Marshall: Okay, game play. Roll the die to see who goes first, forfeit a turn on a pass, intended for two-to-six players.
Future Ted: [v.o.] As Marshall explained the many rules of Chutes and Lilies, Lily thought back to what Kevin said in the bar.
[flashback to the gang at MacLaren's:]
Kevin: It's perfectly normal to wind up with someone like your parents.
Future Ted: And then she thought of the only other man she knew who loved board games that much.
[alternating flashbacks between Mickey and Marshall:]
Mickey: I brought Diseases!
Marshall: Marshgammon.
Mickey: Dog Fight Promoter!
Marshall: Lilial Pursuit.
[fantasy, Lily sees her father when she looks at Marshall:]
Marshall: And that's how you play the game. Oh, wait. I forgot to tell you what happens if I land on "community chest." Honk-honk. [laughs]

Barney: If it's any consolation, the, uh, the guy stole my Wall Street Journal once. So guess the world's kind of a better place without... Oh, God, this night's ruined.
Nora: Oh, come here, you. [hugs Barney] Yes, it's been a very tough night, but I still think we can turn this around.
Barney: Really?
Nora: Why not? No sense in letting things get us down. How does that song go again? [singing] Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
[alternating between Nora and flashbacks to Loretta singing to Barney as a kid:]
Loretta: [singing] Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Nora: Brown paper packages tied up with strings
Loretta: These are a few of my favorite things
Nora: When the dog bites
Loretta: When the bee stings
Both: When I'm feeling sad
Nora: I simply remember my favorite things [Barney pictures Loretta] And then I don't feel so bad.
Barney: Mommy, no.

Lily: Ugh! This baby is making it so I can't button my pants anymore.
Marshall: Big whoop. In 55 years, I don't think my dad buttoned his pants even once.
Lily: And somehow, despite sweet talk like that, I don't feel sexy anymore.
Marshall: Are you kidding? I mean, you're- you're even sexier now that you're rounding out. [Robin grimaces] I mean, you're even more sexy simply because there's so much more of you. [all grimace]
Lily: I'm never gonna get in the mood while your mammoth Eriksen seed is muffin-topping the bodiddly out of me.

Barney: I'm thinking I'm gonna hop on the Long Thighland Expressway, stop off for a nibble in Breastport, and then, with any luck, I'll be pulling into the Pork Authority by midnight.
Lily: Wait. You're finally going to Bootytown?
Barney: Look, we just don't want to rush anything, okay? So we decided to wait until she decides to let me have sex with her. And that's gonna be tonight!
Ted: How do you know for sure?
Barney: Ah, something she said earlier.
[flashback:]
Nora: Guess what, my sweet boy, I've got a special treat for you tonight.
[present:]
Lily: Oh, yeah, you're going to Bootytown.

James: It's not that I don't like her. It's just... She's our mom.
Ted: What do you mean, she's your mom?
James: Everything about her is vaguely our mom-like. The British accent...
[flashback to earlier at MacLaren's:]
Nora: Hello again, my darlings.
James: [v.o.] Mom's obsessed with Julie Andrews, so when we were growing up...
[flashback to Staten Island, 1983:]
Loretta: Hello again, my darlings.
[flashback to Nora hugging Barney at the bar:]
Nora: Come here, you.
James: [v.o.] And the way she hugs him. Left hand on the nape of the neck, three gentle strokes on the back with the right?
[flashback to Loretta hugging Barney as a child:]
Loretta: Come here, you.
James: [v.o.] Trademark Loretta Stinson. But here's the clincher...
[alternating flashbacks between Nora at the bar and Loretta in 1983:]
Nora: Guess what, my sweet boy.
Loretta: Guess what my sweet boy.
Nora: I've got a special treat for you tonight.
Loretta: I've got a special treat for you tonight.
Young Barney: Ice cream!
[present:]
James: They're coming. Be cool.

Future Ted: [v.o.] So, later that night, Barney and Nora went skating.
Barney: Hey, kid, you know how your mom won't let you have ice cream till after dinner? But then the waiting kind of makes it taste better? Well, I've been waiting two months for that bowl of ice cream. And tonight, I'm gonna have sex with it.

Marshall: So, I was trying to think of how to best express how sexy you are to me. A song? A poem? And then it hit me, a board game!
Lily: You just get women.
Marshall: No, no, no, you'll like this. We answer risqué questions and perform spicy dares to slowly move up your shapely legs. I call it Chutes and Lilies.
Lily: I would've guessed Monopo-Lily.
Marshall: Yeah, that would've been better.

Future Ted: [v.o.] But then Marshall really started thinking about Kevin's theory.
[alternating flashbacks between Marshall's father and Lily:]
Marvin Sr.: [eating sandwich] Midnight snack.
Lily: [eating sandwich] Midnight snack.
Marvin Sr.: [rubbing his foot] Oh, yeah.
Lily: [rubbing her foot] Oh, yeah...!
[present:]
Lily: I am gonna rock... your... [Marshall sees his father] world.
Marshall: Yay.

Lily: I want to thank you, baby, for reminding me of [Marshall sees his father] what a vivacious woman I am.
Marshall: Yeah. No, uh, no need really.
Lily: Whoa, but I've been such a naughty girl. [Marvin] Maybe I need a spanking.
Marshall: Great. We'll... we'll just skip the board games [Lily sees Mickey] and get right down to me making love to you.
Lily: Oh... Okay, good, 'cause [Marvin] I'm gonna ride you like an unbroken stallion.
Marshall: Okay. [Mickey] Giddyup, cowgirl.
Lily: No, I can't go through with this!
Marshall: Thank God, me neither!
Lily: You're too much like my dad.
Marshall: You're too much like my dad.
Lily: Your dad?!

Ted: I mean, all I want is for someone to go to a Weird Al concert with me, and I'm stuck going with my roommate.
Robin: Yeah, I might have to rain-check you there, buddy. I'm not a Weird Al fan. He's just a rip-off of Peculiar Jacques.