Lily: Michael and Laura. They're awesome. We're gonna invite them over for dinner.
Ted: Oh no, no, guys, guys! Are you insane?
Ted: This is New York City. You don't get close to the neighbors. You nod at them politely in the hall. You call the cops if you haven't seen them in a while and you smell something funny, and that is it.

Barney: Ted, have you not been listening? Attraction, bargaining, submission, perks, tipping point, purgatory, confrontation, fallout! These things will all happen to you as surely as they happened to all of us! It's a rule of nature.
Ted: Well, I'm sick of all the rules! There's too many of them! The hot/crazy scale, the lemon law, the platinum rule! If everyone in the world followed every one of your rules, the human race would cease to exist. Yes, chances are to Stella and I are not going to live happily ever after. The overwhelming odds have it ending badly. And when that happens, it'll be for one of a million possible reasons. But that doesn't mean I'm not gonna try. And when it does fail, so help me God, it's not gonna be because of some rule. [looks in the mirror] P.S., you just made my hair look awesome. Good night.

Barney: Ted, you've heard of the golden rule, right? "Love thy neighbor?"
Ted: Uh, actually, it's "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." It's from the bible.
Barney: Damn it, Ted, I've worked out this whole thing where the golden rule is "love thy neighbor", okay? Now the golden rule is "Love thy neighbor". But, there's one rule above it: the platinum rule: "never ever, ever, ever, love thy neighbor."

Robin: I think I've got a little crush on our sports guy.
All: No, no, no, no.
Robin: I know, I know. But he used to play hockey, and I'm Canadian. I can't help it. If he were missing some teeth, I probably would have already hit that.

Lily: we're not gonna date them. We're just gonna be friends with them.
Barney: That's the couples version of dating.
Robin: And you've got the couples version of the hots for them. Oh, yeah, you want to browse at Pottery Barn with them. You want to go antiquing with them, don't you? Oh, yeah, you want to antique the crap out of them.

Robin: We can split a cab to work together. We always have a standing lunch date. And last night, at the hockey game, Curt got us into the locker room, and i met Mason Raymond. Left wing for the Vancouver Canucks.
Barney: What the opposite of name-dropping?
Robin: Damn it you guys, be psyched. Yes, we see each other every day, but i think it's going really well.
Lily: That's what we thought.

Barney: Which brings to step 6.
Ted: Yeah, listen I'm leaving so if you want to write the rest of these down, I will read it tomorrow.
Barney: Don't do this Ted.
Ted: You want to get out of the way?
Barney: Don't do this Ted. Don't- [messes up Ted's hair]
Ted: Dude! Argh! It was perfect! You're such a jerk!
Barney: [wipes his hand] Which brings us to step 6. You finally realize you've made a huge mistake and now you have to live with it. Step 6 is called Purg... Wait for it. Keep waiting. Keep waiting for the eternity only to discover there's no escap...atory.

Barney: And so, inevitably, you have to do the thing you've been dreading all along. Now, a relationship-ectomy is a delicate surgery as it is, but in the case of the platinum rule, it takes a very, very steady hand, and that's step 7. Confrontation.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, too often in life, we make decisions that we're not prepared to live with. This is a story about those decisions, and the consequences that follow.
Ted: Say goodbye, kids, 'cause it won't be around much longer.
Lily: Oh, but Ted, if you get rid of the butterfly, how's everyone gonna know you're a stripper from Reno with daddy issues?
Ted: Yes, yes, enjoy these final moments of mockery because in just ten surprisingly expensive sessions, Stella is gonna zap that butterfly right off the face of my lower back.

Barney: Dude, don't poop where you eat.
Ted: Oh, no, this doesn't count.
Marshall: If it's someone you see on a regular basis, and you can't avoid them...
Lily: And in this case, you're paying them, then yes, it counts.