughts on food?
[2002:]
Ted: Yeah, do you wanna share the oysters?
Jen: I would love to share the oysters.
Ted: Good. 'Cause if you didn't...
[2002 & 2009:]
Ted: that would be mighty shellfish.
Jen: Wow, that's bad.
Ted: That's why it's funny!
[2009:]
Ted and Jen: We've been on this date before.

Quote from Ted

Jen: This is insane.
Ted: Wait, I got to ask. Why did you think I was snobby?
Jen: Wait, okay, yeah. We were sitting over there...
[2002:]
Ted: Main Lobster. They spelled "Maine" without the "e." Good to know we're not getting the crappy understudy lobsters, right? Tonight, the role of pound-and-a-half lobster will be played by...
Jen: I get it, Ted.
[2009:]
Jen: Pointing out spelling errors in a menu makes you seem kind of snooty.
Ted: Huh. I had no idea.

Quote from Robin

Barney: See, Marshall? We got to have a bros' night at a strip club and both of our ladies are totally cool with it.
Robin: I'm not cool with it.
Barney: Because they understand that it's healthy for us to do that from time to time.
Robin: It's disgusting.
Barney: Because it's harmless.
Robin: Did one of your whores tell you that?

Quote from Ted

Ted: Remember? [points to MacLaren's]
Jen: Oh, yeah! I do remember. We went in here for a drink with your friends. Who I loved... Or hated, depending on whether you're still friends with them.
Ted: You love them.
Jen: They're family, Ted.

Quote from Marshall

Ted: Let's go in and see what they remember. And they are my best friends, so don't be surprised if they suddenly "can't think" of anything I do wrong.
[inside MacLaren's:]
Robin: Did he juggle? Bad puns? Expect a standing ovation for picking up a $19 check?
Lily: Oh, let's not forget the menu typo gold mine. Keep panning that river, buddy.
Marshall: Well, it is a lot cheaper than buying a condom.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: Baby, you should be able to fantasize about another woman without feeling guilty, or you know, killing me off.
Marshall: I wish that I could, but I've been doing this for so long, I'm all confused about death and sex. It's gotten to the point where every time I drive past a cemetery, I'm sportin' a partial.

Quote from Ted

Jen: Now what?
Ted: I just remembered why I didn't call you.
Jen: Why?
Ted: I can't believe I'm gonna screw this up again, but, um, I like finding typos in menus.
Jen: What?
Ted: And I know my shellfish pun is stupid but the truth, I'm not suddenly gonna stop making stupid jokes.
Jen: Now that you mention it, I'm never going to stop talking about my cats. They're funny and adorable and totally worth having to take six Benadryl a day.
Ted: Shouldn't we hold out for the person who doesn't just tolerate our little quirks, but actually kind of likes them? Even if it means finding ourselves on another blind date with each other, seven years from now?
Jen: Oh, dear God, I hope that doesn't happen.
Ted: Well, good luck out there, Jen.
Jen: You too, Ted. You'll find your shellfish lady.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And kids, when I told your mother that shellfish joke, she did laugh. And I swear, it was only, like, 30% pity.


 Episode 501 Episode 503 
  Select another episode