Lily: Welcome to my new home.
Ted: Oh, wow, Lily, this is... Oh, this is all of it.
Lily: Yeah, I know it's small, but it's got character. Thank you. And I am learning Lithuanian from my neighbors. They're great. They're always out there in the hall, you know, cooking and gambling and giving each other haircuts. It's nice.
Ted: Hey, is that a toilet in your kitchen?
Robin: Or a stove in your bathroom?
Lily: Oh, that's not just a stove. That's a stovinkerator: a combination of a stove, oven and sink and refrigerator. Stovinkerator. Isn't that futuristic?
Ted: God, I hope not.

Ted: Okay, we have to get Lily out of that apartment. Her roommate is a raccoon.
Robin: I'd offer her my place, but I've got dogs and she's allergic.
Ted: Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. I think she's a little more allergic to that.
Robin: What about your place, Barney? I know it's shrouded in mystery, but it's gotta have a couch.
Barney: The Fortress of Barnitude? No way.
Robin: Come on. She's desperate.
Barney: Hmm, normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home, but... pass.

Lily: Wait, can I stay here maybe?
Barney: Uh, I'd let you, but I don't have any room.
Lily: You live in a two-bedroom apartment. You have one room just for your suits.
Barney: Hey, I'm at a point in my life where my suits are my family. Look around you, Lily. You are in the heart of bachelor country, and as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here. Now, you can try to apply for a sex visa, but that only lasts 12 hours. 14 if you qualify for multiple entry.
Lily: Ew! ... is something some lame, judgmental chick would say, but I say give me multiple high fives.
Barney: Wow, you really are desperate.

Barney: Oh, okay. You can stay here for two days. But I only have one rule. You can't change anything.
Lily: Why would I change anything? This place is... perfect. Except for the fact that you don't have a TV.
Barney: See that wall? [The entire room lights up and the sound of a crowd cheering is heard] 300-inch flat-screen. They only sell them in Japan, but I know a guy. Had to ship it over in a tugboat like freakin' King Kong.
Lily: It hurts my eyes.
Barney: Yeah. That doesn't go away.

Lily: I bought groceries. That counts as changing something?
Barney: Lily, if I wanted a fridge full of groceries, or fresh coffee in the morning, I'd be in a relationship. But I don't want to be in a relationship. That's why I make it crystal-clear to every girl that walks through that door that this is not a place to leave a toothbrush. This is not a place to leave a contact lens case. This is a place to leave.

Barney: Come on, I'll give you a tour. Uh, no flash photography please. Bienvenidos to the bedroom. Dig this: king-sized bed, full-sized blanket, one pillow. Everything about this bed says, "Our work here is done." Next we say bienvenue to the bathroom. What, only one towel? What, no hairdryer? You know where I keep that stuff? Your place. Beat it. And the coup de grace... Yeah, that's right. [Barney demonstrates the toilet seat which automatically puts itself back up] Patent-pending. And wilkommen to the hallway. While guys like Ted and Marshall may hide their porn...
Lily: Marshall doesn't have porn.
Barney: Aw, that's sweet. While guys like Ted and Marshall may hide their porn, I had mine professionally lit. Girls see this, they can't get out of here fast enough.
Lily: And if that doesn't drive them away, there's always your life-sized storm-trooper.
Barney: No, that's just awesome. So you see, whenever a girl wakes up here, I never have to tell her to go build her nest somewhere else. My apartment does it for me.

Barney: I can't believe we just... You and I... What have we done?
Lily: Nothing. Nothing happened. We... We just went to sleep.
Barney: "Just went to sleep"? I don't sleep in the same bed as a woman and not make a move. How could... You! You spooned me against my will.
Lily: Hey, it takes two to cuddle.
Barney: We... We redecorated my place. We stayed in on a Friday night to watch "Letterman", and then slept together and didn't have sex? Oh my God! We're in a relationship!

Barney: How would you like to extend your stay here? All you'd have to do is pretend to be my wife, and scare off the occasional one-night stand. I know, I know, you've got your ethics, you've got your principles...
Lily: I'll do it.
Barney: Really?
Lily: Barney, you've clearly got some serious mother issues that have left you the emotional equivalent of a scavenging sewer rat. But, in my other apartment, I would be living with an actual scavenging sewer rat, so you win.

Barney: [on the phone] Okay, I'll take the over on the Pittsburgh game. Oh and P. to the S., I never got my payout from Seattle from two weeks ago. Yeah. Don't make me call the gaming commission on you. I'm sure they'd be very interested to know what's going on over there. All right? All right? Okay, I love you too Mom. Take care. [hangs up; without turning around:] Hello, Lily. You've somehow managed to circumvent my security. How did you do it?
Lily: Ted gave me your spare key.
Barney: Spare key. Brilliant!

Barney: Um, smells delicious.
Lily: Thank you. There was no food in the fridge, so I picked up... [Barney dumps the breakfast in the trash] What are you doing?
Barney: Lily, what was the first rule again?
Lily: "Don't change anything".
Barney: And what was the second rule?
Lily: There was no second rule.
Barney: Exactly! There was only one rule and you broke it.