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‘Double Date’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

How I Met Your Mother: Double Date

502. Double Date

Aired September 28, 2009

When Ted goes on a blind date, he realizes he went out with the same woman seven years earlier. Meanwhile, Barney and Marshall discover Lily's doppelganger at a strip club.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Lily, sometimes I think about other women. Okay, it happens. But even when I do, I feel so guilty that I have to imagine you... passing away first. Because even in a fantasy world, I could never cheat on you. You're... You're just my life, baby. And I love you.
Lily: You kill me off?! I mean, fantasize about other girls all you want, but could you maybe not murder me?
Marshall: Murder? No! Baby, no. You develop a chronic illness. I spare no expense for your care. I even stand up a foundation in your name. We're, like, this close to a cure.

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Quote from Future Ted

Barney: You will not believe who we saw tonight.
Marshall: Dude, um...
Barney: We saw the third doppelganger!
Lily: [gasps]
Future Ted: [v.o.] I should explain. Over the years we had spotted two strangers who looked exactly like members of our group.
[flashback to the group walking down the street:]
Barney: Hey, hey, hey, hey! [points to a short-haired woman wearing a flannel shirt and a baseball mitt]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Lesbian Robin.
[flashback to the group, minus Robin, outside a theater where they see an advertisement on a bus for a Mexican television show, "Senor Justicia":]
Future Ted: [v.o.] And Mustache Marshall. By the following summer, we would find the remaining two doppelgangers. But I'll get to that.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Hey, do you think they'll have Wookiee to English dictionaries there? I mean, even just an everyday phrase book would be helpful.
Barney: We're not going to the "Origins of Chewbacca" exhibit, Marshall. It's in Houston this year. Everyone knows that. I just wanted to get rid of the girls.
Marshall: Where are you taking me, Barney?

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] This wasn't the first time your Uncle Barney had kidnapped one of us.
[flashback to Ted and Barney in a taxi four years earlier:]
Ted: Wait a second, the "Origins of Chewbacca" exhibit's in Montreal this year. Everyone knows that. Where are you taking me?
Barney: My guy in the DA's office scored us front row seats to a lethal injection. But we're still stopping for chili dogs first.
Ted: Stop the cab.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Barney, why are we here?
Barney: Marshall, now that Robin and I are together, I've learned a lot about relationships by watching you and Lily.
Marshall: Thanks, man.
Barney: You're a terrible couple. Lily has taken all the man out of you. I used to think that's just every relationship. But what I've got with Robin proves that you can have a girlfriend and fully functioning male genitalia all at the same time.
Marshall: Okay, right. So, if Robin knew that you were here, she would be completely fine with it?
Barney: Are you kidding? She'd sprint down here with a purse full of singles and a poncho for the 10:30 Jell-O show. BT-Dub, I called ahead it's lime.

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] Meanwhile, Jen and I were at my favorite first date restaurant... for the second time.
[2009:]
Ted: So, Jen, what do you do?
Jen: I'm between jobs banking crisis.
[2002:]
Jen: I'm between jobs Internet bubble burst. Makes me realize I should go into something more stable... like banking. So what about you?
[2002:]
Ted: I'm an architect. Hopefully, one day, I can use my own humble brush on the masterpiece that is Manhattan's skyline.
[2009:]
Ted: I teach architecture. Get 50% off at the book store so, that's pretty sweet.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Married!
Barney: What is wrong with you? You're just looking. It's like fantasizing about other women. It's harmless. Wait. Don't tell me you don't fantasize about other women.
Marshall: I do! It's just not that easy.
Barney: False! I once fantasized about that silhouette chick you see on a truck's mudflaps. Took me less than a mile.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Not everyone is you, okay, Barney? Even when I do start to have a dirty thought like that... it seems so much like cheating on Lily, that I feel guilty]
[Marshall imagines an attractive female courier delivering a package.
Marshall: [v.o.] So first, I need to have a different fantasy.
[In Marshall's fantasy, he and Lily sit on the couch. She hiccups once. They share an ominous look. Later, Marshall is by her side in the hospital room as a doctor approaches.]
Doctor: Bad news. Lily has a rare and fatal hiccup disorder that's apparently medical illegitimate.
Marshall : What?! How could this be?!
Doctor: Beats me, but it says it right here on this doctor clipboard that doctors have.
Lily: [hiccups]
[6 months later, Lily is in a hospital bed as Marshall tries to scare the hiccups out of her by making a loud noise with a plastic bag]
Lily: It's time, baby.
Marshall: I will never love again.
Lily: No, Marshall, you must. And after an appropriate number of years, you should find someone else. Someone like that busty delivery girl from that one time. And plow her like a cornfield. [Lily hiccups and dies]
[At Lily's funeral:]
Priest: And so, Marshall, to honor Lily, you must find that busty delivery girl from that one time and plow her like a cornfield.
[An appropriate number of years later, there's a knock at Marshall's door]
Courier: Delivery for Marshall Eriksen.
Marshall: [kisses his hand and raises it to the heavens] This one's for you, Lil'. [to the courier] Where do I sign?
[reality:]
Marshall: And then watch out, because it is on! [raises his hand for a high-five]
Barney: That is the saddest thing I've ever heard.

Quote from Barney

Barney: [on the phone] Ted, we found a stripper who looks exactly like Lily!
Ted: Yeah, I can't talk right now.
Barney: I'm speechless, too. Everything's as perky as we've always imagined!
Marshall: Stop looking at her.
Ted: Uh, look, I got to go. Take a picture.
Barney: Oh, I will. But first, I'm going to make Marshall watch as I wedge Ulysses S. Grant between his wife's tatas.
Marshall: I'll kill you!

Quote from Ted

[2009:]
Jen: So, any thoughts on food?
[2002:]
Ted: Yeah, do you wanna share the oysters?
Jen: I would love to share the oysters.
Ted: Good. 'Cause if you didn't...
[2002 & 2009:]
Ted: that would be mighty shellfish.
Jen: Wow, that's bad.
Ted: That's why it's funny!
[2009:]
Ted and Jen: We've been on this date before.

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