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31Quotes from ‘The Best Man’

How I Met Your Mother: The Best Man

701. The Best Man

Aired September 19, 2011

As Barney prepares for his wedding to a mystery bride, he and Ted reminisce about the worst wedding ever: Punchy's wedding. In September 2011, at Punch's wedding, Lily and Marshall try to keep their pregnancy a secret, while Robin considers telling Barney she still has feelings for him.

Quote from Barney

Barney: This isn't just getting laid. This is market research. You see, my legendary success rate of 83%...
Ted: 17. It's always the inverse.
Barney: ...doesn't happen by accident. Every single play I run on women has been meticulously field-tested. By weeding out the bad plays in smaller markets like Cleveland, I know which ones will work in New York. For example, tonight marks the inaugural flight of the escaped manslaughterer. Are escaped manslaughterers sexy?
Robin: Not even remotely.
Lily: No. No.
Barney: Exactly. We'll never know unless I try it out tonight.

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Quote from Barney

Barney: Escaped manslaughterer's not sexy. Although in hindsight, that was kind of a flawed concept. Next up, patient zero. [puts on a face mask, starts coughing]

Quote from Ted

Ted: Okay, look, I've never told you guys this, but over the years, a few of my old high school buddies have asked me to give wedding toasts, and they haven't gone great. [v.o.] Somehow those weddings all fell smack-dab in the worst moments of my life.
[flashback to a wedding in 2008:]
Ted: Joel and Mora's love is a beautiful thing. I thought I had that... till my fiancee left me at the altar last week. I was asked not to talk about this, so I won't. [sobbing] I sit outside her house at night sometimes. She got a haircut.
[flashback to a wedding in 2009:]
Ted: After I lost my job last week, uh, I was asked not to give this toast... [The groom tries to take the mic] No, no, no! The happy couple needs to hear this. Things end. But from the ashes of your statistically probable divorce, hope can rise anew. That is why I'm starting my own architecture firm, Mosbius Designs.
[flashback to a wedding three months later:]
Ted: Mosbius Designs has failed. But Alex and Jessica's love reminds us that... [sobs] Oh, God!
Punchy: Classic Schmosby.

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] And so we all headed to my hometown where we planned to celebrate Punchy's big day. Uncle Barney had different plans.
Barney: Get ready, Cleveland. The last man to screw you this hard then disappear was LeBron James.

Quote from Lily

Robin: Lily, we are getting sloshed tonight.
Lily: That's all you, baby.
Marshall: I'll be four shots in with no food.
Lily: In nine months, I'll be pushing a pumpkin-headed Eriksen baby out of my hoo-ha. I think Papa can manage
a few extra cocktails.
Marshall: Well played. [downs two shots]
Lily: [pretends to down a shot] Hakuna Matata!

Quote from Robin

Robin: God, will you look at that guy. [high-pitched voice] I wish Barney were my boyfriend again. No, thanks.
Lily: Wait a minute. That's your truth voice.
Robin: My what?
Lily: Whenever you're trying to pass something off as a joke but it's actually profoundly true, you use that voice.
[flashback to Lily and Robin watching TV:]
Robin: [high-pitched voice] I wish the Spice Girls would get back together. They were awesome. [normal voice] The worst.
[flashback to the gang at MacLaren's smelling a fart:]
Robin: [high-pitched voice] That was me. I totally cut one. [laughs] That guy.
[flashback to the gang in the apartment:]
Robin: Birthday present from my dad. [high-pitched voice] All I really want is for him to tell me that he loves me. [normal voice] Just kidding. This pen's enough. [high-pitched] It's not enough. [normal] It's totally enough.
[present:]
Lily: Oh, my God. You still have feelings for Barney.

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, if there's one big theme to this story - and I swear, we're totally, almost, not really all that close to the end - it's timing. Timing is everything. For example, I never would met your mother if it weren't for a wedding. The last wedding I ever thought I'd be at.
Barney: What do you think of this tie?
Ted: Oh, thank God. Barney Stinson needs you right before his wedding, you assume there's at least one dead hooker in the closet, right? [laughs, opens closet]

Quote from Ted

Robin: Whoa. Punchy posted the low points of your life online?
Ted: Oh, not just that.
[A video called "Classic Shmosby Remix" features an auto-tuned Ted:]
Ted: Mosbius Designs has failed But Alex and Jessica's love reminds us that... Tha-tha-tha-tha-tha... Oh, God!
[present:]
Ted: So now I seem like a total train wreck to all my old high school friends. And a bunch of people in Finland. The auto-tune thing got kind of big over there.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Is this one better?
Ted: Look, the tie is great, and, you know, it's perfectly normal to have some pre-wedding jitters.
Barney: I'm not having jitters. It just occurs to me that once I put this tie on, I can never take it off. I have to wear this tie forever and ever. And sure, this tie's skinny now, but what happens if it gets fat and starts bossing me around? Did I make a mistake? Would I have been happier with the other tie? Ted, can I tell you a big secret?
Ted: Yeah, of course.
Barney: I'm not really talking about the tie.

Quote from Barney

Ted: That's why I have to nail this toast.
Barney: Ted, you want to nail something at this wedding, lose the Trapper Keeper. The only thing you need to bring to Cleveland is this.
Future Ted: [v.o.] That fall I became the youngest architect in the history of New York to break ground on a skyscraper. Which led to a glowing magazine feature. I planned on having it framed. Uncle Barney had different plans.
Barney: Here's your toast: "Single file, ladies. No fatties".
Ted: That's ridiculous.
Barney: Yeah, you're right. It's Cleveland. "Single file, ladies".

Quote from Marshall

Future Ted: [v.o.] Now Lily and Marshall had just found out they were having a baby.
Marshall: I can't wait to tell everyone.
Lily: Baby, no, we can't tell anyone. Not until three months. I don't want to jinx it.
Marshall: That's a bit superstitious, don't you think?
Lily: Whenever we board a flight, you lick the plane.
Marshall: Have we crashed even once?

Quote from Barney

Lily: Admit it, you still have feelings for Barney.
Robin: You are drunker than I thought. [scoffs] I mean, look at the guy.
Barney: [to a woman] Wait, wait, wait. Before you go, please answer the following survey to help me better bang you in the future. What didn't work for you about this play? Did you A) not believe I was a Guinness Book world record holder? or B) did the fingernails gross you out?

Quote from Barney

Barney: Take it. Show them how awesome you are. Shamelessly plug yourself, so you can shamelessly plug, let's say... that.

Quote from Lily

Robin: Barney and I tried and failed. That was two years ago. Why would I ever go down that road again? It wouldn't even make sense.
Lily: It doesn't have to make sense. It's chemistry. Look, I've always had a sixth sense about these things. And now that I'm pregnant... with this idea in my mind-uterus, I see things even clearer. You and Barney have the kind of chemistry that just doesn't go away.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Did this not work for you because A) vampires are played out, or B) claiming that I also invented Facebook was kind of a hat on a hat?

Quote from Ted

Ted: I used to believe in destiny, you know? I'd go to the bagel place, see a pretty girl in line reading my favorite novel, whistling the song that's been stuck in my head all week and I'd think, "Wow. Hey, maybe she's the one. "Now I think, "I just know that bitch is gonna take the last whole-wheat everything bagel."
Robin: You've just been focused on work.
Ted: No, it's more than that. I've stopped believing. Not in some depressed, "I'm gonna cry during my toast" way. Not in a way I even noticed until tonight. It's just, every day, I think I believe a little less and a little less and a little less. And that... sucks. What do I do about that, Scherbatsky?
Robin: You're Ted Mosby. You start believing again.
Ted: In what, destiny?
Robin: Chemistry. If you have chemistry, you only need one other thing.
Ted: What's that?
Robin: Timing. But timing's a bitch.


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