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26Quotes from ‘Romeward Bound’

How I Met Your Mother: Romeward Bound

821. Romeward Bound

Aired April 15, 2013

The Captain offers Lily the opportunity to move to Remove and be his art consultant. Meanwhile, Ted and Barney obsess about a woman whose amazing body is hidden underneath a puffy coat.

Quote from The Captain

Lily: Okay, I'm gonna call The Captain, get this over with.
The Captain: [answers phone] Ahoy.
Lily: Hello, Captain?
The Captain: Lily, I hope you're not calling to harpoon our big move to Rome.
Lily: Thank you, but I can't ask my husband to abandon his career.
The Captain: Would you like me to try and convince him? I'm very persuasive.
Lily: I'm sorry, the ship has sailed.
The Captain: What's that mean?
Lily: Well, you know, "The ship has sailed"? That it's over and there's nothing you can do?
The Captain: What a peculiar expression. Well, thanks for all your hard work, Lily. I've never been good at good-byes, so... [hangs up]

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Quote from Marshall

Marshall: So, how many times are you gonna say no to your dream job? I'm just trying to plan my day.
Lily: I'm a scaredy-cat, okay? I want to be the type of person that just charges fearlessly into the unknown, but I came back two weeks early from Paris because I was lonely. I went to San Francisco, and I was never more depressed in my life. I'm small town, Marshall. I'm a hick from Brooklyn who's terrified of living more than ten subway stops from where I was born.
Marshall: Okay, Lily, if I can move from St. Cloud, Minnesota, to New York City, then you can move to Rome.
Lily: We know nothing about Italy. We have no friends there. We don't speak the language.
Marshall: [in Italian] "Come on, bro. Don't Bogart all the Funyuns."
Lily: Okay, so you know that one sentence. Can you say anything else?
Marshall: [haltingly, in Italian] "Come on. "Bro." "Don't Bogart all the Funyuns."
Lily: That-that was the same sentence. You just changed the inflection.
Marshall: [repeating the same Italian words] "Okay. I know. Maybe the only sentence I know is 'Come on, bro. Don't Bogart all the Funyuns.' But I know, in my heart, that you understand me anyway. Because no one has ever understood anyone better than you and I understand each other. Is the trip going to be scary? Yes. Do I like the idea of not knowing the language? Of course not. But I believe we can do this. I love you, Lily. I love you.
Lily: I love you, too. All right.

Quote from Barney

Lily: Guys, The Captain just made me a very interesting offer.
Barney: Finally, we get around to the real reason he hired you. Just promise you film it, and please use a tripod. There's nothing artistic about shaky-cam. It just looks sloppy.

Quote from The Captain

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, by the spring of 2013, Lily and Marshall had life figured out, Lily was making a name as the
art consultant for The Captain, Marshall was a superstar environmental lawyer and home life was a well-oiled machine. And then... something changed.
Lily: Captain, you wanted to see me? Captain? Hello? Permission to come aboard?
The Captain: Granted.
The Captain: Lily, small order of business: I'm moving to Rome and I'd like you to come with me. Carry on.
Lily: What? That-That-That's amazing, but I don't know if I can just uproot my life.
The Captain: It's only for a year. Carry on.
Lily: But I'm married and we have a baby and they just opened a Shake Shack on our block and there's never a line!
The Captain: I understand it's a big decision. Take all the time you need. Just let me know by the end of the day. Also, I need your advice on purchasing some luggage.
Lily: What kind?
The Captain: Carry on.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Well, this has been fun. I should go.
Ted: But you literally just got here.
Barney: I didn't "literally" just get here. I hate when people misuse that word.
Ted: So do I. But you literally just got here.
[flashback:]
Barney: Hey, Ted. Well, this has been fun. I should go.
[present:]
Barney: Okay, fine, now I'm leaving. Why do people go to a bar, anyway? To get your drink on and some girl's pants off. I can do both at home.

Quote from Lily

Lily: He wants me to move to Rome for a year to buy art for him.
Barney: Whoa! Seriously?
Ted: Is that something you want to do?
Lily: Are you kidding? I've always wanted to live abroad! My summer in Paris, back in college, was so enlightening: the art, the history, the free cheese just for wearing a low-cut top.

Quote from Ted

Marshall: Well, how does Marshall feel about moving?
Lily: I haven't told him yet. He really loves his job here.
Ted: Yeah, but he also loves Italy! He took a week of Italian in college, and the only reason he dropped it was 'cause he had a conflict... with being not stoned. But he still knows how to say the phrase, "Come on, bro, don't Bogart all the Funyuns".

Quote from Lily

Lily: And before you know it...
Ted: His life turns into an angsty, existential black-and-white Italian movie.
Lily: Exactly.
[fantasy scene in black-and-white: a glum Marshall sips espresso in an outdoor cafe. A woman sits on the table next to him. They share a glance.]
Woman: [in Italian] "What do you do for a living?
Marshall: I used to be a lawyer.
Woman: [in Italian] "And what are you now?
Marshall: I don't know anymore.
Woman: [in Italian] "Why don't you move to Minnesota, where I will learn your mother's recipe for ham casserole."

Quote from Barney

Lily: Im sorry. I got to hit pause for a second. Why is it so hot in here?
Barney: Oh, right. While you were blabbering on and on about your whole life crisis or whatever, I slipped Carl a hundred to turn the heat up in here.
Lily: What? Why?
Barney: Because she is still in the big puffy coat!
Lily: Barney, what are you doing?
Barney: I'm trying her out of that coat, that's what I'm doing! I'm fighting hotness with hotness!
Lily: You're engaged.
Barney: Okay, Lily, clearly you're forgetting something. Yes, I'm engaged to the coolest girl on Earth. This is about looking, not touching. Robin understands there is one set of balls she can't tie up with a necktie and lightly hit with a Ping-Pong paddle. These balls.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Okay, I gotta stop you right there, Lily, 'cause unless I'm mistaken, lock and load gentlemen. A scarf? No, don't put on, take off!
Lily: Okay, you're starting to drool. I'm calling creepy.
Barney: Lily, it's fine. This is purely academic. It's-It's like bird-watching. And right now, I am watching a double-breasted... Robin!
Lily: Wait, they know each other?
Ted: Whoa, wait, what is going on here?
Barney: Oh, my God, it's happening. This is just like I imagined. Right in front of Ted, so I can rub it in his face. The belt is mine!

Quote from Barney

Robin: Okay, what's going on? Why are you guys being so weird?
Barney: Ted says that Liddy has a ridonkulous body, but there's no way of verifying because she won't take off the coat!
Robin: Is that why it's so hot in here? Did you pay Carl to turn up the heat again?
Barney: Well, yes. But I was curious. I want to get that coat on the rack so I can see the rack that's under the coat.
Robin: My God. I have been wondering the same thing. I mean, she never takes that coat off. Whatever she's smuggling under there has to be thermonuclear. I bet she has WBDs. Weapons of bra destruction.
Barney: Thank you. This, this is why you're the coolest fiancee ever.

Quote from Barney

Liddy: So, the big day's coming up. How are you guys feeling? I talked to the caterer, and the mini lamb shanks are gonna be amazing. Oh, by the way, I talked to the florist, and the violets are gonna be gorgeous.
Barney: [inner monologue] Okay, Barney. You can do this. Just say it. Say it. Say it.
Liddy: little ones and big ones...
Barney: Hey, Liddy, do you want to take off your coat?
Liddy: Sure.
Barney: [inner monologue] I did it! I proved to myself and everyone else that I have no desire to be with any other woman. I am completely immune to every other... Holy crap!
[later in the apartment:]
Robin: And it was, indeed, ridonkulous.
Barney: And we got to see it, all thanks to this lovely lady right here. Robin, thanks to you, I can now walk up to any girl and say whatever creepy, disgusting thing I want and totally get away with it. Man! I think I'm gonna like being married.


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