Robin: Why would he write a movie about that? Isn't he the bad guy in that story?
Lily: Yeah, and the good guy is a guy named Ted Mosby.
Ted: Funny, that was my memory of it, too. But, according to the movie...
[flashback to Ted and Royce watching The Wedding Bride:]
Secretary: [over intercom] Mr. Mosley, your fiancee is here.
Jed Mosley: Great. The old ball and chain. I can't wait to make her move out of her beautiful house in New Jersey and come live with me in an apartment above a bar. Send her in. Ah, Stella. To what do I owe the pleasure?
Stella: We're supposed to taste wedding cakes this afternoon, remember?
Jed Mosley: Ouch! No-can-do's-ville, babydoll. [puts feet on desk wearing red cowboy boots, falls out of chair] Whoa!

Robin: See, Marshall, this is what I mean. You can't treat New York City like it's the small, friendly, crime-free, inbred, backwoods, Podunk, cow-tipping Minnesota hickville where you grew up.
Marshall: Crime-free? Crime-free? In 1994, the cashier from the feed store was held up at hoe-point.

Barney: Whoa! Ted, please tell me you are not impugning emotional baggage.
Ted: Baggage is a good thing?
Barney: Emotional baggage is the bedrock of America's most important cultural export.
All: Porn.
Barney: Actually, it's porn. Only women with major baggage go into porn.
Ted & Robin: [salute] Major baggage.

Lily: Ted, look, what happened with Stella was awful. But that doesn't mean anyone with baggage is undateable.
Marshall: Well, I'm just glad that we met young enough that I don't have any baggage.
Lily: Mother issues.
Marshall: I do not.
Ted: Grandmother issues.
Marshall: Definitely do not.
Barney: Great-grandmother issues.
Marshall: I just don't like it when she picks me up.

Robin: And you know what your biggest baggage is? You're too nice.
Marshall: How is being nice baggage?
Robin: Have you ever seen you walk down the street?
Marshall: I don't even know how to answer that.
Robin: Well, let me help you out.
[fantasy scene of Marshall walking down the street, talking to everybody he passes:]
Marshall: Michael. Javier. Marcello. Suzanne. Hey, Deng. Let me help you with that. [fixes bicycle] That ought to do it. Oh, guys, no. I could not today. It would just be... [break dances]
[present:]
Marshall: That's normal.
Barney: There is only one street where that is normal. Here's a hint, a giant yellow bird lives on it.

Robin: Hey, what took you guys so long?
Marshall: Nothing. Forget about it.
Lily: We were on our way here, and Marshall wanted to stop and help some guys load their moving van.
Marshall: To be nice. Didn't cost nothing.
Lily: And when the moving van drove away, who should show up but the owner of the apartment we had just helped some guys rob. And that one was hard to explain... to the police.

Marshall: Guys, and besides, I like being friendly, okay? I'm not gonna change that about myself.
Lily: No, don't change, baby. I think it's sweet. Sweet, sweet... [Marshall leaves] Sweet mother of God. He's an idiot sometimes. He actually lent the burglars gas money.
Robin: He gave them money?
Lily: Not gave, lent. They said that they would send us a check, so Marshall gave them our address. What's to stop them from coming to our apartment one night, and maybe tying me up? I mean, sure, Marshall and I like to pretend, but the reality is scary.
Robin: Why don't you say something to him?
Lily: Ugh, what's the point? He's from Minnesota. His high school mascot was a hug.

Robin: Hey, how'd the date with Royce go?
Ted: It was interesting. We went to see that new movie, The Wedding Bride.
Marshall: Oh! How was it? Not that I care. I mean, it's a chick flick. This one will probably drag me to it, like the 7:10 show tomorrow night, or 9:40 because I have that meeting, but I can probably get out of it, so let's try for the 7:10.
Robin: What's that movie about, anyway?
Ted: That's the interesting part.
[flashback to Ted and Royce watching the money:]
Jed Mosley: [on film] Hey, bonehead! I'm Jed Mosley. I'm the most powerful and corrupt architect in New York. I... [screaming] That's gonna leave a mark!
[back:]
Ted: It's about me.

Ted: No, no, no, no, no. Tony's not a jerk, not according to the movie, anyway.
[flashback to Ted and Royce watching The Wedding Bride:]
Stella: [on film] I'm going through with this wedding. I'm sorry, Tony.
Tony: Stella, your happiness is the only thing I care about, except for these underprivileged children that I work with for free.
Audience: Aw!
Royce: I love him.
Stella: [on film] It's not that easy, Tony. Jed Mosley may not be as handsome as you are, or as tall as you are...
Ted: I'm taller than that guy.
Stella: [on film] And our sex life is terrible. Once he even fell asleep while we were doing it. I mean...
Ted: It was one time. I was on cold medicine.

Ted: And remember the two-minute date? When I squeezed an entire romantic evening into just two minutes to accommodate Stella 's busy schedule?
Lily: Oh, Ted, you're such a good guy.
Marshall: That was really nice.
Robin: Also, a little cheesy.
Ted: Well, according to the movie...
[flashback to Ted and Royce watching The Wedding Bride:]
Stella: What about our big romantic weekend?
Jed Mosley: No-can-do's-ville, babydoll. Alls I got time for is a two-minute date, if you know what I mean. Sex.
[falls while removing pants] Whoa!