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32Quotes from ‘The Goat’

How I Met Your Mother: The Goat

317. The Goat

Aired April 28, 2008

After Barney sleeps with Robin he turns to Marshall to find a loophole in "The Bro Code" that would let him off the hook.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: How can I help you as your lawyer? You didn't break any laws, did you? Robin knows you slept with her, doesn't she?
Barney: I didn't break any state or federal laws, but I think I broke a much, much higher law. The Bro Code.
Future Ted: [v.o.] For many years, we had heard Barney quote the Bro Code, a list of do's and don'ts for all bros. Some were basic.
[flashback:]
Barney: Bro Code article one: "Bros before hoes."
Future Ted: Some were unbelievably complicated.
Barney: Bro Code article 89: "The mom of a bro is always off limits, but the stepmom of a bro is fair game if she initiates it, and/or is wearing at least one a article of leopard print clothing."
Future Ted: And some were just plain disturbing.
Barney: Bro Code article 34: "Bros cannot make eye contact during a devil's three-way." Two dudes.

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Quote from Barney

Marshall: This is not a legal documet. This is just something you wrote.
Barney: You think I wrote that? Oh, Marshall, don't you know the glorious history of the Bro Code?
[historical flashback:]
Barney: [v.o.] The year was 1776. The place: Philadelphia. Benjamin Franklin and George Washington were having a drink.
Benjamin Franklin: But, bro, seriously, I called the dibs on that wench. You codpiece blocked me.
George Washington: So what if I did? There's no rule against it.
Benjamin Franklin: Well, there should be. There should be a set of rules that govern the way bros comport themselves among other bros.
George Washington: But who shall write such a document? I have to go to Me, D.C.,and pose for the dollar bill.
Benjamin Franklin: And I have to do some kite-flying or something.
Barney: I shall write this set of rules. And I shall inscribe it on the back of the Constitution. To save paper.
George Washington: It's resolved! Barnabus Stinson shall write... the Bro Code.
Barney: And I shall l include a provision that stateth "No eye contact in a devil's three-way."
Benjamin Franklin: Seconded.
George Washington: Seconded.

Quote from Ranjit

Ted: So there's no roof party?
Barney: Oh, no. There is. We're just not going. This is how good a friend I am. They want you to spent your 30th standing around drinking flat beer ten feet above your living room. But not me, bro. I pulled out all the stops. Private jet, Valderrama suite at the Bellagio. Steaks at BOA, scotch at Ghost Bar, then two ringside seats to watch Floyd Mayweather go ten rounds with, wait for it... a grizzly bear!
Ted: Take me home, Barney.
Barney: No! We have to go to Vegas. Look, Ted, I didn't want to say this, but... There's something that I have to tell you, and I wanted you to be in the best possible frame of mind before you heard it.
Ted: You slept with Robin. [limo suddenly breaks, the divider comes down] Ranjit!
Ranjit: You slept with Robin? Barney, that is Ted's ex-girlfriend! [angrily speaks foreign language]

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Listen, what do you want me for?
Barney: I've just been losing my mind lately, and do you know why I feel so bad?
Marshall: Yeah, because you slept with Robin.
Barney: No, that was awesome. I feel bad because the Bro Code clearly states "No sex with your bro's ex." But if you, my lawyer, can find a loophole somewhere, then that bad feeling will go bye-bye.
Marshall: And you would pay me for that?
Barney: No, I'll just be the one shredding your paperwork. Technically, you'll be paid by a toy factory in Pyongyang.

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] Well, kids, here we are. We've arrived, my 30th birthday. The long-awaited story of...the goat. That week started just like any other. Barney woke up in some girl's bed.
[in Robin's bedroom:]
Barney: In my experience, the way this normally goes is, we lie here for a while, make a little awkward chitchat.
Robin: Check.
Barney: Then I make up some cabinet meeting, heart surgery, rocket test flight I've got to be at, slip out of the apartment and never call you again.
Robin: And later at the bar, you tell your good friend Robin the story of your latest conquest, and she thinks to herself, "Who is this sad, self-loathing idiot who climbed into bed with Barney Stinson?"
Barney: Actually, you usually say that out loud.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Okay, here's the deal, Barney. The second my feet touch the ground, this never happened.
Barney: Okay. Wait. [lifts the covers] Right click, save as, into the .BPEG folder, and okay. This never happened. It's a good plan.
Robin: Now we go back to exactly the way things were before.
Barney: Okay. Right. So, Robin?
Robin: Yes, Barney?
Barney: Guess who nailed the chick from Metro News 1 last night? [Barney and Robin high-five]

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Hey. so, I'm reading this, and, I got to say, this might be a little bit over my head. For one thing, I'm fairly certain that if these contracts aren't executed precisely, we will be at war with Portugal.
Barney: Forget that. That's a Tuesday for me. New shredder. This baby'll chew up a bicycle in 17 seconds. From Sky Mall. It's all from Sky Mall. Whenever I get upset, I shop at Sky Mall. Want a hot dog?
Marshall: Of course. Why are you upset?
Barney: Marshall, I'm about to tell you a secret that you can't tell anyone. Not Ted, not Robin, not Lily.
Marshall: No. no, no, no, I don't want any more secrets, especially now that I know what you guys did to the drinking water in Lisbon.

Quote from Robin

Robin: Hey, Ted. You ready to, um... Where'd the goat turd come from?
Ted: How'd you know that was a goat turd?
Robin: Well, it was either that, or a musk ox turd, and I figured, what the hell would a musk ox be doing in here?

Quote from Barney

Barney: [on the phone, speaking Korean, hangs up and shreds his phone] Oh, fantastic, you're here. Give me the good news.
Marshall: I'm sorry. You did too good of a job writing this thing. It's- It's iron-clad.
Barney: No! Bad lawyer! I need a loophole! I want to feel better, Marshall! I can't keep buying things! I have six self-cleaning litter boxes and I don't even have a kid.

Quote from Lily

Robin: Yeah, Lily, that may seem like a good idea after a couple of drinks but tomorrow morning you're going to want this thing out of your house.
Lily: Oh, you should talk. You slept with Barney.
Robin: Marshall!
Marshall: I'm sorry! I couldn't take it anymore.
Lily: I can't believe you did that. That's so gross. Was it amazing?
Robin: What? I... Lily, I really don't want to talk about this.
Lily: I know... But it's Barney. It's just hard not to be curious. Did he have like devices and stuff?
Marshall: Lily, come on.
Lily: Hot wax?
Marshall: Stop it.
Lily: Did he tie you to anything?
Marshall: That's enough. What's wrong with you?
Lily: I'm sorry. Is he all smooth down there?


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