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30Quotes from ‘The Final Page (Part 1)’

How I Met Your Mother: The Final Page (Part 1)

811. The Final Page (Part 1)

Aired December 17, 2012

The gang are forced to confront their "pit people" -  people they despise so much they would put them in a pit in the basement, Silence of the Lambs style. Ted confronts his old professor who claimed he would never be an architect, while Robin must fire somebody at World Wide News. Meanwhile, Lily and Marshall run into an old college friend who creeps them out.

Quote from Robin

Robin: So, let me ask you a few questions, Clarice... Patrice.
[fantasy of Robin talking to Patrice down a pit:]
Robin: How would you rate your performance in the last six months?
Patrice: Well, I don't like to talk about myself, but all my coworkers deserve an A-double-plus, that's for suresies. Ooh, fancy lotion.
Robin: It puts the lotion in the basket.
[reality:]
Patrice: It's just, this is really nice lotion. And what a pretty basket, Robin.
Robin: I know, that's why I bought it, Patrice!

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Quote from Barney

Robin: Hey, guys, look, it's Bar... none, my favorite non-speaking jinxed person in the world. How was your day?
[Barney energetically mouths: "I'll tell you how my day was, you bastards. I spent an hour in a taxi unable to tell him where to go. So I got reamed out at work for being late. But at least when they asked who was too busy to work this weekend, I couldn't say anything, so that's my Sunday! Now I beg of you, in the words of the almighty Destiny's Child... Say my name!"]
Ted: Yeah, I didn't get a word of that.
Robin: Sorry, buddy.

Quote from Barney

Ted: The ring! What's, what's, what's the ring?
Barney: Right, the ring. I'm gonna ask Patrice to marry me.
Both: Are you serious?
Barney: Jinx! Good! I need to say some things without you interrupting. Yes, I am serious. I know that if you could talk, you'd say that I'm crazy or that I'm overcorrecting or that I'm moving too fast. But you would be wrong. Look, I have banged my way through every bimbo in the tristate area, and it left me feeling nothing but, but broken. But now, with Patrice, for the first time in my life, I feel settled and happy. I want to feel this way forever. So tomorrow night on the roof of the World Wide News building - that's Patrice's favorite spot - I'm gonna ask her to marry me. Ah, poot-tu-tat! You're jinxed. I'll unjinx you if you'll follow these two rules: One, you can't try to talk me out of it; and two, you can't tell anybody. Agreed? It's a jinx swear, so if you break it, I get to hit you in the nuts three times with a Wiffle ball bat. Thank you... Ted.

Quote from Barney

Waitress: Can I get you guys anything to drink?
Marshall & Barney: Scotch, neat.
Marshall: Jinx.
Lily: Oh, my... God.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, you may be wondering why five adults in their 30s would take a jinx so seriously. It all started one day five years ago.
[flashback to Marshall, Lily and Barney watching TV in the apartment:]
Marshall & Barney: Ooh, Van Helsing.
Marshall: Jinx. You're jinxed. That means that you can't speak until someone who was present for the jinx says your name, or else you will have very bad luck.
Barney: [scoffs] That's ridiculous. [Marshall and Lily gasp]
Barney: You broke the jinx. Marshall, I'm a grown-ass man. I'm on my building's co-op board. When I say a Pinot Noir tastes luxuriously earthy with a hint of rhubarb, I'm not faking it. I've had several of the same sexual partners as Henry Kissinger. I'm not about to stop talking just because I was jinxed.
[flashback to Barney being hit by a bus]
Future Ted: Barney broke three limbs and two vertebrae, but he never broke another jinx. In fact, he started taking jinxes way too seriously.

Quote from Barney

[flashback:]
Marshall: Barney, I'm on hold with Sports Talk AM to talk to my childhood hero from the Minnesota Twins. Who's your childhood hero?
Marshall & Barney: Frank Viola
Barney: Jinx!
Frank: [over phone] Hello, this is Frank. Anyone there? Hello? I can hear you breathing, you coward.
Future Ted: [v.o.] So, when someone finally jinxed Barney for the first time in years, we were pretty psyched.

Quote from Ted

Robin: The reign of terror is over!
Marshall: I've had this cigar in my pocket for two years, waiting for this moment. [smokes] Aw, that would've been good about two years ago.
All: Cheers.
Lily: Oh, oh, oh, you want us to say your name and un-jinx you?
Ted: I don't think so, pal. This is gonna be a long jinx. Like Yom Kippur services long. The only difference is, Yom Kippur's a fast and this one's gonna be a slow. Oh!
Robin: Now, Ted, I was wondering if you could expand upon what you were saying earlier about antiquated currency.
Ted: Ah, yes, yes. Contrary to popular belief, the buffalo nickel was modeled on the Black Diamond bison rather than the more iconic Western Plains bison. To wit, if President Taft had had his way, we'd all be talking about the egret nickel.
[Barney looks to the heavens and screams silently]

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] In the winter of 2012 the skyscraper that I designed was about to open, which got me thinking about the most influential architecture professor I ever had.
[flashback to Ted in a college lecture:]
Professor Vinick: So when the children of our grandchildren's children ask us "Who were we," they'll find the answer carved into the granite poetry of our architecture. Okay. It doesn't get any better than that. Class dismissed.
Ted: Wow, just wow.
Professor Vinick: Do you need something? I have an apple I was hoping to eat in silence.
Ted: Of course, Professor Vinick, I, um, I-I sketched out a design, and it'd be such an honor if you took a look at it.
Professor Vinick: Oh, well. It is believed that it took the pharaohs over 100 years to build the Sphinx.
Ted: So... you think... I should spend more time on it?
Professor Vinick: Oh, dear God, no. This is terrible.
Ted: Then, why'd you mention the Sphinx?
Professor Vinick: [laughs] I find my mind is often with the Sphinx. Anyway, you'll never be an architect. [echoes] You'll never be an architect. You'll never be an architect. You'll never be an architect!
[present:]
Ted: Well, guess what. I sent Professor Vinick the invitation to the opening of my building, so he'll see that I did become an architect, and that I've moved past his petty, hurtful words.

Quote from Ted

Robin: Wow. 15 years later and you're still this obsessed.
Lily: Yeah, if Vinick ever goes missing, the cops are gonna come looking for him in your basement.
Marshall: Totally, he's Ted's pit guy.
Ted: How dare you? And what is that?
Lily: A pit guy is someone you've been obsessed with for so long that it's driven you crazy enough to throw them in a pit in your basement like in The Silence of the Lambs.
[fantasy of Ted looking at Professor Vinick down a pit]
Ted: I'm not gonna Silence of the Lambs him. At most, I'd Revenge of the Nerds him. Though I don't see a scenario where he agrees to play me in a pentathlon.

Quote from Ted

Ted: I hold in my hand the RSVP from Professor Vinick. Uh-huh. Ah, he's checked "Will not attend," which is fine, because all I needed to know was that he knows. So now I will throw this in the trash and never look at it. What's this? "I believe you've sent this to the wrong person. I have no idea who Ted Mosby is."
Lily: Uh-oh.
Marshall: Uh-oh.
Barney: [silent] Uh-oh.
[later, Ted drives his car:]
Ted: Oh, you'll remember who I am, Professor Vinick. You'll never forget it.
[Barney leans forward from the seat behind Ted and taps his shoulder]
Ted: Not happening, bro.

Quote from Ted

Marshall: Ted, just because we're coming with you to Wesleyan does not mean that we condone your behavior. Just using it as an excuse to see the old campus... And maybe watch you have a complete mental breakdown.
Lily: What are you even gonna do when you see Professor Vinick?
Ted: Oh, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
[fantasy scene of a cigarette-smoking Ted holding a picture of his skyscraper as he strolls into Professor Vinick's class:]
Professor Vinick: Sweet merciful Franks Gehry and Lloyd Wright, from what brilliant mind was this work of art sired?
Ted: Mosby. Ted Mosby. [coughing] Architect.
Professor Vinick: But that's-that's...
Ted: Impossible? Looks like you were wrong, Vinick. Dead wrong.
[Ted flicks his cigarette onto the floor, which starts a fire that spreads in a straight line to Professor Vinick, who explodes]

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Be careful, Ted. Revenge fantasies never work out the way you want. Especially dance-based revenge. My prom was rough, guys.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Ooh! We're almost there. Oh, I can't wait to see the old campus.
Marshall: I'm gonna grab one of those giant dining hall hot dogs.
Lily: Oh, I love those huge wieners.
[Barney signals outrage that he can't speak and nobody called Lily on this]
Lily: I'm not so sure you heard me. I said, "I love those huge wieners." I love them. In my mouth.

Quote from Ted

Professor Vinick: There are men and there are gods. Antoni Gaudí was both.
Ted: [inner monologue] There are jerk faces and there are buttholes. Professor Vinick was both. Good one, Ted. Come on, Vinick, give me an opening.
Professor Vinick: Gaudí's architecture gave expression to the anarchic geometric form of nature.
Ted: [inner monologue, mocking:] "Gaudí's architecture..." Actually, that's a really good point.
[As Ted enthusiastically observes Professor Vinick's class, he sings a song in his head:]
Ted: [singing] Wow, Professor Vinick Man, you taught me so much About architecture and life God, your lectures are so cool I'll earn your respect and we'll be best friends.
Professor Vinick: Okay, it doesn't get any better than that.
Ted: [sniffles] No, it doesn't.

Quote from Future Ted

Ted: So, you completely rejected the guy who's been obsessing about you for 16 years, and he was okay with it? Whoa. Is creepy Daryl more emotionally adjusted than I am?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, sometimes in life you'll make a pit for someone in your mind. But ultimately the only person in that pit is yourself.
[elsewhere:]
Robin: I'm sorry. Just seeing you with Barney has brought up some old feelings, and I... I really don't like feelings. But that's not your fault or Barney's fault. It's just really hard seeing you with him.
Future Ted: Which means there's only one person who can let you out of the pit.

Quote from Barney

[Barney taps Ted on the shoulder and holds out an engagement ring:]
Ted: Oh, my God! Barney!
Barney: You unjinxed me! I'm free! If the bison on the nickel could hear you talk about them, they would diminish their population even further on purpose. If Lily wants a big wiener in her mouth, she's got my number. And I'm sorry that you took the rap for all the farting on the car ride up here. That was me! [sighs]

Quote from Barney

Barney: Hi, guys!
Marshall: No. But you're jinxed!
Barney: I tricked Ted into saying my name.
All: Aw, come on, Ted!
Barney: Jinx! Jinx! Ha-ha! The reign of terror is back! [evil laugh] Hey, if you guys don't want me to smoke or fart in here, just speak up. Nothing? Great. Thanks for the spicy beef jerky, dude.


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