Robin: Well, I'm more worried about taking vows with this useless pile of garbage in a few hours. What do we do?
Ted: You guys see the irony here? The only person who could possibly get Barney back on his feet is Barney.
Future Ted: [v.o.] See, over the years, we'd all come to experience something Barney called:
[flashback:]
Barney: Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir. The most effective post-bender-head's-too-tender-ender from here to Denver.
Ted: What's in it?
Barney: Glad you asked. Columbia University, 1941.
Ted: I take it back.
Barney: [v.o.] President Franklin D. Roosevelt, who we all know is most famous for being a world-class drunk, commissioned a top-secret project: Develop an elixir to cure the common hangover. And what brilliant scientific mind did boozy old FDR pick to head up this historic task?
Ted: Look, my head really hurts. Let's just speed this along. You're clearly ripping off the story of the Manhattan Project, which was run by Dr. Robert Oppenheimer so I'm gonna guess it was your distant relative... Barnert Stinsonheimer?
Barney: Somebody's read their history books. The Too Many Manhattans Project hit a few snags at first. The first batch exploded, which sounded kind of like this: Boom!
Ted: Oh, you suck.
Barney: Just let me finish. But the second batch, sadly also exploded. Boom!
Ted: Oh! Why are you here right now?
Barney: Do you want to hear the story?
Ted: Absolutely not. Please leave. After some trial and error, Dr. Stinsonheimer finally found the magic formula.
Ted: Hang on. Funyuns? Tantrum soda?
Barney: Sure.
Ted: In 1941?
Barney: Sure. They haven't made new Tantrum since then, it lasts a while. Anyway, the elixir was such a success he was awarded the Bro-Bel Prize. True story. Boom!

Lily: Ugh. I second Marshall's vow. I will never ever get that drunk again.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Yeah, she would.
[flashfoward to Wesleyan University in 2030:]
Lily: My baby boy's in college. Did you pack enough undies?
Marvin: Yes, Mom. Shh.
Marshall: Your father did a lot of puking in these hallowed halls, from binge studying. Saved it.
Lily: That reminds me, mister, no underage drinking. No good comes from hanging out in bars and getting drunk.
Marvin: But every story from your 20's starts in a bar.
Marshall: Listen to your mother.
Lily: Aw... What are we gonna do without you in the house?
[later, at a bar:]
Lily: We got him out of the house. Drink up. Mm. Whoo! Oh, boy.
[Marvin walks into the bar]
Marvin: You son of a bitch.
Lily: You son of a me.

Robin: Wait, think about it. The first time Barney gave us that drink, those hangovers all happened at the worst possible moments. Remember? Marshall thought he botched day two of the bar exam, so he freaked out that night and got wasted?
[flashback:]
Marshall: Now I'm gonna miss the last day of the bar. I'll never be a lawyer. I should just go back to being a manager at Structure. That "10 percent off all vests" sale? That was my idea. As was cutting the arms off the shirts that weren't selling. That's where I belong.
Barney: No, Marshall, you're gonna be a lawyer.
[flashback:]
Robin: Ugh. No, I can't do it.
Barney: Yes, you can. Your first day back, live on the air, is gonna be legen... Wait for it.
[flashback:]
Barney: Dary. Your kindergarten field trip to the Jackhammer and Siren Museum today is gonna be legendary.
[flashback:]
Ted: No, it's not. Nothing's ever gonna be legendary again, I'm never gonna recover from this.
Barney: It's just a hangover, Ted.
Ted: Not that. I got left at the altar, Barney. I'm now a guy who got left at the altar. There's no coming back from that.
Barney: Drink this. You're gonna be okay.

Robin: Barney made up the Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir so we would all believe that we could rally. Even though it's fake, it worked. Like Dumbo's feather.
Barney: Dum-bro's feather.
Robin: A placebo.
Barney: Place-bro.
Robin: A sugar pill.
Barney: [gasps] Eh.
Robin: He lied so we'd be okay.

Ted: Wait a second. There's bacon right here. And where there's bacon, there's bacon grease.
Chef: Which we throw out and we aren't making any more bacon today. Not unless it all somehow gets eaten
in the 10 minutes before breakfast is over.
Marshall: No, no, no. Ted, do not give me that look.
Ted: A mountain of food, a ticking clock? Come on, you live for this stuff.
Marshall: No, I'm not a wild animal. I'm a Columbia-educated lawyer, poised to become a judge before age 35.
Ted: And remind me, how did you celebrate getting accepted into Columbia?
Marshall: You eat one 8-pound block of fudge in 12 minutes and you're marked for life.
Ted: You're not marked for life, Big Fudge.

Ted: Whoa, sorry. Sorry.
The Mother: Oh, my God. You know there is gonna be champagne at this party?
Ted: I know, I know, but we're gonna get there and it'll be everyone congratulating you on your book, saying: "This is a revelation. You're gonna end poverty in our time. This is the greatest book anyone's ever written in any genre."
The Mother: You're the only one that says that, sweetie.
Ted: Well, it's true. So before I lose you to your adoring public, I just want to take a moment, you and I, to celebrate the best year of our lives. Happy New Year.
The Mother: Happy New Year.
Ted: Mm. We go big tonight.
The Mother: Easy there, buddy. We're old people, remember? We haven't even gone medium-sized in forever. And I cannot carry you home in this dress.
Ted: Sweetie, relax. I got this.
The Mother: Yeah, right. I can see your whole future. You are gonna be so hungover tomorrow.
Ted: I'm gonna be fine. I made a vow, remember?

Ted: Uh, hold on, you guys are forgetting, Barney Stinson has a super power. He can't take a bad photo. Okay, here. Watch. Guys, Barney may be dead.

Marshall: Okay, that's it. We are all now seriously too old to keep doing this to ourselves. I vow here and now that I shall never again get that drunk in my life.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Yeah, he'd wind up breaking that vow.
Marshall: And I will not break that vow, as sure as I will always have a full head of hair.
[flash-forward to a balding Marshall with Lily in 2020:]
News Anchor: [on TV] In other elections today, in the race for New York State, Supreme Court, Judge Brad Morris... Oh, oh! Just look at him. Oh, I would love to rub that down. Ahem. Sorry. Has increased his sizable lead over Judge Marshall Eriksen.
Marshall: It was supposed to be a victory party.
Lily: You ran a great campaign, baby.
Marshall: Yeah, but it was the most stressful three weeks of my life. [a poster for the campaign shows Marshall with a full head of hair]
News Anchor: And in other results, a surprise comeback. We're ready to call the New York State Supreme Court race for Judge Marshall Eriksen. We'll go to Judge Eriksen for a live statement in just a few minutes.
Marshall: Come again for Judge Fudge?
[later, to the TV cameras:]
Marshall: As your next commissioner,
Lily: State Supreme Court Judge.
Marshall: ...of Gotham City...
Lily: The State of New York.
Marshall: I vow to make Batman work harder. I say shine that Bat-Signal even for small stuff, like, uh, shoveling snow. Or like, uh, if a police horse dumps out in the park.

Robin: Okay, we have to get this leaky barf bag back on his feet before the wedding pictures.
Ted: Well, we know what Barney would want us to do.
[title card: "The Weekend at Barney's"]
Photographer: Say cheese.
All: Cheese.
[reality:]
Robin: No, we are not doing Weekend at Barney's.
Ted: But that's the dream. I can't believe I just said that.

Ted: Okay, there's one more item on the list... and it's an odd one.
[later:]
Chef: Grease?
Marshall: Grease.
Chef: At the Farhampton Inn, we don't cook with grease. Our menu is organic, farm-to-table, locally grown. No "grease."
Marshall: Sir, I am from Minnesota, where every meal is cooked with grease and my father dubbed it: "The tastiest eats in the whole gosh darn world," so...
Chef: And how is your father's health?
Marshall: ... Point is, it tastes really good. Also, we need it to help a friend recover from a hangover.