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31Quotes from ‘World's Greatest Couple’

How I Met Your Mother: World's Greatest Couple

205. World's Greatest Couple

Aired October 16, 2006

Lily escapes her small, rat-infested apartment and takes refuge in Barney's bachelor pad. Meanwhile, Marshall starts going to brunch with his single colleague, Brad.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Welcome to my new home.
Ted: Oh, wow, Lily, this is... Oh, this is all of it.
Lily: Yeah, I know it's small, but it's got character. Thank you. And I am learning Lithuanian from my neighbors. They're great. They're always out there in the hall, you know, cooking and gambling and giving each other haircuts. It's nice.
Ted: Hey, is that a toilet in your kitchen?
Robin: Or a stove in your bathroom?
Lily: Oh, that's not just a stove. That's a stovinkerator: a combination of a stove, oven and sink and refrigerator. Stovinkerator. Isn't that futuristic?
Ted: God, I hope not.

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Quote from Barney

Ted: Okay, we have to get Lily out of that apartment. Her roommate is a raccoon.
Robin: I'd offer her my place, but I've got dogs and she's allergic.
Ted: Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. I think she's a little more allergic to that.
Robin: What about your place, Barney? I know it's shrouded in mystery, but it's gotta have a couch.
Barney: The Fortress of Barnitude? No way.
Robin: Come on. She's desperate.
Barney: Hmm, normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home, but... pass.

Quote from Barney

Lily: Wait, can I stay here maybe?
Barney: Uh, I'd let you, but I don't have any room.
Lily: You live in a two-bedroom apartment. You have one room just for your suits.
Barney: Hey, I'm at a point in my life where my suits are my family. Look around you, Lily. You are in the heart of bachelor country, and as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here. Now, you can try to apply for a sex visa, but that only lasts 12 hours. 14 if you qualify for multiple entry.
Lily: Ew! ... is something some lame, judgmental chick would say, but I say give me multiple high fives.
Barney: Wow, you really are desperate.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Oh, okay. You can stay here for two days. But I only have one rule. You can't change anything.
Lily: Why would I change anything? This place is... perfect. Except for the fact that you don't have a TV.
Barney: See that wall? [The entire room lights up and the sound of a crowd cheering is heard] 300-inch flat-screen. They only sell them in Japan, but I know a guy. Had to ship it over in a tugboat like freakin' King Kong.
Lily: It hurts my eyes.
Barney: Yeah. That doesn't go away.

Quote from Barney

Lily: I bought groceries. That counts as changing something?
Barney: Lily, if I wanted a fridge full of groceries, or fresh coffee in the morning, I'd be in a relationship. But I don't want to be in a relationship. That's why I make it crystal-clear to every girl that walks through that door that this is not a place to leave a toothbrush. This is not a place to leave a contact lens case. This is a place to leave.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Come on, I'll give you a tour. Uh, no flash photography please. Bienvenidos to the bedroom. Dig this: king-sized bed, full-sized blanket, one pillow. Everything about this bed says, "Our work here is done." Next we say bienvenue to the bathroom. What, only one towel? What, no hairdryer? You know where I keep that stuff? Your place. Beat it. And the coup de grace... Yeah, that's right. [Barney demonstrates the toilet seat which automatically puts itself back up] Patent-pending. And wilkommen to the hallway. While guys like Ted and Marshall may hide their porn...
Lily: Marshall doesn't have porn.
Barney: Aw, that's sweet. While guys like Ted and Marshall may hide their porn, I had mine professionally lit. Girls see this, they can't get out of here fast enough.
Lily: And if that doesn't drive them away, there's always your life-sized storm-trooper.
Barney: No, that's just awesome. So you see, whenever a girl wakes up here, I never have to tell her to go build her nest somewhere else. My apartment does it for me.

Quote from Barney

Barney: I can't believe we just... You and I... What have we done?
Lily: Nothing. Nothing happened. We... We just went to sleep.
Barney: "Just went to sleep"? I don't sleep in the same bed as a woman and not make a move. How could... You! You spooned me against my will.
Lily: Hey, it takes two to cuddle.
Barney: We... We redecorated my place. We stayed in on a Friday night to watch "Letterman", and then slept together and didn't have sex? Oh my God! We're in a relationship!

Quote from Lily

Barney: How would you like to extend your stay here? All you'd have to do is pretend to be my wife, and scare off the occasional one-night stand. I know, I know, you've got your ethics, you've got your principles...
Lily: I'll do it.
Barney: Really?
Lily: Barney, you've clearly got some serious mother issues that have left you the emotional equivalent of a scavenging sewer rat. But, in my other apartment, I would be living with an actual scavenging sewer rat, so you win.

Quote from Barney

Barney: [on the phone] Okay, I'll take the over on the Pittsburgh game. Oh and P. to the S., I never got my payout from Seattle from two weeks ago. Yeah. Don't make me call the gaming commission on you. I'm sure they'd be very interested to know what's going on over there. All right? All right? Okay, I love you too Mom. Take care. [hangs up; without turning around:] Hello, Lily. You've somehow managed to circumvent my security. How did you do it?
Lily: Ted gave me your spare key.
Barney: Spare key. Brilliant!

Quote from Barney

Barney: Um, smells delicious.
Lily: Thank you. There was no food in the fridge, so I picked up... [Barney dumps the breakfast in the trash] What are you doing?
Barney: Lily, what was the first rule again?
Lily: "Don't change anything".
Barney: And what was the second rule?
Lily: There was no second rule.
Barney: Exactly! There was only one rule and you broke it.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Hey. Did the cold wake you?
Dawn: No,I've just been watching you sleep.
Barney: Oh, did you try and take a shower? I'm sorry, I only have one clean towel.
Dawn: I don't buy into the myth that we need to shower every day.
Barney: Okay. I'd offer you some coffee, but I don't have any, so you're gonna have to...
Dawn: I'm boycotting coffee. You may as well drink the tears of a Colombian peasant farmer. God, I love this place. Good thing I don't have a job because I could stay here all day.
Barney: I think I left something on the bookshelf. Whoops. Oh, no, oh, look! Oh, I'm disgusting.
Dawn: Wow, you're open about your sexuality and that's one of the reasons I love you. Did I just say that? Oh well. Cat's out of the bag. I love you.
Barney: Whoa, uh, okay. Beep beep. Backing up, um...

Quote from Marshall

Ted: Mamma Mia!?
Marshall: Mamma Mia!. You know what? It's supposed to be a great musical, okay? It won all sorts of Tony's and stuff.
Ted: No, totally. It sounds like a really, really fun, exciting, third date.
Robin: Ooh, third date. You know what that means. [imitates bed squeaking]
Marshall: It is not a date, okay. It's just two bros taking in a Broadway show.
Ted: You bros going to get dinner beforehand?
Marshall: We might grab a steak, yeah.
Ted: Uh-huh. Where at?
Marshall: Café l'amour. [Ted and Robin laugh] Brad says the food is really good there, okay?

Quote from Lily

Barney: Can you pass the arts and leisure? [the woman does; Barney repeats loudly] Can you pass the arts and leisure?
Woman: I just did.
Lily: [enters] Honey, I'm... Barney, what the hell is going on here?
Barney: Lily, I can explain...
Lily: How could you? In our own home? [Lily slaps Barney] You bastard!
Woman: I'm so sorry. I- I didn't know he had...
Lily: Just get out. This is what I get after I worked as a stripper for four years to put you through medical school? I got breast implants for you. I... [the woman leaves] I was just about to turn on the tears.
Barney: Brava. That was incredible. And that slap was genius. You did not hold back.
Lily: Yeah, that I just always wanted to do.
Barney: Fair enough.

Quote from Barney

Barney: All right, I'm going to head out, hit the bars. What are you going to do tonight?
Lily: Oh, I was just going to watch "Letterman" but, God this bed is so comfy. I wish you had a TV in here. [Barney turns on another wall-sized TV] Okay, seriously, what do you do for a living?
Barney: [chuckles] Please.

Quote from Barney

Lily: That's what you think a relationship is?
Barney: You were supposed to be the vaccine, but you gave me the disease. You gotta go.
Lily: Barney. I don't think you're mad at me. You're mad at yourself. You let down your guard, and let someone into your life, and... And it actually felt okay. And that terrifies you.
Barney: Uh-uh. You gotta go.
Lily: Hey, you can't just kick me out! I put a lot of work into this place, and I've grown accustomed to a certain standard of living.
Barney: "A certain standard of living"? You didn't pay a single...
Future Ted: [v.o.] And so Mr. and Mrs. Stinson, after two weeks of marriage, decided to call it quits. Fortunately, they reached a settlement. And that's the story of how Aunt Lily furnished her apartment.


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