Future Ted: It was May of 2006 in New York City and life was good. But everything was about to change.
Ted: So... what do you think?
Barney: Robin again? Ted, the universe clearly does not want you and Robin to be together. Don't piss off the universe. The universe will slap you.
Ted: Don't you think the universe has more important things to worry about than my dating life?
Marshall: Unless your dating life is the glue holding the entire universe together... Whoa, chills. Anybody else get chills?
Ted: Look, I realize we've been down this road before, but the fact is, whatever I do, it all keeps coming back to Robin, so I gotta do this. [Barney slaps him] Ow! What the hell?
Barney: That wasn't me. That was the universe.

Ted: Lily, I'm going to need the spare key to Robin's apartment.
Barney: I see where this is going. Ted, waiting naked in a girl's bed wearing whipped cream undies does not work... usually. The setting: Martha's Vineyard, 1999. The characters: Yours truly and a raven-haired au pair by the name-
Lily: [slaps Barney] Universe.

Ted: I can't let Robin go camping with this guy. So how do I keep that from happening? Simple, I make it rain!
Barney: Ted, do you want me to slap you again? 'Cause I kind of enjoyed it the first time.
Ted: Look, I-I might be crazy right now... No, you know what? I am definitely crazy right now, but I have a plan. That girl you used to go out with, Penelope, wasn't she getting her PhD in Native American culture?
Barney: Yeah.
Ted: Are you still in touch with her?
Barney: Sure. I mean, even though we stopped having sex, we still get together, like, once a month to chat and catch up, and... Of course I'm not in touch with her!

Ted: Well, you're gonna need to get in touch with her. She's gonna teach me how to do a rain dance.
Barney: Did you just say a "rain dance"?
Ted: Yes.
Barney: A rain dance.
Ted: Yes.
Barney: A dance to make it rain.
Ted: Yes. [Barney slaps Ted once again. Ted slaps him back. Barney tries to slap Ted again but they start blocking each other's arms.]
Ted: We're finding Penelope!
Barney: No, we are not!
Ted: Yes, we are!
Barney: Ted, you're forcing me to be the voice of reason, and it's not a good look for me!

Ted: Penelope, I really need to make it rain this weekend.
Penelope: Why?
Ted: There's this girl...
Penelope: "There's this girl." You know, the traditional rain dance is a sacred prayer to nature. I don't think the Great Spirit looks too kindly on white dudes who co-opt it to get laid.
Ted: Penelope, this is the girl I love. If it doesn't rain this weekend, she's gonna end up with the wrong guy. Please.
Penelope: This wrong guy, is he a huge jackass?
Ted: Absolutely.
Penelope: Kind of like Barney?
Ted: Kind of.
Barney: Hey.
Penelope: You hit on my mom!
Barney: We weren't exclusive!

Future Ted: [v.o.] And so the three of us headed up to the roof of my building.
Penelope: [to Ted] Okay. Crouch down and bend over a little bit.
Barney: Wow, it took five shots of tequila to get you in that position.
Penelope: I will throw you off this roof.
Barney: There's so much of your mom in you.

Robin: I'm not dressed, Ted. No. Come up.
Ted: I'm not coming up there, Robin, I'm not. You have to come down here!
[Robin walks away from the window and sees the blue French horn. Robin goes to her front door and opens it. Ted is already standing there]
Robin: I was gonna...
Ted: I know.
[Ted and Robin kiss]
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's how Robin and I ended up together. Turns out, all I had to do was make it rain. As I rode home the next morning, the city looked the same, the people looked the same. It all looked the same. But it wasn't. In just one night, everything had changed.

Robin: And she's been throwing up ever since.
Veterinarian: So how'd she manage to eat so much chocolate?
Robin: Remember that guy, Ted, that I was telling you about? Well, I came home and I found him waiting in my apartment with a string quartet and roses and chocolates...
Veterinarian: Oh, that's so sweet.
Robin: Okay, yes, it's sweet in theory, but isn't it also kind of crazy? I mean, a string quartet in my living room... who does that?
Veterinarian: Nobody does that.
Robin: Exactly.
Veterinarian: No, honey. Nobody does that. But I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic. I'm gonna put my hand up your dog now.

Sandy Rivers: Bummer. I was hoping to finally have sex with you this weekend, Scherbatsky.
Robin: Well, I'd give you the "I don't date coworkers" speech again, but, God, you must have that sumbitch memorized by now.

Marshall: Dude, he's right. How many times do you have to watch this crash and burn before you say, "enough"?
Ted: One more. One more time. One more big, beautiful, stupid romantic gesture. And then, whatever she says, yes or no, that's it. If it's yes, great. If it's no, then I am done going after Robin forever.
Lily: So what's this big, beautiful romantic gesture?
Ted: I am going to make her... a mix CD. No, I'm kidding. I got a plan.