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32Quotes from ‘Weekend at Barney's’

How I Met Your Mother: Weekend at Barney's

818. Weekend at Barney's

Aired February 25, 2013

After Ted and Jeanette break up, Barney tries to help him meet someone else by using tricks from The Playbook, which Robin thought had been destroyed. Meanwhile, Marshall tries to support Lily at an art exhibit.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: This is the life. We got the three B's. Beach, booze and bodacious babes.
Ted: I don't know. I'm starting to think we should call the police.
Marshall: Oh, would you relax? We've got it made. One whole week at his bodacious beach house, no strings attached.
Ted: Well, there is one string attached.
Woman: Hi, Barney.
[Ted pulls a string to make Barney's arm wave]
Ted & Marshall: Bodacious.
[Barney jolts up in bed:]
Barney: "Weekend at Barney's!"
Robin: What is it? What's wrong?
Barney: The plays, Robin, the plays. The ingenious techniques I used as a bachelor to pick up busty dullards. They just keep coming to me, I can't turn them off.

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Quote from Ted

Ted: Your wedding response card, as promised.
Robin: Why didn't you just mail it like everybody else?
Ted: Oh, see, that's sad, Robin. You should be touched that I hand-delivered it. Has social media so eroded our interpersonal relationships that we no longer wish to experience the...
Robin: You wanted to keep the stamp?
Ted: They're 46 cents now. It's getting out of hand.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Okay, Barney, let me ease your mind, okay?
Barney: All right, here we go.
Robin: Remember when you set your Playbook on fire? That was the moment I realized you were someone I could marry.
Barney: And I'd burn it again if I could. You're right. I'm done with all these plays. Besides, there's no way I'll ever come up with anything that tops "Weekend at Barney's".
[later, Barney jolts up in bed again:]
Barney: "Weekend at Barney's Two!"
Robin: Damn it, Barney!

Quote from Barney

Lily: So, there's this big gallery opening tonight.
Robin: Oh, we'd love to, but we've got this...
Barney: Genesis reunion, Madison Square Garden, front row. It's gonna be legend...
Lily: I wasn't inviting you guys.
Barney: Oh, thank God. There is no concert. [rips tickets]

Quote from Barney

Barney: Look, I don't want you getting back with Jeanette. Ted, what is my one rule?
Ted: You can tell how old a girl is by her elbows?
Barney: My other one rule.
Ted: Flaxseed relieves upset stomach?
Barney: My other one rule.
Ted: Always have a fake pair of concert tickets in your pocket in case Lily invites you to something stupid?
Barney: My other one rule.
Ted: Lebanese girls sprint to third base and then stay there?
Barney: My other one rule.
Ted: New is always better.
Barney: New is always better!

Quote from Barney

Barney: Exactly, Ted. You want to invite a date to our wedding, it is not gonna be Jeanette. It is gonna be someone new. And I am gonna help you find her with a little help from...
[later, at MacLaren's:]
Barney: The Playbook.
Ted: The Playbook? Didn't you burn that?
Barney: Oh, I didn't burn the real one. That was the ceremonial playbook for parades, mall openings, inaugurations, stuff like that.
Ted: That's a pretty big secret to keep from Robin.
Barney: Which is exactly why I'm trusting you, my best bro, to never let her know that the Playbook still exists. Pinky swear?

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Hey, excuse me. Listen. Do you think that you would enjoy a show featuring Donatello, Raphael, Michelangelo and Leonardo? [Sound like you're a fan of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Gotcha. Skin it. He will get that on the drive home.
Future Ted: [v.o.] He didn't.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: As the captain's new art buyer, I have to go schmooze this up-and-coming artist, Strickland Stevens, so we get first dibs on all his new stuff.
Marshall: And I'll be helping Lily seal the deal by impressing the intelligentsia with some art-related hilarity. I've prepared some jokes. "Why couldn't the art dealer pay his rent?"
Robin: I don't know. Why?
Barney: This is gonna be rough.
Marshall: Because he ran out of Monet. You're gonna get that on the walk home. How about this one?
Robin: You know what, we'd... We'd love to hear it, but we've got that... that...
Barney: Steely Dan, Carnegie Hall, backstage pass. Let's go. We don't want to miss whatever their big song was.

Quote from Robin

Robin: "Your invitation is joyfully accepted by Mr. Ted Mosby and Jeanette."
All: [groan]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, as you'll recall, Jeanette was the last girl I dated before I met your mother. My friends only had one tiny problem with her. She was nuts.
Barney: So you're bringing a plus one?
Robin: If you count the voices in her head, it's plus five.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Guys, I'm bringing her, and you're gonna love having her there. Oh, and... by the way, just so this doesn't turn into an argument later, the dress she's gonna wear isn't technically white, it's eggshell. The shoes are white, though. And the gloves. And the veil. Well, see you guys.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Oh, my God, what happened?
Jeanette: Oh, I trashed your apartment. See, I got bored, so I started going through all your e-mails.
Ted: Sure.
Jeanette: And I found one from a woman with the subject line, "big penis orgasms," so naturally, I smashed your plates, knifed your mattress, peed in your drawers, the whole nine, but then, while I was upper-decking your toilet, I actually read the e-mail. Turns out it was spam. Classic Jeanette, huh?
Ted: Oh, my God. You are certifiably insane... about me. Come here, you knucklehead.
Jeanette: Ted, Ted, I'm breaking up with you. You're just so intense, and it's all moving way too fast. Here's your key back.
Ted: I never gave you a key.
Jeanette: And here's your grandmother's ring.
Ted: She was buried wearing this.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Hey. I'm so sorry. I decided to grab a snack from the bodega.
Lily: Why? They'll have food at the gallery.
Marshall: Oh, come on, these places never have food. It's fine. I got some Skittles.
Future Ted: [v.o.] That was the last bag of Skittles your Uncle Marshall would ever buy.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Lil, I'll be fine. Do you know who you're talking to? In high school, I was voted most outgoing freshman, sophomore and senior year.
Lily: What happened junior year?
Marshall: Egdud Ferhaki, that outgoing son of a bitch.
Lily: He beat you for most outgoing?
Marshall: Huh? Oh, no, we tied. Look, the point is, I can make friends anywhere, even here.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Fireworks?
Barney: Yeah. Everything in there is a prop we'll need for tonight.
[Ted holds up a photograph of Barack Obama which reads "Dad" and a newspaper with the headline "World Going to End: Have Sex Now!"]
Barney: Everything.

Quote from Barney

Barney: All right, here's how this is going down. You'll be wearing this earpiece and microphone. I'll be staked out here, telling you exactly what to say, so just stay focused and you'll be fine.
Ted: Which play are we gonna run first? How about the "Weekend at Barney's"?
Barney: [chuckles] Oh, Ted, your first day at the salon, and you want to do a cut and color?

Quote from Barney

[title: "The Special Delivery". Ted enters MacLaren's holding a package and wearing a courier uniform]
Barney: [over ear piece] Ice Man to Neruda. Ice Man to Neruda. Bogey at 10:00, and she is packing two fully-operational sweater stretchers. That's bravo, Oscar, Oscar, bravo, Sierra. Possible delta cups.
Ted: Copy that. Engaging target. Over.
Barney: Excuse me, I have a delivery for Lisa.
Ted: Excuse me, I have a delivery for Lisa.
Barney: Are you Lisa?
Ted: Are you Lisa?
Woman: Uh, no.
Barney: But you must be. I was told to...
Ted: deliver this package to a girl named Lisa, and that I'd recognize her because she'd be...
Barney: The most beautiful girl in this bar.
Ted: So, here's your delivery, Lisa.
Woman: Uh, I am definitely not Lisa, but I would be happy to help you find her.
Barney: Great, and then maybe later...
Ted: I could give you a different package... my penis.
[The woman storms out]
Ted: That is a terrible line!

Quote from Barney

[title: "The Kidney". Ted is in MacLaren's in a hospital gown:]
Ted: I still don't get why someone would leave the hospital without changing into their clothes first. Over.
Barney: [over ear piece] Ted, this is my thing. So just... okay? Over. Okay? Over.
Woman: Are you all right?
Ted: What? Oh. Yes, yes, I'm fine. Tomorrow, I'm donating a kidney to my best friend. My best friend Barney. Not Marshall. Barney. Marshall's so lame. Anyway, just wanted to grab one last drink, in case, you know, I don't make it.
Woman: You are so brave.
Ted: Hey, listen. Before I give my best friend this organ, how about... Nope. Nope, I'm not saying that. I did hear you, but I'm not saying that. Because I'm not.
Woman: Are you okay?
Ted: One second. I know you put a lot of work into this. I understand that. I understand that. I understand that. [long pause] I understand that. Why can't I just talk to her? Maybe we'll hit it off... Fine. Copy that. How about I give you a different organ? My penis.
[The woman throws a drink in Ted's face]
Barney: You said it wrong.
Ted: I did not say it wrong!

Quote from Barney

[title: The "I Have a Pet Loch Nes Monster":]
Barney: [over ear piece] Okay, Neruda, this play is extremely complicated.
Ted: Let me guess. Does it involve me saying "my penis" in a Scottish accent?
Barney: [Scottish accent] Now you're gettin' it, laddie!

Quote from Lily

Marshall: I'm so sorry, sweetie. I don't know if you heard, but I dropped some Skittles. Do you know what, I'm just gonna go home before I make things worse.
Lily: You're not going anywhere. We're a team. You stuck by me after my nip slip at your law school graduation. And after my nip slip at the GNB Christmas party. And after my nip slip at the Honeywell and Coots Family Fun Day.
Marshall: I don't know why you keep wearing that top.


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