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40Quotes from ‘The Wedding Bride’

How I Met Your Mother: The Wedding Bride

523. The Wedding Bride

Aired May 17, 2010

Ted's promising new relationship threatened when he takes her to see a movie, The Wedding Bride, which it turns out was based on Ted's break-up with Stella.

Quote from Ted

Robin: Why would he write a movie about that? Isn't he the bad guy in that story?
Lily: Yeah, and the good guy is a guy named Ted Mosby.
Ted: Funny, that was my memory of it, too. But, according to the movie...
[flashback to Ted and Royce watching The Wedding Bride:]
Secretary: [over intercom] Mr. Mosley, your fiancee is here.
Jed Mosley: Great. The old ball and chain. I can't wait to make her move out of her beautiful house in New Jersey and come live with me in an apartment above a bar. Send her in. Ah, Stella. To what do I owe the pleasure?
Stella: We're supposed to taste wedding cakes this afternoon, remember?
Jed Mosley: Ouch! No-can-do's-ville, babydoll. [puts feet on desk wearing red cowboy boots, falls out of chair] Whoa!

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Quote from Marshall

Robin: See, Marshall, this is what I mean. You can't treat New York City like it's the small, friendly, crime-free, inbred, backwoods, Podunk, cow-tipping Minnesota hickville where you grew up.
Marshall: Crime-free? Crime-free? In 1994, the cashier from the feed store was held up at hoe-point.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Whoa! Ted, please tell me you are not impugning emotional baggage.
Ted: Baggage is a good thing?
Barney: Emotional baggage is the bedrock of America's most important cultural export.
All: Porn.
Barney: Actually, it's porn. Only women with major baggage go into porn.
Ted & Robin: [salute] Major baggage.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: Ted, look, what happened with Stella was awful. But that doesn't mean anyone with baggage is undateable.
Marshall: Well, I'm just glad that we met young enough that I don't have any baggage.
Lily: Mother issues.
Marshall: I do not.
Ted: Grandmother issues.
Marshall: Definitely do not.
Barney: Great-grandmother issues.
Marshall: I just don't like it when she picks me up.

Quote from Marshall

Robin: And you know what your biggest baggage is? You're too nice.
Marshall: How is being nice baggage?
Robin: Have you ever seen you walk down the street?
Marshall: I don't even know how to answer that.
Robin: Well, let me help you out.
[fantasy scene of Marshall walking down the street, talking to everybody he passes:]
Marshall: Michael. Javier. Marcello. Suzanne. Hey, Deng. Let me help you with that. [fixes bicycle] That ought to do it. Oh, guys, no. I could not today. It would just be... [break dances]
[present:]
Marshall: That's normal.
Barney: There is only one street where that is normal. Here's a hint, a giant yellow bird lives on it.

Quote from Lily

Robin: Hey, what took you guys so long?
Marshall: Nothing. Forget about it.
Lily: We were on our way here, and Marshall wanted to stop and help some guys load their moving van.
Marshall: To be nice. Didn't cost nothing.
Lily: And when the moving van drove away, who should show up but the owner of the apartment we had just helped some guys rob. And that one was hard to explain... to the police.

Quote from Lily

Marshall: Guys, and besides, I like being friendly, okay? I'm not gonna change that about myself.
Lily: No, don't change, baby. I think it's sweet. Sweet, sweet... [Marshall leaves] Sweet mother of God. He's an idiot sometimes. He actually lent the burglars gas money.
Robin: He gave them money?
Lily: Not gave, lent. They said that they would send us a check, so Marshall gave them our address. What's to stop them from coming to our apartment one night, and maybe tying me up? I mean, sure, Marshall and I like to pretend, but the reality is scary.
Robin: Why don't you say something to him?
Lily: Ugh, what's the point? He's from Minnesota. His high school mascot was a hug.

Quote from Ted

Robin: Hey, how'd the date with Royce go?
Ted: It was interesting. We went to see that new movie, The Wedding Bride.
Marshall: Oh! How was it? Not that I care. I mean, it's a chick flick. This one will probably drag me to it, like the 7:10 show tomorrow night, or 9:40 because I have that meeting, but I can probably get out of it, so let's try for the 7:10.
Robin: What's that movie about, anyway?
Ted: That's the interesting part.
[flashback to Ted and Royce watching the money:]
Jed Mosley: [on film] Hey, bonehead! I'm Jed Mosley. I'm the most powerful and corrupt architect in New York. I... [screaming] That's gonna leave a mark!
[back:]
Ted: It's about me.

Quote from Ted

Ted: No, no, no, no, no. Tony's not a jerk, not according to the movie, anyway.
[flashback to Ted and Royce watching The Wedding Bride:]
Stella: [on film] I'm going through with this wedding. I'm sorry, Tony.
Tony: Stella, your happiness is the only thing I care about, except for these underprivileged children that I work with for free.
Audience: Aw!
Royce: I love him.
Stella: [on film] It's not that easy, Tony. Jed Mosley may not be as handsome as you are, or as tall as you are...
Ted: I'm taller than that guy.
Stella: [on film] And our sex life is terrible. Once he even fell asleep while we were doing it. I mean...
Ted: It was one time. I was on cold medicine.

Quote from Ted

Ted: And remember the two-minute date? When I squeezed an entire romantic evening into just two minutes to accommodate Stella 's busy schedule?
Lily: Oh, Ted, you're such a good guy.
Marshall: That was really nice.
Robin: Also, a little cheesy.
Ted: Well, according to the movie...
[flashback to Ted and Royce watching The Wedding Bride:]
Stella: What about our big romantic weekend?
Jed Mosley: No-can-do's-ville, babydoll. Alls I got time for is a two-minute date, if you know what I mean. Sex.
[falls while removing pants] Whoa!

Quote from Ted

Ted: So they're at the wedding.
[flashback to Ted and Royce watching The Wedding Bride:]
Stella: I...
Tony: Stella!
Stella: Tony?
Jed Mosley: Tony?
Tony: Something I need to say. A long time ago, I let this beautiful girl named Stella get away. And now she's with some jerk who doesn't appreciate what he has in this beautiful, wedding bride.
Audience: Oh!
Ted: What is wrong with you people?
Jed Mosley: You can't talk to me like that. I'm Ted Mosley!
Ted: Did he say Ted that time?
Royce: Ssh.

Quote from Ted

[flashback to Ted and Royce watching The Wedding Bride:]
Tony: Stella, I promised to make you my wife. And I'd like to live up to that promise.
Stella: Oh, Tony, all I've wanted all my life was your love.
Priest: Oh, go on, honey. Kiss him.
All: Kiss him, kiss him, kiss him...
Tony: Stella, if you still truly love me, can you let me make you my wedding bride?
Stella: Can-do's-ville, babydoll. [kisses Tony]
Jed Mosley: No! No! No! Stop doing that! Daddy!
Boy: Take that, Ted Mosby.
Ted: Okay, he definitely said it that time.

Quote from Barney

[flashback to Barney, Robin, Marshall and Lily watching The Wedding Bride:]
Tony: Well, she's made her choice. Don't worry. I won't go to the wedding.
Jed Mosley: Oh, you'll go all right. I'm gonna drive you there myself and make you watch. [laughs loudly]
Tony: Billy, no! The code.
Barney: This is exactly how it happened. He got every part right. Even that thing with the nunchucks.

Quote from Ted

Royce: Ted, you wanna see it again, right?
Ted: Yeah. It was good.
Royce: "Good"? Try instant classic. The only thing wrong with it, and I mean, it's such a minor flaw in an otherwise flawless film, is I just didn't get why Stella would even wanna marry a guy like Jed Mosley in the first place. I mean, even that guy's name, Jed Mosley.
Rachel: Come on, Royce. You've dated a few Jed Mosleys in your day.
Royce: Well, okay. But who hasn't? He's such a type. The butterfly tattoo, the way he pronounces encyclopedia.
Bruce: Encyclopaedia.
Ted: Totally. Totally. All right, well, technically, that is the correct...

Quote from Ted

Royce: I was so, so happy when that loser got left at the altar, and you know why? Because he had it coming. And the great part is he is gonna live a long, sad life, knowing that he lost his only chance at happiness. Oh! What about when he got beat up by the goat? [all laugh] So funny. What a loser.
Ted: Totally! I mean, the guy's life was shattered in a very public humiliation. What a hoot! And it may be years before he can look certain family members in the eye again. He may be so emotionally traumatized he never fully loves or trusts anyone ever again. That's hysterical. Move over, Adolf Hitler. There's a new king of comedy.
Royce: Ted, are you okay?
Ted: Yeah. I just think you all might be interested to learn something about that movie y'all love so much. It sucks. And you're all stupid for liking it.
Royce: Wow. That was really mean. I think you owe us an apology.
Ted: No-can-do's-ville, babydoll. No-can-do's-ville.

Quote from Barney

[As Ted interrupts the showing of The Wedding Bride:]
Priest: Go on, honey. Kiss him.
Barney: Go on, honey. Kiss him.
Guests: Kiss him, kiss him...
Barney: Kiss him, kiss him...
Future Ted: [v.o.] Um, Uncle Barney didn't say "kiss."
Barney: Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!
Future Ted: Still not saying "kiss."
Usher: Sir, you need to leave, now!
Barney: This is outrageous! Who the kiss are you?


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